by BL Mute
He pushed the big glass doors open and set me right on my feet when we cleared the threshold. Only having one heel on made me wobble, but I kept my balance. The look on his face told me he wanted to speak, wanted to ask me what the fuck I was doing, but he didn’t get the chance.
Peyton walked out next with a look of confusion and disgust on her face followed by my mom and Chance.
“What the fuck was that, Jupiter?” she exclaimed, ripping her cap from her head. It made me wonder where mine was.
I reached for my head and felt nothing but my hair, then looked around the ground, spinning in a small circle. “Hey! Where did my cap go?” I pouted.
“Jupiter?” My mom’s voice was raised, but she wasn’t yelling.
I looked at her and rolled my eyes before plopping onto the concrete steps.
Peyton walked down two steps so she was in front of me. “Look, Jupiter. If you want to self-destruct, fine. But I’m not going to sit around and watch it anymore. I can’t do it.”
I just stared at her with a smirk, then laughed. “Buh-bye.” I waved.
Another head shake. It seemed that was all anyone did at that point—shake their head at me. Peyton walked away without another word.
“Wow, J. Harsh,” Chance said.
I stood from the steps and walked in front of him, trying not to fall. “Harsh? Harsh is you—” I jabbed my finger into his chest. “—my so-called best friend basically abandoning me.”
Chance smiled tightly. “You wouldn’t have wanted me around anyway, Jupiter.” He threw up his hands. “I wasn’t about to try and fail because you want to push everyone away. I was giving you the damn space you acted like you wanted.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t because he was right, and I didn’t want to admit it. He let out a small chuckle, then walked away and disappeared into the parking lot.
I turned back to face my mom, but she was already making her way toward the steps. “What? Are you leaving too?” I laughed at her.
“I am” was all she said before she was gone.
It was only me and James left, and I felt awkward and almost ashamed of myself. His deep green eyes I loved so much didn’t show anything other than hurt. Whether it was for himself or me, I wasn’t sure, but nonetheless, it still cracked me a bit.
He pulled me into his arms without speaking and squeezed me tight. For a moment, I let myself get lost. I let myself feel again.
I snapped my body from his hold. “You can’t fix me, James.”
“Maybe I don’t want to.” He tried to step close to me again.
I stepped back and laughed. “Nobody wants something that’s broken.”
“Yeah? Well, sometimes when you love someone, it doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t love me, James,” I whispered. His love was too good for me, and I didn’t deserve it.
I didn’t deserve anyone’s love. The way my friends, Mom, and James treated me and loved me just reminded me of the way my dad loved me: honest and pure. I didn’t deserve that now though. I was a bitch and a drunk. I was an all-around horrible person, and even worse, I enjoyed it.
I never understood how addicts could be so dependent on something, but at that very moment, I did. The feeling of complete and satisfying bliss couldn’t compete with anything, not even love.
He dragged his hand down his face. “You can’t tell me how I feel, Jupiter.” His eyes bounced back to mine, and the precious emeralds I loved so much showed nothing but pain. I had hurt him now too.
I just wanted him to leave. I wanted to be alone. He was already scratching at the armor I had worked so hard to put in place, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to be miserable and horrible alone.
The doors opened behind me again, but I ignored them. I had already made an ass of myself, so I didn’t care who saw or heard James’s and my conversation.
“You’re right, I can’t.” I shrugged. “But I can tell you how I feel.” I paused for a beat before I said the words I knew I wouldn’t be able to take back. “I don’t love you, James.”
He tipped his head to the side. “You don’t mean that. And even if you did, I’m not giving up on you. I never will. I promise you that.”
“Actually, I do.” I turned to look behind me to see who had come out of the doors. There Mia stood in all her beautiful badass glory.
Before I could think, I walked over to her and planted the sloppiest kiss on her lips. I knew she wouldn’t object, and I knew it was exactly what would send James over the edge.
I pulled away from her and smiled.
“Wow.” She smiled with a chuckle. “I was just coming to make sure you were okay. I wasn’t expecting that.”
I gave her the fakest smile I could muster. “I’m great now that you’re here. And I’m finally ready,” I cooed.
“Ready for what?” she asked.
“To be treated right.” I shot daggers with my eyes at James as I said it.
Mia looked between the both of us. She was clearly confused. Just a couple of months ago, James and I were an item. She knew it, everyone knew it, and now I was kissing her while he stood to the side and just watched with no emotion.
Before she could ask the question, I blurted out, “We broke up. Right, James?” I smirked at him.
He chuckled with hurt-filled eyes. “Right. Make sure she gets home safe, will ya?” he told Mia.
“Um, yeah,” Mia said with confusion still painting her face.
James took a deep breath. “Great.” Then he walked away.
I watched every step he took, and with every footfall, my heart cracked a little more. James was the only boy I felt I truly loved. He was always there for me, and he never gave up on me, but I had pushed him to his breaking point. I pushed him so far that I was sure I would never see him again.
With my heart aching even more than before, I put my fake smile back on and turned to Mia. “Want to get out of here?”
“I would love to.” She smiled.
“Wow,” the woman lets out. The disappointment on her face is unmistakable.
“Yeah. I was a bitch.” I let out a deep breath.
She shakes her head and takes a deep breath of her own. “What happened next?”
“A lot happened next. Mia and I actually stayed together for two years.”
“Two years!”
I nod my head. “Yep. I regret leaving James how I did, but I didn’t know any better back then. I was young and dumb and hurting. I had never lost someone so important to me.”
“Everyone grieves differently,” she says. Her voice is genuinely sweet.
“I guess you’re right.”
She nods in agreement, then lights another cigarette before changing the subject. “So why did you and Mia split?”
I guzzle down the rest of my drink. “She died.”
The woman’s face morphs into nothing but pity and confusion. “What…” She stops and looks down like she’s trying to find the right words. “What happened?”
I give her a tight smile. “We’ll get there. But first, you have to understand something.”
She tips her head to the side. “Okay?”
“I don’t remember a lot of mine and Mia’s relationship. Drinking was only the first step of my spiral.”
I glance away, then back to the woman. I can’t bear to bring up what happened when I was nineteen, and I hope she won’t ask. The pain of giving up a child has no words. It’s a void you could never fill, an ache that never dulls.
Sometimes I wonder what she looks like or maybe how she acts, but some things are better left in the past. It’s the one secret I have kept to myself. Only Mia knew, and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone else, stranger or not.
I shake my head, pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind before continuing with what I was saying. “With Mia, it was always about the drugs and sex, about anything that would numb me.” I swallow hard. “I loved Mia, I did, but not the way she loved me.”
“What do yo
u mean?”
“Mia loved me like James loved me. She wanted to see me happy no matter what it took. And for me, I loved Mia for what she could do for me—what she gave me.”
I draw my eyes to the bar top away from the stranger’s face. I don’t want to see it when I say what comes next. I’m already so ashamed of myself. “I used her.”
When I don’t hear a reply from the stranger, I look up. She is studying me with her big blue orbs. “Okay.” She nods.
I let my mouth fall open to speak but close it. I shake my head. “Okay?”
She nods again. “Yes, okay. I understand.”
I give her a curt nod and continue…
After the day of graduation, Mia tucked me under her wing. She introduced me to Kip, her drug dealer, who provided us with Percocet and anything else we needed, got us our own place, and made me feel good in every way possible.
Two years… It had been two years since my dad’s death, but I felt I was doing okay. Between all the distraction Mia provided and all the drugs, life seemed great.
I bobbed my head to the music blaring from the speakers as I made my way through Kip’s small cabin looking for Mia. Kip always had parties on Friday nights, and they quickly became the highlight of my week.
I looked to my left and saw Kip dancing in a sea of people with a girl grinding her ass on his dick. He smiled at me, showing off his silver grill, and it made me shudder.
He knew Mia and I were together, but it never stopped him from flirting. I only ignored it and let it slide because without him, my life really did suck. He was the only person in the Podunk town of Harper Valley that could get ahold of the good shit.
I smiled back at him for the sake of keeping the supply to my habit. If flirting got me more pills, then I would do it and not think twice. I knew Mia didn’t care. She would always tell me he meant no harm and to play nice.
He stuck his tongue out at me, and I saw a small white paper square on it. It was acid. I had never done acid and didn’t plan to, but he was always begging me to try it with him.
I just shook my head and kept my smile in place. He shrugged, then turned to the girl who was grinding on him. She ran her hands through his short dark hair, then leaned into his chest and bit his neck. The small pink circle from her mouth on his skin made me hot. Of course, I didn’t like Kip. He was older and gave me the creeps, but I was at my sexual prime, so any little thing seemed to turn me on.
I turned away from him and continued into the kitchen. I saw Mia standing and talking to some guy. She had on denim shorts and a flowy white top. It made her tan skin and auburn hair pop.
I snuck up behind her, then wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck. Her short hair sat a couple of inches above her shoulders, but it was still long enough to tickle my nose. The man she was talking to gave me an odd look, then walked away.
I could feel her body tense, then relax before she turned in my arms.
“Hey, baby,” she murmured.
“Hey. I’ve been looking for you,” I replied, sliding my hands from her waist, up her body, then linking them around her neck.
“Oh yeah?” She smiled at me with lowered eyelids.
I nodded and pouted. “I thought you left me.”
She smiled wider. “I would never leave you.”
“Good. Because I would hate to have to hunt you down.”
She pulled her head away from me. “And what would you do when you found me?”
“This.” I kissed her lips softly. “And maybe this.” I trailed my lips to her neck. “And a little bit of this.” I moved even lower and kissed the top of her breasts.
She let her head fall back. A small moan escaped her before she pulled me toward her and gripped my ass. “Maybe I should run away,” she breathed next to my ear.
I pushed out my bottom lip. “Maybe you shouldn’t. I’m out.”
She chuckled. “You’re too damn cute when you do that.” She leaned forward and bit my pouted lip. “Come on. I’ll get you more.”
I let her lead me on the short walk to the island. She grabbed a red cup, filled it with the keg, then pulled a small clear baggy from her bra. She unrolled it and shook two blue pills into her hand, then dropped them into my drink.
The Percocet we usually got were yellow, not blue. I grabbed my cup quickly, trying to see the pills, but the beer had already swallowed them up. “That wasn’t perc.” I looked to Mia.
“I know, babe. He’s out, so I got the next best thing. Xanax isn’t as strong, but it’ll still give you a nice little buzz, and we still have the ‘emergency’ stash at home.”
I just shrugged. Mia always gave me good shit, so I never second-guessed her. She knew more about pills and what was legit and not than I did.
“Want to head home? It’s already past one in the morning,” Mia asked me as I sipped my drink.
I nodded at her and tipped my cup, making sure every last bit of the dissolved pills hit my tongue before we left.
The drive from Kip’s cabin to our apartment wasn’t long. We made sure of that before we even moved in. We wanted to stay close to our supply.
Mia got out of the car, and I followed. We walked up the stairs in the breezeway until we finally made it to the third floor. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, letting me walk in first.
Everything was quiet and dark except for the shine of the moon coming through the balcony doors and hitting the wooden floors.
I heard the door click behind me, and before I could reach a switch to turn on the lights, Mia was on me. She brushed my hair over my shoulder and kissed the tender skin my on neck.
Mia was always so in tune with my body. She knew exactly what I liked and what I needed. Sex with her was never boring. It was always the perfect mixture of passion and lust.
Her hands slid down my arms and grabbed the bottom of my shirt and lifted it. I raised my hands and let her pull it off completely. Her breath was hot on my neck, sending chills all over my body. With one hand, she unclasped my bra and pushed it down. My nipples became erect immediately once the cool air touched them.
Her hands were so soft and gentle in moments like this. She moved them from my arms and reached to the front of my waist and undid the single button on my shorts. I wiggled my hips and let them fall to the ground. Wetness was already pooling between my legs and making me anxious. I wanted her touch. I needed her touch.
“I love you,” she whispered, kissing the shell of my ear.
“I love you, Mia,” I replied on a rough exhale.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I turned in her hold and pressed my lips to hers.
She stripped her own clothes quickly, then laid me onto the cool wooden floor. She straddled my hips and loomed over me. Sex shone in her eyes and matched the seductive smirk on her face. I grabbed her waist and tugged her toward me, then ran my hands over the soft skin of her back. She kissed my neck and trailed down until she reached my lower belly.
She inhaled my scent. “You smell so fucking good.”
She bit at the insides of my thighs, then kissed the pain away. Her fingers hooked into the delicate fabric of my panties and pulled, so I lifted my ass so she could slide them completely off.
I arched my back, trying to tell her what I wanted with my body, and she listened. In one swift motion, her mouth was on my slit, lapping at all my wetness with her tongue. I cried out in ecstasy and pushed my hands into her hair. Her tongue continued to move and probe until my legs were shaking and my vision blurry.
She crawled back up my body and kissed my lips. I could smell and taste myself on her. Between the complete sexual bliss and nirvana from the pills and booze, I was in heaven.
I grabbed her face in between my hands and kissed her deeply, then rolled her onto her back and climbed on top of her. I kissed her cheek and bit her neck, then moved down her body. I sucked her soft folds into my mouth and smiled when her body shuddered.
We stayed tangled on the floor for hours, exploring
one another’s body like it was our first time over and over again.
Finally spent, we moved into the bedroom and collapsed into bed.
“Never leave me, baby,” Mia whispered into my ear and hugged me to her.
“Never,” I whispered back before all the pills, orgasms, and booze took complete hold of my consciousness and I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up to the smell of bacon. I crawled out of the bed and wrapped the top sheet around my body, then walked into the kitchen. Mia was standing in front of the stove, with nothing but an oversized T-shirt on, flipping bacon in a skillet.
She turned when she heard me approach. “Morning, baby.” She smiled.
“Morning.” I yawned, sitting on the barstool by the counter.
She moved from the stove and grabbed a mug from the dish strainer by the sink, then filled it with coffee and walked to me.
“Happy Birthday,” she said softly before kissing my forehead.
I had totally forgotten what day it was. I frowned at her because she knew I didn’t like to even acknowledge it. Not only was it my birthday, but it was also the two-year anniversary since my dad died.
“Are you going to see your mom today? She keeps asking about you,” Mia asked, trying to change the subject, but it was too late. The memories were already rolling through my head.
“I don’t know,” I replied, sipping the hot coffee.
My mom reached out to Mia after graduation and begged for her to keep in touch so she knew I was okay, and Mia being the sweet person she was agreed because she knew I wouldn’t. I hated that she talked to my mom, but it was better than having to do it myself.
“Do you work today?” I asked her, wanting to abandon the subject of my mom.
Mia had picked up a part-time job at a coffee shop around the corner not long after we moved. Her parents were loaded and paid for our place and anything we needed, but she never liked using their money for our pills and booze.