by Felix Brooks
He would always be second. No matter what he achieved, he would be in Emmett’s shadow. Even now, he was a weight pulling Emmett down. And if Emmett couldn’t see that, maybe Jake needed to decide for him. But could he do that? Did he love Emmett enough to let him go?
He set down the beer and got some ice water from the bar. Emmett followed. “You okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just a little warm in here.”
“You want to go home?”
Jake didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know what home meant anymore. His head was spinning, and he needed to get out of that place. “Yeah, I’d like to get back to campus, but I need some time alone.”
Emmett’s lips parted, the expression on his face falling. “You don’t want me to spend the night?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to…” He breathed to keep from losing it. “Things are moving really fast with us, Emmett. I love you, but I need some space to work out this noise in my head. Everything is changing. Mostly in a good way, but I’m losing some dreams along the way, too.”
Emmett took his hand. The warm touch fogged his brain, and he needed to think clearly, so he pulled the hand away.
“I’ve wanted to go to grad school at Berkeley since my freshman year in high school. Some of the work they’re doing in genetics isn’t being done anywhere else. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Wherever I go to grad school will set me on the path to the rest of my career. Not just the ten or fifteen years that you could spend playing pro ball. But forty years of disease research.”
Jake swallowed hard and continued, “I know that what you want to do is important. But what I want to do is important, too. We’re not just talking about a game that entertains people sixteen Sundays out of the year. We’re talking about medical advances that could affect human lives for generations to come. My career choices are not second best to yours. I may not be in the limelight like you are. I may not be able to earn the money you can. But my dreams are important, too.”
“Jake, I never said they weren’t.”
“No, you didn’t. I did. I’ve been acting like it’s my job to adapt to your needs. But if I don’t pay attention to my own, I’ll end up blaming you, and I don’t want that. You don’t deserve that, and neither do I. I deserve to live the life I choose, and not just pick up the scraps left over from yours.”
Emmett squeezed Jake’s hands, and Jake didn’t pull away this time. “If you want to go to Berkeley,” Emmett said, “then you should go to Berkeley. We’ll make it work. I love that you’re willing to give that up for me, but you’re right. You deserve to make the choices that are right for your life, and I need to adapt. If we’re not together during the football season, we’ll figure it out. If we love each other, and we’re committed to each other, we’ll find a way.”
Jake looked up at him, unsure how to respond. Emmett was just so damn reasonable. Maybe that was what attracted Jake in the first place. Maybe he didn’t have enough of that in his home life. Growing up, it was all drama, all the time. It was a while before he realized that other people’s parents weren’t like his, that other kids didn’t have to deal with their mother’s spiraling emotions or their father’s struggles to make good decisions.
So Jake wasn’t sure what to make of it when Emmett simply agreed with him—when there was no fight to win Emmett to his side. It was an enormous relief, but at the same time it was anticlimactic, and Jake always felt like there should be something more to say.
He looked up at Emmett. “Let’s not make any decisions about it here. I don’t know about you, but I’m a little woozy. Maybe we should get a cab.”
“Good idea.” Emmett pulled him close and kissed his temple. It was sweet and affectionate and not one hundred percent gay. Even here, Emmett was being cautious around these strangers. But it was okay. They both had decisions to make, separately and together. How those decisions would mesh, it was too soon to say.
***
At seven a.m. Monday morning, Jake stepped outside his dorm room to see Amber waiting at the stairwell. “Football butts!” he said.
“Football butts,” she replied.
They jogged to the track outside the athletic building where the football team was lining up for their morning run. Jake and Amber adjusted their pace so they fell in line behind them.
This had been their morning routine since they met freshman year. It kept them both in shape, and it was extremely recreational.
They had different taste in butts. Amber preferred them a little tighter, and Jake a little rounder. But they both had agreed early on that Emmett’s was magnificent. And since Jake had gotten to know it quite intimately, he was even more persuaded of that opinion. Although Amber had lately seemed more appreciative of Demonté’s endowments.
“So things are good with you and Demonté?” Jake asked.
“Weirdly so. I don’t even mind that he’s immature anymore. Because I’m not sure it’s immaturity so much as playfulness. The man doesn’t take anything seriously. There are some days I need that in my life.”
Jake thought about that a moment. “And Emmett is the opposite. He’s always serious. I mean, when we’re playing around he relaxes and lets his guard down. But other times—maybe because he’s under so much stress—he’s pretty rigid. And I’m not complaining, because he adds structure to my life in a good way. My homework doesn’t expand to fill all the available time plus half an hour like it used to. I have strict beginning and ending times so that I’ve got time for Emmett, and I’ve become very disciplined about getting my work done within that period of time. So that’s been good for me. But sometimes I wish things weren’t so hard for Emmett. Amber, if you could see how intense and focused he is day in and day out without ever letting up… Sometimes I think it’s unhealthy, you know?”
Puffing beside him, she said, “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. It was that focus that attracted me to him. And now I realize he’s the opposite of what I need. He and I are too much alike.”
Jake smiled. “I’m glad it worked out this way. I’d really have hated it if you were pining away for my boyfriend.”
She huffed a laugh. “I am not that pathetic. After Emmett made a choice, I’d have moved on with or without Demonté. Have you seen all this I’ve got going on? I don’t need to sit alone on a Saturday night if I don’t want to.”
“Yeah, you and Emmett are a lot alike.”
“Why, because we know our own value?”
Jake thought about that a moment, emotion welling in his throat. That was something he liked about Emmett and Amber both. They were sure enough in themselves that the world couldn’t tread them down.
“You still planning to go to grad school at Johns Hopkins?” he asked.
“Yeah, why? You thinking about joining me there?”
He shrugged. “Depends on where Emmett ends up. Still want to go to Berkeley, though. I mean, if you were in my position, and Demonté were on the brink of being drafted, would you go where he goes? Or would you stick to your plan?”
She didn’t answer right away. “That depends on a lot of things. I mean, if Demonté and I were totally committed, then I suppose it would make sense for me to go where he goes. But on the other hand, if we were totally committed, then our relationship would be able to stand our being apart.”
She sipped from her water bottle. “It would mainly be during the fall, right? Because in the spring, Emmett will have the time off and can come to you. And during the summer, you’ll have the time off and can go to him.”
“Something like that.”
“I don’t know. Maybe you should put yourself first while you’re young. You’ve got a lifetime to be in a committed relationship. Grad school is only a few years. Maybe that should come first.”
“I’m starting to think the same thing. But it makes me feel completely hopeless. It was easier when I thought the right thing was to go with Emmett. But now, seeing that I have a choice… If I go to Berkeley, and we end up
breaking up, I’ll always feel like it was my fault.”
“If you go to Berkeley, and you end up breaking up, then it wasn’t meant to be. If you and Emmett truly belong together, then you’ll be together no matter what. A strong relationship gets stronger when it’s tested. It only falls apart if it was weak to begin with.”
“You really believe that?”
“Lots of relationships have endured more rigorous challenges than a multimillion dollar football contract.”
He laughed. “Are you calling me on my privilege?”
“I believe I am.”
Jake noticed that Emmett and Demonté were starting to lag behind. He and Amber quickly caught up. “Now this will not work,” Amber said. “The whole point of these morning outings is so we can watch your butts while you run.”
“Maybe I want to watch your butt while you run,” Demonté said. “You ever think of that?”
“Won’t the coach be pissed,” Jake asked, “if you don’t keep up with the team?”
“Jake, let me explain something to you,” Emmett said. “I am the best football player this college has ever seen. And I’m not some goofball like Demonté here. The coach basically lets me do what I want. I mean, what is he going to do to me? Is he gonna bench me for Saturday’s game? If he does, and the team loses, he’ll be out a job. I’m totally serious about that. So as long as I don’t take advantage of the situation, he doesn’t give me any shit. He doesn’t mind if I lag behind to chat with my friends for a few minutes. He’s not a dick like that, and even if he were, he wouldn’t be a dick to me.”
“You’re right, Amber,” Jake said. “The man knows his worth.”
She laughed. “Wait until he’s making three million dollars a year. You won’t be able to live with him.”
“Three million!” Emmett said. “Woman, I’m worth double that, maybe triple.”
Demonté raised his brows. “We’ll see after your rookie season.”
Emmett and Demonté picked up their pace and caught up to the team. Amber and Jake just laughed. Emmett was an arrogant ass, but he was Jake’s arrogant ass. And a mighty fine ass it was.
Chapter 14
Emmett stepped out of the athletic building after practice, streetlamps lighting up the darkness. The parking lot was nearly empty, but he spotted a news crew about twenty feet from the door. He gave them a wide berth but no matter where he headed, they seemed to move in his direction. With tension in his stomach, he realized it was him they wanted to talk to.
Without looking at them, he kept right on walking across the asphalt toward the dining hall. “Emmett!” the blonde reporter called. “Mr. Cross!”
He kept ignoring them. The press was supposed to go through the college Public Information office. If they were accosting him like this, they must be there on the grounds of a private college without permission. He was in no mood for this bullshit. He was Emmett fucking Cross, and he wouldn’t give a reporter at some backwater station a moment of his time.
Despite her heels and the weight of the camera her male companion was carrying, they closed in on his sauntering gait. He was tempted to sprint away from them when she called, “What’s your reaction to the BallerGab story that you’re gay?”
That stopped him. He turned and said, “BallerGab spends more on lawyers than they do on reporters because they’re sued for libel so often,” then kept walking.
“Why are you evading the question, Mr. Cross?”
Anger rose inside him. “I didn’t evade any question. You asked me for my reaction, and I gave it to you.”
“Is the story true?”
“I haven’t read the story. This is the first I’ve heard of it.”
“But surely you know whether you’re gay.”
He halted, thinking how easy it would be to tackle the cameraman and knock his expensive equipment onto the pavement. “You can talk to my ex-girlfriend if you want to know exactly how not gay I am. We dated for four years.”
“So you’re denying that you were in a gay bar kissing a man?”
Emmett shook his head, collecting his thoughts. “You know BallerGab pays their sources, right? So someone sees me at a bar with a couple of gay friends, decides to make an easy hundred or two, and claims he saw me kiss a dude. What kind of a journalist relies on information like that?”
“Are you saying definitively that you’re not gay?”
Emmett gritted his teeth. “This entire conversation is shameful and homophobic. But yes, I’m saying definitively that I’m not gay.”
Because definitively, I’m bisexual, but I guess you’re too dumb to realize that.
He started walking again, and though she called a few more questions to him, she stopped following. He quickly crossed the grassy quad and entered the warmth of the dining hall. Only then, when he could relax a bit, did he realize how badly he had just screwed up.
***
Jake sat on the bed in his dorm room and watched the video clip again. It was all over Instagram, his boyfriend denying that they were more than friends. Not like Jake shouldn’t have expected this. Because what else did being in the closet mean?
For some reason, he’d thought that even if Emmett didn’t voluntarily come out, he wouldn’t actively lie about his orientation. Jake didn’t expect such an emphatic denial, even if it was technically truthful. Using his bisexuality to pass for straight? That sucked.
A knock came on the door. Emmett’s knock. Jake was too angry to deal with him right then, but he couldn’t exactly ignore the guy if he was just outside the room. They were going to have this out one way or another, so he might as well get it over with.
He opened the door and stepped back—didn’t say a word, just gave Emmett space enough to enter.
“Hey,” Emmett said softly, closing the door and reaching for him, but Jake pulled away.
Emmett scratched the top of his head. “I guess you heard?”
“Are you surprised? It’s all over the fucking Internet.”
Emmett raised his brows. “That was fast.”
“It’s the Internet.”
“Look, they came at me out of nowhere. I hadn’t heard anything about the BallerGab story. I should’ve just told them no comment, but when someone asks a question like that and you don’t answer, the non-answer is taken as confirmation.”
“Right. And heaven forbid that anyone should think your non-answer means you’re gay.”
“Jakey, I’m sorry. You deserve better, and what I did to you sucks. But we both agreed. I gave you a date when I’ll come out. I’m doing my best to honor you while at the same time looking out for my career. Please don’t be mad at me.”
Jake couldn’t deny the truth of Emmett’s words. But watching that video, seeing Emmett deny their love, hurt like hell. How was he supposed to just ignore that?
He told himself it wasn’t Emmett’s fault. They lived in a society that punished men for being gay, and Emmett was doing his best to navigate that injustice. Staying in the closet was a rational choice. And Emmett was a rational guy.
Hell, that was part of what attracted Jake to Emmett in the first place.
He sank his face into his hands and massaged his temples. The situation was impossible. There were no right answers. It astonished Jake that Emmett preferred to live a lie—and he was so comfortable with that lie, he could tell it with self-righteous outrage in his voice.
What did that say about the man? Jake trusted him implicitly, had never had reason to doubt his honesty. Jake understood Emmett’s character. Was it a lie to mislead people asking questions that were none of their business? When a truthful answer could destroy your future because of the irrational hatred of others?
Emmett was protecting himself. Jake knew that in his heart, knew that Emmett would never lie like that to people he loved. Shit, Emmett was the most honorable man Jake knew. Some sleazy tabloid video didn’t change that.
He looked up at Emmett, who was gazing at him with an open expression, pain evident in his ey
es. The narrow brow, the downturned mouth targeted Jake’s heart. He couldn’t stand to see Emmett sad. Because damn it, what that reporter did to him was shitty, and Emmett didn’t need Jake to be shitty to him, too. He needed Jake’s support, even if Jake was pissed. Even if Jake was going to be pissed for a while.
Jake pressed his hands to Emmett’s chest. “I’ll need time to forgive you,” he said in a soft voice, “but I love you. That hasn’t changed. And it’s not going to.”
Emmett leaned in for a kiss, and Jake met him partway. Their lips brushed together, and heat pulsed through Jake’s veins. Emmett pulled him close, a little whine escaping his throat. “Need you, Jakey.”
They undressed quickly, got out the lube and condoms. When Emmett entered him, it was pure bliss. Those gentle hands, those soft kisses, they spoke volumes about the content of Emmett’s heart. He was a good man, and a good boyfriend in all the ways that mattered most.
Jake came with a cry, and Emmett buried his face in the curve of Jake’s neck as he found his own climax. They lay together breathing in synchronous rhythm while they came down from the high. “Never leave me,” Emmett said.
“I won’t.”
“I don’t deserve you.” Emmett’s voice was so sad that something broke in Jake’s chest.
“Don’t say that. We’re a team. Neither of us is perfect. I’m not going to leave you because you make a mistake. Or because something goes wrong that’s outside your control. I love you unconditionally, Emmett. I hate that the world is this way. I hate that your situation is this way. But I accept it for what it is, and I accept your reasons. I’m not going to ask you to change for me. I fell in love with you for who you are, not for who I thought I could mold you into. You’re doing a hard thing, and you’re doing the best you can. There’s no right or wrong, so don’t beat yourself up for your choices.”
Emmett clutched Jake against him, kissing his cheek. Jake turned to meet his lips, and the slide of their tongues deepened the breathless longing pulsing through him. He loved this man, would always love him.