by C. A. Harms
I heard the babble of Ethan and looked to my left to see Emelie standing there holding him in her arms as he held onto a package of his favorite cookies. “Hey,” I said, clearing away the old dazed fog I’d been feeling. “You get everything you needed?”
Emelie nodded her head looking over at Dana, not speaking a word. I could see the hurt look in her eyes and suddenly I felt a sense of panic.
“Dana, this is my girl, Emelie,” I reached out for Em, only she didn’t move toward me. Instead, Ethan reached out and I took him into my arms.
“I wasn’t aware you had a son,” Dana said as she watched me and Ethan with curiosity.
“It’s not his son,” Emelie said quickly, and she may as well have kicked me in the junk; it would have hurt less. “We didn’t mean to interrupt.” Before I could stop her, she snatched Ethan and stepped back. “We’re gonna go pay for these.”
“I got ’em.”
“No.” She didn’t even look at me, only watched Dana instead. “I’ve got them."
“Emelie,” I hollered after her as she moved toward the cashier at the front of the store. “I need to get going,” I told Dana, not waiting for her to respond.
When I caught up with Emelie, I touched her hip from behind and she flinched. She had never done that to me before and again, I felt the worry in me take over. “She’s an old friend.”
“Looked like she was more than just a friend.” Emelie still didn’t look back at me, though she kept her voice calm. I’m sure that had a lot to do with the fact that we were inside a grocery store with people all around.
“We dated back in high school,” I confessed, feeling like there was no reason to hide it. It was high school and those times were over. “It ended long ago.”
“You don’t look at someone that was just a high school girlfriend the way you were looking at her, Clayton.”
“And how was I looking at her?” She stepped away from me and my hand fell freely at my side as she placed Ethan’s cookies on the belt.
“Like she was someone you’ve missed,” Emelie stated, her face void of any type of emotion. “Just makes me wonder if you’ve really thought this all out. Or did you jump too soon?”
Emelie pursed her lips and I recognized the movement as one she’s done many times before when attempting to fight off the hurt she’d felt. My heart fucking ached to the extreme.
The more I tried to gain her attention the more unsettled she grew. When she gathered the bag with the cookies, she and Ethan moved toward the front door of the store and I walked behind, leaving just a short amount of distance between us. Ethan was rambling on and I reached in my packet to unlock the Explorer. I didn’t move in like I normally would to help her secure Ethan in his seat; instead I allowed her to handle it completely. When she stepped back and shut the door, I moved in quickly, caging her to the side of the car.
“Just let it go, Clayton.” I sensed the defeat in her voice.
“No.” One word, forceful to mirror the empty ache I felt inside. “I love you,” I told her even though I was speaking to the back of her head. “I’m with you because I can’t be without you, not because I feel like I have to be. I want you, Emelie. I wanted you before I knew about Ethan, and I wanted you more after. You are amazing and no one,” I forced her to turn around and face me, “no one,” I repeated the words when she was looking directly at me, “will ever fill the void your absence would leave in me.”
She tried to look away and I stepped in a little closer, using my body to hold her securely against the car. “You’re all I want, Emelie.” I rested my forehead to hers. “I’ve never felt for Dana one ounce of what I feel for you. I know I never will, because you are it for me. You and Ethan are my world.”
“I saw the way—”
“You saw me getting lost in my younger years, remembering the excitement of the games, the roar of the crowd, the adrenaline you feel when you win. You saw me cement the fact that no other woman compared to you, because that is exactly what I was feeling.” I pulled back away from Em just enough to look into her eyes. “Dana is a pretty girl, Emelie, I won’t lie and tell you she’s not. But she is not you, and you are the woman I love.”
***
“Are you sure this is okay?” Emelie asked my mother for the tenth time in the last hour. “Because though I really appreciate it, I don’t expect you to be forced to stay home and watch him while I go out.”
My mother sat on the couch with Ethan in her lap. They held a book in front of them, all worn and tattered. The binding was split from the many times it had been read, and I recognized it as one from my childhood.
“We are going to read a while, then we’re gonna go wash away the grime little boys seem to accumulate through a day’s time.” Ethan tipped his head back and looked up at my mom. “Then we’ll have us a bedtime snack.”
“I just feel terrible for leaving him when we came to visit.”
“And I feel honored to spend the evening with him.” My ma smiled at Emelie as she reached out and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “You kids go out, have dinner, enjoy your last night here. Please don’t worry."
Em stepped back hesitantly, and before she could say or do anything more, Palmer grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the door. “Let’s go, Momma, time’s a wasting.” Did I mentioned how much I loved the fact that Palmer didn’t let Em get off too easily?
When they reached the space near the door where Corbin and I waited, Emelie looked up and met my stare. I winked and suddenly her eyes averted toward the floor. We’d spent our entire day with this weirdness between us that was driving me insane. It had been there every minute since we’d left the grocery store earlier that day.
Palmer and Corbin seemed to pick up on it too as they both gave me a questioning stare. Hell, I couldn’t explain it to them because I was still fucking lost myself. She thought I wanted something more, and even though I explained I didn’t, she still remained distant.
We went to a burger joint across town, one that Corbin and I loved. It wasn’t your everyday burger stand, but one with crazy assortments. You name it, they put it on a burger, and even though some of the creations were so off the wall crazy, they still managed to taste amazing.
After Palmer and Emelie decided what they wanted, they both snuck off to find us a place to sit, leaving Corbin and myself to wait on the food. I could sense he’d been dying to ask what was going on and wasted no time doing so the minute they stepped away.
“How’d you piss her off?”
“What makes you think I did something to piss her off?” I didn’t look at him, only leaned against the railing and watched as Emelie and Palmer found a booth near the windows.
“Gee, I don’t know,” he said sarcastically. “Maybe because she can’t seem to look at you for more than two seconds. Or it could be the fact that when you touch her, she goes rigid. I know that look, man, Palmer has been tossing that shit my way since we left Gainesville.”
“Because you annoy her.”
“I’m wearing her down,” he interjected with a wide smile. “Before you know it she’ll be begging me to look her way.” My brother was an arrogant ass, much like I once was. Ya know, before I got knocked on my ass.
“We ran into Dana earlier today at the grocery store.” I saw my brother hang his head out of the corner of my eye, which perfectly described the feeling I had in my gut. Defeated and exhausted—yep, that would sum it up. “Now Em has this crazy fucked up idea that she and Ethan aren’t what I really want and that maybe I jumped into this thing with her too fast.”
“Did you?”
I looked away from the girls, fully intending to give my brother all kinds of shit, but stopped when I saw the seriousness in his eyes.
“No,” I told him without a second of regret. “Dana was a high school girlfriend. If I wanted her to be more than that, do you honestly think I could have left and moved to Florida for four years?” I looked back at Emelie and found her and Palmer in what looked lik
e a heated conversation. “I could never walk away from Emelie and Ethan. That’s how I know this is real. Just the thought of not having either of them leaves me feeling empty, gutted.”
“Then you just need to keep reassuring her of that very thing.”
I had, and though it was exhausting I would continue to do so.
Once our number was called, Corbin and I grabbed our trays and joined the girls. I chose to continue with Emelie as I would any other day, ignoring the fact that she seemed distant and quiet. Palmer obviously knew what was going on, and from the way she was continuing to force Emelie to get over it in her own little way, I knew she too saw no hesitation on my part.
I leaned back in the booth, put my arm over Emelie’s shoulder, and pulled her in to me. She came, though I knew she was still on guard; I could feel it in the way she remained stiff against me. “I love you,” I whispered near her ear and I instantly felt her shoulders rise and fall as if she’d taken in a deep breath.
Then she turned her head and looked up at me, observing my expression. “I love you too.” Suddenly I felt relieved, and up until then had no idea I had been so tensed waiting for her to respond.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Emelie
I did my very best to let go of the worried feeling inside me, those thoughts of Clayton deciding that what we had wasn’t what he thought it to be. I knew I loved him; okay, I more than loved him, but the feelings I had were so indescribable I couldn’t even manage to come up with the words.
Palmer had just given me the lecture of a lifetime and told me plain and simple I was being ridiculous and petty; I tried to move on from it. I was doing well, or so I thought, until we were leaving the burger place and practically collided with the girl who had left these concerns inside me.
Of course she was dressed to impress, making me feel frumpy in comparison. Tight shirt, showing off all her assets, and a skirt that was short and barely covered her ass. She was perfect, long slender legs, and perky non-mom boobs. I had stretch marks, and this girl looked like a china doll without any imperfection.
“Twice in one day.” She smiled brightly. “This has got to be a sign.”
Clayton only gripped my hand tighter in his when I attempted to step around them. Apparently I would once again be forced to watch their exchange.
“Oh my god!” A long shrill voice echoed around us and my body jumped in reaction to the sound. “Clayton and Corbin.” I looked around Ms. Perfection to see a short girl with red hair barreling toward us. Before any of us had time to register what was taking place, said girl launched herself at Clayton and he caught her in his free arm, hugging her close.
“Squeak,” Clayton said with a laugh, “still breaking glass with that screech of yours, I see.”
He lowered her to the ground and again I felt as if I was intruding on some type of private place in Clayton’s life. That was until he released my hand and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me in to his side tightly. “Penny, I want you to meet my girl.” The girl smiled at me without an ounce of distaste or malice. “Em, this is Penny, or Squeak.”
“The girl who was right by our side causing all kinds of shit while growing up,” Corbin said as he practically tackled the redhead and lifted her up over his shoulder. He smacked her ass hard and she wiggled in his hold.
“Touch my ass again, Corbin Powell, and I will make you squeal like the little pig you are.” He lowered her to the ground and she shoved against his chest.
“I heard all about Emelie and Ethan from Bevin,” Penny said with a smile so wide it made my own cheeks hurt. “The girl who has stolen the heart of Clayton, made him grow up, and become a man.”
I chanced a glance toward Dana as she observed us with a look of distaste, almost like she’d tasted something really bad. After a while you’d think that she would’ve just walked off, yet she remained right there watching it all. On occasion, she would add a little piece of a story that was retold, and each time that she did, I hated that she’d been there to help create that memory.
“I think I just heard you growl,” Palmer said near my ear and I waved her away, making her laugh. It was true, in my mind I was scratching her eyes out and damaging her perfect skin. The girl drove me crazy and I knew it was unfair because I didn’t know her. But had the roles been reversed, I think I would have been trying to gain the attention of Clayton, too.
***
“What are you doing?” I asked him in a whisper as I looked over toward the bed next to me. Ethan had been awake when we got home and climbed into bed with Palmer. He was now fast asleep curled into her. The three of us had shared the spare bedroom, out of respect for Clayton’s parents, though I knew Clay didn’t much care for the arrangement.
We’d hung out for a couple hours after eating, catching up with Penny. The guys seemed to really adore her, in a little sister kind of way. She was fun, I could see that in her, and she reminded me a lot of Palmer. She was kind of a badass, and not once did she ever make me feel like I wasn’t a part of Clayton’s life. She and Palmer ganged up on Corbin, and we all sat around laughing when he realized that there was no way in hell he’d come out unscathed paired against those two.
It was the first time all day I had laughed and felt less tense. But in the back of my mind, that green monster continued to lurk.
“You need to get back to your room.” I pushed against his chest as he lay over me. Instead of moving away, he held on tighter, refusing to give in.
“No,” he whispered into my ear. Using his thigh, he parted my legs and managed to wiggle into the space between. “I needed to see my girl.”
“Okay, you saw me, now get going.”
He shook his head and again I looked toward Palmer.
“You need to be quiet before you wake them up.” I narrowed my eyes at him when he hushed me and smiled. “Now kiss me.”
I made no attempt to offer him what he’d asked. “Either kiss me or I’m gonna start moaning your name real loud and everyone in the house is gonna assume we’re having sex.”
He was impossible.
I moved forward, quickly offering a peck before moving away fast, taking away his chance to prolong it.
“There, now go back to bed.” I wiggled beneath him as if I actually thought I could break free.
“Come with me.” He skimmed over the side of my nose with his own.
“No.” Again I looked toward the bed Palmer and Ethan slept in. I was worried we’d wake them. Not to mention his closeness was making it almost impossible to not grow aroused; the guy was like a magnet.
“I know you’re still upset about earlier.” Immediately I started worrying my lip. “Which means you’re still questioning what we have and I don’t know how to make you understand what I feel for you. It kills me that you think I wanted anything other than you and him.”
“I don’t.” I looked away from the second bed and back to Clayton. His eyes locked on my own and that familiar hum in my body whenever he was close ignited.
“Yeah you do,” he whispered, leaning in and this time kissing me the way I assumed he’d wanted to be kissed a few minutes ago. “I don’t want Dana, or anyone else. I want you, I always want you.”
Only seconds had passed, but I swear it felt like hours before I reached up and pulled his mouth back to my own. Palmer was right, I was being an idiot. I knew Clayton loved me, but the fear of losing him had paralyzed me and I wasn’t being fair.
“I don’t like it when you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you.” I fisted the hair at the back of his neck. “I get so scared of losing you. I’ve never had the kind of love you give me. Neither of us have.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Emelie.” I reached down between us and started to stroke him through his shorts, desperate for a connection. “Mm,” he moaned, and I kissed him again to muffle the sound.
“I want you,” I confessed, pushing his shorts lower.
I was on the pill. I also took it at the s
ame time every day, without delay. Hell, I’d had an alarm set in my phone with a screeching panic sound that went off and then two minutes later it went off again. But even then, we’d never gone without protection. But now I was almost desperate for it, hungry for the intimate message it gave.
“I need you,” I added, and I felt how eager his hands became as he pushed his shorts down, exposing himself completely.
The adrenaline was pumping through me at the idea of what was about to take place. Our movements were quick, and I almost lost it the second the head of his cock came into contact with me.
“I need to feel you,” I whispered near his ear, spurring him on. “I need all of you.”
He looked at me as he slowly pushed his hips forward, nudging my opening. With each inch I felt the ache inside me grow more intense until he was so deep my head grew fuzzy. I’d never felt anything like this, the rawness, the deep connection. I had no words to describe the impact it held.
“Fuck,” he practically growled as his body tensed and he remained perfectly still for a few seconds. I could imagine what he was feeling, because I was feeling it too. This was more than sex, it was so much more than a sense of release.
“I need more, Clay,” I wiggled my hips beneath him and he turned his head, suckling the side of my neck. Then before I could say anything more he began to move. Slow, steady strokes, pulling back to the point where he was almost out and then sliding inside me all over again.
“You feel so good,” he assured me. “Nothing better, perfect Em.” His movements picked up. “So fucking perfect, feeling you wrapped around me. Nothing between us, it’s almost maddening. I don’t wanna be quiet.”
I knew exactly what he meant. I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning or screaming out his name. With each stroke I could feel myself building.
“Damn,” he moaned, kissing me harder. “You’re getting close, aren’t you?”