by Nancy Hopper
“You must be Mr. Majors.” she said crisply. “I’m nurse McConnell.”
“I see.” he said, though he didn’t. “Does Caitlin require that much care?”
She shook her head. “Very little, actually. I do look in on her from time to time, but she’s up and about most of the time, now."
David nodded affably, and headed up the stairs. As eager as he was to see Cait, he was worried by the nurse’s presence. His mother’s door was ajar, so he stopped there, first.
He was concerned to find her in bed. He went in, and called to her softly. She turned to look at him, and his heart fell, clear to his toes. She was gaunt, and yellow. Pinched, and in obvious pain. “Mum!” he exclaimed. He went to her side, and took her hand.
“Darling, at last you’re here.” she said softly. “I’m so glad. Yet sorry you had to find me like this.”
“What is it?” he asked worriedly.
She looked at him with eyes full of pain. “It was so sudden, darling. We just found out, really, what it was. I didn’t want to bother you until I knew for sure. Now, I do, so I suppose there’s no use trying to hide it. I have a very … short time left, David.” she said slowly.
David shook his head and furrowed his brows. “I don’t understand. Short time for what?”
“Short time left here.” she advised as gently as she could. “It is a very fast growing cancer.”
David stared at her in shock. He sat down in a chair, and shook his head slowly. “No.” he denied. “It can’t be.”
“I’m afraid it is my darling. I had hoped to see my first grandchild come, but unfortunately, it’s not to be. Caitlin’s a good girl, darling. I’m so glad that you have her, now. Take care of one another, dear. And always know that I love you, very much.”
David stood up as the nurse came in and put a hand on her wrist. “She needs some rest now, Mr. Majors.” she ordered crisply.fs
David turned and left the room, his head and heart reeling. No baby, soon no mother? Caitlin with a broken back? How in heaven’s name had everything gone so wrong? All at once, it seemed his world was come undone, and he was helpless to put it back together again. Worst of all -- he'd been completely excluded and left in the dark. Not there to help or share the pain. Not there to have any input on decisions that affected his mother's very life!
He went to his room, and found Caitlin just coming out of the loo. She looked pinched and pale. The pain was deeply etched in her face. Still, she lifted her head and tears filled her eyes when she saw David.
“David!” she gasped joyfully. He gathered her in his arms gently, and held her close, feeling tears stream from her eyes to soak his shirt, to mingle with tears of his own. “Oh, I’ve missed you so much!”
He nodded, too choked up to say a thing. He just held her. She felt like a skeleton again, in his arms. Worse, perhaps, than ever before.
“I’m so sorry. So sorry.” She mumbled.
“For what?” he asked gruffly. “Being here when I came home?”
“For … everything.” She explained helplessly. “I feel so much like I’ve let you down.”
He scoffed. “As if you meant to get hurt.” He agreed facetiously.
“I know. I’d just … give anything to change it all.” She tried to explain.
“Caitlin, you must accept what’s happened to you, darling, and go on. It’s the only way you can recover from this.”
She nodded. “And Grace.”
David felt as if his heart might turn to stone. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked evenly.
“You couldn’t have changed anything, David. Your tour …”
“Damn that tour to bloody hell!” he snapped. He turned and walked away from her. “Do you think I could care less about that tour, with you here like this and my mother dying?” he seethed. “Every day with her at this point is more important than anything else in my life! And now she’s so weak I can hardly sit by her for more than five minutes before I'm shooed out by some … nurse!”
“Oh. God.” Caitlin sobbed. “David. I’m sorry. She didn’t want you to know. Didn’t want you to come home, to have to see her like this.”
“Does anybody in this world ever consider what I want?” he stormed. “She wants, you want. Damn it! You intentionally kept it from me, that the baby was in danger, and you intentionally kept it from me that mother was ill. Have I no rights at all, Caitlin? Am I a witless child, to be sheltered and kept in the dark at all cost?”
“David, every concert you played, you touched the hearts of people who desperately needed what you had to give them. And it was your dream to do this tour! It was such a great opportunity, it was a major turning point in your career.”
“What crap.” He growled. “I have always, always made more damn money than we’ll ever need. Stop hiding behind that excuse!”
The words went through Caitlin like a knife. She felt stunned by his attitude, his bitterness.
“It is what she said, David. What she wanted. Not me. Although I agreed, it made sense at the time. It seemed best, at least until the testing came back, and we knew what was wrong. I tried to do what was right. She was so upset at the thought of you coming home. She simply forbid it. We only found out a couple days ago, and I couldn't reach you, then.”
He shook his head and stared out the windows, not seeing anything that his eyes were skimming over. He was so angry, suddenly. He felt robbed and deceived.
“I’m so sorry.“ she said quietly.
He nodded. And left the room.
David left the house, and he didn’t return for the remainder of the day. Caitlin did not see him at dinner, or all the evening. She sat with Grace, and read to her a bit after dinner. Grace didn’t seem to recall that David had come home, for which Caitlin was grateful. She was too upset and fearful to talk about it, just yet.
She knew that David was deeply upset with her, and her heart and stomach flopped every time she thought of him. She hadn’t realized how he might feel, and now wondered if he would forgive her. She had no idea what to do, except sit and wait. She’d never felt so helpless.
She heard him come in, late that night. He went up to his room, and though she heard him moving about, he never came to the door to see if she was awake. Cait found tears streaming down her face. It was a long time before she slept.
Caitlin awoke at noon the following day. She slowly took a bath and saw to her grooming. She made her way down the stairs about one o’clock that afternoon, wearing a filmy floral dress that David had always favored. She found him sitting at the piano, just staring out at the dismal weather. She walked over and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Hi.” She said timidly.
He seemed to stiffen. He didn’t answer, finally just nodded and made a semblance of a smile.
“Have you been with Grace this morning?” she asked hopefully.
“Yes.” He answered tiredly. “I got my five minutes.”
“How is she?”
He finally looked at Caitlin. His eyes looked hard; cold, and barren. “She thought I was my father.” He said evenly.
Caitlin blanched.
“I went along. It seemed to make her happy.” He said with bitterness.
Caitlin’s lips trembled, but she tried to stop them. She could only imagine how difficult the whole thing must be for him.
“I’m so sorry.”
He stood up, and moved away from her. “Please stop saying that.” He ground out coldly.
“I don’t know what else to say.”
“Then please say nothing at all.” He suggested shortly.
A knife of fear sliced into her heart. “Dear God, David.” She gasped in a whisper.
He gave her a scathing look. Ran a hand impatiently through his hair. “I am trying.” He said slowly. “But I’m losing her, and she’s all I’ve had, for a long, long time.”
Caitlin opened her mouth in shock, but nothing would come out. She realized immediately that it was probably just as well. She shu
t her lips tightly, and left him alone.
She had never felt so alone. She’d always thought she’d have David, but his final remark had been terribly revealing. Grace was everything to him; she was not.
Caitlin tried to give David time, but her heart was breaking daily. He was so distant, so angry. She was no comfort to him, no partner in his life at this point.
He seemed to blame her, though he didn’t say so, for robbing him of precious time with his mother. She supposed she could understand it, she just didn’t know what to do. She didn’t think she could go on living this way, so close to him, and yet without anything they’d once had together.
He answered her questions, was barely civil. Just the expected niceties. It was killing her! She was nothing to him, anymore. Nothing at all! She had killed his love for her by leaving him in the dark.
She stopped going down to dinner, because he was never there. They took to just snacking, when they needed something to eat. The house was continually silent and unhappy.
Will called for David often, but he seldom took the calls. He didn’t seem to care about his career, anymore. He had no demands on his time for several weeks.
Then, he had to go do some concerts in London, Liverpool and Leeds. He left without saying goodbye to Caitlin. He came back without saying hello. She thought that he would crack, that he would eventually come to her, forgive her. Understand that she had been honoring Grace’s wishes, feeling that’s what was most important at the time. As weeks passed, she grew more alarmed. When she couldn’t stand it anymore, she decided to discuss it with him. She had nothing to lose.
She found him at the piano, playing half-heartedly. He did much more brooding than playing. She missed his music terribly. She missed him.
“David? Can we please talk?” she asked, entering the room quietly.
“Sure. What’s on your mind?” he asked absently.
“I miss you, David. I want to talk about what’s wrong.”
He looked at her blankly. “I really don’t have much to say on that subject.” He said immediately.
“Well, I do, and I’d appreciate it if you’d listen.” She countered.
He stared out the window.
“David. I didn’t tell you Grace was ill, because she didn’t want me to. It seemed important to honor her wishes at the time, and it was what the doctor felt best, also. She would become so upset when we would discuss it, David. She has always made it her position to stay out of the way of your career.”
“We didn’t know she would turn so quickly. We never dreamed that your time with her would be so short, or … dissatisfying.”
He laughed shortly. “Now there is a word for it. Dis … satisfying.” He echoed pleasantly. Yet, his voice and eyes had that flat, blank emptiness.
His sarcasm stung her heart deeply. Caitlin was suddenly afraid of anything he had to say. He was so bitter! He hated her and he was not going to forgive her. It was suddenly so clear to her. “Oh, David.” She moaned, her heart wrenching.
He gave her a narrowed look that crushed the breath from her body. “Don’t you dare pity me.” He said coldly.
“I’m not! I just … can’t we go through this together? Can’t you forgive me for doing what she wanted?” she begged incredulously.
He looked beyond her. “I really don’t know at this point. I’m just trying to deal with it.” He answered honestly. “I only feel … robbed and betrayed. If that should change, I’ll let you know.” He said pleasantly. The blank, lifeless look in his eyes as he finally stared at her, drained the last shred of hope from her heart. It was over. He was never going to come back to her.
Caitlin didn’t bother David anymore, or Grace either for that matter. She left them alone, and stayed in her room. She didn’t want to spoil any more of his time with his mother. And he obviously didn’t want her company. He didn’t ever seek her out.
Things went on that way until she thought she’d lose her mind. Cookie was upset, she could obviously see how things were, but there was nothing to be done. David had retreated behind a cold facade of politeness that hurt more than any words could have. At least, that is what Caitlin imagined.
That final illusion was shattered one afternoon when the phone rang. Caitlin walked over and picked it up in her room, only to realize that David had just answered it in his office.
“David, it’s Linda. Guess what, they want us to do another tour! A tour of the heartland of America. Philadelphia, Chicago, St. Louis…”
“No, thanks.” David said coldly.
Caitlin gasped in surprise.
“David, come on.” Linda chastised with a chuckle. “We were fabulous together and you know it. A second tour would be even better.”
David sighed. “I am not interested in another tour right now.” He explained.
”Wow.” Linda said lightly. Something in the teasing lilt of her voice made Caitlin’s heart lurch. There was a familiarity in the woman’s voice that didn’t belong there. She knew she should put the phone down, but she couldn’t seem to move. She felt frozen with horror.
“I think I can keep my hands to myself, this time.” Linda challenged with a giggle.
“It has nothing to do with that. My mother is very ill.” He answered in a monotone.
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Well, Mortimer is going to be calling you to discuss it, I just thought I’d call ahead, and let you know.”
“That was kind of you. Thank you for calling.” David said evenly.
Linda smiled through the phone. “You are very welcome, David.” She said in a voice that made Caitlin’s blood run cold.
David had hung up the phone. Caitlin just stood there, numb. She felt as though all the life had been drained from her. Again.
David and Linda! She knew it in her heart! Something had definitely happened between them on the American tour. David had been unfaithful to her? While she was pregnant with his baby. While he was still hers! Finally, she numbly hung up the phone.
She had thought that she had no more capacity to feel. That she was through the worst of it. She’d been wrong. So wrong! She sat on the bed like a zombie, as the pain took hold in her heart.
It was like losing him again, on a whole new level. A whole new dimension of loss and pain. It was pure betrayal. Though Caitlin knew what it was to be lonely and unloved, and had nearly resigned herself to living alone in this mausoleum of a house, such betrayal was a new experience.
It worked its way down into her heart with cold, biting fingers of nausea and pain. It found the pit of her stomach and curled it, twisted it mercilessly. Left her feeling like she had a hard, bitter rock in the pit of her, that she couldn’t dislodge. It wouldn’t let her breathe, wouldn’t let her heart beat. It gripped her with an intensity that she couldn’t escape.
She’d thought that even if David never came back to her emotionally, at least she’d have the memories of their love to treasure, to recall when she looked at him. This would give her patience to deal with the cold, unavailable David that she was now faced with.
But, this new revelation robbed her of everything – of the illusion she’d once had, that she was special to David. That he’d really cared. It shattered the foundations of her very life. For David, available to her or not, had been her life. But she, like David, had been deceived.
Slowly, David began to come to grips with all that had happened. He totally understood that Grace had made Caitlin do what she’d done, but it didn’t lessen the sense of loss and betrayal he felt. It had been such a shock! He and his mother were so close! And there had been too much disappointment, too soon, after so much happiness. He’d been left so utterly empty and stunned.
He'd come home for rest and solace and healing; only to find that his dear mother was slipping away and his minimal access to her was severely curtailed and clinically monitored by a stiff-necked nurse. When he was with her she rarely even knew him.
And Cait had gone along with it! She'd done nothing to clue him in; not
hing to give him time with his Mum before she'd gone into the abyss of pain and mindless drug-induced stupor.
One afternoon he sat in his office, looking out the window, just doing nothing. Sitting. He mindlessly opened a drawer and took out his pistol. He just looked at it, feeling detached. He ran a finger along the barrel. It would be so easy, the thought came to him. End all this pain. Immediately, forever. Done with it all. “What does it matter now?” A voice mocked him. “Who gives a damn anyway? You're nothing. You're alone. You're worthless and a waste. Nobody cares about you!” it accused. “They didn't tell you because you're no damn good anyway. What exactly is it you think you'd have done if you'd known? Come home and save the day? This is reality; you have no control. You have nothing! End it! End your worthless life! If anybody gives a shit by some chance it will serve them right for what they've done!”
David sighed. He was so tired and discouraged; so hopeless. He felt as empty and worthless as the accusiong voice said he was It felt absolutely right.
David was suddenly roused by the flicker of a tiny flame in his heart. “No.” he said forcefully. Those were not his thoughts.
“You have no right!” he told himself angrily. “You don't have the right to make that decision and no one should have to tell you that! You live because God breathed life into you; and you will live until He says it is time to move on. It doesn't matter how much pain and loss there are; you don't make that decision -- ever!”
fsHe put the gun away and pushed away from the desk. He dropped his head in his hands. God, what was happening to him?
He looked around him, realizing that he’d been doing things by rote for a long time. Not even thinking, not wanting to feel. The heavy sadness in his heart was slowly killing him.
It took a great act of will to reach for his Bible. But he did it. He felt the leather of the cover. He just sat looking at it for a long time. He was afraid to open the book. His hands on the cover shook; they were too heavy to move or act
“There is nothing in there you don’t know. You've read it all! fsThere is nothing that is going to help you!” A voice in his head chided.