by D. K. Combs
“Blaine wouldn’t save you if you were dangling off a cliff,” he growled. “She would no’ save anyone.” That was the truth. He knew from watching her, listening to her, that she was as deep as a flower pot. She held no true love for Saeran.
“I realize that now,” she whispered. He flinched. Aye, of course she did.
“Ye ken what’s amusing to me,” he said softly, wishing he could bring her hopes up. “When Blaine told me that ‘Alice’ was having an ‘affair’, she was really saying you were having an affair with yourself.”
Her face went scarlet. He laughed, kissing her temple. “Och, lass. Too innocent for yer own good.” Then he sobered. As much as he wanted to be lighthearted to ease her mood, this was too pressing, too important.
“Why did ye’ no reveal yerself when I told ye’ of my plan? I was no’ ever going to marry Blaine. All that was needed was the proposal, and she would have taken care of the rest by growing to hate me.”
“Oh, I wanted to,” she said, raising her eyes to meet his. He was struck by the sincerity in them. “The night before we left…before Blaine came in…I was thinking of it, very close to telling you…then you told me how much you detested liars and I realized that I was no better than Blaine for my lies. She always warned me that you would cast me off your lands if you ever found out…”
“Saeran. What have I ever done to make you think I would do that to you, for hiding who you were?”
“You did cast me off when you thought I was having an affair with myself,” she pointed out quietly.
“Aye, but ye’ have to remember—Alice—ye’—yer all I want. I thought someone else was taking what I thought to be mine, and then yer side of the story seemed like ye’ were confirming it. It’s two completely different situations, lass. I thought ye’d betrayed me. With this, ye’ simply deceived me—and only to protect yerself.”
Then it hit him.
She had not betrayed him. All it had been was a small deception, something to protect herself with. The woman he saw in front of him right now was terrified and hurt. She must have been like this her whole life with Blaine, even if she did not realize it. Every glance she gave him was a mixture between love and fear. The fear was not of him, but for herself. She was scared of what would happen to herself.
His heart shattered.
Blaine had been terrible to her. Enough to ruin her confidence and securities, enough to destroy the one thing she had an inborn attachment to—her strength. Blaine had cracked her strength, over and over, through the years, and Kane could see that as he gazed at her.
“I want an honest answer,” she said, drawing his attention. “If I had told you from the second Blaine left the room the last time we…we made love. Would you have been angry with me?”
“Aye.”
She dropped her gaze.
“Only because ye’ did no’ tell me in the beginning. Lass, I’m not a cruel man. Aye, I enjoy bloodshed just as much as the next warrior, but I know that everyone makes the wrong decisions when they think they’re protecting themselves. Lord, they make them even when they are not trying to protect themselves. Look at me—I’m a giant oaf of a man who is ruled by his emotions so fiercely, he canna tell when a lass like Blaine is lying to tear us a part.”
“Nay,” she said strongly. “You’re not ruled by your emotions—at least with everything. I…I understand how you lost sight of things with me, though I know with any other person, what she said wouldn’t have gotten to you. She knows how to say things, and who to say them about, to make you furious.”
“How do ye’ understand, lass?” he asked, massaging her scalp. She looked like she was struggling to keep her eyes open, and he smiled, brushing his lips over her forehead.
“I understand…because if it hadn’t been for my attraction to you…I never would have betrayed Blaine’s trust as I did when I made love to you.” Her eyes drooped, voice becoming soft. “I don’t think I would have…enjoyed it so much…with anyone other than you, and normally—normally I have very good self…restraint.”
She kept talking until her voice was nothing but a muffled sound against his chest. He was careful of her abdomen as he adjusted her in his arms so that her chest was to his back, their legs tangled.
His plan to leave her became…impossible.
“I have to leave ye’, lass. I canna ever see ye’ again” he said out loud, trying to make his words the truth. But they felt hollow, empty. Nay. He couldn’t leave her. Thinking he had the strength to in the first place showed how weak he was when it came to her. She loved him, even if she had not yet said it to him, and Kane would be a fool to not lay claim to his woman.
He would not allow his guilt to drive him away. Nor would he let his own stupidity get the better of him anymore. The anger he felt towards her could be helped. Aye, they would have to gain each other’s trust all over again, but for her…he would wait an eternity. The secrets would all come to light, eventually. Most importantly, Blaine would pay for everything she’s done to hurt Saeran.
His water nymph would always remain his, and he would protect her until the day he died.
THT | 40
I have to leave ye’, lass. I canna ever see ye’ again.”
The bed was cold. Saeran sat there, staring around her, the words from last night echoing in her head. She had wanted to say something, anything…but strength had alluded her. She had felt trapped in her own body, unable to speak.
Some part of her had prayed that he would stay, that he would still be there in the morning. Of course he hadn’t. Kane was a man set in his ways. He had felt the need to leave her…and he had. She understood. After the lying, the deceiving…It had been the heat of the moment, the relief of her survival, that he had treated her as he had last night. He’d held her like she meant something, talked to her as if he cared for her words. After all of the miscommunication, it had felt…beautiful, wonderful, painful—because she had known then that it wouldn’t last. Something always happened between them, robbing her of everything she had within her grasp.
A normal life with Kane. Happiness. Hope. Something other than the loneliness she was feeling now. Saeran shoved the thoughts aside—as she had with everything in her life. She always pushed them away. She always locked them away. Never once did she stop to dwell. It hurt too much, made her realize that she wasn’t impervious to the things she thought she was.
Her weakness didn’t bother her.
She was too numb.
Saeran rose from the bed, wincing at the stinging sensation of her abdomen. God, she felt as if she had been run over by a stampede. Her muscles trembled as she struggled to hold herself up. She couldn’t lay around. There were things she—things she had to—
The first tear fell down her cheek.
“No,” she whispered fiercely, swiping them away. “Don’t cry over him. He chose to leave you—there is nothing for you to cry over.”
The words did the exact opposite of what she had thought they would. Instead of strengthening her, they destroyed her. Kane had really, honestly left her. Just like her parents, just like Blaine. She was alone, with nothing, no one.
No Kane.
Sobs wracked her chest until she was jerking, shuddering. Weeping for things she had only dreamed of. She was always dreaming, wasn’t she? Always hoping for something she didn’t have within her grasp.
The door opened with a soft swoosh as she cried into her pillow.
“Out,” she commanded through her tears, not bothering to lift her eyes. “Please, get out.”
“Saeran?” Connor. She clutched the pillow harder, shaking her head into it. “Does it hurt? Do I need to—“
“No! Please, just leave me. I need—I need to be alone. Just let me be alone.” Because that’s all she was ever going to be. Blaine had isolated her. Kane had left her. Connor’s loyalty was to Kane and she was sure the whole entire Shaw clan had left by now, except for Connor because he was there with her.
“I wouldn’t feel
at ease if I did that,” he said gently, coming farther into the room. His feet carried him over the space of the room, until he was sitting on the edge of the bed, on the spot where Kane had lain while he held her.
A fresh wave of tears coursed down her cheeks as she stared at the spot.
“This is wrong,” she said, heartbroken. “He shouldn’t…have left. We…”
“I know,” he said, reaching out to take her hand. “I know, Sae. If he weren’t my laird, I’d be showing him a lesson right about now. If you want some time to yourself, honestly, I will let you be…”
She shook her head.
“Nay, I…Nay. I will not be sitting here, mourning him. I can’t.” But she wanted to. She desperately wanted to. She had gotten her cry out, however, and it was time to move on. Mayhap he would realize his mistake and come back for her, but she doubted that would happen. Kane was a stubborn man…and he had left for his own happiness. All she wanted for him was to be happy. If he was content without her, she…she didn’t need him.
Saeran choked down her tears, giving Connor her hand. “Help me stand, please. Then you can join them.”
“Join who?” he asked as he helped her stand. He was watching her as if she were about to explode.
“The others. Brodrick, Fergus…Kane.”
He frowned at her. “Everyone except Brodrick and Kane are here. They left sometime earlier and didn’t tell us where they were going. But other than that, everyone is here, deep in their cups.”
So Kane had been so eager to leave her that he hadn’t been able to wait for his men…
Her throat tightened. She smiled at him tightly, trying to ignore how much it hurt. There was nothing she could do about it. Running after him would make her look pathetic, and Kane valued strong women. She wouldn’t lower her pride for him, after all the times she had recently.
“Is Alan still here? No, he wouldn’t be,” she mumbled, answering her own question. “It’s been two weeks. Connor, do you still have the hemlock?”
His eyes widened. “What would you need that for?”
“Why, to take it to him and demand why he has it, and if the men who were going to meet with us before are willing to do it again.”
“Saeran, you have just woken up from the fever, and I know you are not entirely healed. Do not be stupid—you can’t possibly meet them. What if they are enemies of Kane? By now, everyone knows of you. He was by your side the whole entire time. You’re a weakness to him, Saeran.”
“Not anymore,” she said tightly. God, it hurt to talk. Not from the pain radiating from her stomach, but from how hard it was to hear his name, knowing he had left her.
“How are you even standing right now?” he asked, incredulous.
“Pure determination to find out what Blaine’s plan for me was,” she mumbled, shocked by the truth of it. That, and her determination to forget about Kane. She knew he would always be there, in her heart, but for now…she couldn’t wallow in her pain over him. “I won’t let Kane abandoning me affect me. I have to be strong.”
“Saeran…”
“Do you have the hemlock?”
“…Yes. I do.”
“Thank you. If you could bring it to me, I would—“
“I’m not giving it to you. Saeran, you’re acting on emotion right now. You’re not stopping and thinking about anything. Mayhap Kane did not leave like you think he did.”
“No, I heard him—“
“Did you not notice the way he was looking at you all night long? I obviously didn’t get to see it, but he was practically skipping this morning. Something must have happened last night that you misunderstood. Don’t shake your head at me, Saeran. You of all people experience more miscommunication than anyone I have ever met.”
“That is not the point.”
“Your right. Your irrationality is the point, and because of that, I will not let you leave this room. Plus, Kane would murder me if I let you leave!”
He wouldn’t care at this point, she wanted to say. But she didn’t. Connor was not going to take her side on this. He would force her to stay here, make her stay and think about Kane. The thought made her ill enough to hold her stomach, but that immediately turned into a gasp of pain.
She yanked her trembling hands away, going lightheaded.
“Connor,” she said thinly. “Would you help me get dressed?”
He shook his head. “I’ve already told you I will not let you—“
“I have not been in proper clothing for how long?” she asked, raising a brow. It was quickly dropped when her stomach twisted from the agony of her wound. Connor was right—she should be staying here and resting. It hurt so much that she could barely breathe, but she had already lost so much time.
“You’re not going to do anything impulsive, are you?”
She sat down on the bed, avoiding answering him. Luckily, he turned away the second her arse was on the bed. “Do you want squire clothes or a dress?”
“Squire clothes.”
He gave her a look over her shoulder.
“What? I’ve grown use to them. They’re more comfortable to lay in.”
“I don’t blame you there,” he said, chuckling. “I don’t know how you ladies survive in those dresses. The corsets become so tight you can hardly breathe. Reclining in one is almost as bad.” He popped up with familiar pieces of clothes, presenting them to her.
“Connor…how would you know what being in a dress is like?”
His face went beat red. Even though she knew it would kill her, she laughed. She couldn’t stop it, even when the pained whimpers came.
“I lived with five older sisters,” he said, glaring at her.
“I happen to remember you telling me that you took none of their nonsense,” she pointed out, enjoying when his face became even more red. Poor lad, she thought.
“I also had seven older brothers who thought it would be fun to aid in their sister’s help. Saeran, honestly. Please quiet yourself.”
She snickered again, but was dutifully quiet when he helped her to her feet. He had her turn her back on him, and then they set to work with the slow process of getting her dressed. It wasn’t embarrassing at all, to be showing him her body. One, she was too weak to be self-conscious, and two, she needed his help no matter what. If she wanted to have any chance of finding Alan, she had to be dressed.
Lord, this was going to be terrible.
Connor stepped away from her, admiring his handiwork, then gently guided her to the bed. “I’m too young to be murdered by Kane, so you’re going to lay in bed until he returns. Do you understand?”
She slid into the bed without a fight, holding her breath. God. Everything hurt. It was as if the pain in her abdomen was spreading through her whole body and making her joints ache. She was quiet as Connor walked to the door.
“Saeran?”
“Aye?”
Connor seemed to hesitate. His voice was slow, as if he were planning his words, when he finally spoke. “Kane is…not a perfect man. He tries his hardest to understand and forgive, but just like you, he’s ruled by emotions too strong for him to fight. He might have thought of leaving you, but his heart won’t let him. Wherever he disappeared to, he’s coming back for you.”
“Nay, he…”
“Listen to me, Saeran. He hasn’t done a great job of being a selfless man with you as of late. There has been so much going on for him lately. He has been trying his hardest to do right by you. Brodrick and I know him better than anyone, so when I say that him planning to leave you was for your own sake, I’m confident in this.”
“Leaving me would have done him more good than I,” she whispered, staring at her lap.
“Yes, but he doesn’t see it that way. He has—albeit indirectly—treated you terribly. He has put you through things no woman has ever had to go through before. Do you know how guilt-ridden he has been these past two weeks? He feels that what happened to you while you lied to him was his fault.”
Her eyes
flipped up to meet his. “But—“
“Saeran. You know how his sister was killed. She was brutally raped and murdered by her own husband, a man Kane knew not to give her to. But still he did, and she was the one who paid the price with her life. I think, deep down, he might have known you were actually a woman. Not enough for it to come to the forefront, but he’s not a stupid man—he saw the signs. He was simply too blind by his love for you to take note of anything but the stunning woman he craved to see all day.”
She blushed, but shook her head. “Kane can’t love me, he—“
“I’ve never seen him more enamored by a woman than he is with you,” he said fiercely. “He has lost everyone important to him. He had the weight of a clan on his shoulders when he was a child and he had to watch his mother and brother be taken away in front of his eyes. His sister was murdered when he could have protected her. He’s been too terrified of loving someone and losing them to start a family all his life, and then you come along.
“With one look, he was taken by you. We thought he would never find a wife or love someone. When we brought you here? The guilt and self-hatred was eating him alive. He’s never cared so much about someone to stay by their side, without leaving the, for two weeks. He bathed you and cared for you and calmed you when he should have been home with his clan. So don’t you ever say he doesn’t love you. I can tolerate any of your silly notions except that one.
“Kane is my laird. He will always have my loyalty. I won’t let both of your foolish heads ruin a perfect match, so shut your mouth, lay back, and close your eyes until he returns. Understand?”
She stared at him…then nodded slowly. “Aye. I…understand.”
“Good. I’ll have Mabel bring you some soup so you can get something in your stomach. Other than that, you’re not moving from that spot.”
“Yes, sire,” she muttered, leaning into the bed. He gave her a warning glare and then exited the room, closing the door firmly behind him. Saeran sat there for a moment, thinking.
Connor had never been wrong before, as much as she hated to admit that, but there was always a time for firsts. She had clearly heard Kane say that he had to leave her, that he was going to leave her. Though it had been right before she had fallen asleep, she knew she would never be able to unhear those words. The devastation that had wrung her heart had only been cleared out by the strength of her exhaustion.