by Cat Porter
“Oh no, no…”
“Grace, please.”
I pleaded with God. I pleaded with the universe.
Alex cleared his throat. “Bring Jake to the hospital. Bring him now. He needs to see his mother. He needs…”
“Alex?”
“Come now, Grace.”
I touched the end call button on the screen of my phone and gripped the hard electronic rectangle tighter. I stared at it. It was no longer a phone, just a loathsome object. A brutal black shiny object of torture straight from hell.
“Sister, you okay? What is it?” Dawes asked. He swatted Bear on the arm and leaned over him. “Sister?”
My heavy eyes cut to his. “Got to pick up Jake and go back to the hospital.”
Is that my voice?
Bear snapped out of the Cherokee. “Get in, babe, come on.” He guided me into the backseat. He put my phone in my handbag and then darted towards Alicia who was chatting with Lenore in the doorway of the shop.
Dawes got out his phone and tapped on the screen. “Mary Lynn? Listen… get Jake ready, we got to bring him to the hospital to see his ma. Be there in five.”
“The cancer has taken a very aggressive turn. It’s metastasized through her lymph system and spread to the membrane around her heart. At this point her one lung is in danger of collapsing.”
Dr. Braden’s lips moved. His clear voice floated over me. Everything separated into pieces.
“It’s a very aggressive disease.”
The pieces broke.
“Mrs. Quillen? Do you understand?”
My mouth was ridiculously dry. I took in air through my nose. “And there’s nothing else we can do?”
“I’m sorry. We’re making her comfortable with painkillers. There’s a room available at our hospice, just a couple blocks away. She’ll be taken there within the hour, I believe.”
Hospice.
“Do we know how…”
“You should be with your sister now.”
Dig’s remains and Ruby’s rather aggressive turn. Remains and aggressive turns. The ingredients of my existence.
“Thank you, Doctor.” I stood rooted in the hospital hallway and stared after Dr. Braden in his crisp white coat and fancy white sneakers until he receded from my line of sight.
“Grace, go in and see her,” Alicia whispered. “We’ll be right here with Jake.” My gaze darted down to my nephew who was holding Wes’s hand. He pressed his head against Wes’s long arm, his round hazel eyes full of water, his lips sealed in a squiggly line.
“I’ve got to call Ray,” I said and fished in my bag for my phone. I found it.
Dawes plucked my phone from my fingers. “Who’s Ray?” he asked.
“Her father,” said Alicia.
“I’ll talk to Ray,” Dawes said. He jerked his chin at me.
Bear squeezed my arm. “Go on in to your sister. We got this covered. Want me to call Boner? He and Lock went to Deadwood today. Should be on their way home by now.”
I blinked up at Bear and nodded. My teeth jabbed at my lower lip. Ruby couldn’t be leaving us this fast. This wasn’t real. This was someone else’s life playing out in mine.
I opened the door to Ruby’s room and forced my heavy feet to move across the speckled beige floor. Alex looked up at me, and his hands raked through his hair. His strained eyes were dark against his pale skin.
“Talk to her. She’s in and out.”
I nodded and sucked in air.
The door clicked behind me.
“Ruby?”
Her one eyebrow jumped, and so did my heart. My hand smoothed over her forehead. “I love you, Ruby. Love you no matter what, so just suck it up, honey.”
The edges of Ruby’s lips curled up then fell.
“It’s me, Sleeping Beauty.”
Her eyes fluttered open slowly. “Grace.” Her dry lips formed the word.
I willed the tears to stay put behind my eyes.
“Ruby…”
Her cold fingers wrapped around mine. “You gotta promise me…”
“Anything—”
“My baby.” Her chest rose. “Have to help Alex take care of…”
“Yes, yes, of course, Rube!” I said. My knuckles swept over her cheek.
“Promise…” She struggled for air. “He needs you, you gotta make sure—”
“Shh. I promise, Ruby. I’m going to stay and help Alex raise him. I'll never leave Jakey. Never.”
“Be his mommy.”
“You’re his mommy.” My voice broke.
Her eyes widened for a moment, and she struggled to suck in air. I leaned over her to hear her better.
“You love him good and big and deep,” she rasped. “You love him the way we never had, the way we always swore we would.”
I crushed her hand in mine. “You bet I will.”
“Don’t let him be—” Her breath caught, her eyes closed for a moment, “—too crazy or wild like me.”
“Come on Rube, just a little bit. Can’t fight DNA.”
A grin swept her lips then faded. “He’s my little bit of gold, Grace… yours too.”
My chest caved in. “Yes he is,” I whispered.
Her hand reached up and curled into my shirt, her eyes strained.
“What is it, Ruby?”
Her eyes widened again. “Try…” She tugged me down close to her once more and wheezed. “No more ghosts, new dreams.” Ruby swallowed. “Get on with joy.”
“Simple as that?”
She only nodded at me. Her eyelids closed and her rough breathing somewhat evened out. My eyes darted up to the monitors. They continued their sonorous beeping and blipping. My head sank into Ruby’s bed.
“You’re my grandpa?”
Ray nodded at his grandson.
“You have my eyes,” Jake said. He wiped his tiny fingers across Ray’s brow. “Are you here to see Mommy?”
“Yes I am, Jake.” Ray’s palms were splayed on his jeans. “Can I give you a hug first?”
Jake nodded. Ray scooped him up and squeezed him in his arms. Jake nestled his head in my father’s neck, and his eyes widened up at me. I smiled at him, and Boner’s arms tightened around my middle.
“I’m glad you came, Grandpa. Mommy needs us,” Jake said.
“Yes, she does,” Ray said. “She certainly does.” He patted Jake on the back and set him down on the floor.
“Jakey, you want to stay with Lock and Boner while Grandpa and I go in to see Mommy?” I asked. “Daddy’s inside with her now, he’ll be out in a bit.”
Jake nodded absently. Lock held out his hand. Jake’s head swung up at him, and he put his tiny hand in Lock’s.
“Time for chocolate, what do you say?” asked Lock.
Boner released me and crouched in front of Jake. “I think we also need to try out those video games in the lounge, huh?” Boner asked.
Jake’s eyes lit up at the two tall leather-clad bikers covered in dust and dirt smiling down at him. Anyone else might have run for the hills. “Okay,” he said. The corners of his mouth tugged down, though.
Lock’s dark gaze held mine for a moment then he leaned down and swept Jake up in his arms and popped him on his back. Jake flung his arms around his neck, and Lock’s hands wrapped around the boy’s legs.
Boner clapped his hand on Jake’s back. “That’s some big horse you got there, little dude,” he murmured.
Jake smiled at me, and I blew him a kiss. Lock and Jake ambled down the carpeted hallway of the hospice with Boner in tow.
I pulled on my father’s arm. “Dad…”
His eyes were glassy, his brows pulled in tight. “Say it, girl.”
“You got to make this right.” My voice faltered and I took in a breath. Breathing. Something so simple, so natural. Something Ruby could no longer do. “You got to make it right between the two of you before she goes. Please.”
“You think I don’t know that? You think this hasn’t been weighing on me for years?”
“O
h, it has?” I asked. “Shocker!”
“Grace…”
I clamped my jaw shut and swallowed hard. “There’s no more time to be nice and step carefully on the millions of eggshells we’re standing on.”
“I know.” He nodded and let out a gust of air “Want you in there, too.”
I pushed open the door to Ruby’s room, and my heart broke. Alex was slumped on the bed asleep with his arms around Ruby’s waist.
“Alex, honey,” I whispered over my brother-in-law’s haggard face.
His eyes popped open one after the other. “W-What?”
“You fell asleep.”
“Oh shit.” His body jerked, he grabbed his wife’s hand. “Ruby?”
She blinked at him. Alex planted a kiss on her forehead and sat up.
“Hello, Ray. Just get in?” Alex asked.
Ray nodded. He kept his hands in the pockets of his plush hunting jacket.
“Lock and Boner took Jakey for a snack and video games in the lounge,” I said. Alex rubbed his hands over his face. “Okay. Think I’ll go find some coffee.” He took Ruby’s hand in his and kissed her finger tips. “Be right back, baby.” He squeezed my arm and shuffled out of the room.
Ruby smirked and let out a wheeze of air. “Father and daughter.”
“Rube…” I said.
Ray approached her bed. He cleared his throat. “I need to tell you, Ruby. I need to say it.”
Ruby’s tired eyes held his gaze.
“I know. I was a crap dad to both of you girls. I know that. At the time I couldn’t do any different. Wasn’t in me. It was selfish, and I’m sorry you two suffered for that.
Ruby nudged at her oxygen mask. “And Ma,” she said.
“And your mother, yes. Oh yes. Wasn’t right of us to take our problems out on you two. Just wasn’t right. You both paid the price for it.”
I sank down on the edge of Ruby’s bed and put my hand on the thick comforter over her shin.
“It’s way too late for excuses and explanations, I know that. After Jason died, nothing fit right for me no more. Not even you two smiling at me, tugging on my hand, not even your ma trying so hard to be a good wife. Nothing. I was all wrong. I was suffocating in that house, choking.”
“Montana has… fresher air?” Ruby wheezed.
Ray shook his head tightly. “Couldn’t go too far away. I want you to know that I always loved you. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you. I thought it’d be better for everyone if I left. That was very shortsighted of me.
Ruby turned her head, her lips parted slightly.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the dad you two needed me to be. I regret that.”
He leaned over Ruby, and his hand brushed across her cheek. “Forgive me, Ruby girl. Forgive a stupid old man. I want you to know it was all me that was wrong, not you. You were… you were wonderful.”
The air swirled from the room.
“Your Jake’s a beautiful boy,” Ray said softly. “You did good, Ruby.”
Ruby forced in air. “Got one thing right,” she said.
“Oh no. Whole lot of things, girl,” Ray said. “You took care of your momma and your little sister all on your own. You did good. Yes, you did.”
“You can’t be a part… of my boy’s life,” she said and struggled for more air. “If you’re going to be a… shit grandpa.”
I grinned and bit my bottom lip.
“Straight shooter, as ever,” Ray said. I’ll be here for that boy, Ruby. I’ll be right here.”
“And be good…” She fought for air, her gaze darted to me. “Be good to Grace.”
Always looking out for me, my big sister, no matter what. Even on her dying breath.
“I’ll be here for your little sister.” Ray’s voice had broken.
Ruby’s eyes drifted. Ray turned away from the bed and staggered towards the window where his hands reached out and gripped the frame. His body sagged, his shoulders shook.
“What’s the point, Grace?”
Ray’s thumbs flicked up from the steering wheel. “What for?” he asked.
I locked my seatbelt into place. “Just go.”
Ruby died a few minutes after four o’clock this morning. Alex and Ray were stretched out on pull-out armchairs. Jake and I were curled up together on the sofa. A slight cough followed by a choking sound woke me up. Alex’s muffled crying into her pillow and Ray’s silent tears as he looked blindly out the window transformed my rage and devastation into a sort of numbness. I looked down at Jake’s face swollen with sleep.
Yes, a very familiar numbness.
Ray and I had gone to the funeral home in Meager to make the arrangements first thing this morning. Although you couldn’t tell it was morning as the vast sky was thick with those grey popcorn clouds. On the way back to the club where I had my car, I told Ray to stop at our old house.
“Go!”
“Fine,” he said and switched his left blinker on.
We pulled up alongside the driveway of the scene of so many crimes. Ray inhaled a deep gust of air.
“Is it hard for you, Ray? Being here?”
He shoved the gear stick into park. His gaze remained straight ahead.
“Well, isn’t that too damn bad,” I said.
I jumped out of his car, slammed the door, and marched over the thick emerald lawn and stopped. The cracked driveway that in another era had once been filled with great gleaming Harleys and loud pickup trucks had been re-paved. A brand new silver Mazda minivan stood still over its black smoothness.
A banner decorated with colored leaves and acorns flapped in the gentle breeze from a pole by the cobalt blue front door. The windows had been reframed with matching blue shutters and replaced with brand new storm windows. My eyes fell on the window of my old room. It was the one Ruby used to climb in and out of in the wee hours because my room was further away from our parents’ bedroom. She’d tell me all about her adventures of the night, and I’d soak in every crazy detail. We’d both drift off to sleep on my bed.
Wheat colored curtains were drawn in the living room window. In that living room Dig and I often found refuge from the club for a spell of quiet time alone together before we bought our own small house. We would cook together, then eat in front of the television or listen to music and talk stretched out on the sofa. Those nights were rare, though, weren’t they? If I wasn’t at work, there was always somewhere he had to be, something he had to take care of.
I rubbed my hands over my face and peered at the side yard. The rusty swing set that Jason used to love was finally gone and had been replaced by a new wooden fort.
Today I had to see the house for myself. It was still here. Still standing. Like I was. Like Ray was. Standing, breathing. But the house had moved on. It had survived us and had been transformed. What did I expect? That it stood here as a monument to my experiences? No, it most certainly had not. Our old house now contained new lives and new hopes, dreams, and memories that belonged to another family, another generation. The Hastings clan had been wiped clean, exorcised. Today I saw that.
Today. A new day. A rotten, bitter day.
“Grace? Grace is that you?”
My head snapped to the side. “Karen?”
Karen still lived next door, and she still had that wide smile, those dimples and that dewy skin. She and her husband Bill had been newlyweds when they had moved in next door to us just before Jason died.
“Hey honey! Haven’t seen you in so long! Oh, my gosh!” She swept me up in a robust hug. “Ruby used to stop by for a cup of coffee here and there. She’s got herself a beautiful boy. Did you ever get married again, honey? You got kids now?”
My jaw tightened and I shook my head at Karen. I cleared my throat and gestured at my former home. “House looks good,” I said.
“It got sold last year to a nice young family. Two kids and a third on the way, would you believe? They really do a good job keeping it up, just painted it last month. They’re out here gardening all the time.”
Her eyes narrowed over me and she frowned.
“Grace?”
“How’s Bill?” I asked quickly.
“Bill’s good. Now we’re home alone,” she said. “The twins are both married and living in California. We want to take a road trip to see them. Thought I’d surprise Bill with a new car for his birthday next month to get us there. Something with pizzazz that’s also dependable on the road, but I’m not sure what exactly. He’s at that age now, when he wants a little sizzle in his life.” She rolled her eyes.
I glanced at Karen’s driveway. A Honda CR-V was parked there. “Does he still have the Nova?” I asked.
Karen let out a laugh. “Are you kidding? Of course he does! Wouldn’t part with that car for love or money.”
My mother had bumped into Bill’s precious Nova one night trying to park in front of our house after a drunken spree at Pete’s. She had overshot our driveway, jammed on the gas instead of the brakes, and rammed right into back of the Nova. Bill had been furious. Ruby had been hysterical with laughter for days.
I grinned at Karen.
“Honey, you okay?” she asked.
“I’ve got an idea for Bill’s birthday,” I said. “I know the repair guy at the One-Eyed Jack’s.”
“Oh, at the Club?” Karen’s eyes widened. “Bill’s been there for a tune-up.”
“Lock LeBeau runs the shop, his older brother Wreck Tallin used to have it.”
“Oh sure, I remember Wreck,” Karen said.
“Lock does custom paint jobs, original designs. You think Bill would like some personal flash on the Nova? Lock could give it some of that… sizzle.”
Karen grinned. “Sounds perfect, Grace.”
“I’ll give you his number.” I took out my cell phone. “He does good work. You insist on an appointment, Karen.”
“Okay. I’ll insist,” Karen said. She put a hand on my shoulder. “Honey, what is it? You don’t look so good.”
“Come say hello to Dad, Karen.”
Karen’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that Ray in the SUV?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be damned!” Karen said. She charged over to the Enclave. My father opened the door and hopped down.
Karen let out a laugh and clapped her hands together. “Ray Hastings, is that you?” Dad grinned tightly, and his hand reached out to shake Karen’s.