by Lucy Hone
• Attend a concert/performance that would be pleasurable to you both.
• Look through photo albums and focus on shared times and memories.
• Wear a piece of jewellery that was a favourite of the person.
• Wear cologne or perfume he/she liked on you.
• Wear an item of clothing given to you by him/her.
• Buy something for yourself he/she would like you to have.
• Enjoy lunch or dinner at a favourite café/restaurant.
• Visit the burial place—bring a balloon or symbolic item to leave.
• Journal some favourite stories.
• Travel to a place he/she enjoyed or always wanted to visit.
• Review how your life is better because he/she was a part of it.
• Focus on the gift he/she was to you.
• Purchase flowers on the anniversary. Bring for display at church or a home gathering. When people leave, have them take a flower.
• Send flowers to a close family member on the anniversary.
• Read a favourite poem(s) or book enjoyed by your loved one.
• Watch home videos and remember.
• Volunteer for an organisation in memory of your loved one.
• Become an activist in the cause of death issue—by participating in a walk-a-thon, phone-a-thon, etc.
• If you kept greeting cards given to you by your loved one, take time to read them again.
• Enjoy a leisurely walk, taking time to recall shared events in life together.3
JAN STANLEY’S RITUALS FOR GRIEVING
Since 1999, American leadership consultant Jan Stanley has lost her parents, her best friend and sister, making her the only member of her family of origin still alive. Jan has found rituals helpful in her own grieving process, which subsequently resulted in more and more friends and acquaintances asking for her assistance in designing rituals. She has described some of the rituals she has used for her own grief and those she has since devised at the request of others.
1. Writing a eulogy
Writing a eulogy is a ritual in a certain way. When we pour our hearts into the writing of a tribute, it helps us to remember the person we loved and also opens the door for our healing to truly begin. A beautiful ritualistic approach to eulogy writing is to collect stories and memories from those who knew the person well and weave them into a sketch of the person’s life. I always say that a good eulogy honours the person who died and uplifts all those who hear it. A good eulogy makes us want to be better people.
2. Giving away meaningful possessions
This ritual comes to me from a Native American ceremony that I attended about 10 years ago. A member of the community had been killed in a motorcycle accident. Elders did a ceremonial dance to create sacred space on a big field and then the wife took meaningful possessions from her deceased husband and gave them to the person who she felt would be the best keeper—putting them to good use. I have since used this giving away ritual after my Mum died and after my sister died. I also encourage others to use it, too. The giving away is a way to ensure that the essence of the person—their ideals, their hobbies, their values—lives on.
3. Washing my sister/preparing the body
This ritual is coming back some 100 years after it was commonplace due to a resurgence of dying at home and home funerals. When my sister died in her home in 2013, one of her daughters and I tenderly cleaned her body in preparation for her funeral. We also covered her in a prayer shawl that her daughters had made and then a lace coverlet that my daughter and I had purchased at an antique shop. This is a ritual for saying goodbye to the body that our loved one inhabited.
4. Carrying on a favourite tradition
The day my sister died, we all decided to go to the annual Fourth of July (American Independence Day) celebration that night in her honour, as it was one of her favourite holidays. In a similar way, I always buy a geranium on Mother’s Day, a tradition I carry on each year. I know daughters who continue to make a special recipe of sauerkraut with an old fashioned cabbage slicing tool to honour their father’s tradition; a husband whose wife had always corresponded with family members carried on the tradition of sending Christmas cards to all family and friends; a friend who carried a horrible tasting liqueur in his golf bag and drank a toast while golfing to carry on the tradition of his lifelong friend.
5. Calling on/remembering a loved one for inspiration
A client was struggling with low energy and fatigue after the death of her sister. We created a morning and evening ritual for her using a necklace that had been given to her by her sister. She used the necklace to summon her strength and courage—traits that she knew her deceased sibling would want her to carry on. She says it helps her feel her sister’s presence.
More of Jan Stanley’s suggestions for Good Life Rituals can be found at
www.goodliferituals.com.
Chapter 19
Nothing lasts forever
ULTIMATELY, BEREAVEMENT IS JUST another part of life, because nothing and no one lasts forever. To deny that is to deny being human.
I love British chat-show host Graham Norton’s thoughts on forever, written at the end of his most recent book, The Life and Loves of a He Devil. ‘Who came up with this concept that’s designed to torture and disappoint us? Nothing lasts for ever and that’s just the way things should be.’ He goes on to explain that, however much he loves Bailey (his current dog), he knows their time together is limited, as, like all living things, Bailey too will eventually die.
‘Of course if I was asked if I wanted Bailey to live for ever I would say yes, but in reality knowing that he will leave me makes my time with him more precious, the love bittersweet.’1
His advice to ‘enjoy the party because we know there will come a time when the music will be switched off and the lights switched on’ appeals to me. Actually, it does more than that: it hones in on a fundamental truth that guides my life, and, I’ve come to realise, has guided my grieving. ‘One of the great joys of life,’ he writes, ‘is knowing that things change. Relish the happy times; endure the sad. For ever is a pointless fantasy. Everything comes to an end.’
We have to accept that we will be faced with myriad losses during our lives. We know that rationally, but I now think that grasping this truism—accepting that death is universally part of life—actually helps us to live better as well as to grieve better. It has motivated me to pull myself out of the dark hole of my grief and return to the living, to be present and grateful for all that I have and can do. Not tomorrow but just for today.
Viewing death as inevitable puts us back in touch with our natural life cycle: we are born, we live, we may raise a family, achieve things, love, but we all eventually die. That is the human life course. Our time on this planet is short. Make it count.
Chapter 20
A final word
I HAVE ONE LAST THING to say on the matter of grief—and what losing Abi has taught us.
I suspect that our grieving experience has, in part, been made a great deal easier by the fact that we know Abi had a good life. Her twelve short years were packed full of living, she was profoundly loved and (this is the crucial bit) she knew it. Little Abi Hone knew that her parents loved her, her brothers loved her, her wider family loved her, friends loved her, and all her school teachers and community did too. In that respect she led a charmed life.
We often hear the bereaved long for ‘just one more minute’ or ‘just one more chance’ but one more minute holds little appeal for me. One more minute is no use at all: it is the decades of her life I long for.
I’ve pondered this over the past months and decided that, at the core of our ability to accept her loss and endure life without her, lies a lack of regret. We have no need of one more minute with Abi because we have nothing more to say. We said it all while she was here, straight to her face, while she was living. Through thought and word and deed—and texts, emails and voice messages, Instagram, Faceb
ook and Snapchat too. We watched movies, read books, baked cakes, collected shells, swam, sang, laughed and cried.
We didn’t say goodbye to her on that last day. The last time we saw her alive she jumped out of the car and ran off to the netball courts to watch Ella’s team play. But that doesn’t matter either, because we’d said goodbye so many times before (and hello, I love you and sleep tight). That single absence means nothing in a lifetime of presence.
Because she knew she was loved and we’d done so much with her, we have nothing to regret. Ultimately, that is the essence to living and dying: to do it all and say it all while those you care for are still here. That is my message for the living. So, even if, sadly, it is too late to tell these things to the person you are grieving today, there’s always someone else out there who needs to hear it. Say it, do it, no regrets.
We know we will never get over the loss of our little girl. Instead, life grows around her absence and we are learning to carry that pain. We were lucky to have her for the short years she lived.
We will always have you, dear Abi, wrapped up in our hearts.
We will never stop loving you.
Always and forever.
HE SLEEPS IN A STORM
At Abi’s funeral our good friend and chaplain, Jimmy Ullrich, shared the following parable with us. Actually, he said it was a true story, from Mitch Albom’s newest book, Have a Little Faith (Albom also wrote Tuesdays with Morrie, which I loved). Apparently, this story was first recounted in a sermon, back in 1975 by Albom’s Rabbi.
A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his employer. It reads simply, ‘He sleeps in a storm.’
The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.
Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.
Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of the bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.
So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.
He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.
He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.
And then he understands, ‘He sleeps in a storm.’
My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces tight. We will never wallow in the agony of ‘I could have, I should have.’ We can sleep in a storm.
And when it’s time, our good-byes will be complete.
M. Albom, Have a Little Faith, London: Hachette Digital, 2009, p. 93.
Notes
Chapter 1
1 This quote has most frequently been attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, but is more likely to be taken from a 1905 essay by Bessie A. Stanley.
2 A. Masten, ‘Ordinary magic’, American Psychologist, 2001, 56(3), p. 227.
3 V. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1959, p. 23.
4 Skylight, When You’re Grieving: Some helpful info and ideas to help you on the journey, Wellington, NZ: Skylight Trust, 2009.
5 E. Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying, New York, NY: Routledge, 1973.
6 Frankl, p. 66.
7 While I was introduced to this poem as ‘She Is Gone’, its official title is ‘Remember Me’. It was used by Queen Elizabeth II at the funeral for the Queen Mother and credited ‘anonymous’. For the full and fascinating story on its provenance and how the true author was discovered, see www.poeticexpressions.co.uk/poems/you%20can%20shed%20tears%20that%20she%20is%20gone.htm
Chapter 2
1 M. Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The psychology of optimal experience, New York, NY: Harper Collins, 1990, p. 29.
2 Csikszentmihalyi, p. 30.
3 S. Fox, Creating a New Normal . . . After the death of a child, Bloomington, NY: iUniverse Inc., 2010, p. 41.
4 Csikszentmihalyi, p. 33.
5 K. Reivich, personal communication, 7 July 2014.
6 K. Mossman, personal communication, 10 July 2014.
7 P. Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times, Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, 2005, pp. 10, 15.
8 Chödrön, p. 13.
9 W. Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner, 4th edn, New York, NY: Springer Publishing, 2009, p. 44.
10 B. Noel and P. Blair, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, coping and healing after the sudden death of a loved one, Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2008.
Chapter 3
1 R. Newman, ‘Resilience and psychology: A healthy relationship’, 2003, www.apa.org/monitor/julaug03/pp.aspx (accessed 14 January 2016).
2 S. Southwick, ‘The Science of Resilience’, www.huffingtonpost.com/stevenmsouthwick/traumaresilience_b_1881666.html (accessed 26 February 2016).
3 D. Charney, ‘Resilience: The science of mastering life’s greatest challenges’, online lecture for the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, recorded on 9 July 2013 (accessed 25 October 2015), see www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEWnTjgGVcw
4 K. Reivich, personal communication, 7 July 2014.
5 T. Attig, ‘Interview with Tom Attig’, www.griefsheart.com/tominterview.php (accessed 14 January 2016).
6 G.A. Bonanno, The Other Side of Sadness: What the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss, New York, NY: Basic Books, 2009, p. 76.
7 Bonanno, The Other Side of Sadness, p. 20.
8 G.A. Bonanno, ‘Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events?’, American Psychologist, 2004, 59(1), p. 21.
9 Bonanno, ‘Loss, trauma, and human resilience’, p. 21.
10 G.A. Bonanno and S. Kaltman, ‘The varieties of grief experience’, Clinical Psychology Review, 2001, 21, pp. 705–34.
11 Bonanno, ‘Loss, trauma, and human resilience’, p. 23.
12 A.D. Mancini, G.A. Bonanno and A.E. Clark, ‘Stepping off the hedonic treadmill: Latent class analyses of individual differences in response to major life events’, Journal of Individual Differences, 2011, 32(3), pp. 144–52.
13 D. Charney, ‘The Resilience Prescription’, www.mountsinai.org/static_files/MSMC/Files/Patient%20Care/Occupational%20Health/ResiliencePrescriptionPromotion082112.pdf (accessed 5 December 2015).
Chapter 4
1 T. Attig, How We Grieve: Relearning the world, rev. edn, New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2011, p. xxxv.
Chapter 5
1 G.A. Bonanno, The Other Side of Sadness: What the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss, New York, NY: Basic Books, 2009, p. 7.
2 S. Fox, Creating a New Normal . . . After the death of a child, Bloomington, NY: iUniverse Inc., 2010, p. 37.
3 W. Martin, Primates of Park Avenue: A memoir, New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 2015, p. 198.
4 M. Gurven and H. Kaplan, ‘Longevity among hunter-gatherers: A cross-cultural examination’, Population and Development Review, 2007, 33(2), pp. 321–65.
5 Martin, p. 205.
6 Martin, p. 205.
7 Bonanno, p. 47.
8 T. Attig, How We Grieve: Relearning the world, rev. edn, New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2011, p. xxvii.
9 Attig, p. xxx.
10 Attig, p. xxxi.
Chapter 6
1 E. Kübler-Ross and D. Kessler, On Grief & Grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss, New York, NY: Scribner, 2014, p. 76.
2 W. Martin, Primates of Park Avenue: A Memoir, New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 2015, p. 219.
3 The Dalai Lama, H.H., ‘Foreword’, in The Tibetan Book of the Dead, New York, NY: Bantam, 1994, p. xvii.
4 G.A. Bonanno, C. Wortman, D. Lehman et al., ‘Resilience to loss a
nd chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18 months postloss’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2002, 83(5), pp. 1150–64.
5 G.A. Bonanno, The Other Side of Sadness: What the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss, New York, NY: Basic Books, 2009, p. 128.
Chapter 7
1 A.D. Ong, C.S. Bergeman and S.M. Boker, ‘Resilience comes of age: Defining features in later adulthood’, Journal of Personality, 2009, 77(6), pp. 1777–804.
2 R.S. Lazarus, A.D. Kanner and S. Folkman, ‘A cognitive-phenomenological analysis’, in R. Plutchik and H. Kellerman (eds), Theories of Emotion, New York, NY: Academic Press, 1980, pp. 189–217.
3 B.L. Fredrickson, K.A. Coffey and J. Pek et al., ‘Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2008, 95(5), pp. 1045–62.
4 S. Lyubomirsky, L. King and E. Diener, ‘The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success?’ Psychological Bulletin, 2005, 131(6), pp. 803–55.
5 B.L. Fredrickson, Positivity: Groundbreaking research reveals how to embrace the hidden strength of positive emotions, overcome negativity, and thrive, New York, NY: Crown Publishers, 2009, pp. 99, 101.
6 B.L. Fredrickson, M.M. Tugade, C.E. Waugh and G.R. Larkin, ‘What good are positive emotions in crises?: A prospective study of resilience and emotions following the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003, 84(2), pp. 365–76.
7 Fredrickson, Positivity, p. 102.
8 G.A. Bonanno, S. Galea, A. Bucciarelli and D. Vlahov, ‘Psychological resilience after disaster: New York City in the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attack’, Psychological Science, 2006, 17(3), pp. 181–6.
9 A.D. Ong, C.S. Bergeman, T.L. Bisconti and K.A. Wallace, ‘Psychological resilience, positive emotions, and successful adaptation to stress in later life’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2006, 91(4), pp. 730–49.