by J. L. Monro
I didn’t speak to Lana for weeks after that clash. She didn’t call me and I didn’t call her. I finally saw her again for sister’s night at Dana’s house and that didn’t exactly go smoothly. I tried my best not to say anything to Lana because I knew it was important to Dana to have her sisters together. I couldn’t contain myself when she started to gloat about how her intervention with Dana and Deacon had resulted in Dana’s happiness.
“Did it ever occur to you to keep your crazy out of our lives and keep it to yourself? Some of us don’t appreciate your antics, Lana. They just fuck everything up. Next time you get the idea to mess with someone’s love life, here’s a thought: don’t.” She stuck her tongue out at me, and I knew it was a waste of my breath to say anything else to her.
Jace had finally stopped calling, and I didn’t know what was worse: Jace chasing me, or not caring enough anymore to chase me. So I did what I do best, I threw myself into work. I took on as many new clients as I could so that I didn’t have time to think. I just had to hope that Jace didn’t want me to continue working on his project. I had filed all the ideas and drawings from Italy at the back of my filing cupboard.
I had a couch put in my office because I spent so many nights asleep at my desk. Coops had long given up on trying to make me go home at a reasonable hour. When I was at home, I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about was Jace and the way he’d made me feel.
IT WAS QUITE possible that I had taken on too much work, which meant that I was working flat out Christmas morning before I went over to my grandparents for dinner. I was just finishing when I sensed him. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see him because then I’d start feeling again.
“BonBon.” His voice made me ache. I had to look. I needed to drink in every inch of him.
“Don’t you have family to be with today, Mr. Bryce?” I needed to keep my cool. I needed to remember that I hadn’t meant anything to him. I was just a game. If anything, he probably felt like he was doing me a favor.
“Don’t Mr. Bryce me, BonBon. You know we’re more than that no matter how much you try to deny it. So just stop.”
“What do you want, Jace?”
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t really need to hear anything you have to say. If you’re concerned about the designs for the house, then don’t be. I can send over what work I’ve done and you can do whatever you want with it. If you are not happy with the plans, then I would advise you to find another architect.” I looked back down at my work and pretended to carry on with what I had been doing before he entered my office in the hopes he would understand that he had been dismissed.
“Just shut up.” I looked up at him in shock. “You’re going to listen to what I have to say because you didn’t give me a chance before, you know, when you tried to rob me of ever having children. You’re going to listen now because I have tried calling you and you have refused to take any of my calls or return my messages. And finally, BonBon, you’re going to listen because I have given you space, and I came to you today, when you should be celebrating like a normal person and not working.” He came and took the seat opposite my desk.
“I haven’t got time for this. I have to be at my grandparents for dinner shortly. I’m running late as it is.”
“Well, call them and let them know you are going to be even later because we are going to talk, BonBon.”
“I told you . . .”
“Call them!” I jumped at the tone of his voice. I took my phone out and called Tara. I told her that something had come up at work, so I was going to be late. I knew she didn’t believe me. This wasn’t the first time I had worked Christmas Day, and I had always managed to be on time for dinner before, but she let it slide.
“Grab your jacket. I’m taking you to see something.” I opened my mouth to argue, but his look suggested otherwise. So I did as I was told.
“Where are we going?” I locked up and followed him out of my office to his waiting bike. At least I had worn trousers today. Jace handed me a helmet and helped me onto the back of his bike before we took off.
“I’ve got someone I need you to meet.” That was all he said before he took off. God, I hoped it wasn’t Brielle.
After about thirty minutes, we pulled up to a nice detached house in a quiet rural area. My thighs were aching and not in a good way.
Jace helped me off the bike with his usual style and escorted me into the house.
“This is where I live with Dad.” Panic began to rise within. Why had he brought me to his house?
I didn’t have long to worry before a glass flew past my face and smashed against the wall. Jace quickly pulled me behind him.
“Is that you, you little shit?” I wasn’t entirely sure where the voice came from, but I assumed it was Jace’s dad. I thought he was in a wheelchair. He’d had a stroke; how the hell was he able to throw the glass so well?
He wheeled himself out in the hallway. He was such a frail looking man. His hair was beyond salt and pepper and I really was amazed that he’d been able to find the strength to wheel himself out. He looked like he could pass out at any moment. I could smell the alcohol on him even at this distance and something else. I think I smelled urine.
He looked me up and down with disgust when I registered on his radar. “You’ve brought another one of your prostitutes, I see. What happened to that blond stick insect that kept sniffing around here, poking her nose in where it doesn’t belong? This one’s better looking; I’ll give you that, but get her the hell out of my house.” He wheeled himself back around. “And come and clean me. You left me without telling me and I’ve pissed my pants.” I heard some glass clicking and assumed that he was probably pouring himself a drink.
Jace’s body was stiff, and I wanted to reach out but I thought he might not appreciate my touch. He turned to face me and I instinctively took a step back. When his face softened slightly, I felt slightly less on edge. He led me inside to the opposite lounge.
“Wait here. I just need to go and sort . . .”
“It’s okay. Go and do what you need to.” I got half a smile, if that, before he turned and left, headed back to his dad.
I didn’t sit down. Curiosity was burning me from the inside out. There were pictures all around the room and I wanted to know who was in them. Who was important to Jace?
The room was sparsely furnished with no decoration on the walls. Now that I took a closer look, it seemed as though the room was hardly used and the pictures had been placed in here without much thought. They were in no particular arrangement. As I got closer, I could guess the reason why. They were mainly pictures of who I assumed was Jace’s mother. Jace was the spitting image of his mother. It was the eyes. They both had rich chocolate tones that sucked you in and filled you with so much warmth you couldn’t look away.
“I should really put those away.” I nearly screamed with fright. I hadn’t heard him come into the room.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to snoop.” What I really meant was I didn’t mean to get caught snooping. “You shouldn’t put them away. It’s nice that her pictures are out so you don’t forget her. Almost like she’s still a part of the family. We have loads of pictures of my parents around my grandparents’ house and I have a picture of them at my home and my office. Their memory deserves that much.”
“I guess you’re right, I suppose.” He was moving in closer and my heart rate picked up in response. “I wanted to bring you here to meet my dad, Mara. I had hoped he would be in a better mood but that’s what happens when I leave him alone. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Why did he want me to meet his dad anyway? “You can’t control other people, so don’t blame yourself.”
“This is my life, Mara. This is me.” He took my hand and held my gaze. There was no possible way for me to look away. “You said you couldn’t understand my need to merge my home life with the track. This is why. I need to be able to escape without going too far away from him.” H
e gestured to the other room where his Dad was probably sleeping off the alcohol.
“I don’t have long on the track professionally. Maybe another year, two at most and then I need to grow up, settle down. I want to have the family that I used to have when my mum was alive.” He entwined our fingers and pulled me closer. “I want that with you, Mara. You don’t stand for my shit. You see through my bravado. You’re everything a man could want and dream of. You’re in my dreams day and night. I don’t see anyone else. I don’t think of anyone else. I think to myself that maybe you were made just for me.”
Ok, I hadn’t expected that to come out of his mouth. What do I even say to that? He’d just said everything I probably ever wanted to hear from him. It was honest and from the heart so that I couldn’t mistake how he felt, but something didn’t feel right. I was afraid of stepping into a relationship with him if this was what he wanted. I just couldn’t put my finger on why.
“Jace, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know that was how you felt.” His eyes fell, and I saw the sadness creep in. “Jace, I’m not saying you’re not what I want.” I cupped his cheek in my palm, feeling the coarse stubble I loved on his face. He nuzzled my hand and kissed each finger. “I just need time, Jace. Things haven’t really been smooth between us.”
“I don’t need time. I just need you. What can I say to make you understand that?” He was pleading with me and my heart was breaking for him but even that couldn’t change the unsettled feeling in my stomach.
“You may not need time Jace, but I do.” I brought his face down to mine and grazed my lips against his. I felt his hand creep slowly up along my spine to grasp my neck by the nape and hold me firmly in place. He came back in for a kiss that was deeper, fuller, more. I couldn’t break away and there wasn’t an ounce of me that wanted to. I fisted his T-shirt with both hands and held him just as close to me.
“At least tell me that you’ll think about this. That you’ll think about us. I need to know that there’s a chance, BonBon. You drive me fucking insane. I’ve gone past the point of just wanting you. I need you.”
“Jace, I . . .” I didn’t get a chance to finish what I wanted to say to him. We were both interrupted by the sound of a crash from the other room followed by the doorbell ringing.
“I need to go and see to my dad. Can you get the door for me?” I nodded as he placed a kiss on my forehead, before walking off in the other direction.
I smoothed down my clothes and ran my fingers through my hair in a poor attempt at making myself look and feel less flustered than I did. I had hardly turned the lock to open the door when it flew open and a distraught Brielle ran into me.
Clearly, she had thought it would have been Jace opening the door, so she looked startled to see me standing in the hallway.
“What are you doing here? Where’s Jace?”
I really didn’t have time for this girl today. “He’s sorting something out. Why don’t you wait in the lounge for him to finish.” I gestured to the room that Jace and I had just come out of. Brielle puffed her chest out and walked past me as if she owned the place.
“So are you and Jace spending Christmas together?” I wanted to laugh at how ridiculous she was being, but she genuinely looked distraught at the prospect.
“No.”
“Are you guys together?”
This was getting tedious. “No.”
“So what’s your game, Mara? You clearly don’t want him. Why can’t you stand aside and let us be together?”
“Brielle, I’m not sure how many times we’re going to have this conversation, but I will tell you that this is the last time we discuss this. Jace and I are not together. We are not an item.” I chose this point to get right in her face to emphasize my point. “However, if I decide to fuck Jace every which way from Sunday then that is my damn choice. I do not need to explain my sexual habits to you. I do not need to explain my relationship status to you. I do not need to clear any fucking thing with you. Just stop irritating me. If Jace wanted you, he’d have you. Maybe you need to think about that.”
Brielle stood there gaping at me. I took her silence as an opportunity to call a taxi and get out of there as soon as I could. She didn’t say another word to me and eventually Jace came back into the room. He was surprised to see Brielle there, which reassured me a little because in the back of my mind, I was wondering whether he’d invited her over. I needed time to think, and I was glad when Jace didn’t pressure me into stay when I told him I was going.
“I need to get to my grandparents’ house. They’ll be wondering where I am. I’m never late for dinner.”
“I get it; you’ve not done the relationship thing before. Neither have I and it scares me a little. But please, Mara, believe me when I say that I’ll be a good choice for you.”
“Jace, I’ll think about it.”
While it wasn’t raining or snowing outside, the winds were icy. The taxi had said he was outside when clearly he wasn’t, and now I was freezing my ass off even in my jacket, trying to rub my arms to keep warm. Jace pulled me into him and tucked me under his arm. I think I could literally get drunk off his scent. The way he breathed in and out so slowly was soothing. I imagined falling asleep on his chest every night and never getting tired of it. He turned me to face him so I couldn’t look anywhere but into his eyes; I couldn’t catch my breath when I saw the carnal intent in them.
I could feel his erection up against my stomach and I was having a hard time resisting the urge to rub up against it like a cat in season.
“I figure if you spend more time with me then I might be able to convince you to be with me. I want you to come away with me again. I’m doing a charity race in France. No work this time. I just want to do the race and then spend some time with you. The two us. Alone. No distractions. No interruptions. We could even just stay in our room the whole time and just order room service.” He wiggled his brows in suggestion and I rolled my eyes in mock disgust.
It was at that point that the taxi chose to pull up. As I pulled away from him, I spotted Brielle watching us through the window. She wasn’t even trying to be inconspicuous.
“I’ll think about it. In the meantime, what are you going to do about her?” I gestured toward the window, but he didn’t bother to turn around.
“I don’t know why she’s here. Like I said, she’s a friend, nothing more.”
“Hmmmm.”
Jace started to grin. “Are you jealous, BonBon?”
“Of what?”
“You’ve got no competition there at all. I’m all yours. You’ve just gotta realize that.” I started to get into the taxi after he opened the door for me. “Since I now know you want to fuck me every which way from Sunday.”
My head snapped up with embarrassment. I didn’t think he’d heard what I’d said to Brielle.
“Just so you know, BonBon, you shout really loudly when you get pissed. Good job my dad was already asleep.” With that, he gave me a peck on my nose and shut the taxi door. He gave the car a pat on the roof to let the driver know that he could go. I spent the whole journey back to my car in a state of mortification and confusion. I still didn’t know what was holding me back from Jace but I knew it wasn’t just my aversion to commitment.
I KEPT GOING over and over the things that Jace had said to me. I wanted to be with him, but I was afraid. I felt the fear right in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was tired of fighting.
By the time I got to my grandparents’ house, I had even less festive spirit than usual. I didn’t want to eat, drink, or even be around family. I played with the food on my plate as I thought about Jace and the potential of an us. I hadn’t realized everyone else had finished and were leaving the table until Granddad asked me if I was done because he was clearing the table.
Every year my grandmother, sisters, and I usually cooked and my granddad cleared away and washed up. Every year, I offered to help and every year, my granddad told me to go and sit down with the rest of my sisters in front of
TV. I didn’t sit with them this time. I sat away from them all. In the room, but not really with them and that’s how I felt. I was surrounded by people but intrinsically alone. My grandmother and my sisters had tried engaging me in conversation but with no luck. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
It wasn’t long before they abruptly turned off the TV and I heard, “Mara Annabelle Daniels.” Nothing worse, even at this age, than being called by your full name, by your grandmother. “I know you girls occasionally think that I don’t see what you are up to, but let me just inform you that I see everything. Lana, I am aware that you have set your sister up. While I don’t know the details of what you have done. You. Will. Fix. It! Mara, you just remember who you are.” Then she pointed to all of us. “All of you remember who you are and where you come from. We are strong women. There isn’t a man out there who can bring us down and keep us there. You all must stay true to yourselves and never forget that. As sisters, you need to look after each other and support each other.”
My sisters were all looking at me now and their concern was grinding me down. I felt myself snap, and the tears were falling before I even realized that I was crying. When I felt my sisters’ arms move around me, I completely shattered, and suddenly I understood what had been bothering me about Jace and what was causing some of the other baggage that I had been carrying around with me.
Lana came up in front of me and moved my hands away so she could wipe away my tears. “I’m sorry, Mara. I thought I was helping. I’ll fix this. My heart was in the right place, I swear. I love you and I love you all, too. You know that right?”
“I know, Lana. You’re just a fucking fruit loop sometimes, but this time I don’t even know what to do with the mess you got me in.” I wiped the tears from my face as I noticed my grandmother had slipped out from the room to give us space.
Tara and Lana took a seat either side of me, and Dana perched on the arm of the chair. Lana turned to swing her legs onto my lap like she used to when we were younger and used to watch movies together.