by Cat Porter
Today a fierce jumble of emotions had slapped me upside the heart valves one after the other.
What more?
The music blared louder, bottles popped opened, laughter hooted and bubbled over.
It all sounded good to me.
“Jake’s room is all the way at the end, you can’t hear much back there,” Alicia said.
We loaded more food into bowls and platters to bring outside.
“I’m not worried,” I said. “He had a big day, and he’s a heavy sleeper. He’s definitely out for the night.”
“Must be good to see Butler again huh?” Alicia’s eyes gleamed.
“It is,” I said. “Where’s Caitlyn though? Why isn’t she here? Those two were inseparable.”
Alicia froze. “Sweetie…”
“What? What is it?”
“Caitlyn was in a bike accident about three years ago.”
An icy shiver raced down the back of my neck. “What happened?”
“They were on their own in the middle of the Black Hills coming back from a day at the Reservoir. A car bumped into them. It was nothing major, but Caitlyn’s foot got pushed into the primary chain. Butler didn’t have a primary cover on his Panhead.”
“No!”
A primary chain rotated at 1500 rpm. Caitlyn’s foot might as well have been mashed into a high speed meat grinder.
“Yeah,” Alicia said. “Her foot was gone before the bike even went down. She bled to death before an ambulance could get to them. They weren’t even speeding. Just the two of them out for a nice afternoon ride. The idiot driver of that car took his eyes off the road for just a moment, but that’s all it takes, right?”
Outrageous, gorgeous, over the top Caitlyn… gone. My hands clamped onto the bowls of cheese puffs and the chili flavored corn chips.
“It was horrible. Butler was a fucking mess,” Alicia said. “He blamed himself for it. Even went nomad for a year. It changed him. He’s better now, but different.”
Butler had even left the club for a year and went out on his own? Guilt and pain are certainly powerful little demons.
“I think I get it.”
“I’m sure you do.” Alicia’s eyes settled on me, and she let out a sigh. “Come on, let’s get this stuff out there.”
I plonked the bowls of snack junk on the big table, and an arm wrapped around my middle and squeezed.
I held my breath. Butler let out a growl against my cheek. “It’s so good to see you again, so fucking good.”
I smiled at the emotion in his voice and the warmth of his large body against mine.
“I feel the same way,” I said, turning in his arms to face him. “Alicia just told me about Caitlyn.” My arms went around his waist. “I’m so sorry, Butler. So sorry. I…”
Butler’s lips stiffened into a firm line.
“You doing better?” I asked.
“Sure.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t sting the way it used to, but it’s like nothing’s stable any more, like the earth is tilted a different way now, and I just don’t get it. Then it passes, but it’s still there. I can feel it underneath everything.” He raised a pierced eyebrow at me. “Am I right?”
“Yes,” I said softly.
He squeezed my shoulder. “We both took off, huh?”
I met his steady gaze. “I couldn’t face this place or everybody without him here,” I said. “I kept wondering why the hell did I survive? Why did I get to live and Dig and the baby had to die? Maybe if I hadn’t insisted on going out for a ride that afternoon, maybe…”
“Ain’t no maybes, Sister. That’s a losing game we keep playing with ourselves, ‘cause it just don’t change the facts, does it?” His arm tightened around me. “When I came down to see you in the hospital, you didn’t recognize me. That killed me. I wanted to be there for you, but I didn’t know what to do. I freaked.”
“I don’t remember too much.” I said. “I remember voices, pieces of conversations, but I was too far gone.”
“Yeah, baby you were,” he said. “I just thank God Caitlyn had insisted on giving Ruby a break that night and stayed with you in your room. If she hadn’t been there—” He inhaled sharply through his nose.
I pressed my lips together and gave him a watery smile. He kissed my forehead and smoothed back my hair.
“I’m glad you made it through. Feels good to hear you laugh, see you smile.” Butler’s hand rubbed up and down my back. “Tears are over, beautiful.” His lips touched mine and his thumbs gently brushed over my cheekbones.
“That’s right.” I straightened up and pushed at his massive chest. “Go get me a beer, big man.”
“Coming right up.” Butler winked at me and headed for the bar.
“Ain’t life grand, Sister?” Boner came up behind me and slung an arm around my shoulders I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He released me and trailed after a blonde who strutted by us.
“Yo, sweetness, where you going?”
I let out a laugh, and then my breath caught in my throat.
Lock sat on the sofa with one of the girls who had come in with Butler. She had gorgeous long, silky raven hair, big brown eyes, dangling turquoise earrings, large breasts stuffed into an orange tube top. A mini skirt barely hid what was between her thighs, and cowboy boots were at the end of her long, toned legs. She slid onto his lap with a deep giggle and traced the edge of his eagle wing tattoo with a long wine-colored fingernail. A red rage flared inside me.
That’s my tat, bitch.
She plucked a cigarette from the pack in his shirt pocket. A slight grin broke over his face. He pulled out his lighter from his pocket and flicked it on. The girl leaned in and touched his wrist as he lit her cigarette. She draped her arm around his shoulder and took a drag. My jaw clenched. I always hated it when Dig would light another woman’s cigarette. There seemed to be an instant of sensual intimacy in that quiet exchange that always bit at me.
It bit me now. Hard.
Another one of Butler’s girls, a blonde with pink highlights, perched herself on the arm of the sofa on the other side of Lock and scored her fingers through his cropped hair and laughed at what they were saying.
I had no right to be jealous, but my body was having it’s own violent reaction to the Lock spectacle before me. He wasn’t mine. He was not my boyfriend, not my lover, not my man, not my anything. He had made that clear in the shed. We happened, it’s over. End of story.
Wasn’t that what I had wanted all along?
“Beer, my dear,” Butler tucked a beer into my hand. My fingers gripped the icy bottle. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to drink its contents or send it smashing across the room. Butler clanked his beer against mine and slung an arm over my shoulder.
“To living, Little Sister. Living large.” He took a long pull from his bottle.
I took a gulp of the cold brew. Butler pulled me in closer to his body and kissed the side of my face. I swallowed more beer.
To hell with it, I couldn’t help it. I had to see.
My gaze darted back to Lock. His black eyes glinted at me. Even halfway across the great room their dark heat seeped right through my veins as two very willing young women filled his hands. My pulse pounded in my ears. Why did he have such power over me?
Butler leaned in and whispered something in my ear; I don’t even know what he said. I couldn’t listen. I was listening to Lock’s eyes, translating his glares, and he extracted from mine.
I chewed on my lower lip. Why are you doing this?
Lock’s eyes narrowed. Why are his hands and mouth all over you all the fucking time?
My eyes remained bolted to Lock’s magnetic glower. The blonde leaned down, licked his ear, her breasts rubbed against his shoulder. Grinning, she whispered in his ear and stroked his chest.
Heat blasted my face. Is that the way you want it?
For a moment, Lock didn’t move a muscle. Then he grabbed the blonde’s arm and pulled her down into the sofa next to him. She barked out a laugh.
A brick settled in the pit of my stomach and crushed everything inside me. Lock had pushed me away and shut us down. Yet now he had the nerve to be ticked that I was hanging out with Butler?
This was Butler, not some skanky hook-up, but an old family friend. Lock had two club sluts panting over him, touching him everywhere I had caressed and kissed him, everywhere I still wanted to touch him. And pretty soon all this would lead somewhere as it usually did. The hallway, his bedroom. Maybe with both women. Isn’t he the popular one? Oh, what did it matter? He’s probably already fucked them before.
I gritted my teeth until my gums burned. He obviously wanted to make a statement this evening, and he was doing a grand job of it.
Why was this so damn hard? I’m usually so good at letting go and moving on. I need to have fun with my old friends who I know and love and who love me.
More people had shown up and the party had moved outside to the yard. The prospects grilled burgers and hot dogs. A keg had been tapped, and a bonfire burned, the flames and heat licking out at us. Alicia had somehow managed to whip up huge heaping bowls of macaroni salad. Suzi and I and a couple of the other female hanger-on’s stacked piles of paper plates and filled cups with rolled up napkins and plastic utensils. Several of the men had started a little boxing match for betting. Cheering and heckling filled the air.
I found Butler at the fight. My brow snapped together at the sight of a shirtless Lock fighting in the makeshift ring with one of Butler’s brothers.
“He’s good, I haven’t seen him fight in a while,” Butler said.
“Oh?”
Did I sound uninterested enough? I hoped so.
Lock’s bare upper body glistened with sweat. His long sinewy arms were taut and close to his body. He suddenly snapped one arm out, then the other, and punched his opposition repeatedly. His opponent howled, shuffled back. Lock’s leg shot out and cracked against the guy’s jaw. Blood gushed down the poor guy’s teeth and across his mouth. Lock’s eyes were those of a predator bearing down on his prey. He took a few hops back and waited for the other guy to come to his senses.
Butler hung his arm around my shoulders and took a drag off a joint. “Coulda been a contender, that one… to quote one of my favorite examples of American cinema.”
I laughed. He had always been obsessed with Marlon Brando. We’d been through his DVD collection many, many times with Dig and Caitlyn.
“Lock was that good?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah. When he first got out of the army, but he was never interested in taking it anywhere,” Butler said. “Wanted to stay put after he got out.”
Stay put?
I had once remarked to Lock how he wasn’t connected. How wrong I was. He certainly was connected to everything Wreck had given him: Meager, the club, the repair shop. He was connected to all these things and to his brothers. All of it was home to him and home was obviously vital to Lock. Unlike me. I had cut myself off from everything and everyone I knew, and once held dear.
I was the disconnected one, wasn’t I?
I leaned into Butler. “He’s made the shop a success, right?” I asked.
“Yes, he has. He’s organized and very determined. Hell, it’s good for the club to have a couple of honest businesses going,” Butler said.
I rolled my eyes. “Just a couple.” I bumped my hip against his. A grin split his handsome face.
“Just a few to deflect attention from the real moneymakers,” he said against my ear. He offered me his joint; I shook my head at it.
Lock knocked his opponent down again. Loud cheering and shouting broke through the night air. The fight was called. Lock offered his hand to his fallen opponent and helped him up on his feet. The black haired woman in the orange halter top handed Lock a towel to wipe up with and a bottle of water. He lifted his chin at her and grinned.
Butler and I turned to walk away, but Heather caught my eye by the end of the mats. She stared at the black haired woman and Lock who were laughing together. Heather’s cheeks were flushed, and she had a pinched expression on her face. I almost felt sorry for her. She muttered something under her breath as she watched them. Another girl pulled her away.
Lock, the conquering gladiator. I dug the heel of my boots into the asphalt.
Butler and I ate together with a group of his brothers and Dee, an Old Lady from his chapter whom I knew with her Old Man, Judge. I chewed my food with intent, but could barely taste the smoky hot dog or the creamy macaroni salad. When we were done, Dee and I cleaned up our table, then Dee came with me to check in on Jake who luckily was sleeping soundly. Dee and I danced to some old time rock and roll, then Butler grabbed me and we ended up at the makeshift bar to get some real booze. I was definitely ready for something stronger.
“What are you in the mood for tonight, babe?” Butler asked. His lips brushed my ear. He stood behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist.
“Hmm.” I grinned up at him. “Tequila.”
“You got it.” His one hand let go of me, and he motioned to Dawes behind the bar.
Just then a couple stormed past and bumped into us. I got knocked out of Butler’s loose embrace, but he immediately grabbed me and pulled me back into his arms. I grinned up at him. His one hand wrapped around my neck, and he kissed me. My insides seized.
“What’ll it be?” asked Dawes. I tore my mouth away from Butler’s.
“Two shots of tequila!” I said.
“Make it four, man!” Butler shouted.
Both his hands tilted my head closer to his, and we kissed again. His tongue swept through my mouth. It was gentle and warm, and he tasted faintly of sweet barbecue sauce and beer laced with acrid tobacco.
I punched his chest and let out a laugh. “I forgot you had that tongue piercing.”
His blue gaze intensified. “Now you finally get to try it out, beautiful,” he said.
I shot him a smirk, and he crushed his lips onto mine once more. The ball of his piercing rasped all over my tongue.
“Always had a thing for you, baby,” he whispered.
My fingers curled into his thick cotton shirt. To hold on? To push him away? What the hell was I doing? I didn’t have a clue. And at this very moment I really didn’t care.
“Always had a thing for you.”
I knew that.
The rub was I did too… once upon a time.
Before he had hooked up with Caitlyn, Butler used to pay me lots of attention. So much attention that Dig had caught on and didn’t like it much. Then one night things changed. I caught Butler watching me and Dig having sex in the woods where we had camped for the night on a weekend run to Mount Rushmore.
Butler had stood against a tree not far from us. A tourist he had picked up was on her knees giving him head, but he was watching me ride my Old Man. Our eyes had locked in the full moonlight. It was chilling and erotic, and I knew it was wrong, but I was unable to look away.
Dig whispered something hot and nasty in my ear just as he slammed his hips into mine, and I groaned loudly. Butler fucked the girl’s face hard while his gaze remained pinned on me. Dig suddenly bit the side of my breast and that sent me over. Butler’s head rolled back against the tree as he blew his load into the girl’s mouth. We came together long distance.
Guilt and shame had flooded my insides when Dig finished a moment later and pulled me down for a kiss. I sank my face into his neck. That’s as far as it ever got between me and Butler, and it was far enough. Before that night he had regularly tossed flirtatious barbs and suggestive looks my way that I took in stride. But after that night in the woods, I made it a point to steer clear of him.
Tonight, though, there were no reasons against us, none at all. And Butler felt good. His desire was palpable in wave after wave as his mouth possessed mine and his warm hands pressed into my flesh. It would be so easy to lose myself in it.
“Yo, Butler. Drinks!” Dawes shouted out.
“What’s with the ice?” Butler asked.
My eyes shot
to the bar top. Four small glasses of tequila were accompanied by an extra large plastic cup filled to the top with ice cubes and a slice of lemon.
“Hell if I know,” Dawes said. “Lock said you’d need it.”
My blood froze. My head snapped up, and like a heat-seeking tracking system, I hunted for Lock.
There he was.
His black eyes smoldered at me, his jaw set. He wore a denim shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders, the bunched muscles of his arms and chest under his still gleaming golden skin rippled in the harsh light from the big overheads. He inclined his head at me, and my eyes widened at him.
“What the fuck?” Butler let out a throaty laugh. “We don’t wanna cool down, we want to heat things up!” He snapped up a shot and drank. He handed me one, and I knocked it back. The liquor burned all the way down my throat.
His hand slid down to my ass and squeezed as he tossed back his second shot and handed me another. Junk came up to Butler and whispered something in his ear and Butler nodded. Butler’s hand dropped from my side. He took out his cell phone and showed Junk a map on his phone as they both rattled on about a schedule. My eyes darted back over to Lock.
The black-haired wench swayed to the music at his side. She handed him a shot glass then stood up on her tip toes and pressed against him. Her tongue swirled in a tight circle over the side of his neck. Lock looked up and met my gaze. He raised his glass in my direction and drank.
My head exploded.
What the hell was his problem? He got what he wanted, didn’t he? I downed my second shot of tequila.
“I need to go check on my nephew,” I whispered in Butler’s ear. He nodded and returned his attention to Junk.
I charged through the throng of people and darted into the clubhouse before I lost it. Imagine, I need to go inside to get a breath of fresh air? I hustled through the dimly lit main hallway and made the turn for the bedrooms. My head pounded. I stopped and pressed my hand into the wall to steady myself for a moment. The reverb from some heavy metal song marched up my arm. I took in a deep breath.