by Gayle Keo
The stop came and Tilly got off the train, following where her phone told her to go. She turned a corner and saw a group of women gathered on the stoop of a building. They were all dressed in black and as Tilly approached, they all grew quiet and watched her.
“Does Faigy Rosner live here?” Tilly asked.
The women turned their heads away, but one finally acknowledged her after moments of tense silence.
“She does. Who are you?”
“My name is Matilda Birkeland. I, um, met Faigy at the hospital. I wanted to pay my respects.”
“She is inside,” the woman said and turned her back.
Tilly ascended the stairs and entered the apartment. There was an eerie quiet and stillness inside. Tilly immediately recognized Faigy from behind and it seemed as though Faigy felt Tilly approach as well.
Faigy whirled around. Her eyes widened in…fear? “What are you doing here?”
“I hope you don’t mind me coming,” Tilly said softly.
Faigy shook her head. “No. No, I don’t mind. I appreciate it. You didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to. How are you doing?”
“Okay, I guess,” Faigy shrugged. “I haven’t really been alone since Baila’s funeral. I’m slowly coming to terms with it all.”
“Of course you are. You just lost your child. You can take as long as you need to come to terms with it.”
“Yes,” Faigy smiled sadly. “Come, sit down. I want to know how you got my address.”
Tilly laughed nervously. “Ah, well. I looked it up on the computer. I was going to call but thought it may be inappropriate. I probably sound like a stalker.”
Faigy chuckled. “Just a little bit. But I don’t mind.”
Tilly and Faigy spent another hour talking. Neighbors came in and out, all of them eying Tilly with questioning eyes. Faigy ignored their stares so Tilly did as well. But Tilly could sense that Faigy was becoming uncomfortable. Women would pull Faigy out of the room, most likely to ask who Tilly was. Not wanting to cause Faigy any further discomfort, Tilly said her goodbyes.
“Is there a number I can call you at?” Faigy asked as she walked Tilly to the door.
Tilly rattled off her phone number to Faigy, who wrote it down.
“Calm me whenever you need me,” Tilly instructed. “I’m serious.”
“I will,” Faigy said.
Tilly didn’t want to leave but she knew it was for the best. She stuck out like a sore thumb in this Brooklyn community where women wore skirts below their knee and long-sleeved shirts. Tilly felt she had dressed rather respectively in a navy blue dress with short sleeves but she felt underdressed.
On her way back to the train station, Tilly called Jen.
“Finished already?” Jen asked.
“I didn’t come here to do anything except offer my condolences,” Tilly said defensively. She wasn’t sure if the words coming out of her mouth were true, though.
Jen sensed Tilly’s deceit. “Right,” she said slowly.
“It’s very…weird here,” Tilly said. “I don’t know. I feel like an outsider. An outsider in New York City! Imagine that.”
“Yeah, certain parts of Williamsburg and other areas in Brooklyn are dominated by one group. If you’re not from that group, you get stares, people pointing. Not fun.”
“No.” Tilly shook her head. “It’s not fun at all. Do you mind if I drop by later?”
“Not at all,” Jen replied. “I want to hear all about this woman and why you’re so attracted to her.”
Tilly heard the unmistakable bitterness in Jen’s voice but Jen hung up before Tilly could say anything. Tilly sighed and decided to head home instead.
*****
It was a week later when Tilly received a call at one in the morning. She didn’t even know how in her exhausted state of mind she managed to hear the phone ring, but she did and answered it, her voice full of sleep.
“Tilly?” it was Faigy.
That woke Tilly up. She sat upright in the bed. “Hi. Yes, it’s me.”
“I know it’s so late at night. I’m sorry. I was going to wait until the morning but…” Faigy’s voice trailed off.
“No, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”
Faigy’s voice trembled when she spoke. “Do you mind if I come to your house?”
“Um,” Tilly said. “I live all the way on the Upper East Side. Are you willing to take the trip? I could maybe meet you halfway.”
“No, I don’t want to further bother you. Give me your address and I’ll get there.”
Tilly rattled off her address and then jumped out of bed to clean up. Her apartment was a mess, which was surprising considering she was rarely in it. Clothes were strewn about, takeout boxes and trays still on the dining room table. Don’t want her to think I’m a slob, Tilly thought.
It was almost two-thirty when the intercom buzzed and Faigy’s voice blasted through. Tilly buzzed her up and waited nervously. She didn’t really believe Faigy would ever call, let alone show up at her apartment.
A knock came from the door and Tilly rushed to open it. Faigy stood on the other side, wearing a black skirt, navy blue sweater, and a multi-colored scarf over her head. A purse was slung over one shoulder.
“I hope you don’t have to work in the morning,” Faigy said with a lopsided smile.
Tilly stepped aside to let Faigy in. “No, I don’t. I’m actually taking my first vacation next week.”
Faigy set her purse on the dining room table and followed Tilly into the living room. “Oh, really? Where you going?”
“Back home to Chicago to visit my mom and some friends.”
“You’re from Chicago?”
Tilly nodded. “Well, I was born two hours away but I lived all of my adult life in Chicago.”
“That sounds nice. I wish I had somewhere to go,” Faigy said. She sat down on the sectional and removed her scarf. Tilly gasped at the fuzz of hair on top of Faigy’s head.
“We have to shave our heads,” Faigy said, noticing Tilly’s confused stare. “It’s really not too bad.”
“That’s…interesting. But I don’t judge at all. I should be the last one judging anyone.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’m a lesbian,” Tilly replied.
“I certainly don’t judge you for that,” Faigy said. She lowered her head and began to play with her fingers. “In fact, I admire you.”
“You admire me? Wow. That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.”
Faigy smiled and patted the couch beside her. “Are you happy with yourself?”
Tilly shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“That’s the biggest reason I admire you.”
“You’re not happy with yourself?” Tilly asked.
“Being a mother was the only thing that made me happy. Baila was my world. When my husband died, I thought I would be free. I wasn’t happy in the community. I wanted to take Baila and go but my parents convinced me to stay.”
Tilly wanted to hug Faigy but she didn’t know what would be appropriate or not. “Was Baila happy?”
“I believe she was. I tried not to influence her in any way. She was a good girl. Smart. Funny. If she did want to leave, she never told me. She was old enough to go.”
“Children are very intuitive,” Tilly said, bringing her knees up to her chest. “I doubt she would’ve left you anyway. You’re her mother.”
“I still can’t believe she’s gone.” Faigy sobbed. She burst into tears and Tilly sprang into action, pulling Faigy close and rubbing her back.
Tilly knew she would probably never understand or feel the pain of a parent losing a child. She didn’t want to say anything lest she say something insensitive, so Tilly just held Faigy.
“I must look ridiculous,” Faigy said as she chuckled and hiccupped at the same time.
“No, you don’t. You are allowed to cry as many times as you want here Do you want something to drink? Water? Soda?”
&nbs
p; “Water would be fine,” Faigy said with a smile.
“Coming right up.” Tilly went into the kitchen and took a water bottle out of the refrigerator. When she went back into the living room, Faigy had taken off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the couch.
“I have a spare bedroom,” Tilly said. “You are more than welcome to sleep in it.”
“Does it have a television?” Faigy asked.
“No, it doesn’t. I’m sorry.”
“I have never watched television before,” Faigy informed Tilly. “We aren’t allowed to have them. Can you turn this one on for me?”
Tilly obliged. She found herself so intrigued with Faigy every time the other woman revealed something about her life. No TV? Shaved head? Tilly was as open-minded as they came but she still found other cultures fascinating, especially one so insular as the one Faigy came from.
“It’s late so nothing good will be on at this time,” Tilly said. “Maybe National Geographic has something on.”
Tilly went to get a blanket from the linen closet and draped it over herself and Faigy as they watched a show about dolphins. Faigy looked at the TV with wide-eyed wonder.
“Faigy?” Tilly asked, her voice full of sleep.
“Hm?”
“Will you come with me to Chicago?”
“I don’t have money to go to Chicago,” Faigy said matter-of-factly.
“Don’t worry about that. I’d just really like you to come with me.”
Faigy nodded. “Okay. I’ll go with you to Chicago.”
Tilly ducked her head down and smiled. She didn’t know what was going to happen between her and Faigy in Chicago. She didn’t know how her mom or April and Deena would react to Faigy. But Tilly didn’t care. She had Faigy all to herself right now and she was going to introduce Faigy to the most important people in her life.
For Tilly, that meant everything.
*****
They arrived in Chicago early in the morning. The airport was empty and the streets were quiet. This was Tilly’s favorite time of day in Chicago. New York City had its moments of quiet but, generally, it was always crowded. People were always on their way somewhere at all times of day and night.
“Is it always this quiet?” Faigy asked, as she and Tilly made their way out of the airport to the taxi stand.
Tilly laughed. “Definitely not. It’s early. Give it until around 6:30 and you’ll see the real Chicago in action.”
They got into a cab and Tilly gave the driver Deena and April’s address. Tilly’s townhouse had sold surprisingly quick so she had no place to stay except with Deena and April. Making the two-hour journey to her mother’s house was out of the question. At least, not on the first day.
“So where are we going now?” Faigy asked. She wore a long skirt and sky blue sweater with a white collared shirt underneath. She wore the same headscarf as when she had arrived at Tilly’s house a week ago.
“My best friends April and Deena. They’re lesbian, too. Are you okay with that?”
Faigy nodded. “I’m okay with that.”
Tilly breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t want to push Faigy too far but Tilly seemed to be taking everything relatively well.
“What are they like?” Faigy asked.
“Deena is…different,” Tilly said. It was the only way she could describe her best friend. “April is homelier. You’ll see what I mean when you meet them. And their surrogate lives with them.”
“Surrogate?” Faigy said slowly.
“Yes. She’s carrying April and Deena’s baby.”
“But how is that possible? They’re both women.”
Tilly paused. It seemed that Faigy didn’t even have basic reproduction knowledge. How the hell was she going to explain IVF and surrogacy?
“April and Deena will explain. It is their life, after all,” Tilly said.
Faigy nodded and looked out the window as the taxi made its way through Chicago. She surprised Tilly by taking one of Tilly’s hands into her own and squeezing it. “Thank you for inviting me,” she said.
Tilly raised Faigy’s hand to her lips and kissed it. In that moment, nothing and no one else existed. She didn’t care that the taxi driver gave them a dirty look. All she cared about was the look of adoration in Faigy’s eyes.
The driver cleared his throat and Tilly turned her attention to him. She removed money from her wallet and thrust it at home before opening the car door and getting out, followed by Faigy. They got their bags and walked up to the apartment building. Tilly rang the intercom and announced herself when April came on.
“Tell me if you ever feel uncomfortable and we’ll leave,” Tilly told Faigy in the elevator.
Faigy rolled her eyes. “I’m an adult. I can manage.”
Tilly smiled. April and Deena’s front door swung open and Deena was standing there with a smile on her face.
“Hey girl!” Deena yelled.
Tilly laughed. “Hi, guys! I’m back!” Tilly went through her hugs and then turned to Faigy. “Deena, April, Lana, this is Faigy.”
“Hello,” Faigy said shyly.
Deena, April, and Lana hugged Faigy like they did to Tilly. While April showed Faigy to the spare bedroom, Deena pulled Tilly into the kitchen.
“Okay, spill. Where did you meet her?”
“At the hospital. Her daughter was a patient.”
“Is she Jewish?”
Tilly nodded. “Is it that obvious?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“So are you two a couple?”
Tilly paused. “I’m not sure.”
Deena shrugged. “We’ll still treat her like family. When are you going to see your mom?”
“I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow. I’m not up to making that trip right now.”
Faigy came entered the kitchen with a smile on her face. “April says we can go sight-seeing today.”
“Yeah, sure. Hopefully after we take a nap.”
Faigy laughed. “But the sun is up. That means the day has started.”
“I’m convinced doctors have their days and nights mixed up,” April said. “I’m surprised Tilly is even walking upright.”
Tilly stuck her middle finger up at April. “Don’t look to me if you ever need me to save your ass.”
“I’ll take care of you,” Faigy said.
Tilly smiled. She wanted so badly to kiss Faigy but she didn’t even know if Faigy was a lesbian. And even if Faigy was, she had to suppress it for her whole life. She was still mourning the death of her daughter. Tilly didn’t want to cause any further distress for Faigy.
“I still need a nap,” Tilly said with a chuckle. “But you can definitely take care of me.”
Tilly went to go take a nap while Faigy remained in the living room with Deena, April, and Lana. When she woke up, she was surprised to see Faigy asleep in the bed beside her. Tilly got up as quietly as she could and went into the kitchen to get herself a glass of water.
“You know she likes you, right?”
Tilly turned around to see Lana stuffing an Oreo cookie into her mouth. “What?”
“Faigy. She likes you.”
“How do you know?”
“I can tell. The way she was looking at you. It’s the way Deena and April look at one another. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed.”
“Well, it’s not like I’m an expert in these things. And she comes from a very strict community. And her daughter just died,” Tilly whispered. “Didn’t want to see things that weren’t there.”
“Well they are definitely there,” Lana said. “You two should talk. Go on a walk or something.”
Tilly considered Lana’s words. Maybe they did need to have a talk. It had been over a month since they met. If Faigy had any romantic feelings for Tilly, Tilly wanted to know.
When Faigy woke up, Tilly suggested they take a walk through Millennium Park.
“This is your city,” Faigy said, “you lead the way.”
Since Deena and April didn’t live t
oo far away from Millennium Park, Tilly decided they would walk. It was a nice day and there was no better way to see Chicago than on foot. It was much like New York in that aspect.
“So, what’s in this park?” Faigy asked. “Or is it literally just a park?”
Tilly laughed. “It’s a park with some fun things. Exhibitions, tours, sometimes public events. It’s huge.”
“Like Central Park?”
“Yeah, somewhat,” Tilly said.
After walking in silence and entering the park, Tilly found a secluded place for them to sit down. Her feet were tired and sore.
“Your doctor duties are catching up with you,” Faigy joked.
Tilly removed her sandals and rubbed the soles of her feet. “You know, I think you’re right. I’m on my feet for hours at a time.”
Faigy completely took Tilly by surprise when she leaned over and massaged Tilly’s feet.
“Does that feel better?” Faigy asked.
Tilly gulped and nodded. She remained silent, though, afraid that instead of an audible “yes”, an inappropriate “no” would come out.
After the massage, Tilly took a deep breath. “Faigy, I like you.”
Faigy smiled. “I like you, too.”
“No, I mean I really like you.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t want to burden you with anything else after Baila. I still don’t. I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. But I had to tell you or else it would eat me alive,” Tilly explained. She felt better now that her secret, if it was even a secret, was out.
“I have a lot of thoughts running through my head,” Faigy said slowly. “I have no one left in this world. My community has now most likely shunned me.”
“Why would they shun you?”
Faigy laughed bitterly. “Ah, for a multitude of reasons I don’t really feel like getting into right now.” She paused and bit the inside of her mouth. “Do you want to know a secret of mine?”
“Only if you want to tell me.”
“I do.” Faigy said. “When I was fifteen years old, I went to summer camp up in the mountains somewhere. It was an all-girls camp. I met a girl named Mindy my first week there. We were inseparable. We even switched our bunks. One night, there was some kind of camp meeting thing but Mindy and I stayed behind.” Faigy paused. “It started out as touching and soon, we were kissing. Our lives were so sheltered. We didn’t know anything. But I remember liking our kisses. Our touches went lower and lower. Then we got caught.”