Bare-Naked Lola

by Misa Ramirez

  With an ear-jarring cackle, she proceeded to show me exactly how attractive men must find her by heaping a plate with rice, Goan fish curry rich in spices and coconut milk, baigan aloo (eggplant and potato), chana dahl (lentils), pappadums (deep-fried, wafer-thin lentil flour accompaniments resembling giant crisps), and raita (a delicious yoghurt chutney).

  Had she noticed I hadn’t said more than two words since I arrived? If so, she didn’t let on, happily maintaining a steady flow of conversation while making a sizeable dent in the food laid out before us. With constant urging, I managed to eat a reasonable portion of rice and curry, leaving room for the inevitable barrage of sweets, wondering if I could sneak up to my room for a fortifying rum.

  However, like most of my dreams in this world, it wasn’t to be.

  “Excuse me, Missy.” Buddy shuffled into the room, his dusty bare feet leaving faint footprints on the polished white tiles. “There’s been an accident.”

  Rather than looking at Anjali, Buddy darted glances at me with frightened doe eyes.

  “Spit it out, man. What’s happened?” Anjali spoiled her attempt at playing the imperious master standing over her servant by stuffing another ball of rice into her mouth with her curry-covered fingers and smacking her lips.

  Buddy stared at me, panic-stricken. “It’s the missy’s bottles. They broke. Leak everywhere.”

  “Bottles? What bottles?” Anjali paused mid-chew, her plucked eyebrows shooting skyward.

  I rarely swore. In fact, the F-word made me cringe. However, with my stomach rebelling against the onslaught of food, my nerves shot by the drive here, and my secret duty-free mojito stash now in ruins, all I could think was fuuuuuck.

  …

  I wanted to sleep in the next morning but Anjali didn’t believe in jet lag. She believed in breakfast at the crack of dawn.

  “Eat more, my girl. Idlis will give you strength for the day ahead.” She pushed the tray of steamed rice cakes toward me along with the sambhar, a lentil soup thick with vegetables.

  Not wanting to appear impolite on my first morning here, I spooned another idli onto my plate and ladled a sparrow’s serving of sambhar over it. “What’s on for today?”

  “I’ve planned a grand tour of Mumbai especially for you.” She held up a hand, fingers extended. “First stop, the Gateway of India.”

  One finger bent.

  “Second, a boat cruise on the harbor.”

  Another finger lowered.

  “Third, Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus. Then Mani Bhavan, at the home of Mahatma Ghandi.”

  She waved her pinkie and I hoped our last stop included shopping.

  “And finally, we eat at my favorite restaurant.”

  The thought of more food turned the idlis to lead in my stomach, and I edged my plate away. She didn’t notice, her face glowing with pride, like a kid who nailed a test. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was more interested in Mumbai’s malls than cultural icons.

  “Sounds good.” I injected enthusiasm into my voice, but it wasn’t enough to distract Anjali as she eyed my plate and untouched idli with a frown.

  Thankfully, Buddy entered the dining room and Anjali clapped her hands. “Time to go.”

  Relieved, I followed her to the car, thanking Buddy for holding open my door as I slid onto the back seat. He shuffled his feet in embarrassment but I caught the flicker of a bashful smile before he slipped behind the steering wheel. He’d been mortified over the duty-free bottle breakage, but what could I do? Confess to a secret alcohol stash? I’d brushed over the incident last night, citing special clear coconut juice I’d brought from the States before hiding the broken glass and condemning labels deeply in the trash. That’s all I needed, for some nosy neighbor to out Anjali for secretly swigging alcohol.

  As Buddy tested his Angry Birds skills—people were like the game app birds, seemingly flinging themselves at our car—I swallowed a curse. Oblivious to my morbid fear of inadvertently killing one of the many pedestrians jamming the sidewalks and spilling onto the road, Anjali stared at my hands, where I clutched at the worn leather.

  “That’s a lovely ring.” She pointed at the ruby. “From someone special?”

  “No.” I released my grip on the seat to twist the ring around, wishing I didn’t love it so much. Definitely not from someone special.

  She didn’t probe, her curiosity snagged by my watch. The gold link and diamond TAG had been a gift to myself with my first paycheck at Tate’s law firm, a splurge I’d justified at the time by saying I needed to look the part at an upmarket practice, when in reality I’d wanted to impress the boss who’d already made a pass at me during the first two weeks.

  “That a gift, too?”

  Jeez, who was she, the jewelry police?

  “A gift to myself.”

  Needing a change of topic fast, I pointed out the window. “That’s the third cinema we’ve passed in a few blocks.”

  She craned her neck for a better look. “Nothing unusual. We’re the movie capital of India, so there’s a multiplex cinema on every street.”

  She had to be exaggerating, but as Buddy weaved in and out of the road chaos, I spotted five more.

  “Personally, I prefer cable.” Anjali rummaged around in her giant handbag and pulled out a TV Soap magazine. “Hundreds of channels, better viewing.”

  She flicked it open to a double-page spread of buffed guys with bare chests and brooding expressions. Not bad, if you liked that fake chiseled look. By the twinkle in Anjali’s eye as she shoved the magazine my way, she did. “Bill Spencer is my favorite.”

  Clueless, I shrugged.

  Horrified, she stabbed at a photo of a dark-haired, dark-eyed Adonis with rippling pecs and a serious six-pack. “Don Diamont. You’ve never heard of him? The Young and the Restless? Dollar Bill Spencer in Bold and the Beautiful?”

  “Uh, no, I’m more of a rom-com gal.”

  Shaking her head, she snapped the magazine shut and thrust it into her bag, casting me a disbelieving glare. “I’m thinking Amrita did you a favor sending you here.”

  I didn’t want to ask, but there was something cutesy and lovable about Anjali, and I couldn’t resist. “Why, Auntie?”

  “So I can educate you.”

  I stifled a snort. “About soap operas?”

  “About men.” She rattled her bag for emphasis. “These are the men you must aspire to. Handsome, tall, broad shoulders, rich.”

  “Fictional,” I muttered, earning a click of her tongue.

  She crossed her arms, hugging the bag and magazine to her chest. “You’ll see. Once you ditch Anu’s son, we can concentrate on finding you another boy.”

  I refrained from adding, “I want a man.” No point encouraging her.

  Buddy swerved into a narrow parking space between a cart and an auto-rickshaw. I didn’t know what was worse: the promise of Anjali’s matchmaking me with a soap-idol lookalike or the ensured whiplash every time I sat in a car.

  “Good, we’re here.” She gathered the folds of her sari like a queen as she stepped from the car. “Where every tourist to Mumbai starts exploring.” She threw her arms wide. “The Gateway of India.”

  I might not be a cultural chick but I had to admit the huge archway on the water’s edge was impressive. Roughly sixty feet, it had four turrets and intricate latticework carved into the yellow stone. “What’s this made from?”

  “Basalt stone, very strong.” Anjali linked her elbow through mine and drew me down the steps behind the arch to the water’s edge. “Come, we’ll take a short cruise on a motor launch.”

  I eyed the small, bobbing boats dubiously, hoping the captains steered more sedately than the drivers on the roads.

  Anjali didn’t give me a chance to refuse, slipping a launch operator some rupees and hustling me into a b
oat before I could feign seasickness. The motor launch shot off at a great speed and I clung onto the seat. Good thing I’d skipped the manicure before I met the Ramas. It’d be shredded by the end of today.

  Anjali hadn’t prepped me for the upcoming Rama meeting. Not to worry. Rita had more than made up for it. “The Rama welcoming party should be interesting.”

  “Coming face to face with Rakesh might be interesting.” Anjali screwed up her nose. “Meeting that witch Anu?” She muttered a stream of Hindi, her tone vitriolic.

  Witch? Intrigued, I waited for a pause. “So you know Anu?”

  “You could say that.” She folded her arms, her expression thunderous.

  O-kay. Untold saga alert. Surprising Rita hadn’t mentioned any history between her aunt and prospective mother-in-law. “Is there a problem between you—”

  “Look.” Anjali nudged me with her elbow and gestured toward the arch. Nice change of topic.

  I conceded for now. “You were right—the view from here is fantastic.”

  The corners of her eyes crinkled with pride, as if she’d constructed the archway by hand. “It was built to commemorate the first-ever visit by a British monarch, King George V and Queen Mary in 1911.”

  “Interesting.” She was distracting me with a tour guide spiel. I’d play along, lulling her into a false sense of security before resuming my interrogation. I pointed at a beautiful white-turreted, pink-domed building behind the arch. “What’s that?”

  “The Taj Mahal Palace.” She touched the tip of her nose and raised it. “Very posh hotel.”

  “Maybe Rakesh will take me there?”

  “Probably, if he’s anything like his bragging mother.” Anjali snorted. “I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been invited to the house yet to meet him, despite being the aunt of his betrothed.” She made a disgusted clicking sound with her tongue. “Bet that’s Anu’s doing, too.”

  Fascinated by her obvious dislike for Rakesh’s mom, I probed further.

  “Hope she won’t have to chaperone.” I subtly sided with Anjali, hoping she’d elaborate.

  Her lips thinned. “Don’t worry about Anu. I’ll deal with her; you take care of breaking the betrothal.”

  I scrutinized her, mulling her blatant antagonism. Why would a woman who’d been raised to accept arranged marriages be hell-bent on ruining one?

  “Why are you helping Rita break her arrangement?”

  Startled, Anjali shifted and the boat tipped alarmingly before righting. “Amrita is like a daughter to me. She deserves to choose her happiness.”

  Deep.

  “Not all of us are so lucky.” Anjali shrugged, the sadness tightening her mouth, making me wish I hadn’t probed.

  “What about Senthil? What’s he like?” I hoped switching from marriage back to the Ramas would divert her attention.

  “Very fine musician.” Her lips clamped into a thin, unimpressed line before she turned away.

  Guess discussing the Ramas hit a sore spot.

  I pointed at a nearby island. “Is that temple significant?”

  While Anjali prattled on about nearby Elephanta Island where the Temple Cave of Lord Shiva could be found, I pondered her revelations. She knew next to nothing about Rakesh, admired Senthil’s musical skills, and despised Anu. It shouldn’t have mattered, but her dislike for Rakesh’s mom made me uneasy. If Anjali had another agenda, one I knew nothing about, it could jeopardize our entire scheme. Like I wasn’t anxious enough.

  I focused on the Mumbai skyline, captured by the complexity of this cosmopolitan city. I’d been here a day and barely scratched the surface, but from what I’d seen on Anjali’s grand tour so far I was starting to get a feel for the place.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Anjali said as the boat docked and I helped her step onto land.

  “Just taking it all in.” The sights, and the mysterious disclosures.

  She patted my arm. “Don’t worry about meeting the Ramas. If Rakesh is anything like his father, you’ll be fine.”

  “What’s Senthil like?”

  “Nice enough.” She shrugged, her blasé response belied by a quick look-away.

  “Shame I’ll be dealing more with Anu and not him.”

  Anjali frowned. “Be careful with her. She’s astute and devious.” She made a slitting sign across her throat. “Cunning as a rat. Dangerous when confronted.”

  Uh-oh. The last thing I needed: a perceptive psycho. My nervousness morphed into full-blown terror.

  Before I could discover more, Buddy pulled up and we piled back into the car, his presence effectively ending further communication about the Rama plot. When Anjali started rummaging in her bag, I braced for another hottie fix-up. Instead, she pulled out a snack bag. “Sev?”

  “No thanks.” The refusal was barely out of my mouth before she popped the fine, crunchy, deep-fried strands of chickpea dough into hers. By the time she finished the bag we’d arrived at our next stop, the biggest train station I’d ever seen.

  I should stop pestering her and drop the subject of the Ramas, but the tidbits she’d revealed had only served to rattle me and I needed reassurance.

  As we left the car, I tapped her on the shoulder. “Auntie, I’m a little concerned.”

  “About?”

  “Meeting the Ramas.” How to phrase this without getting her riled? “If Anu’s so shrewd, won’t she see through me?” And worse, reenact some of that throat-slitting action Anjali had mimed.

  “We won’t fail.” Anjali squared her shoulders, ready for battle. “If she tries to intimidate you or harass you, she’ll have me to deal with, the sneaky snake. She’s a ghastly, horrid—”

  “This place is still functional, Auntie?” I’d had enough of Anjali’s adjectives. I got it. She hated Anu’s guts and further questioning would only contribute to her blood pressure skyrocketing if the ugly puce staining her cheeks and sweat beads rolling down her forehead were any indication. Besides, the more wound up she got, the more I wondered what the hell I’d become embroiled in. If Anu discovered my treachery… I suppressed a shudder.

  Anjali took a deep breath and exhaled, hopefully purging her angst. “Yes. Very busy place and the second UNESCO World Heritage site.” She dabbed at the corners of her mouth and dusted off her hands. “Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus was formerly known as Victoria Terminal.”

  My very own walking, talking encyclopedia. Goody.

  “It’s amazing,” I said, unsure where to look first as we bid farewell to a patient Buddy again and joined the throng surging toward the station.

  Grand Central in NYC might be impressive but this place was something else entirely. A staggering feat of architecture, the station had countless archways and spires and domes and clocks that were an astounding combination of neo-Gothic, early Victorian, and traditional Indian.

  As we entered, Anjali pointed to a platform. “Over one thousand trains pass through here daily. Efficient, yes?”

  I nodded. “How many passengers?”

  “About three million.” She said it so casually, I could’ve mistaken it for 3,000.

  “Wow, this place is incredible.”

  We strolled through the station, admiring the architecture, the wood carvings, brass railings, ornamental iron, and precise detail engraved into every stone.

  As we neared the entrance, Anjali touched an archway with reverence. “So sad, the smog and acid rain is damaging this beauty.”

  I had to agree.

  “Next stop, my favorite restaurant.” Anjali rubbed her hands together in glee while my stomach rolled over in revolt.

  I didn’t dare ask why we’d skipped seeing Ghandi’s home. I knew. She’d been so rattled by my less-than-subtle harping about Anu, she needed to comfort eat. Besides, getting into a car here was living dangerously. Getting between
Anjali and her apparent love of food? I wasn’t that brave. “Restaurant?”

  “No tour is complete without a stop at Chowpatty Beach.”

  A beach? Good, maybe I could walk off the inevitable gormandizing.

  We made small-talk as Buddy commandeered the streets, dodging buses belching diesel fume and carts and people, so many people. Interestingly, my death grip on the seat had loosened considerably by the time we reached the beach. I must’ve been growing accustomed to the chaos.

  Anjali gestured toward the shore. “Now we eat.”

  We abandoned Buddy and headed for the sand, the lack of restaurants confusing me.

  Reading my mind, Anjali pointed to a row of street vendors lining the beach. “The best bhel-puri ever.”

  I’d never tried the renowned chaat, fast-food. With Anjali dragging me toward the nearest stall, it looked like I was about to.

  She ordered and I watched, fascinated, as the young guy manning the stall dexterously laid out a neat row of papadi (small, crisp fried puris—flatbreads) and filled them with a mix of puffed rice, sev, onions, potatoes, green chilies, and an array of chutneys.

  I may not have been hungry but the tantalizing aromas of tamarind, mango, and coriander made my mouth water.

  “My treat.” I paid the vendor, who gawked at Anjali as she popped three bhel-puris in her mouth in quick succession.

  I laughed, loving her exuberance for food, more accustomed to it—even after a day—than the vendor.

  “What’s so funny?” she mumbled, eyeing the remaining three.

  “I’m just happy to be here.” I took one and shoved the other two in her direction.

  “You sure?”

  I nodded. “Positive.”

  She didn’t wait, tossing the bhel puris in her mouth and sighing with pleasure.

  That good, huh? I nibbled at mine, the instant sweet/sour/spicy explosion on my tastebuds making me want to demolish it as fast as Anjali. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to pass on the others…

  Anjali grinned at what I assumed was my orgasmic expression. “We’ll come back here one evening. You’ll be amazed.”