“I am,” I replied. “And this doesn’t have to be permanent, anyway. Principal Hale said that if I’m not happy with homeschooling for whatever reason, I can always start attending classes in the spring semester, or even just wait and go back next year.”
“Okay,” he said, and reached his arms out for me. “Come here. Let’s make up.”
I laughed and let him pull me into his lap. I curled up the best I could, resting my head on his chest and trying to fit completely onto his lap so that I wasn’t touching the couch at all. It felt like forever since he’d held me this way, but that wasn’t his fault. I’d been so insecure about my body after Harper was born, feeling more unfamiliar within my own skin than I’d been when I was pregnant. At least then, I knew what was me and what was her. After it just felt like skin that didn’t belong, fat that had nowhere to go. I’d lost the weight pretty quickly, but my body still felt unfamiliar at times. In some ways, I missed being pregnant. I missed the comfort in knowing that anywhere I went, I was never alone. Harper was always with me.
Adam kissed the top of my head and sighed into my hair. “I’m so glad it’s finally the weekend,” he whispered.
“I bet,” I agreed, snuggling closer to him. “I’m glad, too.”
“Yeah? Why’s that?”
I tilted my head up and kissed his chin. “So I can finally have you all to myself,” I replied.
“Yeah?” He grinned and pushed his arms underneath me, lifting me from his lap and placing me on the couch. The movement felt so familiar, bringing me back to over a year ago, our first time together. Could that have really been so long ago? Sometimes it still felt like yesterday.
He climbed over top of me and began kissing me and at first I complied. It felt good being close to him again, feeling his lips against mine. Familiar, comforting, and a little bit scary.
I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back. I felt him tense up a little, but his eyes remained affectionate. “What’s wrong?” He asked.
“Not tonight,” I said.
“Why?” Slowly, the impatience was creeping back in. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation and as much as I didn’t want to admit to it, it wouldn’t be our last.
“I’m just not ready.”
“Thea said six weeks, Lainey. It’s been ten.”
“I know.”
“Then what’s the problem? Haven’t you been taking your pill regularly?”
I wanted to tell him that it was much more than that, that it was much more than the fear of getting pregnant again. But he’d never understand, so I didn’t.
“Yes, I’ve been taking it regularly.”
Adam sighed and pulled himself up, placing his head in his hands. I sat up and scurried to the other end of the couch. He’d been so understanding at first. He didn’t want to risk another pregnancy either, or do anything that could potentially hurt me. It felt like forever until I recovered completely after getting home from the birthing center.
But he was losing patience and part of me couldn’t blame him. I didn’t even know entirely why I was holding back, why I was scared of letting him touch me. It probably had to do with the fact that I still felt so unfamiliar with my own body, but I wasn’t sure. I just knew that the thought of being intimate scared me and there was nothing I could seem to do to keep that fear from surfacing.
“I’m going out for pizza,” he announced suddenly, standing up.
“What? Why?”
“I’m hungry,” he replied curtly, grabbing his wallet, keys and phone off the coffee table and sliding them into his pocket. “I’ll bring you back something, okay?”
He was already at the door, sliding on his shoes. I thought of a way to answer and keep him here without making it obvious. Nothing came to mind.
“Okay,” I whispered. He stepped out into the night and didn’t look back.
Chapter 2
“Married two months and already we’re separated,” Mason complained sadly. It was Saturday morning and Harper and I had dropped by to pay him a visit. He and I sat across from each other at the kitchen table while Harper hung out in her car seat on top of the table itself, fast asleep.
“You’re not separated,” I said. “Cynthia went back to Delaware to get ready for her job, and you’re going back next week.”
“Yeah, but she’s already been gone three days and I still haven’t heard from Dad yet.” He sighed, inconsolable. “I can’t believe how much I already miss her.”
“You’ll see her soon enough,” I encouraged him. “Just be glad you don’t have intimacy issues.”
Mason made a face. “Look Lainey, I get that we’re both still pretty new to this whole big brother little sister thing, but there are definitely some things you don’t need to tell me.”
“Sorry,” I apologized with a laugh. “But I literally have no one I can talk to about this.”
“You can try Adam?”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s just mad at me for having them.” I sighed.
“I’m willing to bet he isn’t mad at you at all,” Mason insisted. “You just had a baby, Lainey. Try to be a little more patient with yourself. Besides, you’re only sixteen. You should probably stop trying to be intimate at all for like, at least two more years.”
I grinned. “I have a baby and I’m engaged. I don’t think average sixteen year-old logic applies to me anymore.”
Mason threw his hands in the air helplessly. “Well, I for one am out of suggestions. Just try not to make another Harper anytime soon, okay? She’s great and all, but I think she’s enough to handle for right now.”
“I’ll drink to that,” I agreed, picking up my glass of apple juice and downing the last little bit of it. “Refill?” I asked, sliding the glass across the table to him and cutting myself another piece of homemade coffee cake. Erin Foster had made it and dropped it off earlier that day, before I’d gotten here. It made me feel even sadder for her.
Mason headed over to the refrigerator and filled both his glass and mine back to the rim with apple juice. “We live such exciting lives,” he commented.
“The most exciting,” I agreed. “Hollywood stars are probably jealous.”
“So what are the big plans today?” He asked, coming back to the table and sliding the glass over to me. A little bit of juice slid off the top and splashed onto the table. I quickly wiped it up with a napkin, as if expecting Nora to pop out of nowhere and yell at us for being so messy.
“Sylvia is picking me up from here in a bit, and we’re going grocery shopping. Other than that, nothing at all. You?”
“Tending to whatever crisis whatever guest is having at whatever time,” he replied. “We’re only down to three rooms being rented out right now, so it shouldn’t be too hectic.”
“Dad and Nora should be home soon,” I commented.
“Yeah, I’m expecting to hear from them sometime today. With school starting Monday and all, I’d think they’d want to get back in time for Hannah to start on time.”
“Yeah, I can’t picture Nora being okay with Hannah missing a day of school. She doesn’t even let her off easy when she has a temperature over a hundred.”
“She’s cruel.”
“Sometimes. She’s just… Nora.”
“Do you miss her?” His question caught me a little off guard and at first I wasn’t sure how to answer.
“Sometimes,” I said cautiously. “But then sometimes not.”
“That’s how I’ve felt about Dad since… well, since forever,” he admitted. “You miss them because they’re your parents and you’re entitled to love them, but you can’t help but feel like maybe your life is just the slightest bit better without them around.”
“That sounds so bad.”
“I know. But it’s the truth, isn’t it?”
“I miss Lila more than I miss Nora,” I said instead. I didn’t want to admit that what he’d just said fit perfectly with how I felt about our dad, too. Of
course I missed him, but at the same time I was afraid of missing him even more when he was within reach. Somehow missing someone who hadn’t actually gone anywhere felt so much worse than missing someone on the opposite side of the country.
“Maybe you should tell her that,” he suggested. Mason had missed out on the Lila fiasco when it was happening, but he’d heard all about it throughout the summer.
“I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“Yeah, I can see where you’d be afraid of that. But there’s no reward where there’s no risk.”
One of the reasons I loved Mason so much was that he always sounded so wise. I’d never really felt like I was missing out on much, not having an active older brother in my life. But now I couldn’t imagine not having him around each and every day. He was such a comfort to me, the way he seemed to understand things and accept them for what they were. The way he always accepted whatever decision I was making whether it was to try to switch Harper to a soy-based formula or whether or not I should try homeschooling. He offered his advice, but was never offended if I opted not to take it.
“Maybe eventually,” I said, smiling softly. “I have enough on my plate right now.”
“So I’m guessing Adam didn’t take the news of you homeschooling all that well?”
I shrugged. “He got over it pretty fast. Now he’s mad at me for other reasons.”
“Or so I’ve gathered,” Mason said dryly. “He’ll get over that, too. He’s still young. Just try to keep that in mind.”
“I will.” I smiled over at him. “You’re pretty smart, big brother.”
“Yeah, well I try.” He took another long sip of his apple juice and then sighed loudly. “You know, I’m actually going to miss this place when I head back to Delaware.”
“Really?” I was surprised by that. I knew he liked Haven, but who wouldn’t? It was small and beautiful, paradise-like. The type of place you go to on vacation and wish you could live year-round. I just didn’t think he’d miss Bella Vista and all the stress that came along with running it.
“Yeah. I mean, it’s hard work but it definitely beats trying to sell cars all the time.” Mason worked at his stepfather’s car lot and wasn’t secretive about how much he hated the job. But it paid fairly well and he’d never really found anything he’d rather do, so he stuck with it. It never even occurred to me that maybe running Bella Vista could finally be the thing he’d been looking for.
“Well, maybe Dad will decide he wants to move back to the west coast and give you Bella Vista,” I suggested. It was a long shot, but with our dad you never knew what was possible and what wasn’t.
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Mason laughed. “But I don’t know if I’d want to run it, anyway. I wouldn’t mind working for it, though. Maybe doing some renovations. But there’s no way Cyn would want to move down here, not after she’s already found a job back home and all.”
I tried to imagine Mason and Cynthia moving to Haven and the idea was so appealing I almost jumped out of my seat. I’d gotten so close to both of them over the summer and loved spending time with them. They were such a good couple, solid both in their love for each other and what they wanted from their future. I idolized them, in a way. They were what I wanted for Adam and me, when we were a little older and a little more settled. Having them around all the time… I couldn’t really imagine anything I’d like more than that.
“You never know,” I said, but that was the end of the conversation. I knew Mason didn’t want to get his hopes up and even so, even if Cynthia did want to move to Haven and form a new life, it would probably be a pretty tough move. They still had a lease on their apartment back in Wilmington, renewed just last month, and so much of their lives were wrapped up there.
“I am going to miss you guys when I have to go back,” he said, looking a little sadder. He grabbed Harper’s foot but she didn’t stir, still fast asleep. “I’m going to have to come back down around Christmas time, when Cyn has a little extra time off work. I don’t want to miss Harpy’s first Christmas.”
I cringed at the name Harpy. That was definitely one thing I hadn’t taken in to consideration when I chose the name; there was literally no nickname that sounded good.
“You can probably stay with Julia and Ned when you do, if you don’t want to stay here. They have at least two bedrooms available at all times now.”
“I might just take you up on that offer,” he remarked. “I don’t think anything would ruin the Christmas spirit quite like spending it with the Grinch herself.”
I laughed despite myself. I pictured Nora decked out all in green, the exact shade of her eyes and looking miserable. It wasn’t much of a stretch, considering she had looked miserable for the past few months. I didn’t think this vacation was going to do much in the way of changing that, but there was always hope.
I noticed the time and realized Sylvia was going to be there in a little bit to get us. “Well, let me know when you hear from Dad, okay? I have to get ready.” I tickled Harper’s belly, hoping to get her to wake up so I could do a diaper check. She squirmed but remained asleep.
“Will do,” Mason said. “I bet if nothing else you’re pretty anxious to have Hannah back in Haven, huh?”
“More than almost anything,” I agreed. We hadn’t spoken much all summer. Nora had taken her phone early on, insisting vacations were meant for relaxation and quality time, not texting and keeping updated on everything going on at home. I was pretty sure she was doing it to try and drive a wedge between Hannah and I, but I tried not to take it too personally. I was over the way Nora had treated me, for the most part. I wasn’t willing to go back to that, to let it hurt again. She’d made her decision and if she could live with it, then so could I.
It wasn’t like she was strong enough to keep Hannah and me apart, anyway. Nothing was.
Chapter 3
Saturday afternoon shopping trips with Sylvia had become something of a highlight over the summer. As silly as that sounded, it was true. We took our time roaming the aisles and stocking up on necessities, talking all the while about whatever was on our minds.
I’d gotten closer to Sylvia over the summer. She was very grandmotherly and willing to offer me advice on anything I needed help with. She seemed a little understanding about my situation, though she had been married and not quite as young as me when she’d had her children. Her husband had died nearly twenty years earlier and both of her kids lived in different states with children of their own. Her daughter Jennifer lived closest, and offered to have Sylvia move in with her multiple times, but Sylvia always turned down the offer. This was her home, she explained when I asked why. Even though she’d long since sold the home she’d owned with her husband and moved into an apartment, this would always be her home. The last little bit of the life she longed to hold onto.
I felt a comradery with her because in a way, we were both pretty alone in the world. My dad might be returning within a few days, but things would never be the same between us as they once were. And Nora, I’d be surprised if she even looked at me again. My mother, Lila, had disappeared the minute I refused to give in to her whims and I wasn’t counting on hearing from her again, despite Mason’s suggestion that I make the first move. I had Adam, but things between us changed after Harper was born. I loved him more than I ever had but there was a feeling of distance between us, something I couldn’t really place. I had the Montgomerys and I adored them and appreciated all they had done but I knew that if things didn’t work out with Adam in the end, I’d run the risk of losing them, too.
Harper was the most important thing in my world and I sometimes worried I was going to turn out and be a disappointment to her. My greatest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to give her all the things she needed and deserved.
“You didn’t bring a list,” Sylvia commented as we entered the store that afternoon. I closed my eyes in relief of the cool air that greeted us. Sylvia noticed and laughed at me. “You’re not much for the heat, are yo
u dear?”
“No, I am not. I think living in Oregon so long ruined me. But no, I didn’t bring a list because I don’t think I need all that much stuff.” I shifted Harper slightly and she made a small, protesting noise. She didn’t want to be here, I could tell. Mason had offered to watch her after she’d woken up and I’d fed her, but I’d declined his offer. I always felt sort of guilty, leaving her with someone else even if it was at their request.
So I kept her against my chest in the baby sling Julia bought for me after the first time we brought Harper out in public and realized she wasn’t much of a fan of hanging out in a stroller or a car seat. This was easier than carrying her and it pleased her to still feel like she was being held.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight,” Sylvia commented in a way that made me feel like maybe that wasn’t so much of a compliment. “Have you been eating alright?”
“Yeah, of course. I wanted to lose the baby weight as quickly as I could.”
“I know dear, but you look thinner than you were in the first place. I wouldn’t say anything, but I know how stressed out you’ve been lately. I want to make sure you’re handling everything well.”
“I’m fine,” I insisted, trying to keep my voice level. I knew Sylvia meant well, just like I knew Julia meant well whenever she made a comment. But it bothered me to think they were so unsure of my potential to take care of myself. “It’s not like I’m breastfeeding, anyway.”
I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice when I uttered those last words. It was the source of probably my biggest guilt when it came to Harper and I still wasn’t completely over it. I’d sworn up and down that I’d breastfeed after she was born. It was the natural step after having a natural birth, right? Apparently my body hadn’t agreed. Thea said my stress levels were too high, making it near impossible for me to ever produce enough milk to feed Harper all that she needed to be fed. The more I tried to calm myself down the more stressed out I became and eventually there was no other choice but to switch her to formula. The pediatrician I’d begun seeing reassured me that there was nothing wrong with feeding her formula, that she’d grow to be every bit as healthy as she was meant to be but it was still hard to accept for me. I wanted to do everything perfectly and by being unable to feed her in the most natural way, I already felt like I’d failed.
The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series) Page 2