The poor door got slammed again.
Miss Thomas said, “You know, Herman, half the time I don’t know if I should laugh at you or just feel sorry for you.”
What Herman E. Calloway said reminded me of what they used to tell us when they’d take us kids from the Home to the YMCA to go swimming.
Before we’d start swimming the white lifeguard made us sit on the edge of the pool with just our feet in the water. He’d say, “We’ve had problems with you children urinating in the pool in the past, we’ve begged you and pleaded with you to stop but you don’t seem to get the message. This has forced the Y to spend a great deal of money to put a special new kind of magic chemical in the water.
“This chemical reacts to turn water contaminated with urine a bright red. Therefore, if you urinate in the pool a bright red cloud will surround you and we will be able to tell who has relieved themselves. The chemical also causes severe burns to the skin of the urinater.
“So if a red cloud appears around any of you people you will be arrested by the Flint police, you will go to the hospital to fix your burns, you will go to jail and then your name will go on the list that says you can’t swim in any pool in any building anywhere in the world.
“If a red cloud appears around any of you people you will from that moment on be swimming nowhere but in the Flint River.”
Shucks, nothing makes you want to pee in a pool more than someone who thinks you’re stupid telling you not to do it, and nothing makes you want to steal something more than having somebody who doesn’t even know you’re honest telling you not to steal.
Herman E. Calloway didn’t have to worry, I was a liar, not a thief. The only thing I’d ever stole was food out of someone’s garbage can.
He was so doggone mean and hard to get along with it just didn’t seem like it was true that he could be anyone’s daddy. The way he was so worried about me stealing stuff from him before he even knew if I was honest or not made me wonder if someone who was so suspicious could ever be kin to me.
I looked around the little dead girl’s room and could see that even a hard-up thief wouldn’t find nothing much worth stealing in here.
The best thing in the whole room was one wall that was covered with pictures of some horses cut out of a bunch of magazines and stuck on the wall with thumbtacks. It looked like someone went through a lot of trouble to do it, each picture was held up with four thumbtacks and there were so many of them that they were like wallpaper from the floor to the ceiling.
There might’ve been something good in the closets, but even before Herman E. Calloway’d locked them shut I sure wasn’t about to peek in them.
I set my suitcase on the dressing table and looked at the first drawer. Like I said, someone telling you not to do something will sure make you want to do it. I listened real careful to make sure Herman E. Calloway wasn’t sneaking up on me, then I pulled the drawer open.
There were three boxes of thumbtacks, and one of those doggone Ticonderoga pencils. Looking at it made me smell rubber all over again.
I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge and flopped back into the mattress.
Man! It was the softest thing I’d ever felt in my life, I rubbed my arms up and down on the blanket and pulled the pillow out and put it underneath my head. The bed had two sheets on it, just like Toddy boy’s!
It was strange, even though this was the bedroom of some little girl who’d kicked the bucket, I wasn’t feeling scared or nervous at all. I took in a deep, deep breath and it felt like I was sleeping with my own blanket wrapped around my head. I took in a couple more deep breaths and I could hear Momma starting to read another story to me.
I wanted to climb under the covers to see what it felt like to sleep with two sheets, but before I could even move . . . woop, zoop, sloop . . . I was sleeping like a dead man. The last thing I remember hearing was, “Not me,” said the horse.
“Not me,” said the sheep.
“Not me,” said the werewolf.
I knew I was going to have a great sleep ’cause even though a monster had gone and snucked hisself into the story, I didn’t care, nothing could hurt me now.
I HAD TO FIGHT like a tiger to wake up the next morning. The first thing I saw was those horses thumbtacked all over the wall. I stretched and noticed my shirt was off. I kicked my legs and could tell I was under the covers with one sheet underneath me and one sheet on top of me and my pants were off too.
Boy, I must’ve really been tired last night. I couldn’t even remember getting undressed and getting between the sheets. But that explained why I was sleeping so hard, I found out one of rich people’s secrets: Sleeping with two sheets puts you out like a baby that’s been rode around in a automobile.
I looked over and thought I was dreaming. My clothes were all folded up in a neat pile the same way Momma used to fold them when she’d go to work before I got up. I blinked my eyes a couple of times ’cause it looked like there was a note on my clothes. Momma would always leave me a note that said something like, “Dear Bud, Please be neater, see you tonight, I love you.”
My eyes started getting all sting-y but I blinked them a bunch more times and the note disappeared. I kept blinking but the pile of clothes stayed right where it was.
Aw, shucks, Miss Thomas must’ve come in at night and undressed me and put me in bed. I bet she got a real good look at my legs.
I got up as quiet as I could and put my clothes back on. I could hear laughing and talking coming from downstairs.
Right when I got near the kitchen door I could hear Herman E. Calloway saying, “ . . . so that’s how that cookie’s going to crumble.”
Miss Thomas said, “You have no idea how bad those orphanages can be, it’s no place to be raised. I can’t believe you, you’ll take care of any stray dog wandering through this neighborhood, but when it comes to a child all of a sudden you have no sympathy. You might not have been paying attention, but we agreed last night what we were going to do about that boy, and that’s what we’re sticking to.”
Uh-oh. I was glad I didn’t take anything out of my suitcase, ’cause it looked like I might be making a break for the street again.
Herman E. Calloway said, “Like I said, I’ma find out what the real story is in Flint, and then we’ll see.”
Miss Thomas said, “That’s fine, I believe the child. You, above all people, should know that I’ve got a sense about when someone is lying.”
Uh-oh, I’d have to remember that.
She kept talking. “Until we’ve heard otherwise from Flint, he’s staying right here.”
A fourth voice said, “Well, I’m glad to hear it, that means I didn’t go digging around in the basement for nothing. I think he’s going to really like this.”
It was Steady Eddie and it sounded like he had something for me!
I ran back up the steps on my tiptoes and down the hall to the little dead girl’s room. I stood outside the room and closed the door loud enough that they could hear it downstairs. I clump-clump-clumped down the hall to the door that Miss Thomas said was the bathroom.
When I was done I pulled on a chain that made the water come down. The loud noise made me jump back.
Man, these inside-the-house outhouses were hard to get used to. I washed my hands with running hot water and closed the bathroom door kind of loud.
I clump-clump-clumped down the steps, stopping a couple of times to yawn real loud.
When I walked into the kitchen they all had looks on their faces like they hadn’t been talking about me at all.
I said, “Good morning, Mr. Calloway,” but I didn’t really mean it, then said, “Good morning, Miss Thomas, good morning, Mr. Jimmy, good morning, Steady Eddie.”
I noticed right away that Miss Thomas didn’t have all her diamond rings on, I guess it would’ve been hard sleeping with them flashing lights up at you, she must have to keep them closed up in a box that the sparkles can’t get out of. I noticed too that even without the rings Miss Thomas stil
l had to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
They smiled and said, “Good morning, Bud.” All except Herman E. Calloway. He got up from the table and said, “I don’t like the way Loudean is sounding, I’ma have a look at her plugs.”
He went outside through a door at the back of the kitchen.
Miss Thomas said, “Bud, we’d just about given up on you. Do you usually sleep until after noon?”
After noon? Man, I couldn’t believe it, I’d slept as long as those rich folks in the moving pictures!
“No, ma’am, that’s the first time I ever did that.”
She said, “I know you must be starving, but if you can hold out for another half hour or so Mr. Jimmy’s going to make everyone’s lunch. Think you can wait?”
“Yes, ma’am.” A half hour wasn’t nothing to wait, no matter how hungry you were.
Mr. Jimmy said, “So what’s the scoop, little man?”
I didn’t know what that meant so I said, “Nothing, sir.”
Steady Eddie said, “How’d you sleep, kiddo?”
“Great, sir.” Oops, I forgot I wasn’t supposed to call the band men sir.
He said, “Cop a squat.” He pointed at a chair. I guessed that meant “sit down,” so I did.
Miss Thomas said, “Were your ears burning last night, Bud?”
Man, all these Grand Rapids people really do talk funny. I only came from the other side of the state and it was like they talked some strange language out here.
I said, “What, ma’am?”
She said, “There’s an old saying that when people talk about you behind your back your ears start to get real warm, kind of like they were burning.”
I said, “No, ma’am, my ears felt just fine.”
She said, “Well, they should’ve been burning, you were the subject of a very long conversation last night. But as sound asleep as you were, I’m really not all that surprised you didn’t notice. I had to check your pulse to make sure you were still alive!”
Shucks! I knew it. She did come in when I was conked out and took my doggone pants and shirt off and put me there. Man, this was real embarrassing.
Miss Thomas said, “Mr. Calloway and the band and I talked about you for a long time. We’ve come up with something we want to discuss with you, but we need your help in deciding what to do.”
Uh-oh. That was Rules and Things Number 36, or something, that meant I was going to have to get ready to go fetch something for her.
I said, “Yes, ma’am?”
She said, “We’ve got to talk to some people in Flint first, but if they say it’s all right, we were hoping that you’d stay here at Grand Calloway Station for a while.”
A gigantic smile split my face in half.
Miss Thomas said, “I’m going to assume that that smile means yes.”
I said, “Yes, ma’am! Thank you, ma’am!”
Miss Thomas said, “Before that grin gets stuck on your face, let me tell you you’re going to have lots of chores and things to take care of around here, Bud, you’ll be expected to pull your own weight the best you can. We all like a very clean house and none of us are too used to having children around, so we’re all going to have to learn to be patient with each other. There’s one person in particular that you’re going to have to be very patient with. Do you know who I mean?”
I sure did. “Yes, ma’am, it’s Mr. Calloway.”
She said, “Good boy, give him some time. He really needs help with a lot of different things, he swears someone’s adding weight onto that bass fiddle of his every year, but he’s just getting older. He can use some young, wiry hands to help him around. Think you can handle that?”
Now I knew for sure she’d looked at my legs, she must’ve thought I was a real weakling.
I said, “Yes, ma’am, my legs are a lot stronger than they look, most folks are surprised by that.”
Miss Thomas said, “I don’t doubt that at all, Bud. I’m not worried about your body being strong, I’m more concerned about your spirit. Lord knows Mr. Calloway is going to give it a test.”
I said, “Yes, ma’am, my spirit’s a lot stronger than it looks too, most folks are really surprised by that.”
She smiled and said, “Very good, but you know what, Bud?”
“What, ma’am?”
“I knew you were an old toughie the minute I saw you.”
I smiled again.
She said, “Our schedule’s pretty heavy for the next couple of months, and then come September we’ll have to see about school for you, but we’ll be doing a lot of traveling right around Michigan, so I hope you don’t mind long car trips.”
“No, ma’am.”
She said, “That’s great, Bud. Something tells me you were a godsend to us, you keep that in mind all of the time, OK?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Then she did something that made me feel strange. She stood up, grabbed both my arms and looked right hard in my face, just like Momma used to, she said, “Really, Bud, I want you to always keep that in mind, this might get hard for you some of the time and I don’t always travel with the band, so I don’t want you to forget what I’m telling you.”
I said, “No, ma’am, I won’t.”
Steady Eddie said, “Since you’re going to be part of the family there’re some things we’ve got to talk about. Now I’ve noticed the tight grip you keep on that old suitcase of your’n. I need to know how attached to it you are.”
“I carry it with me everywhere I go ’cause all my things are in there.” I wasn’t sure if I liked the way this talk was going.
Steady Eddie said, “That’s what I need to know, are you attached to the suitcase, or is it the things inside that are important?”
I’d never thought about that before, I’d always thought of the suitcase and the things inside together.
I said, “The things I got from my mother are the most important.”
He said, “Good, ’cause if you’re going to be traveling with us it just wouldn’t look too copacetic for you to be carrying that ratty old bag.”
He reached under the kitchen table and pulled out one of those funny-looking suitcases that the band kept all their instruments in. This one looked like a baby one to his.
He put it on the table, opened it and said, “Since you’re going to be traveling with Herman E. Calloway and the Worthy Swarthys, which is known far and wide as a very classy band, it’s only fitting that you quit carrying your things in that cardboard suitcase.
“This is my old alto saxophone case, I’ve been hanging on to it for three years now, ever since the horn got stole right off the stage in Saginaw, but it doesn’t look like I’m ever gonna get it back, so I figured you might as well keep your momma’s things in it.”
Wow! “Thank you, Steady Eddie!”
I pulled my new case over to me. The inside of it had a great big dent where Steady Eddie’s saxophone used to go, now there wasn’t anything in it but a little raggedy pink towel. The case had some soft smooth black stuff all over the inside of it, it covered everything, even the dent. There was a real old smell that came out of it too, like dried-up slobber and something dead. It smelled great!
The back kitchen door opened and I thought Herman E. Calloway was coming back in to ruin everybody’s fun, but it was the rest of the band.
Everybody said hello, poured themselves some coffee, then sat down at the table.
Doo-Doo Bug said, “I see Mr. C.’s got Loudean’s carburetor tore down again, anything wrong?”
Miss Thomas said, “There’s lots wrong, but not with that car.”
They all laughed so I joined in too.
I patted my new case and said, “This here’s my case now, I’m going to be going around with you.”
They smiled and Dirty Deed said, “So we hear. Glad to have you on board, partner.”
Steady Eddie said, “I was just about to tell him some of the things Herman E. Calloway requires of anybody in his band.”
T
he Thug said, “Otherwise known as Herman E. Calloway’s Rules to Guarantee You Have No Female Companionship, No Alcohol and No Fun at All.”
“Rule number one, practice two hours a day.”
Mr. Jimmy said, “That’s a good one.”
Steady Eddie said, “So I got you this, Bud.”
Steady Eddie had another present for me! This was a long, brown, skinny wooden flute. I was going to have to learn music!
He said, “It’s called a recorder. Once you’ve developed a little wind, and some tone and a embouchure we’ll move on to something a little more complicated.”
These must’ve been more of those Grand Rapids words ’cause they sure weren’t like any American talk I ever heard before.
I said, “Thank you!”
Steady Eddie said, “Don’t thank me until you’ve been through a couple of hours of blowing scales. We’ll see if you’re still grateful then.”
The Thug said, “Now all that’s left is to give little stuff here a name.”
Miss Thomas said, “You know, I don’t like the way Loudean’s been sounding, I think I’m gonna go check the air in the trunk.” She picked her coffee up and started to leave the kitchen.
Doo-Doo Bug said, “You don’t have to leave, Miss Thomas.”
“Darling, I know that, it’s just that this is one of those man things that you all think is so mysterious and special that I have absolutely no interest in. The only thing I can hope is that the process has improved since you four were given your names.” Then she left the room.
As soon as she was gone Steady Eddie told me, “Hand me your ax and stand up, Bud.” I was starting to catch on to this Grand Rapids talk, I remembered that a ax was a instrument. I handed Steady my recorder and stood up in front of him.
He said, “Uh-uh, she was right, this is mysterious and special, so that grin’s got to go, brother.”
I tried to tie down my smile.
Bud, Not Buddy Page 13