She began to cry, her tears dripping down into the chalice.
“I have to leave soon. I have to find a way to save Kaia and my parents. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I’ll find a way. I always have. But, before I go, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m not what you were searching for. I…I don’t know how to be her. I don’t know how to be this woman you fell in love with. Estia was so many things, she was larger than life. A goddess. I’m just…I’m just me. I’m not her. And, when I think about how disappointing that must be for you, it makes my chest ache. I wish I was her, I wish I could be the woman who could complete your heart and fulfill your destiny. I’m sorry…I’m so very sorry about what I did to you. When I met you, you were confident, joyful, energetic, and full of life. Now I look at you and I see a broken man, and I can’t help but think that I am responsible. No, I know I’m responsible, and that kills me inside. I took so much away from you, and I can never give it back.”
Agaprei opened her eyes, and when she saw that the chalice remained dim, she lowered her head and balled her fists.
“Even now. Even now my prayers go unanswered. I can’t stand the silence anymore! I hate it!”
She kicked over the chalice, spilling its contents all over the floor. “I HATE IT! Smite me, chastise me, insult me, do ANYTHING! Just please…please stop ignoring my prayers!”
Erolina stooped over and righted the chalice, the mist flowing up the side and filling it anew. “Careful, you could have broken it.”
Cornett placed a hand on her shoulder. “Come, let’s give her a chance to rest and we’ll try again.”
He picked up Philiastra and took her to her room.
Once she was alone, Agaprei returned her hands to the side of the chalice. For hours she stood there, speaking, praying, shouting, and railing. Hour after hour, she poured out her heart to the darkness and the silence, growing ever more frustrated, ever more desperate. Her hands became blue and numb rom the cold, her skin sweating from the heat, but she would not let go.
Her body grew tired. The clock on the wall chimed midnight, and she shouted. A long, mournful howl of frustration. A heartfelt bale, wordless yet infinitely communicative.
Her hands dropped to her sides, and she bowed her head.
“You know, you really are a terrible person,” came a voice from behind.
Agaprei turned around, and found Erolina standing in the doorway.
“Go away, Scythe. Leave me alone.”
“You don’t deserve him.”
“Oh, this coming from YOU? That just drips of hypocrisy.”
Erolina drew near and pointed at Storgen lying weak on his deathbed. “That man wanted nothing more than to make you happy. And what did he ask in return? Eh? Nothing. Just the privilege of standing at your side. Just the honor of doing everything he could, every day, to bring you joy. Every thought in his head, every move he made was completely dedicated to coming up with ways to make your life better. That man offered you his whole soul, and you spat in his face for it!”
“Don’t you tell me what I did!” Agaprei snapped, rage in her tear-filled eyes. “You don’t think I know what I did? I don’t need to be judged by a pile of filth like you!”
“Are you mad?”
“Of course I’m mad!”
“Are you livid?”
“You bet I am!”
“Good.”
Erolina grabbed her hands and placed them on the rim of the chalice. “Now, use those feelings.”
Agaprei looked at her in confusion, then realized what she was doing.
“All right, fine. Storgen…Storgen, the truth is, I don’t deserve you, and I know it. I…I still don’t believe in destiny. But, when I was with you…”
She began to cry. “…when I was with you, I wished that I did.”
The chalice beat with a mighty heartbeat, and the room filled with light. Agaprei found herself falling through an endless sky of clouds. She came to rest on one of the larger clouds, and it bore up her weight like a soft pillow. Before her stood a great longhouse, with bright windows of sapphire glass, and roof tiles of sparkling diamond.
The great doors of silver parted for her, and inside she found rows of clean beds of white satin. A place of the most beautiful music she had ever heard. The sick and the weary lay in the beds, taking strength from this holy place.
A radiant woman floated through the hall, singing with the most angelic voice Agaprei had ever heard. Not just one voice, but several at once, each richer and more magnificent that the last. A quartet of immaculate music, all coming from a single woman. Yet they were not the voices of four different people, but all her voice. Her wisdom expressed as a smooth tenor, her strength a melodious base, her empathy a resonant alto, and her tenderness, a gorgeous soprano. The magic of her voices filled the air with sweetness, cleansing wounds, bandaging hearts, and soothing aches. Her voice moved instruments and bottles. Medicines were mixed without hands, herbs were administered without touch, sheets were changed and water was given.
The woman turned around, and Agaprei recognized her own face, but more beautiful and fair than she had ever known it to be. This was a place of rest, a place of mercy, a place where hurt hearts were mended, and wounded bodies were made whole.
Agaprei felt her heart beating strong in her chest. “A house of healing, a house of song, a house of magic…this is what he wants for me? This is how he sees me?”
“Does that surprise you?” Came Cornett’s solemn voice.
Her heart beat even stronger. “I thought I knew what I’d find in a man’s heart. I thought it would be dark, and scary and wicked. I never expected to find…this. I’ve been such a fool. Such an ignorant, judgmental fool.”
She turned around and looked up to the sky. “Storgen, you are not what I thought you were. You really are…”
Her heart beat so hard her feelings seemed to burst forth out of her. Emotions locked away and denied for so long now let loose with the force of a breaking dam. They flowed out of her like compressed sunlight, the entire hall rippling like the surface of clear water.
The light filled everything, and then she felt herself ascending, rising up back into her body, her soul feeling lighter and more free than it ever had before.
And then the sensation began to fade. She was lying on the floor, looking up as Storgen’s crippled body glowed faintly, then returned to normal.
And then the guilt returned. The regret washed back in like the tide, with the heaviness of regret, and Agaprei was overcome with exhaustion.
“You did it…” Cornett exclaimed, placing a glowing hand on Storgen’s chest.
“Please…save him,” Agaprei whispered, her eyes so heavy she could not keep them open. “Tell him…I was wrong to treat him as I did. Tell him…I’m sorry I couldn’t be his true love.”
Her amber eyes closed, and she fell into a deep sleep.
Cornett pulled his hand away. “…But it wasn’t enough. We will need one more to save him.”
Erolina sighed. “Well, I guess that means I’m next.”
While Cornett took Agaprei away, Erolina rubbed her hands together, soaking up some of the latent magic in the air and coating her skin with it. “This ought to make the transfer easier.”
Carefully, she placed her hands on the rim and closed her eyes. She was relieved to be alone, it would allow her to be more sincere. This was something she only wanted Storgen to hear, and it was easier this way.
“Storgen, I have to go. War is almost upon us, and my people need me. But before I go, I wanted you to know how grateful I am to have known you. I had never really been friends with a man before. There didn’t seem to be much point. But now I see how wrong I was. Knowing you was an enriching experience, an enlightening experience. You taught me things I didn’t even know about myself. You opened my eyes to things I wanted that I never even knew I wanted. You showed me…what my life might have been.”
She opened her eyes
and was surprised to find that the chalice remained inert. She checked the sides to ensure Agaprei hadn’t cracked it or anything, but it seemed to be functioning fine.
“Something is wrong. That should have worked the first time.”
She began anew, speaking the same words as before, but trying to put more feeling into them. Her hands glowed, trying to force the energy into the chalice, but it pushed back just as hard. As she finished, the forced rebounded and kicked her hands away.
“The forest nymph managed to make her feelings heard the first time. I shouldn’t be having this much trouble.”
She tried a third time, and a fourth, but each time, the result was the same.
“What is going on here?” she said, growing concerned. “This shouldn’t be happening.”
Balling her fists, she strode out of the room, returning a minute later, holding the locket Storgen had carved for her out of driftwood.
“Look, see here Storgen, I kept it.”
She stood over him and her expression soured. Touching his cheek, she could feel how cold it felt.
“Would you like to see the other locket I have?”
She reached down her collar and pulled out the small, faded locket she always wore. “It’s funny, I’ve never shown this to anyone before. Amazons aren’t supposed to have keepsakes. I guess that’s another law I broke.”
She opened the clasp, revealing a small lock of hair kept within. “This is from my daughter, Apollonia, when she got her very first haircut. I cut it myself. Bet you didn’t know I had a daughter, right? I know I don’t seem like the motherly type…”
She ran her fingers over the fine blonde hairs. “I wonder if she even remembers me now; it’s been so long. She’s probably taken her first trail of blood by now, and I missed it...”
With her keen ears, she could hear Storgen’s heartbeat begin to slow. His skin grew even more pale.
“No! Storgen, hang in there!”
Erolina placed her hands on his chest. She could feel him growing colder, growing stiffer. “I can do this. I have to do this!”
Hearing the distress, Cornett opened the door and flew in. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. He’s getting worse.”
Cornett held a glowing hand over Storgen’s head. “He’s beginning to fade.”
“What does that mean?”
“His spirit is succumbing to the curse. He won’t last the night.”
“Then I have to hurry.”
Erolina ran over to the chalice and placed her glowing hands upon it. “Storgen, Storgen you’ve got to listen to me. You’ve got to fight this. You’ve got to push back. You can’t let Master Kynigó beat you like this. You have to prove that you are stronger than he is. You can’t let him win.”
The chalice grew even dimmer.
“Come on!” she said, shaking it violently.
Cornett looked at her glowing hands with concern. “Scythe, this is not something you can achieve with brute force.”
“Be quiet. I am the daughter of Erotas. I am the most highly skilled fighter in my tribe. I have risen to every challenge since I was born. I will do this.”
“Except, this is not a foe you can vanquish. This is not an enemy you can simply slay, or trick, or ambush. This time, the obstacle is inside of you.”
“Inside of me?”
He took her hand and held it up. “You’re trying to protect yourself from feeling his pain.”
“Don’t tell me what I am doing. I am trying to facilitate the transfer.”
“Your pride, you have to let it go.”
“Don’t lecture me, former god of poetry. This is an obstacle like any other, all I need is focus and training.”
Storgen’s heartbeat slowed down even further, his skin darkening to a stale grey.
“Get out, I must hurry!”
She shoved him outside and slammed the door. Drawing in even more magic, she placed her glowing hands on the chalice and pushed even harder than before, the device trembling as if it would shatter.
“Come on! Why can’t I do this? What is wrong with me? I can do this!”
The chalice cracked and she was thrown across the room, slamming hard into the wall. When she sat up, she saw Storgen lying on the floor where he had been knocked out of bed.
“Oh no!”
Carefully, she walked over and picked him up. He felt so light now, so frail. His center of gravity shifted with the loss of his limbs. Knowing it was her fault made her feel like screaming, but her training forced her to remain silent. Carefully she put him back in bed and pulled up the covers. His heartbeat was so faint now she could barely detect it.
“Oh, no…oh no, oh no…”
She walked back over to the cracked chalice, her red eyes flickering in panic. “What do I do? What do I do?”
She looked at her hands, then clenched them hard. “All right.”
She flicked away the magic she had gathered, and carefully placed her bare skin against the rim. His loneliness rushed up into her, his sorrow burned her, and she audibly gasped from the sensation. He was alone, more alone than he had ever been before. More alone than anyone had ever been. She could feel his anguish, all those years, alone in that cage. Alone in the darkness. It was all he had ever known, yet he had dared to hope. Hope that one day he would find someone he could trust. Life had taught him nothing but to fear and hate others, that other people were a threat to him. Experience had taught him that people would prod him, poke him, freeze him, cage him, hurt him, steal his blood; treat him worse than an animal. And yet somehow, deep in his heart, he had managed to hold onto a dream. A belief that somewhere out there, he would find people who would be kind to him. And then, for the first time in his life, he had found people he felt he could trust, people who he felt would reciprocate his kindness with kindness of their own…
…And those people betrayed him too.
Erolina fell to her knees. The emotions overwhelmed her. She could feel what it was to have absolutely nothing. Storgen lived in a world of darkness, yet had dared to believe that light existed somewhere. And when he searched for it, all he had found was more darkness.
Now, that darkness consumed him. He existed in complete isolation, without beginning or end. A void that stretched on for eternity. His heart had cried out for companionship, had thirsted for friendship, had hungered for love. But now his heart cried out no more, his thirst had expired, his hunger had passed, and all that as left was…
…nothing.
It was more than she could bear. Her own feelings were slamming against her control. Her iron will buckled under the strain. She felt guilty…so incredibly guilty. It felt like shards of glass inside her heart. He would never walk again…and it was her fault.
She gripped the edge of the chalice, facing his pain without flinching or looking away. “Storgen, when I asked you to run away with me. It wasn’t a ruse. I really did want it. I wanted it desperately. You’ve lived your life in such an honest and sincere way. I…I was jealous of it, and of you. I’d give anything to have someone look at me the way you looked when you’d talk about Knives. In truth, I wanted you to look at me that way, but now I remember that can never be. Still, I want you to know, I will always treasure the time we spent together. I know in my heart I will never find a sparring partner as invigorating as you were…”
She looked at his missing legs, her eyes filling with tears.
“…or walk again…”
Despite all of her training telling her that it was shameful to cry, she cried deeply.
And yet the chalice remained as silent as ever. She tried again and again, her words lost amid tears, her voice growing hoarse as she screamed her feelings into the void. Minutes stretched into hours, and hours blurred together in a haze of emotion, pain, frustration, and despair.
“Why?” she wept. “Why won’t my feelings get through? I’m being sincere. Painfully sincere. What more do I have to do?!”
“You might as well give up,” c
ame a dark voice.
Erolina turned around and found Agaprei standing in the doorway, her blanket wrapped around herself. “This is a waste of time.”
“Shut up, Knives!”
“You can try all you want, but we both know it won’t amount to anything.”
“I said shut up!”
“You are completely incapable of letting go of your pride for even one blasted second.”
“Yes I can!”
“…and Storgen is going to die because of it.”
“I can do this!”
“Ha! Even as you say that, your smug superior amazon pride drips from every word you speak. You’ll never be able to cast it aside.”
“Leave me alone!”
Agaprei narrowed her eyes. “Your pride is more important to you than Storgen’s life is. THAT is why you fail to connect.”
“That’s not true. I want him to live!”
“You want him to live to make YOU feel better. You want him to be saved to ease YOUR conscious. To sooth YOUR guilt. Face it, you don’t love anyone except yourself. You don’t even have the ability to love anyone else.”
“That’s not true!”
“You’re an amazon. You feel nothing. It’s all just duty and honor and glory and combat to you. Nothing else exists in your hearts. What must that be like, huh? To be incapable of feeling. Love must not even calculate for you. It’s like an equation with nothing but variables. Completely impossible for you to understand.”
“Don’t you tell me what I feel, Knives. You know nothing about my feelings!”
Agaprei pointed at the chalice. “Look at you, Storgen lies dying and all you care about is upholding your honor.”
“What would you have me do? Huh?”
“You could start by apologizing.”
“For the last time, Amazons never apologize for anything! I did nothing wrong. I committed no sin. Everything I did, was for the greater glory of my tribe!”
Ambrosia Page 88