Either that or it’s just that Greg has gone. This time, as I turn down the lane, I’m sensible. Looking at my watch, I walk for five minutes, then jog the next five, then walk again. I do this for half an hour. One or two muscles twinge at me, but so far so good and this time I make it home in one piece, where I collapse, slumped on my sofa and my exhaustion catches up with me.
It’s much later when I wake up, half my face crumpled like a paper bag, my hair flattened most attractively. And yes, I’m still wearing sweaty running shorts when my mobile buzzes at me. I pick it up to find two new texts.
The first is from an unknown number.
Got your nmbr from H. How about dinner tonite hot lips. Josh x
Oh! Now I’m awake. The hot lips is a bit corny though, unless it’s a reference to our drunken snog from way back. Anyway, the point is, hot Josh is asking me out!
The second is from Honey:
Gave Josh your number, guessed you wouldn’t mind. For goodness sake, behave yourself. x
I reply to both by accident.
Of course I’ll behave
Josh calls me straight back.
‘Sorry, that was for Honey, not you.’
‘That’s a relief! I rather like you misbehaving! And you shouldn’t listen to Honey, she’s far too serious.’
‘I know she is, but she means well. Anyway, hello. How are you?’ A silly smile’s plastered itself across my face. I forget entirely how tired I am and that all I was dreaming of was a shower, some food and a seriously early night. I’m going on a date with Josh!
‘Yeah. Good. So are we on?’
‘Possibly…’ I smile down my phone at him.
‘I see, well, would McCluskey’s persuade you? And we could go on somewhere after that?’
McCluskey’s would be very nice, thank you. It’s cooler than cool in there, expensive too, the kind of place Honey makes Johnny take her to.
‘I guess it might,’ I say, smiling to myself, silencing the little part of me that’s jumping up and down and whooping YES!
‘Ok – say eight? I’ll pick you up.’
Oh my giddy aunt – according to my watch it’s already seven, which doesn’t give me long. A hot date with hot Josh deserves some effort but there’s barely enough time to jump in the shower and shave my legs, let alone fiddle with my clothes.
I settle on a summer dress, a simple, quite floaty little number, dotted with tiny flowers and I’m just adding mascara when there’s a knock on my door. Checking my reflection, I go to answer it.
‘Hi!’ Josh leans forward and kisses me on the cheek.
‘Hello! Come on in! You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not my usual sparkling self tonight – I’ve had a bit of a day. Few days actually…’
‘Sounds like you could do with a drink,’ says Josh, following me in and looking around my flat. ‘I know I could.’
‘Just give me a minute.’ I dash back to my bedroom, adding lipstick, a spritz of perfume and running a comb through my almost dry hair. I’d have liked longer but I’ll have to do. Then taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders, and go back out to him.
He looks me up and down, approvingly. ‘Shall we go?’
As we go out to his car, every bit the gentleman, he opens the passenger door for me. Oh, I do like old-fashioned good manners in a man! In fact, I’m liking this more and more. The car is very new and smooth and tidy after my van, which tends to be littered with chocolate wrappers and coke tins, though he drives too fast along the narrow lanes, but before I know it, we’re in Tunbridge Wells where McCluskey’s is.
He’s even reserved a table, which impresses me, because he’s obviously given this some thought. And it’s just as well, or we wouldn’t have got in – already the place is packed. We sit at the little table we’re shown to, and I pinch myself, just to be sure, reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be, on a proper date. With a guy I fancy the pants off. I’m not going to blow this! Not this time! I will be the epitome of good behaviour and have just one small drink – and no more.
A waiter pours the wine Josh orders – a delicious white, ice cold – and I know straight away, this isn’t going to be easy.
‘So tell me about your week,’ says Josh. ‘A couple of weddings can’t be that arduous, surely…’
‘Well,’ I start. ‘Everyone thinks that, but I can assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. You see, it all began with a rabbit…’
‘A rabbit…’ His eyes are twinkling most naughtily.
‘Not that kind,’ I roll my eyes at him. ‘You know, one of those brown furry things with long ears and a penchant for all things floral. Anyway, last weekend, one decided to move into my workshop, but I found his secret tunnel and he’s history. Actually, it was Lulubelle who found it - she lives in the village too. Then, after that, everything was going swimmingly. Skye and I had everything under control and then this weird guy came in and poured weed-killer on all the wedding flowers, only of course I didn’t realise until the following day, when I opened up the shop and they were dead. Every last one of them. So there I was with two weddings and no flowers.’
I pause for effect and sip my wine. Lovely, lovely wine which I really ought to have another glass of. I feel my resolve slipping away.
‘So, d’you ever get anyone famous in?’ He says it so casually.
I open my mouth to mention Maria, then for some reason close it again. I mean, I’d love to tell him, but we’re sitting in the middle of a restaurant. It’s not exactly discrete. ‘Not really. You don’t get many celebs in Dexter’s Green. I should also tell you that - I’m trying to be abstemious,’ I add quickly as he goes to top up my glass. He goggles at me.
‘Why?’
‘New regime,’ I tell him. ‘In the interest of my health – and the Brighton half marathon. Anyway, going back to the flowers, I had a whole new lot delivered at three o’clock this morning. Problem solved. Bit of an early start though… How was your day?’
‘Quite lazy, compared to yours. I had lunch over at Johnny and Honey’s. She was up to her usual tricks, bossing the poor guy around. If I was him, I wouldn’t put up with it.’ But instead of sounding affectionate, he sounds disgusted.
I feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.
‘Oh they’re alright, aren’t they? Honey’s bark is worse than her bite and she adores him. I’ve known her forever… She wouldn’t have given up single woman-hood for anyone else in the world.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t put up with it. I wouldn’t be in his shoes either, I’ll tell you that much.’
Now, a Saturday night in the buzzing heart of McCluskey’s would ordinarily be my idea of heaven. But as I sit back while the waiter brings us our starters, I study Josh when he’s not looking, not liking one bit how he just talked about Honey. Not only that, but when the waiter apologises for a delay I hadn’t even noticed, he’s abrupt to the point of rudeness.
I feel myself frown slightly, because all of a sudden, I’m not feeling the lust. Dare I say it, hot Josh suddenly doesn’t seem so hot. I know I’m tired, but quite simply, the most appealing thing in the world right now is my bed. And yes, believe it or not, alone.
‘Aren’t you hungry?’ His voice interrupts my thoughts.
‘Oh no, it’s lovely,’ I smile back at him, deciding I really must snap myself out of this mood I’m in and at the very least, be the model dinner guest, especially as he’s gone to all this trouble. So I listen attentively as he tells me about his job in town. And actually, once he gets started, I find he’s rather fond of talking about himself. He’s a freelance writer, he tells me. He used to write for motoring magazines but for a while, he’s been looking for a change.
‘I do find I get stifled, creatively, if I do the same thing for too long. I’m sure you know what I mean…’ he says pompously, pausing to top our glasses up, while my eyes are glazing over with boredom. ‘…And that’s not good for anyone, is it... No, I firmly believe in spreading one’s wings, so
to speak. You have to try new things, don’t you think? A mate’s offered me a job, actually.’
‘Oh? What’s that?’ I pretend to be riveted, feigning an interest I’m not feeling and thinking Oh God. He really is one of those boring twats who finds himself fascinating…
‘Oh – er – on a small magazine. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of it…’
He doesn’t mention it again, a fact for which I’m grateful, so I turn my attention to the food, which is sublime. In fact, the whole vibe in here is cool. But there’s one major problem. The realisation has struck me that without my beer goggles, I don’t fancy Josh any more than I fancied Greg, simple as that. And I know perfectly well he hasn’t an inkling, because in the past I’ve thrown myself at him – last time and the time before. So I’ve only got myself to blame.
By the time we’ve finished dinner, I stifle a yawn, but he clearly has no intention of calling it a night. Quite the opposite and as we step outside into the night air, he pulls me against him and holding me tightly, presses his lips on mine. I wriggle uncomfortably and try to pull away, which he doesn’t like at all.
‘I thought you wanted that,’ he says – quite unpleasantly. ‘You certainly made me think so.’
‘You know, Josh, I thought I did too. But actually…’ I pin on a smile I’m not feeling, racking my brain for excuses, needing to get away from him. ‘I think it would be… a mistake. You know – what with Johnny being your brother and Honey being my best friend, don’t you think it might be a little awkward?’
Which is complete rubbish, because if I really fancied him, Honey would be the last person I’d be thinking about, but I’m trying to do this graciously rather than tell him if he sticks his tongue down my throat again, I won’t be accountable for my actions.
For a moment, I think he’s going to get really stroppy, but then he says ungraciously, ‘I suppose you want a lift home.’
‘No, it’s okay,’ I tell him, not wanting to even be in a car with him. Besides, he’s had too much to drink. ‘I’ll get a cab. I don’t want to ruin your night and I know you wanted to go on somewhere. It’s fine. Thank you for a lovely dinner. And I’m really sorry, you know, but I really do have to go…’
By the time I’ve finished talking, I’ve turned away and am walking quite fast up the high street, filled with a sense of relief, though far from pleased with myself, because there’s a pattern here. I meet guys, even go on a date or two or three, leading them on then suddenly realising it’s all a terrible mistake. And I’ve still no idea why.
And as luck would have it, on this warm, balmy night, it seems every in-love couple from miles around has flocked to Tunbridge Wells. Everywhere I look, they’re there, in all shapes and sizes, blissfully lovestruck and happily entwined, rather than itching to get away like I am. They’re not all gorgeous looking, or fabulously interesting I’m sure - it’s something more elemental than that. Maybe to do with being happy in their skins or not having wild expectations. Perhaps that’s my problem - that I always expect too much.
I flag down a taxi and as it drives me sedately home, I realise that whatever my own failings, unlike his lovely brother, Josh really isn’t good company. He’s got mean eyes and an equally mean spirit and showed no interest in me beyond making sure I got sloshed and he got his leg over. And after the shenanigan with Greg, I’m realising that perhaps there ought be more a little more to it than too much to drink and casual sex if I’m ever going to meet the right one.
After all, there’s someone out there for everyone, surely? That certain person who when your eyes meet, suddenly you’re not looking any more. Like Honey and Johnny for instance. With that spark, and something in common, beyond small talk and the merits of Australian Chardonnay. Like riveting, witty and flirtatious conversation, full of fascinating facts and amusing little anecdotes. And, of course, love… so why isn’t it as straightforward as it sounds?
8
Okay. So my fitness level is on the up and my alcohol consumption dwindling – most of the time - but then we all need the odd night off for good behaviour. And with my body in hand, the bigger problem seems to be my mind. And it just so happens, completely by chance of course, my jog this morning, now up to an astonishing seven miles, takes me right past Nina’s house. As it’s a Sunday, I peer in through her window and holy moly - is that Will?
If it is, she’d be wise to hide him from Charlie because that’s one extremely fit man in my friend’s house. Fit - as in toned, athletic, muscled, as I can see quite clearly as he’s not wearing many clothes – and yes, the other kind of fit too. I need to check this out. Just in case, well, I don’t know for sure it is Will and you never know, he could be a burglar or something…
The door opens as soon as I knock. ‘Frankie! What a surprise! Hey! You’re running – good for you!’
‘Hi! Sorry, I er, didn’t know you had company…’ My eyes flicker towards the kitchen.
Nina grins, not fooled for a minute. ‘He’s about to go,’ she whispers, grabbing my arm and pulling me inside. ‘Stay! I’ll introduce you!’
I don’t need asking twice. I follow her into the kitchen and up close, I have to admit, Will is gorgeous, with a tan the perfect shade of caramel and warm, smiley eyes. My whole body sighs as I gaze at him. It would be well worth injuring yourself just to feel those firm hands on your body. God, I sound like Charlie. I banish the though instantly, reminding myself, this man is one hundred per cent Nina’s.
‘Will - this is my friend Frankie…’ Nina’s gone all girly and pink and I realise, I’m probably the first of her friends to meet him.
‘Hi!’ says Will. ‘I’ve been hearing all about you!’
‘Oh heavens, I hope not…’ I glance at Nina. Perish the thought. It just means someone else on the planet to prove myself to.
‘Not all,’ says Nina reassuringly.
‘Actually, I’m afraid I’ve got to go.’ His eyes meet Nina’s and suddenly I feel in the way.
‘Oh, well, nice to meet you, Will! I’ll be in the er, bathroom.’ I gesture in a not very subtle way to Nina before tiptoeing away, to give them a moment alone.
My reason for calling in - aside from checking out Will - is because I’m hoping Nina can shed some light on what’s wrong with me. Especially now she has this lovely, shiny new relationship all of her own. She’s radiant this morning, positively glowing as I go back in to her kitchen and she pours me a glass of water.
‘I’m guessing I don’t need to ask how your date went… He’s lovely, Nina! I’m so happy for you!’
‘He is, isn’t he! Oh Frankie… it’s so exciting! He took me out on Friday, then last night, I cooked here and well, he kind of ended up staying.’
Her eyes twinkle at me as I raise my eyebrows questioningly. Clearly not in the spare room either…
‘You had a better time than I did,’ I tell her. ‘Hot Josh asked me out. Took me to McCluskey’s, believe it or not.’
‘Hey, that’s great, Frankie! You really like that guy!’
‘I thought so too. But you know, I really don’t,’ I say miserably. ‘That’s the problem. Last night, I found him boring and self-obsessed and I couldn’t get away fast enough.’
‘Oh Frankie…’
‘Worse still, because I’d been leading him on, he was expecting some action of the naked kind. I suppose that’s why he took me somewhere fancy, but I couldn’t even stand him kissing me. Oh Nina, it’s what always happens. Why can’t I go out with them and like them and that’s that?’
With every sentence I feel more and more convinced it’s me. It has to be. But my wise friend thinks differently.
‘Oh Frankie…Maybe part of you would just like to share your life with someone. It’s understandable – and you shouldn’t listen to Charlie. I bet one day, even she’ll be swept off her feet. But you know, you’re better off on your own than with the wrong guy.’
‘You think so?’ I say miserably. ‘I’m think I’m just a magnet for wankers, Nina. Just one
nice guy is all I’m asking…’
‘You’ll find him,’ says Nina gently. ‘As for Josh, he’s obviously not for you, is he? But there will be someone. Someone you’ll fall in love with who is just as in love with you, who’ll make you want to hang on tight to them forever... I promise!’
‘Like Will?’ I blurt, suddenly tearful.
‘Well, it’s a bit soon – but it’s off to a good start! Don’t worry so, Frankie. That Josh sounds like a ….’
‘Tosser?’ I offer, biting my lip and blowing my nose noisily.
‘He’s probably an okay guy but just wrong for you,’ says Nina, more tactfully. ‘You know, maybe you could do with a change of scene. I know you have your business and it’s amazing how well it’s doing, but sometimes, a change is good for everyone. Even if it’s just going somewhere different for a couple of days. Or maybe try and catch up with your Mum?’
I’d give anything to jet off somewhere hot and exotic, a million miles from wedding madness. Some sleep wouldn’t go amiss, either. My mother though… If she were a fraction like other mothers, then maybe, but as Nina knows, she isn’t.
I grimace. ‘I don’t even know where Julia is at the moment. Last I heard, she was on a yacht in the Aegean. That was over a year ago.’
‘Oh Frankie… It must be so hard. I know you have Alice, and us, but even so.’ Nina’s voice is full of sympathy.
I find myself blinking back unexpected tears. Julia’s invisibility in my life is nothing new, but there are times when I can’t help but imagine what it would be like, having the proper, fully-underwired kind of support that only a mother can give.
‘Actually, I’m lucky,’ I tell her, my voice suddenly so hoarse that I can’t tell her the rest. That I really am lucky and that she, Charlie, Honey, Alice – and of course, Martha - are the most important people in the world to me.
‘It’s Julia’s loss.’ Nina’s hand reaches out to mine.
I jog home, still preoccupied with thoughts of my mother. It’s just a fit of the blues, but Nina’s right, I decide. I do far too much in the company of my own head. My business has dominated my life since it began and apart from seeing my girlfriends, I don’t actually do anything else. That’s it! I need to widen my social circle. Join a club – a running club like Honey suggested.
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