As though reading her thoughts, Kathleen addressed her in a whisper. ‘Forget what I said, Judy. Sure, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.’
‘I do want to.’ Here was a friend she had neglected for too long; someone who had helped her over the worst episode of her life and now, because she had not thought to confide in Kathleen before today, she was torn between truth and shame.
She quickly eased Kathleen’s mind. ‘There is absolutely nothing for you to concern yourself about. We’re absolutely fine, both me and the child. It was difficult at first, but now everything has turned out all right.’
The older woman was relieved. ‘Sure, that’s all I needed to know,’ she confirmed. ‘I’ll rest easier now, so I will.’ Though she had never condoned it, Kathleen was beginning to understand more and more, why Harry had walked out. ‘So, you really did know all along that Harry could have been prosecuted?’
Judy took a moment. ‘Yes. I’m truly sorry.’
‘At a time when he was still grieving for his parents?’ Kathleen had never understood how someone as gentle and thoughtful as Judy, could hurt Harry in such a way.
Judy’s guilt enveloped her. ‘I knew all that, but at first it didn’t seem to matter. I was desperate, Kathleen. I had no choice – I didn’t know what to do. There was no one to help …’
Seeing the look on Kathleen’s face, she realised she had said too much. ‘I’m sorry. I know Harry was like a son to you, and I know I was wrong to do what I did, but it’s done now, and I don’t want to talk about it any more.’ She was visibly trembling.
‘Ssh!’ Leaning forward, Kathleen took hold of Judy’s two hands and made them be still. ‘Look at me, love.’
Raising her head, Judy looked up at her.
‘I just want to help, that’s all,’ Kathleen said very gently.
‘I know, but you can’t help. Nobody can.’
‘Trust me, Judy. There is always help. All we have to do is look for it.’
Afraid, Judy grew silent.
Undeterred, Kathleen persisted, ‘Just now, what did you mean when you said you had no choice, that you didn’t know what to do, and that there was no one else?’
Judy was emphatic. ‘I didn’t mean anything! I was all mixed up, just like I was with Harry.’
Thankful that the other diners were busy with their own conversations and so were not aware of herself and Judy, Kathleen lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘You said you would tell me the truth.’
‘I have!’
‘Please be honest with me, Judy. Was there someone else involved?’ She hardly dare let herself think it. ‘Tell me. Trust me.’
‘Tell you what?’ Judy was beginning to panic. ‘I’ve told you all I can.’
‘Well, I have the feeling you’re holding back; that there is something else, something that you find hard to deal with, and that’s why you were so desperate, why you needed help – and why there was no one there.’
Seeing the rush of tears to the wan young woman’s eyes, her fears were confirmed. Instinctively, she cradled Judy’s face with the palms of her hands, as she might do to a child. ‘Putting the business of Harry aside for the minute. I reckon you were hurt long before that, and now I believe you can’t get it out of your mind. Isn’t that so, me darlin’?’
And then, when Judy remained silent, into Kathleen’s fertile mind crept all manner of unthinkable things. ‘Sure, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.’
‘There was nothing!’ Having raised her voice, Judy was acutely aware of people looking. But the passing curiosity of strangers was nothing compared to the fear she had learned to live with all these years.
‘Ssh now,’ Kathleen calmed her. ‘It’s all right. I won’t ask you again, me darlin’. Just know that I’m here, if you need a friend.’
Judy so desperately wanted to tell her everything, but the secret was too awful. She had promised herself long ago that she must never reveal it to a soul.
Kathleen had sensed enough, but not all of it. ‘Like I say, I won’t ask you again, but I hope you will come to me whenever you feel ready.’ Although if the truth was what she suspected, it would have to be brought out into the open, and when that happened, there were bound to be serious repercussions.
Having composed herself, Judy confessed, ‘All I wanted was for Harry to love me … as if we were husband and wife.’ Cleverly twisting the truth in order to satisfy Kathleen’s dangerous instincts, she went on convincingly, ‘There was nothing else. I loved Harry too much, that’s all.’
She felt deeply ashamed. She had told Kathleen the truth, just as she had promised – yet had left out a huge chunk of it. What she had deliberately omitted was the reason why she needed Harry to make love to her; and she could never do that without hurting other people.
While Kathleen had convinced herself that Judy was not telling the entire truth, the girl was now saying: ‘You know how much I loved Harry. I have never loved anyone else like that, and never will. Every minute of every day since he’s been gone, I’ve missed him more than he could ever know.’
‘So you’re married to Phil, but you still love Harry, is that it?’ Little did Judy know that Harry was now living with her – at the house in Fisher’s Hill. Kathleen too had things to hide. Should she tell Judy? Kathleen wasn’t sure.
Judy merely nodded, but the smile on her face told its own story.
‘So why do you stay with Phil?’ Kathleen burst out. ‘Is it for the child’s sake? Is it because you have nowhere else to go? Because if that is the reason, we can go back to your place and pack a few things right now. You can move in with me. Would you like that?’ She would tell her about Harry – she would have to, now.
‘I can’t!’ The stark realisation of what Phil would do if she ever walked out on him, made Judy tremble. ‘Thank you all the same, Kathleen, but I can’t do that.’
‘Why not? What’s to stop you? And besides, you just said yourself that you don’t love Phil. It’s Harry you love, isn’t that right?’
‘I’ve never loved Phil. It’s always been Harry, right from the first.’
‘Yet you’re hellbent on staying with Phil. So, is it for the child’s sake?’
‘In a way, yes, I suppose it is.’ That was true enough, because though she had deliberately kept Phil in the dark, he watched her every move, listened to her every conversation, and was never satisfied with anything she told him. Consequently, he still had it in him to wreak havoc, for her and others, and more importantly, for the child.
Judy could not let that happen, even if it meant that for the rest of her miserable life, she had to put up with Phil’s jealousy and violence.
‘Judy, please listen to me.’ Kathleen had seen the girl’s dilemma written in her face, and in the frantic way she was twisting her napkin round and round in her hands.
Having now got Judy’s full attention, she went on, ‘I’ve already promised not to ask what it is that you’re holding back, and I will keep my promise. However, I do know there is something, and whatever it is, it will surely go on torturing you, unless you find the courage to speak out. You may feel there is nothing to be done about it, but there is always a way.’
She paused, allowing all of that to sink in, then went on, ‘All I’m asking is that you think about what I’m saying, and when the day comes that you just can’t live with it any more, you must come to me, and I promise hand on heart, I’ll do all in my power to help you.’
She leaned forward to look into the girl’s face, hoping that she might extract a promise. ‘So, Judy me darlin’, will you at least do that for me?’
Judy shook her head emphatically. ‘No, I can’t. I’ve already said too much.’ She quickly went on to stress that she was content enough in the life she was leading. ‘Me and Phil have been together a while now, and yes, we have our little tiffs, but they’re no more serious than anyone else’s,’ she lied, ‘so you’re not to worry.’
The last thing she wanted was for K
athleen to get involved. She had learned to her cost what an unpredictable and violent man her husband was.
Choosing her words carefully, Kathleen now changed tack. ‘If Harry was here right now,’ she said quietly, ‘what would you do?’
The mere thought of Harry made Judy’s heart soar.
If Harry was here, she would run to him and plead for him to take her back, to forgive her. She would tell him how much she needed him, and that she would love him till her dying day. She would open her heart to him, and tell him how her life was a living hell, and that because of her, the child was gone for ever. She would admit that she was little more than a slave to Phil Saunders and how she didn’t care what happened to her, because she was finished and worthless, and there was really no point in living any longer.
She would tell him things she had never told anyone else – the real reason why she had lied to him. She would hold nothing back; instead she would do what she should have done long ago … she would put her trust in Harry with all her heart and soul.
Yes! That’s what she would do, and then she would throw herself on his mercy.
Kathleen’s next words struck her to the heart.
‘He came back, Judy,’ Kathleen whispered. ‘Harry came back, and now he’s staying with me.’
Struck silent and hardly able to breathe, Judy reeled back in her chair.
She felt Kathleen’s hand on hers, and heard the Irish voice soft and reassuring in her ear. ‘Sure he’s been through a terrible time lately,’ she was saying. ‘He has a son Tom, aged five, just started school.’ And the last piece of information. ‘As soon as he stepped out of the car, he was asking after you.’
Hardly able to believe what Kathleen was telling her, Judy’s heart was pounding so fast, she thought it would burst right out of her chest.
‘He’s got a job at Jacobs’ store, opposite the prison,’ Kathleen went on. ‘As soon as he can get sorted, he means to buy a place for himself and young Tom; he has the money from the sale of his own house, after …’ She shook her head. ‘Y’see, me darlin’, Harry’s wife passed on two months since. From what he tells me, she was poorly for a long time. There was nothing they could do for her.’
Moving on from that sorry business, she informed Judy, ‘So there ye have it! After all this time, Harry Blake has come home to his roots. He means to build a new life for himself and young Tom. I told him he could stay with me for as long as he likes.’ She smiled. ‘He hasn’t changed much. He’s still as handsome as—’
She was amazed when Judy scrambled out of the seat and started gathering her bag and coat. ‘I have to go!’
‘Judy! What are you doing?’ Desperate, Kathleen urged her to stay and talk. ‘We have so much catching up to do, and now that Harry’s back, you can maybe meet up. This is your chance to put matters right, Judy … you and Harry.’
She caught hold of the girl’s arm. ‘Please, me darlin’ – won’t you stay a wee while longer?’
Kathleen had always known these two people were meant for each other. ‘What if I told you that Harry is riddled with guilt at having left you?’ For a moment, she managed to keep Judy there. ‘He still loves you,’ she confided. ‘Sure it’s as plain as day, the man still has deep feelings for you. Make it right between you, Judy. Let him tell you what’s in his heart, why don’t ye?’
For a long moment it seemed as though Judy would consent to do just that. Then suddenly she was rushing away. ‘I have to go,’ she called back. ‘I’ll be in touch.’
She fled across the café and out the door, and was quickly gone from sight, leaving Kathleen stunned by Judy’s reaction. ‘I should never have told her,’ she chided herself. Seeing the waitress approach, she began fumbling for her purse in order to pay the bill. ‘Silly old fool that I am. It was too soon. Far too soon.’
The waitress was quickly by her side. ‘Would you like anything else?’
Unsettled by Judy’s rapid departure, Kathleen asked, ‘Do you sell brandy?’
‘Sorry, no, we don’t have a licence to sell spirits.’
Kathleen groaned. ‘Ah, well now, that’s a great pity, so it is.’
‘So, will there be anything else then?’
‘Aye, go on with ye, I’ll have another strong pot of tea … oh, and one o’ them fine Bakewell tarts I saw behind the counter, thank you.’
Whenever she was upset or angry, she had a tendency to make for the sweet things. Besides, she was in no hurry to get to Tom’s school. She had a great deal to think about.
The thing was … should she tell Harry that she had bumped into Judy? Or should she let sleeping dogs lie?
For the first time in an age, she searched her bag for that elusive little tin of brown snuff. Having found it, she then tapped the lid to loosen the snuff inside; she opened the lid, and with the tip of her finger and thumb, pinched out a wee helping of the brown stuff. Just as the waitress started her way over with the order, Kathleen quickly rammed the snuff up her nostrils, whereupon she began sneezing, fit to die.
‘Oh my goodness.’ The waitress was concerned. ‘Would you like a glass of water?’
‘No, I would not!’ Kathleen could not even remember the last time she had drunk water. ‘The tea will be fine,’ she declared, with the discipline of a sergeant-major. ‘I’ll thank you not to offer me the water again, if ye don’t mind.’
While the waitress went away with a smile on her face, Kathleen proceeded to pour out her tea, adding the usual minuscule drop of milk and four spoonfuls of sugar. After the first deep gulp of the soothing drink, she got to thinking.
‘Those two should be together,’ she decided. ‘The question is, what is it that Judy is hiding? What is she so afraid to tell?’
Her thoughts turned to Phil. ‘How can we be rid of that divil-man, Saunders?’
With Judy so adamant that she would not leave him, Kathleen could see only one way. ‘We’ll have to hit him over the head with a mallet.’ Realising what she had said, she was now mortified. ‘Oh, dear Lord above.’ Frantically making the sign of the cross on herself, she groaned, ‘The beast Beelzebub is already working his evil on me, so he is.’
Horrified at the prospect of a slow and merciless demise as her punishment, she took a huge bite out of her Bakewell tart and washed it down with a great gulp of tea – which had her coughing and choking again, and fighting to breathe.
Dutiful as ever, the waitress ran over with a glass of water. ‘Take it away!’ Kathleen wheezed. ‘I’d rather choke than be poisoned, so I would!’
Chapter Fourteen
‘I DO ENJOY the Sundays.’ Harry had settled into Kathleen’s cosy home as though he had never left it. ‘I don’t have to leap out of bed and rush off to work, trudging the streets in all weathers. It’s good to take it easy and be with you and Tom.’ He glanced out to the garden where Tom was playing. ‘He loves it here,’ Harry told Kathleen, ‘and he loves you as much as I ever did.’
‘Ah, well now.’ Kathleen paused in her knitting. ‘We all know why that is, don’t we, eh?’
‘We don’t, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.’ Harry so enjoyed these little banters between himself and Kathleen.
‘It’s because I make the best ginger biscuits in the world.’ With her face beaming from ear to ear, she looked like a mischievous child.
Harry played along. ‘You’re absolutely right!’ he exclaimed. ‘That’s what it is … the ginger biscuits.’
Folding her knitting, Kathleen laid it down and came to the kitchen window, from where Harry had been keeping an eye on Tom. ‘I reckon he’s got the makings of an athlete.’ Harry gestured proudly to where Tom was leaping backwards and forwards over the flowerbed.
‘Bejaysus! Will ye look at that!’ It was not the first time Kathleen had seen Tom performing his ‘athletic’ skills; but never over her precious flowerbed. ‘Sure, he’d best not flatten my dahlias,’ she warned hands on hips, ‘or he’ll have the makings of a thick ear, so he will!’
Banging on
the window she called Tom inside. ‘Get in here, ye little divil.’ She crooked a finger at him. ‘I’ve a new batch o’ ginger biscuits straight out the oven. If ye don’t hurry, me and yer father will eat the lot.’
While Tom ran towards the cottage, the telephone rang inside, making Kathleen almost leap out of her skin. ‘Damn thing always takes me unawares,’ she complained, waddling over to the sideboard where she snatched up the receiver.
‘Who is it and what d’ye want?’ Kathleen had a way with words. ‘He’s right here, yes. You stay there and I’ll get him.’ Holding out the big black receiver, she nagged at Harry, ‘Will ye hurry up, there’s a man here, wanting to talk with ye.’
Smiling to himself, Harry duly thanked her and took the receiver. ‘Hello, Harry Blake here.’
There followed a short conversation, during which Harry nodded and agreed, then disagreed, and when he brought the conversation to an end, it was with a heartfelt ‘Thank you. We’ll talk again next week, yes, soonever I’m able to.’
‘Who might that be then?’ Kathleen was never backwards in coming forwards. ‘Sure it wasn’t trouble, was it? Only I thought the man seemed a bit sharpish, so I did.’
Harry was glad to explain. ‘No, that’s just his way. He always sounds a bit miserable, but he’s a good man, and an even better gardener.’
‘A gardener, you say?’ That puzzled her.
‘You recall I told you I’d managed to find someone to tend Sara’s little garden in the churchyard, in between me being able to get back and see to it?’
Kathleen nodded acknowledgement. ‘Of course – yes, I remember. So is everything all right?’
‘Apparently there was a bit of a problem with the cross and bird-droppings. He thinks it needs to be moved from under the trees.’
He relayed the gardener’s conversation. When emotion took hold, he paused a moment to reflect, thinking it strange how at times Sara seemed so very close, and other times he found it difficult to even recall her face. He thanked the Lord for the years he had shared with her on this earth, but in the same heartbeat he was angry that she had been taken so young.
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