“But you haven’t even bothered to see him since you walked out last Christmas Eve.” The memory iced Caroline’s spine and she stiffened.
“Since when did you become such a big fan of Ruff’s? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with him?”
“That was before.”
“Before what?”
“Before you abandoned him and I had to watch him cry every day for two months until the poor thing finally realized you weren’t coming back.”
Herbert huffed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Caroline. Dogs don’t cry. They’re just dumb animals.”
“If Thursday’s so dumb, how did he figure out how to open my nightstand drawer and find my chocolate, hmm?” She braced her fists against her hips, jutting her jaw proudly.
“Still hording chocolate, huh?” Herbert looked her up and down with a sneer that made Caroline painfully aware of every extra pound on her frame. “I knew you’d never lose the weight.”
Caroline pinned him with a frigid glare. “I could come back with a crack about knowing your hair would never grow back either…but that was before I spotted the hair plugs.” She eyed his dotted scalp and laughed. “It’ll take more than a hair transplant to beat middle age, Herbie.”
“I have everything I need.” He pulled the pregnant moppet close, kissing the top of her head. “Don’t I, baby?” he said to Bunny, who cooed in response.
He returned his attention to his ex-wife. “Let’s not make this ugly. Don’t force me to file a lawsuit, Caroline.”
Oh God! Caroline felt the hot rush of tears rising to the surface and squelched them. The last thing she wanted was to have Little Miss PG Teen America and her heartless hair-plugged ex see her crumple into a sniveling heap.
“I wasn’t ready to take the dog before,” Herbert said. “The baby’s due anytime. I want Ruff to be there when it arrives. That way he and the baby will have a chance to bond right away. Plus, he’ll be good company for Bunny and the baby while I’m at work.”
“Please, Herbert…I’m begging you. Don’t take him away from me.” Caroline couldn’t stop the sob that escaped.
“You’re making this more difficult than it has to be, Caroline.” Herbert tugged at his collar and stretched his neck. “Come on, Ruff. Time to go,” he called, before giving a shrill whistle. “Ruff! Here, boy. Let’s go.”
“No! Thor’s Day stay Caroline!”
Gasping at the sound of Erik’s booming voice, Caroline whipped her head around. She almost peed in her pants when, in full Viking regalia, he strode into the room from the kitchen, Thursday trotting at his side. She fought the urge to run to the mirror before she remembered that a little primping couldn’t change the sad fact that she looked like a dishrag.
“Who the fuck is that?” Herbert squawked through a drop-jawed, bug-eyed expression.
“Yeah. Wow. Who is that?” the pregnant moppet said longingly as she watched the glorious half-naked Viking strut his stuff.
Caroline was speechless. It took her a minute to realize that Erik must have come in the back door, which she’d left open because of her repeated trips to the trashcan while cleaning Thursday’s mess.
Erik kept his eyes on Caroline, issuing the same warm, reassuring smile he’d offered her the day before. “I be Erik the Blond,” he announced, flexing his impressive muscles and clapping the shield against his chest. Boldly seizing Caroline into his arms and bending her backwards, he swooped over her and took her mouth in a ravenous, passionate kiss.
“Oh…Erik,” Caroline whispered when their lips parted. He smiled down at her and winked. Even in the midst of all this turmoil, she felt that familiar tickle as her pussy quivered.
“Caroline be my woman,” Erik announced. “I be Caroline’s lover.” He stood tall and defiant, tugging Caroline close to his side and wrapping a protective arm around her. “I here for Caroline never be lonely again.”
It had to be the most romantic moment in Caroline’s entire life. And, oh God, how she wished to hell she wasn’t dressed like a scrubwoman and didn’t reek of dog puke.
“Holy shit,” Bunny breathed. The inordinately large wad of bubble gum fell out of her mouth. Herbert bent to retrieve it for her because her belly was so big. “That was, like, super sexy.” She unwrapped a fresh stick of bubblegum and popped it in her mouth.
“Bunny!” Herbert chastised, yanking her arm.
“Oops.” Bunny’s hand flew to her mouth and she giggled and then turned her attention to Thursday, uttering a round of disgustingly sappy baby talk.
“Come on, Ruffy-Puffy-Duffy. Good wittle doggie-woggie.”
“Thursday doesn’t respond to baby talk,” Caroline pointed out. “He hates it.”
“Aw, woo don’t wike baby talk, wittle Ruffy?”
When Bunny started smooching the air, Caroline wanted to smack her right back to the college dorm where she belonged. Unfortunately, Thursday chose that point in time to make a complete fool out of her by doing his look-how-cute-and-adorable-I-can-be routine in answer to Bunny’s continuing prattle of baby babble. It was that inferior male brain of his. If Thursday had been a female, he would have been savvy enough to squat and pee right on the pregnant pubescent’s sneakers.
With a reproving tsk, Erik yanked on the dog’s collar. “Thor’s Day be good. Act like man,” he admonished with gentle firmness. Thursday licked his chops and then sat obediently at Erik’s knee. Caroline was amazed. It appeared that her Viking lover had plenty of skills outside the bedroom too.
“Hey, Herbie. What if we call him Ruff Thursday? Isn’t that just so cute?”
“Will you please knock it off, Bunny,” Herbert said, clearly irritated.
Offering a clueless shrug, Bunny blew another bubble. “Uh-oh. Guess I made another oopsie.”
“You not be good man, Herbert,” Erik said, taking a step forward and jabbing a menacing finger toward Herbert. “Make Caroline pain in heart.” He thumped his chest. “You go now.”
“Are you threatening me?” Herbert spat. “Is he threatening me?” he repeated to Caroline. “Because I’ll sue Mr. Fancy Pants here in the blink of an eye if he so much as lays a finger on me.”
“No.” Placing one hand against Erik’s chest, Caroline held the other out to Herbert, stop-sign fashion. “He’s just trying to protect me, Herbert.” She turned to Erik and smiled. “Thank you, my wonderful Viking lover, but I have to let Thursday go.” A fat tear trickled down her cheek. “Legally he belongs to Herbert, even though Herbert is a—”
“Son of a jackass,” Erik offered through an arresting sneer that could send the bravest of men running for cover. “A rotten buster.”
“Bastard,” Caroline corrected, and Erik nodded in agreement.
“Viking lover,” Herbert mumbled under his breath with a chuckle. “That’s really rich. Muscleheads like him don’t take overweight matrons—especially ones who smell like they just rolled through puke—as lovers. Unless they’re paid to. What did you do, rent yourself a stud for a little Christmas whoopee?” He chuckled again. “The guy is probably gay. All those male model types are.”
“Oh, Herbie.” Bunny frowned. “That was a terrible thing to say to Mrs. Conlon. And I really don’t think Mr. Blond is gay.” She smiled at the Viking, fluttering her lashes.
“Thank you, Bunny,” Caroline said kindly. “But you’re the only Mrs. Conlon now, dear.” Damn if she didn’t actually feel sorry for the little homewrecker.
Erik closed the distance between Herbert and himself with a couple of long strides. Everyone gasped as he grabbed the smaller man by the shirt and lifted him off the floor. “You listen, squeaking pipe…” He turned to Caroline with a quizzical expression. “That right?”
Glancing from Erik to the dangling Herbert and back again, Caroline cleared her throat. “Um…I think you mean pipsqueak,” she offered.
“Pipsqueak,” Erik bellowed into Herbert’s ashen face.
“Put me down this instant, you crude behemoth,” Herbert blustered.
Erik held tight. “Caroline beauty. Not old. Not fat. Not need pay money for sex. Understand? Maybe she smell of retching, but still be beauty to me.”
Caroline and Bunny dissolved into audible sighs at the same time.
“You right,” Erik added. “I be gay.” He proudly clapped his chest with his other hand and Caroline nearly fainted.
“You’re gay?” she said, shoulders slumping.
“Yes.” Erik grinned and nodded as he set Herbert back on his feet. “Big gay.”
Caroline groaned. Maybe all wasn’t lost. After all, he could be bisexual.
“What did I tell you?” Herbert said with a smug snicker. “He’s a queer.”
Erik looked at Caroline. “What queer mean?”
“Homosexual. That you like to have sex with men,” Caroline said dejectedly.
Erik looked stunned. “No! Erik not homosexual. Erik be gay!” He shook his head in frustration. “Gay. Happy. Joy.” He drew Caroline into his arms again and kissed her tenderly, zapping an electrified charge straight to her clit. “I be gay for Caroline to be my woman. Understand now?” he said, directing the question to Herbert.
Caroline’s cheeks hurt from smiling so wide. She took one look at Herbert’s dazed expression and her grin grew even wider. “Oh, I think he understands perfectly now, Erik.”
Herbert dug into his pocket, pulling out his cell phone. “I’m going to have you arrested for assault and battery, you big ox.”
Erik laughed. “I think no.” He snatched the phone from Herbert. “I know you teach university. I teach university too.”
Herbert, Bunny and Caroline all slanted Erik bewildered looks. Even Thursday cocked his head.
“What are you talking about?” Herbert said.
“You English professor, yes?” Herbert nodded and Erik grinned. “I Scandinavian Studies professor.”
“You’re what?” the three chorused in disbelief.
“Bullshit,” Herbert said, crossing his arms over his chest. “How can you teach college-level courses? You can’t even speak English. And you sure as hell aren’t a professor at the university because I’d know about it.”
“I have best university teacher for English,” Erik said. “Begin teach new term after snow,” Erik explained, looking to Caroline for guidance.
“The spring term?” she said.
Erik nodded. “Spring. I speak good English for teach spring term.”
“Ridiculous.” Herbert huffed a humorless chortle. “I’m the best English professor there.”
“No. Einarr Johannesen best.”
“Professor Johannesen?” Erik had Herbert’s full attention now. “The chair of the university’s English department?” he said incredulously.
“I be Einarr cousin.” Erik arched an eyebrow, clearly enjoying Herbert’s dismay.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Caroline said as Herbert went ashen again.
“Einarr best friend long time. Maybe I tell Einarr you be rotten buster. Bastard,” he corrected before Caroline could chime in. “You go now, take child bride. Thor’s Day stay Caroline. Maybe Erik not tell Einarr.”
“That’s blackmail,” Herbert spat.
“Not know this blackmail word. But sound good. Go.” Erik pointed to the door.
With a nervous swipe of his tongue across his lips, Herbert stood stock still, evidently deep in thought. “Maybe Ruff would rather be with me,” he said to Caroline. “Have you considered that? If you really love him, you want him to be happy and well cared for, right?” Herbert knew the right buttons to push to make her feel selfish and guilty. “I’ll make you a deal if you promise to keep your caveman off my back.”
Caroline blanched. What if Thursday really would be happier with Herbert and Bunny and their baby? He wouldn’t have to spend the days alone while Caroline was at the office. Maybe Herbert was right. “What do you want, Herbert?”
“Let the dog choose. Leave the decision up to Ruff. We’ll both call him and whoever he comes to keeps him.” Herbert glanced up at Erik, who transmitted a seething glare. “But, remember, if I win then you see to it that loverboy keeps his mouth shut about me to my department head.”
“Not good to deal with devil,” Erik said, shaking his head.
“It’s a deal,” Caroline said quickly.
Caroline and Herbert positioned themselves at the far end of the living room while Erik held Thursday by the collar.
Removing his hand from his pants pocket, Herbert raked his fingers through his hair before squatting and patting his knee. “Come on, Ruff. Come on, boy,” he called.
“No cheat! You wait Erik count!” Erik admonished. The Viking got on one knee and, placing his hand against his heart, he whispered something in Thursday’s ear while stroking the dog. Thursday responded by licking his face. “En. To. Tre. Go!” Erik counted in Norwegian before releasing the dog and giving him a pat on the rump.
Caroline bent low and clapped her hands. “Thursday, you want to stay with me, don’t you, boy? Come on, sweetie.” She patted her knees. “Come to Mama.”
Herbert whistled. “Ruff! Here, boy.”
Tail wagging and tongue lolling, Thursday looked from Caroline to Herbert and back again before padding forward and making a beeline for Caroline. Her heart leapt with joy. But when Thursday was a foot away from her Herbert extended his hand toward the dog and snapped his fingers.
Thursday cocked his head, sniffed and flashed Caroline a gleeful canine grin before licking her ex-husband’s hand, jumping up on him and baptizing Herbert’s face with slurpy licks.
“Good boy,” Herbert said triumphantly as he roughhoused with the dog.
Caroline sucked in a tortured gasp. “Oh, Thursday,” she whimpered, sounding like someone who’d just lost her best friend. The dog turned, slanting her a questioning look.
Rising to his feet, Herbert wrapped two fingers under Thursday’s collar and yanked hard. Thursday looked at Caroline a moment longer and then turned, following Herbert.
“I won fair and square.” Herbert jabbed an accusatory finger toward Caroline as he stood near the front door and reached for the doorknob. “You’d better live up to your part of the bargain.” He opened the door and Thursday merrily pranced alongside Herbert as he and Bunny left the house.
Caroline’s heart splintered into a million shards.
Chapter Four
“I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Thursday forever.”
Erik wrapped his arm around Caroline, squeezing her close and whispering soothing Norwegian words in her ear as she stared out the window. “Caroline not worry. Thor’s Day come back. I know. I promise.”
When Herbert’s car pulled away from the curb, she released the curtain, letting it fall back into place. Caroline collapsed into tears. Then she started to laugh through her sobs when she realized she hadn’t been nearly this upset when Herbert walked out a year ago.
“Sad. I know.” Erik continued to soothe her. “But Caroline not cry. Not lose Thor’s Day.”
“Thank you so much for trying to help me, Erik,” she managed through her tears. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here supporting me. I will never, ever forget it.” She took in a deep breath and heard a ruckus outside. Peering out the window, she saw Herbert’s car stopped in the middle of the street half a block from the house.
“Thor’s Day much bark,” Erik said.
And then came the raised voices of Bunny and Herbert. The passenger-side door of the car opened and Thursday sprang out. Barking like a rabid animal, he headed for the house. Herbert sprinted after him with Bunny waddling behind them both.
Caroline hauled the door open and Thursday jumped at her so hard she fell to the floor—right in the midst of the caked-on dog barf. Thursday licked her face and wagged his stubby tail so fast it seemed to be electrified. She started to laugh and cry at the same time and then she heard Bunny screeching something.
“He cheated! Herbie cheated.”
“Shut up, Bunny!” Herbert
said, jerking her arm.
Glaring at her husband, Bunny yanked her arm free. “When Thursday realized we were leaving without you,” she said to Caroline, “he put up a fit trying to get out of the car. He like totally clawed up the leather interior.”
“God damn it!” Herbert pounded the doorjamb.
“Herbie’s got a chocolate bar in his pocket. He rubbed it on his fingers and hair. That’s why Thursday came to him instead of you. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I felt so bad for you and—”
Erik threw his head back in laughter. “Cheating son of a jackass.”
Herbert took a step toward Caroline. “This is your fault, Caroline. You brainwashed my dog somehow.” He reached for the dog’s collar and Thursday bared his teeth, looking for all the world like a devil-dog from hell. His growl was so menacing it sent chills up Caroline’s spine. It must have had a similar effect on Herbert because he took a few steps back.
“Oh, Thursday, you really do love me, don’t you?” Caroline gave him a hug and he slobbered a lick across her face.
“Time you go,” Erik said, giving Herbert a light shove.
“Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod,” Bunny cried before Herbert had a chance to respond to Erik.
“Now what, big mouth?” Herbert growled.
Bunny clutched her big belly. “Herbie, you better get me to the hospital. I think the baby’s coming!”
“Now? You have to do it now?”
“Dammit, Herbert, stop your fucking whining and get me to the fucking hospital. Now!”
Caroline had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. Erik took her hand then and squeezed. She looked up and saw the corner of his mouth twitch.
“Fine,” Herbert said to Caroline as he put his arm around Bunny. “Keep the damned dog. He’s more trouble than he’s worth.” And then he said to Thursday, “You had your chance, Ruff. I’m getting a puppy to replace you.”
“Looks like I’m not the only one being replaced by a younger model, Thursday,” Caroline said with a wink.
“Herbert!” Bunny growled.
Herbert patted Erik’s arm. “No hard feelings, okay, buddy?”
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