by Lucy Gordon
She tried to hold back on her climax, wanting to prolong everything until the final moment, but at last she yielded to it and felt again the joy and profound fulfilment she’d known before.
When he rolled onto his back she propped herself up and, watching him, wondering why he was grinning.
‘What is it?’ she asked, giving him a gentle poke.
‘I was remembering some thoughts I had recently, about heading for middle age. I even planned to buy a pipe and slippers.’
She gave a crack of laughter and buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sound.
‘Middle-aged,’ she gasped. ‘There’s nothing middle-aged about you, signore.’
‘I’m glad you think so, signora.’ He added wickedly, ‘Of course it’s different for you, so many years older than me-’
‘Ah, yes,’ she said with a melancholy sigh. ‘That’s going to be a big problem soon, isn’t it? I should have remembered.’
‘Hey, don’t be like that,’ he said, instantly concerned. ‘I was only joking.’
‘I know,’ she said sadly, ‘but it’s just that-oh, well, I’ll get used to it.’
‘But I didn’t mean it that way,’ he said desperately. ‘Laura, please don’t be hurt-’
She raised her head to look at him, her face brimful of laughter. ‘I’m not,’ she chuckled. ‘Ever been had?’
‘Why you-!’ He pulled her into his arms, laughing. ‘You wait,’ he threatened. ‘I’ll get my own back.’
‘Is that a promise?’
‘That’s a promise?’
‘Now?’
‘Think I can’t?’
‘Well, you’ve done all right so far-for a middle-aged man. But three times in one night is a bit much to-’
Her words were cut off by his mouth on hers. Gino had never been a man to duck a challenge and he threw himself into this one with all his heart and all his considerable strength. Their two previous encounters had only taken the edge off his desire, not satisfied it completely.
This mating was vigorous, unsubtle and joyful, leaving them both gasping and drained, clasping each other until the last moment, unwilling to let it go. But when it had finally slipped away, Gino fell asleep at once, and Laura found herself mysteriously alone again.
It shouldn’t have happened after their closeness, she thought with a little ache. For a while they had been as united as any two people ever were on earth. And yet, as she watched his sleeping face, she saw that he was still, in many essential respects, a stranger.
She had never really known him, except for the glimpse of the truth she’d had in the hospital, when he’d held her hands and poured out his heart to another woman. Tonight one part of him had reached out to her, but she knew the essential part was as far away as ever.
They had lived in the same house for months, shared jokes, confided troubles-or at least, she had confided hers. But in all that time she’d known only what he wanted her to know. Tonight the mask had slipped, or he’d chosen to discard it, and she’d met a man who was moody, unpredictable and dangerously sexy. She could hardly believe that she’d ever thought of him as a brother.
She leaned over and kissed him so gently that he didn’t wake. Snuggling down to sleep, she reflected that this was only the beginning. He wouldn’t always turn away from her. Now that they had started to find each other there was much more to hope for.
On the surface nothing had changed. To the world they presented the appearance of a sedate married couple, working hard at their jobs and their stolid, virtuous family life.
But behind their closed door life had changed completely, being neither sedate nor stolid. And if they were virtuous, it was only in the sense that, as a married couple, their fevered couplings were, as Gino hilariously put it, sanctioned by law.
There was almost as much humour as sensuality in their lovemaking. Laura would cherish for ever the moment when the two single beds slid apart, causing Gino to fall off her and down the gap. He had climbed out, cursing horribly, and resumed his occupation almost without a pause.
After that they bought a double bed.
Nikki was still their priority. Gino was the father Laura had hoped he would be, and if she had any doubt that he made the child happy those doubts were set to rest one evening in an unexpected way.
It was a Saturday, they had the house to themselves, and Nikki was allowed to stay up an extra hour. They were watching television, channel hopping, when suddenly Laura heard a voice she had thought she would never hear again.
‘Of course the people have changed, but the audiences-’
It was like listening to a ghost to hear Jack Gray’s voice again. Since the day he’d left her they’d talked only twice, on the telephone. The divorce had been conducted through letters and lawyers.
Now there he was on the screen, still handsome in a lardy way, a few years older and more bloated. His teeth were too large, white and even, as though he’d had them ‘done’.
It was too late to switch channels. Nikki, sitting on the floor, had already seen him and was watching the screen intently. When the commentator gave his name Gino looked at Nikki, then at Laura, who nodded in despair.
Since the night Nikki had passionately insisted that her father was dead, there had been no more mention of him. She seemed to have forgotten all about it, and Laura hadn’t dared to raise the subject, fearing to upset her again.
But the programme made it clear that he was alive now. Laura snatched up the television guide and discovered that this was a programme about theatrical agents, especially those who were becoming well known.
Now they were talking about Jack’s new wife and toddler. He was sitting there with a little girl on his knees, a perfect, beautiful child.
Laura held her breath as Nikki watched the pictures flashing across the screen, underlying the full scope of her father’s betrayal. It was almost eerie the way Nikki didn’t react.
But then she did react, so subtly that it would have been easy to miss. It was the slightest movement, shifting across the floor in Gino’s direction, so that she was leaning against him. He reached down, she clasped his hand in hers, and they sat like that for a moment, until Nikki looked up.
‘Can I have some toast before I go to bed?’
‘Want me to make it for you?’
‘Yes, please, Daddy.’
That was all it took, and all it needed.
Laura would have been happy now if only she could have felt free to tell Gino that she loved him. At night they lay in each other’s arms, exchanging warmth and pleasure. By day he treated her with affection.
But he never told her that he loved her.
She reasoned with herself that his behaviour implied love, but she knew better. He was a warm-hearted man whose sweet temper and sensual gifts would have won over any woman. He gave her what he could of himself, and if he could not give more, she knew the reason.
She tried not to brood, knowing how quickly that could destroy her and everything she’d won. But at night she listened jealously to hear if he talked in his sleep, and which name he spoke. He never did utter the name she feared, but neither did he utter hers.
He would never really be hers, she thought wistfully, not in the way that she had become his. She must try to be content with what she had.
One evening he went out, saying that he was taking a walk, although it was raining heavily. He was gone for many hours, returning, very wet, when Laura had already gone to bed, past one in the morning.
‘I’m sorry if I disturbed you,’ he told her, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his hair.
She didn’t tell him that she’d been lying anxiously awake. She didn’t want him to feel spied on.
‘Shall I get you a hot drink?’ she asked pleasantly.
‘No, thanks. I never catch cold. Laura, I want you to leave the pub. You do too much.’
‘But the money’s so useful.’
‘There’s another way to get money, enough for you to stop bei
ng a barmaid, and hire people to help with this place.’
‘That sounds expensive. Where can we get enough to do that?’
‘I’m going to sell my half of Belluna.’
She sat up. ‘Your farm in Tuscany?’
‘Half mine. Rinaldo owns the other half and I think he’ll be glad to buy my share from me. It’ll make all the difference to us.’
‘Do you think you’ll get very much for it?’
He told her how much Belluna was worth.
‘How much?’ she gasped. ‘But I never dreamed-I always thought you were as poor as a church mouse.’
‘So I am, until I sell up.’
‘But can he raise that kind of money? Don’t farmers have it all ploughed into the earth?’
‘True, but Alex can raise it. She had a London apartment that she must have sold by now. If they buy me out that’ll put a line under everything, and I need not go back there ever again.’
‘Is that what you want Gino-to be cut off from your home for ever?’
He hesitated for the briefest moment before saying, ‘This is my home now.’
‘That’s a nice thing to say, but I don’t think it’s completely true. Tuscany is where you were born and raised, your language, your culture, everything. Part of you is always going to belong there.’
He sighed and didn’t deny it. ‘Just the same,’ he said, ‘it’s best if I don’t go back.’
She knew she should stop here. She could feel him withdrawing from her as she grew dangerously close to his secret self. But she couldn’t make herself stop.
‘Why?’ she persisted. ‘What is it back there that you can’t face?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘It matters to me. Oh, Gino, you’ll never know how much it matters. Tell me.’
‘I can’t,’ he said sharply. ‘I don’t know the answer myself.’
‘I think you do.’
Gino looked at her, and for the first time his face was completely closed against her.
‘I’d rather we left this,’ he said in a hard voice that contained a warning.
‘But I can’t leave it. It’s too important.’
When he didn’t speak she persisted, ‘Why Gino? Why can’t you go back? What are you afraid of?’
CHAPTER TEN
‘WHATare you afraid of?’
The words seemed to glitter in the air, like knives, flashing between them.
Laura regretted them the moment they were out, but it was too late. Gino rose and threw her a look of bitter reproach.
‘Why do you do this?’ he asked. ‘Why do you threaten what we have with meaningless fears?’
‘How can they be meaningless when you’re afraid too?’
‘Laura, for both our sakes, be quiet. There are things it is better not to say. I have made my life here with you and Nikki. It’s a good life. I’m happier than I ever thought I’d be again.’
‘Yes, happier. That’s not the same as happy.’
‘I can’t make these fine distinctions.’
‘But you know what I mean.’
‘Yes, I do, and I beg you to say no more.’
‘And if I stay quiet, will that change anything? Will the truth you fear go away?’
‘There are some questions I don’t want to ask, not because I’m afraid of the answers, but because there may not be any answers. I want to protect what we have. For pity’s sake, don’t make it hard for me to do that.’
Suddenly her eyes were filled with tears. ‘I don’t know what we have,’ she said huskily. ‘But if we quarrel, we won’t have it any more. Can’t you see that?’
She waited, tense and hopeful for his reply. But none came. After looking at her for a long moment he turned and walked out and she heard him going downstairs.
Why couldn’t I be sensible? she raged inwardly. Why can’t I leave it there as he wants? We’ve been granted so much more than I hoped for. Why don’t I treasure that without demanding even more?
Because a love on those terms is no love at all, her heart answered. It’s a patchwork love, a make over and mend, artificially constructed from second-hand bits and pieces. And it’s not enough.
Gino didn’t come back to bed all that night. It was the first time since their marriage that they hadn’t slept in the same room.
Next day he greeted her with a kiss and a smile, but he didn’t say any more about selling the farm. Laura would have given anything to understand his thoughts. Perhaps she should be glad that he planned to turn his back on Italy and throw in his lot permanently with her in England.
If only she could convince herself that it was that simple!
One day he said to her, ‘Have you given in your notice at The Running Sheep?’
‘No, you never mentioned it again. I wondered if you’d thought better of it.’
‘I haven’t changed my mind. I want you to tell them that you’re leaving. I’ve written to Rinaldo saying that I want to sell. He should get the letter about now, and he’ll probably telephone.’
After that whenever the phone rang Laura jumped, but the days passed with no call. Gino never spoke of it, or what might be going on inside him, but Laura could sense a rising tension in him, that filled her with foreboding.
When the answer did come it was not a phone call but a letter.
It fell onto the mat in the morning, when Gino was out at work, and she was alone in the house. Laura picked it up, trying to control the sudden racing of her pulse as she saw the Italian stamp.
She couldn’t tell whether the writing belonged to a man or a woman. Had Alex herself written to him?
Laura put the letter on the mantelpiece and tried to forget it. But that was impossible, and she kept returning for another look.
Gino telephoned in the afternoon, as he sometimes did, asking whether there was anything she wanted him to bring from the supermarket near the factory.
‘There’s a letter from Italy,’ she said.
She would have given anything to see his face during the long silence that followed. At last he said, ‘Fine, I’ll see you soon.’
She gave him the letter as soon as he returned home, and watched him grow pale as he read it.
‘What is it?’ she asked in alarm. ‘Does he refuse?’
‘It’s not from Rinaldo,’ Gino said slowly. ‘It’s from Alex.’
‘What does she say?’ Laura asked, trying to speak normally.
‘She says Rinaldo can’t afford to buy me out, but she can, with the money from the sale of her London apartment. She’d buy it in her own name. But first of all she wants to meet us and talk about it.’
‘Us?’
‘She wants me to take you, and Nikki, to Tuscany. She says it’s time we met as a family. She’s mad at me for not bringing you before, or inviting them to our wedding. I suppose she’s right.’
‘Gino, have you only just told them that you’re married?’ she asked, astounded.
He nodded.
‘You quarrelled with them as badly as that?’
‘It wasn’t a quarrel-not exactly. It was just that we couldn’t be close any more. I needed the distance.’
‘Do you still need it?’
‘I think it’s time to do as she suggests,’ he said, not answering directly. ‘The sooner we go the better.’
‘All of us?’
‘All of us, including Nikki. Do you both have passports?’
‘Yes, but-’
‘But what?’
For some reason Laura took fright. ‘But I can’t come. Who’ll run this place?’
‘I think our friends will find a way to get by for a while,’ Gino said.
He was right. The five tenants rose up in outrage at the notion that they would be helpless without her, and Laura found herself with no way to back out.
Nikki was over the moon at the thought of going to Italy, and soon had the journey by heart.
‘We take the plane to Pisa Airport,’ she recited, ‘because that’s the nearest airport to
Florence, and then we get the train-’
‘I think someone will meet us,’ Gino said, smiling at her. ‘I’ve still got to check final arrangements.’
He called Italy that evening, and Laura heard him say, ‘E, Rinaldo.’
‘Daddy’s talking to his brother,’ Nikki told her in a stage whisper.
‘I know that, and stop earwigging,’ Laura said firmly. ‘It’s none of our business.’
‘Doesn’t matter anyway, they’re talking Tuscan dialect.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Daddy taught me some Tuscan words. Only I don’t know enough to follow what he’s saying,’ Nikki sighed regretfully.
‘So I should hope. Behave yourself!’
‘Oh, Mummy, isn’t it exciting? Daddy’s told me so much about Italy.’
Gino came off the phone.
‘I’ve booked the plane tickets,’ he said. ‘We fly the day after tomorrow. Someone will meet us and drive us to the farm.’
‘Someone?’
‘I don’t know who it will be,’ he said quickly. ‘It’s harvest time, so nothing’s certain.’ Turning his attention to Nikki, he said, ‘So get packing. Capisci?’ Understand?
‘Capisco!’ Nikki saluted and raced off.
The child’s excitement got them through the time, filling in the gaps that yawned because they didn’t know what to say to each other.
The whole house was in cheerful uproar. Everyone seemed to be personally delighted at the trip. Sadie went out of her way to arrange Gino’s time off at work.
‘The job’s there if he wants it again,’ she said, adding, ‘although I don’t suppose he will.’
‘I suppose when he’s sold his share of the farm he won’t need to work as a packer,’ Laura reflected.
‘That’s not exactly what I-oh, well, have a good trip.’
When Sadie had gone Nikki said melodramatically, ‘They’re hoping we don’t come back.’
‘Darling, whatever do you mean?’
‘I heard them talking. They’ve got it all planned. If you stay in Italy they want to club together and buy this place, because they like living here.’