by Mia Ford
“Hey there,” Delia’s voice pierces my brain., making me grit my teeth together. I can’t ever seem to catch a break. “You look busy. What are you doing?”
“I am busy,” I tell her forcefully. “Busy trying to work out where I’m going once all of this is done. We won’t be in the college bubble for too much longer, I need to think about it.”
“Just work for your daddy’s firm, that’s what I’m going to do.”
Delia’s blasé attitude annoys me, but mostly because I probably was like that not so long ago. I assumed I would walk out of college and straight into a job with daddy, before my entire life fell apart. Much as it sucks to have that happen to me, I think it’s given me a new perspective on life too. In a very strange way I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to be this self entitled ass.
“Since we’re nearly at the end of college, you really need to take me out on a date.”
As Delia winks at me, suggesting that our date would lead to the bedroom very quickly, I have to admit that I feel tempted. Only by the idea of losing myself in someone that isn’t a client for a while to help me forget about Avril, not by her, but the temptation isn’t enough. This girl is drama, and while she’s good for one night stands, I don’t want to invite anything else into my life. I just want to get out of college with my head above water. At the moment, it’s only barely happening.
“No, Delia, I can’t take you out,” I sigh wearily. “It’s never going to happen.”
“Can you not afford to, because we don’t have to go anywhere fancy.” Her fingers lightly brush up and down my arm in what I assume she thinks is a seductive manner. I doubt she’s ever had to try this hard for anyone before. “We don’t have to go anywhere except for your bedroom.”
It could be mindless, emotionless, animalistic, and just fun but still I don’t want to. I don’t want to disrespect what I’ve just had with Avril for something that’s unimportant. I could, but I won’t. In fact, I might not go near anyone again until I know that it’s actually going to become something. I can’t risk this feeling again, it’s killer. One heart ache is bad enough, thank you very much.
I peel Delia off me and give her a determined look. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I know that’s going to annoy you but I can’t. It isn’t going to happen ever so you’re better off focusing your attentions elsewhere. I hope you understand. I’m not going to be dating or hooking up with anyone until after college. I don’t have a job to simply walk into, so I need to focus on the future.”
She doesn’t, I can tell, but she’s going to have to. I just hope I haven’t unleashed a fury unbounded because I really don’t need that right now.
Chapter Nine – Avril
The restaurant is beautiful, one of the poshest places that I’ve ever eaten in my entire life, and the food is delicious. Full of flavor and presented beautifully. The waiting staff can’t do enough to help me and my date which makes me feel a bit like a princess, and me and Buzz are both dressed like we’re headed out to the Oscars or something. On the surface of things, this date is incredible.
So why the fuck do I hate every single second of it? What the hell is wrong with me?
“…yeah, so when I was on the set of that robot film, I can’t remember the name of it now, but it did really well in the box office, I was voted the best bum of the year…”
Ah yes, of course. I’m with the dullest, most arrogant man on the planet, that’s why. Everything that I feared would be bad about spending time with Buzz is the truth. I cannot believe that I allowed Carly to talk me into this. She might have been right in the past, but not now. Buzz is unbearable, I can barely stand his company at all. He hasn’t even asked me a question once, all he’s done is go on about himself. On and on and on. I want to scream with frustration.
He doesn’t actually like me either, that’s been made very clear to me. It seems to be a tactic of his to be seen out with his co stars, I guess that because of all the stories he’s told me about other leading ladies that he’s been out with. I suppose it’s no different to what Carly told me to do, but it still feels cold. My initial instincts were right, I don’t want to be that girl. If I d manage to build up a career, I want to do so via my own merits, not because of the men on my arm.
“Wow, that’s really something,” I reply in a monotone voice. “A very proud moment.”
I was only being the littlest bit sarcastic, but Buzz leaps on that. “It was actually. I mean, that’s why I spend so much time in the gym, isn’t it? To build up my body for things like that, so to know that the public is out there watching me and noticing… it’s nice. Who knows, you might even get a similar award for your role in this movie. The audience will probably see a lot of it.”
I push my plate away, unable to eat anymore. His words make me feel ill, I have absolutely nothing in common with him. Not like I do Owen… Owen and his funny nature, his sweet words, the way he makes me feel absolutely comfortable with just being myself. I miss him. I know I’m not supposed to be missing him and that’s a big part of this, but I do. I just cannot help it.
“Probably a good idea, not to finish that cake.” Buzz nods towards my plate. “You can’t afford to pile on the pounds now, can you? Not when you’re about to hit it big…”
“Maybe we should go,” I say sharply while pushing my chair back. I don’t want to smack him in the mouth because we still have to work together, but I’m getting dangerously close to doing so. If he says anything else remotely like that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold back. “We should get some beauty sleep before tomorrow, shouldn’t we? We don’t want to go into work tired.” Buzz’s eyes bug out of his head and I quickly realize my mistake. “I mean to sleep alone.”
He could be the best-looking man on the planet and he isn’t getting into my bed tonight. Buzz hasn’t helped me to forget about Owen at all, all he’s done is remind me how much better he is than him. If I’d been out to dinner with Owen, even if we’d only eaten fast food in our sweat pants it would’ve been so much better. At least I would’ve had fun. This has been hell.
“Wait a minute then.” Buzz sulks and he pulls out his cell phone. “I need to tell my agent that we’re leaving. The photographers will want to get ready.”
My heart sinks. Much as I knew this would potentially be a part of tonight I didn’t know Buzz would invite it in. He’s basically asking people to picture us together which is gross.
“Do we have to do that?” I ask with a screwed-up nose. “Can’t we just slip out?”
Buzz looks at me like I’m an alien with about three extra heads. Clearly, he doesn’t understand me one bit. We’re two different people from opposite universes. Yes, I want to be a successful actress and I know that fame is a side effect of that, but I don’t want fame just for the sake of it.
“We have to be photographed, we need to be seen together or what’s the point?”
There are so man retorts that I could give to that, but I don’t. There isn’t any point, it’s written all over Buzz’s face that this is all he knows. I don’t want this, but I’ll suck it up if I can escape.
“Fine, whatever.” I purse my lips angrily. “I’ll pose and smile for a couple of pictures, but I don’t want to talk to any of them and I don’t want you to talk about me.”
“They will ask…” Buzz insists, but I’m not in the mood for his bullshit.
“I don’t care. Either you promise me that you’ll say nothing or we aren’t doing this.” I glare at him like he’s the Devil or something. “I’ll sneak out the back or something.”
“Okay, I’ll just brush it off if they ask. Although that’ll probably make them more suspicious. Sometimes the made-up stories are a million times worse than the real one.”
After tonight, I highly doubt it. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Come on.”
A few moments later we’re given the green light and we step out of the building. The camera flashes are so bright they’re almost blinding, but I don’t let that stop me fr
om smiling. If anyone asks me, I’ll just say that me and Buzz are friends. Of course, the journalists will stretch it into the story that they want to be the truth, but I don’t care. I know this isn’t anything and so does Buzz. What strangers who read and believe everything think isn’t any of my business. I’m not exactly A list anyway so I’m sure there will always be someone more interesting than me out there to gossip about.
“Can we go now?” I ask Buzz through gritted teeth. “It’s been more than two minutes.”
He grips onto my arm, holding me closer to him. “Not yet, we need to do this right.”
“Are you two an item now?”, “How long have you been together?”, “Are things serious between you?”, “Did you meet on the set of the movie you’re filming together?”.
Questions fly, but I refuse to answer any of them and I pinch Buzz’s arm hard so he can’t either. The less we say, the less they have to add meat to the bones of their story. Even though Buzz is better known that me, he isn’t front page material. For now, I think I can survive this.
“Let’s leave.” Finally, I’ve had more than enough so I push my way through the crowds and Buzz has no choice but to follow me. I don’t think he wants to, but it’s tough. I’ve done what he wants, now it’s time for him to do what I want. “Can I get a ride in your car?” I ask him while already stepping inside. “I don’t want them to follow me. They might think they can get more info out of me alone.”
“Do you have to go home?” Buzz asks me in a small voice. “You can always come and stay with me, you know? I don’t necessarily expect anything, I can just get a bit… lonely.”
It’s strange, under his façade he isn’t the worst person in the world. There’s actually a nice person there who my heart goes out to, but not enough to make me want to spend the night with him.
“I can’t I’m afraid, Buzz,” I tell him regretfully. “I actually have some stuff I need to take care of. I’m sorry. But if you’re ever lonely we can always hang out again as friends.”
Maybe if we become actual friends I can give him some advice. He could do so much better for himself if he drops the cocky mask and actually shows some vulnerability. Girls would flock to him, and nice ones that actually want to be with him, not fame hungry wanabees who don’t like him.
But tonight, definitely isn’t the time to share that observation. I’ll wait.
I give Buzz my address and stare out the window while we whizz along the road, pondering over my choices. I know that time is a great healer, I’m sure I can get over how I’m feeling with regards to Owen if I allow myself the chance to do so, but is that what I want? Will that make me happy? Distracting myself hasn’t worked – although I suppose I didn’t pick the best guy to try that experiment with – and I also couldn’t bring myself to delete his number. There’s a reason for that and I’m not sure that ignoring it is healthy either. There’s something there, it isn’t something I’m used to, but I do know I want more of it.
Maybe this is the wine talking, although I only had one glass, I think I need to contact Owen again to see. I don’t want to go through my life with unanswered questions, I think that’ll be worse than having regrets. This might be the craziest thing that I ever end up doing, he’s someone I shouldn’t be able to be with really, but I can’t help myself. I want to try.
Chapter Ten – Owen
The next time my phone rings, it’s my cell not my work phone, which is the only thing that makes me look at it. I’m utterly stunned to the core when I see the number on the screen, just as I’d gotten myself adjusted to the idea that it really is time to move on, she’s reaching out to me again.
Am I dreaming? I ask myself with a sharp shake of my head. Have I lost it?
But no, I really do seem to be awake. The one thing that I’ve been hoping for and dreading all at the same time has happened and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I shouldn’t answer, this isn’t the healthiest of ideas, but I already know that I’m going to. The need to see her again is too much. Knowing that she wants to communicate with me too is too powerful to overcome.
“Hello? Avril?” I say quietly, not wanting to disturb Tyler from his sleep.
“Owen, oh thank goodness. I was so afraid that you weren’t going to pick up then!”
I sit up in bed and cradle the phone closer to my ear. She sounds so geuninly pleased to hear from me that I can’t help wanting to cling tightly to her. “Of course, I would answer.”
“What are you doing right now? Are you busy? I don’t want to disturb you or anything.”
“I’m not too busy to speak to you.” I slide off the bed and head out into the hallway where I can speak to her privately. There are people milling about, but no one interested in me. “How are you?”
“I was actually wondering if we could have a conversation face to face.”
The idea of seeing her face again makes my heart beat faster in my chest. I know it’s wrong and that makes it even more tempting. All I want to do is throw myself at her mercy, to forget about what’s smart, but I do need to keep some distance. One of us needs to keep our head on.
“I don’t know if we should.” I run my fingers through my hair, tugging hard on the ends to give myself some physical pain as I hurt the both of us. “After what happened last time…”
“I know, I know, that wasn’t smart, but don’t you think we should discuss it?”
“Not if…” Urgh, I hate myself. “Not if we aren’t going to see each other again.”
She pauses for a moment too long, giving the cringe time to almost swallow me up whole. My feet pace up and down, to anyone else here I probably look like a crazy person but I really don’t care.
“Is that what you want?” she finally asks me. “To never see one another again?”
Of course, I want to, everything is screaming painfully inside of me to tell her yes, but I clench my lips together tightly to keep the words inside. But I explode, I can’t stop myself, the words fly out of my mouth without me even meaning to. It’s like word vomit pouring out.
“Yes, of course I want to see you again.” Damn it, I’m a freaking idiot! I face palm, knowing that I’ve made things even more complicated. “I mean, if you want to…”
“I do want to,” She giggles adorably. “So, would you come and see me again, please?”
I know I can’t reject her, not again. “Sure. At the motel again? Same room as before?”
“Not the motel. I want you to come to my house.” If the softness of her tone doesn’t melt me, her words do. She’s really inviting me into her life, her real life. “Is that okay? I know we don’t normally do that but I think this is a little bit different, don’t you?”
Different… different, like more. That’s what she means. She wants this to go further. It’s what I want too, but I don’t know if I can go for it. Things haven’t changed, I’m still an escort which means I can’t actually date. I’m also still young, which makes all of this pointless… but I want to try. Damn it, I can’t stop myself, I really want to give this a go. I want to know.
“I think…” I gulp desperately. “I think that’s a good idea. I think that we should talk.”
“Okay so if I text you my address, you’ll come? It doesn’t have to be for long…”
“I’ll come.” She really doesn’t need to worry about this. I’m definitely going to turn up because I need to know what she wants to talk about. If I don’t go, I’ll end up torturing myself for ever more, wondering how things would’ve been different if I’d just given me and Avril a try. “I’ll come now.”
I shake off any negative feelings as I hang up the phone and I make my way back into the room to get changed. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I do know it’ll be a game changer, one way or another. Seeing Avril will affect everything from here on out.
***
I stare at the door to Avril’s apartment with my heart racing against my rib cage. My fingers are itching to life up and knock but I’m
afraid to actually take that step. I probably look like a creep out here in the middle of the night, dithering, but I still can’t make myself act.
All of a sudden, I don’t need to. The door swings open and she gives me a shocked look.
“Oh,” she gushes while clutching her hands to her chest. “I was just going to look for you, to see if you had any trouble finding the place. I didn’t realize you would be out here.”
I chuckle nervously, while stuffing my hands into my pockets awkwardly. I don’t know what to do now, this is all so strange. “Yeah, sorry I was just…” I can’t explain, it’s too hard.
“Come in.” Avril ushers me inside. “We’ll discuss it inside. It’s not hallway talk.”
As I walk through her apartment I scan my eyes everywhere, learning more about her as I go. My dorm room is dull. White and bland, filled with only the odd dirty item of clothing and text books. It’s purely practical, me and Tyler only have what we need. Avril is the complete opposite. She has funny looking trinkets everywhere, pieces of colorful art on the walls, and books and magazines scattered about the place. It’s very homely and sweet. It makes me like her even more.
“Your place is nice,” I comment, clearly trying to break the ice with small talk. “I like it.”