“Try me.”
“No!”
“I’ll do it,” he warned.
“Go away!”
“Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes. Five. All I need is five minutes.” His voice lowered to a pleading rasp. “Kady, please.”
There was a moment of contemplative silence from the other side and Tristan was sure he’d finally convinced her. But when more minutes trickled by and she still didn’t unlock the door he got worried.
“Kadence?”
“Please,” she said finally, wearily. “Just leave. Leave me be.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“If you care anything about me at all… You won’t come back here. Not ever.”
Hearing his own harsh words thrown back in his face, Tristan felt his heart sink. “Kady…”
“I mean it, it’s over. This time for good. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.”
Despair shivved him between the ribs.
Clutching his hair, Tristan slumped back against the door, and feeling his legs give out slid to the ground. Like a homeless person in a doorway he just sat there, destitute and forlorn. How had his life come to this?
Head inclined toward the keyhole, he entreated, “If you won’t open up, will you at least listen?”
“There’s nothing left to say.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. There’s plenty to say. I have plenty to say. Things I should’ve told you long ago. Things I didn’t have the guts to admit. Let me get out what I flew all this way to tell you and I promise you won’t hear from me again. Not unless…you want to.”
By echoing the plea Kady used when she snuck into the confessional three months ago, he’d hoped to soften her. When she didn’t respond either way, he took it as tacit permission to continue. Like a little kid he brought his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs, then taking a bracing breath Tristan began.
“I was nine years old when I heard the calling.”
His exhale was long and deep.
“Hard to believe a boy that age would hear the voice of God calling him to the priesthood. But it wasn’t literally like that. I didn’t see the Burning Bush. A lightning bolt didn’t come down and zap me with religion. But something profound definitely happened to me. It was if overnight a peaceful calm had come over me, a kind of euphoria I’d never felt before. For lack of a better explanation, I was filled with the Holy Spirit. My future was suddenly so clear to me, so simple. I didn’t need to question my life’s purpose. God took away the anxiety and laid a path for me to follow.”
It took Tristan a moment to find his voice again.
“Then you came along and messed everything up.” He gave a soft, sardonic chuckle. “You had me worried. Maybe not so much in the beginning. Not when we were kids. It wasn’t until we got older that I realized my feelings for you were exceeding my love for God.”
Oh shit, he was going to fucking lose it. Could feel the waterworks starting. To stave off the onslaught of emotions and buy himself some time, he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“For years I tried to fight it but in the end had to concede that you, Kadence Janacek, you were my real destiny all along. And damn if that didn’t terrify me. Made me so afraid of what I thought had been my purpose in life was an untenable lie. I couldn’t accept the possibility at first. I was confused. I began to doubt if I heard God at all. I didn’t trust that He may have had something else in mind for me.”
I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Tristan figured Kady would’ve said something by now but she didn’t. Not a word.
Well hell, could he blame her? Everything he said sounded like he was just trying to explain it all away, just offering her up a litany of canned excuses. It wasn’t even what he came here today to say. Shoving to his feet, Tristan faced the door and prayed she was still listening on the other side. His vision was wavy with tears.
“I’m sorry,” he choked. “I’m sorry, Kadence. For everything.” That was what he needed to tell her. “I accused you of running away when I was the one who drove you away. I was the fool doing all the running. From the truth, from fate, from my own need of you. I thought choosing you made me a coward. Like I was taking the path of least resistance instead of the one I believed God had laid out for me. But loving you doesn’t make me weak. With you I feel as strong as Samson. Yet Samson lost his strength when his hair was cut off. What I’m trying to say in a metaphorically roundabout way… You’re my hair, Kady.”
Fuck did that sound stupid.
Bracing the door, Tristan hung his head between his arms. “The only thing I can do now is beg for your forgiveness. I’ll understand if you’re not able to give it, but I have to try. So I’m begging you. Please…” Save me. Love me. “Forgive me.
The long stretch of silence was crushing.
“Kadence?”
He prayed she’d throw open the door, jump into his arms, and say all was forgiven. The priest prayed harder for that to happen than for anything he ever had in his entire life.
Please My Blessed Father… Please get her to open the door. Please.
But she didn’t.
Trying hard not to let his hope blow away like so much dust in the wind, he convinced himself that in time Kady would find it in her heart to forgive him. She would. She had to. So short of throwing himself in front of a train—which was probably no less than he deserved—there wasn’t much more he could do now except give her space.
He counted ten Mississippi’s before stepping back from the door. With his heart clinging tenaciously to the comforting words of Corinthians 13:7-8, Tristan Cleary then walked quietly away.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
last chapter
“Penny for your thoughts.”
Kadence ruffled the overgrown wisps of blonde hair at Tristan’s nape as they sat side by side on top a picnic table.
They were watching the lake and all the activity invoked by the Labor Day heat and sunshine—kids splashing in the shallows, sunbathers frying on the pebbly beach, paddle boarders navigating the crystalline waters…
“I was just thinking about the last time I was here.”
His eyes shuttered at the painful memory. Of kneeling in the dirt. Tearing at his scalp. Begging the Lord not to alter his current course.
Hear my cry, O God. Listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint.
Tristan had desperately needed reassurance that he was still for the priesthood. That his purpose in life was to continue serving God. He refused to accept that perhaps another path had been laid out for him, leading straight to the one person he had tried for years to forget.
“It was deserted. Quiet.” He cracked a wry smile. “As a church.”
Kady took his hand, stroking the palm thoughtfully. “Do you miss it much?”
“Sometimes,” he confessed. “But not anything like I missed you.”
His fingers absently played with hers as he gazed back out at the water, expression serene and mood reflective.
Seven weeks. It had taken Ryan Tristan Cleary seven miserable weeks (not counting the eleven years in between) to admit to himself that the only way he wanted to spend his life on earth and in all eternity was with Kadence Janacek by his side.
Kadence Cleary, he amended to himself, face splitting into an uncontainable grin.
“What’s so funny?”
Tristan shook his head. “I was an idiot.”
After Kady had returned to Portland, he’d tried resuming life as Father Cleary but the feeling of emptiness persisted. Though he was able to use God to fill the void in his soul, it was his heart that remained a black hole. Summer in Indiana had never felt so endless or so desolate, every day a test of his religious faith and emotional mettle.
It wasn’t the temperature that left him feeling
like he had glacial water tumbling through his veins (the heat wave had set a new state record) it was the loneliness and longing slowly turning Tristan to ice. He didn’t just miss Kady he ached for her. She was the first thing he wanted to see when he woke up in the morning and the last when he closed his eyes at night. The realization was immense. The idea of that not happening inconceivable.
“What?” Kady asked self-consciously. Tristan’s smoky eyes were roaming her face as if they couldn’t get enough of looking at it.
“I love you.”
He meant to say it lightly but the significance of the words held too much weight. He felt his heart tighten. With emotion. With passion. With such a profound sense of joy it overwhelmed him. He never imagined he could feel this blissfully fulfilled.
He also couldn’t help fearing it could all disappear in a flash.
“I love you, too,” Kady returned.
“No, you don’t understand. I love you so much it scares me sometimes.”
Her eyes searched his questioningly.
“It kills me when I think how I almost lost you… Did lose you. And in losing you I lost myself. You’re part of me, Kady. As vital as the blood pumping through my veins. The heart beating in my chest. But I didn’t know any of that until it was almost too late. God, how many times I hurt you…” He turned his head away in shame.
Kady cupped his jaw and gently guided his face back to her, vaguely noting how taut the muscles were. “Baby, look at me. What’s past is past. I’ve forgiven you. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up.”
Three days after Tristan had delivered his gut-wrenching apology to Kady’s apartment door, she’d gone after him. Drove her rental car from the airport straight to St. Ben’s intending to surprise him. Was even planning to sneak into the confession booth to do it. But when she showed up at the church, an interim priest informed her Father Cleary was “no longer in residence.”
The news shocked her to the core. But that was absurd. Impossible. What in God’s name had happened in the last seventy-two hours? Confused and frantic, the next place she went looking for Tristan was at his grandmother’s.
Giving Kady a tearful and heartfelt hug, Charlotte Cleary confirmed the unfathomable. Yes, Tristan had really left the Church. Before Kady had a chance to ponder what his defection might mean, Charlotte told her he’d jumped on a plane bound for Portland that very same morning. Was probably already camped out on her doorstep as they spoke.
Obviously Tristan had changed his mind about waiting for Kady to make the next move. He informed his grandmother he was going back for her, and with God as his witness was going to make her his again, for good this time. He and Kadence were meant to be together. And that, as they say, was fucking that.
Arrogant, pigheaded man.
Smiling at the memory Kady brushed her thumb over Tristan’s damp lashes. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? We’re stuck with each other. No matter what. For better or for worse. Remember?”
How could he forget their wedding vows exchanged only one month earlier? It was the best damn day of his life. Well, second best next to Kady taking him back.
Just as his grandmother predicted, he’d been waiting outside her apartment when she got home the next day. From all the back and forth flying she’d done over the last forty-eight hours she was understandably exhausted. Despite her weary, disheveled appearance, Tristan had never seen a more beautiful sight than the woman he loved walking toward him. With Nana’s diamond ring burning a hole in his pocket, he’d held out his arms to Kady like a drowning man reaching for a life preserver and pulled her into his embrace.
Less than three days later they were in Vegas getting married in a little chapel adjoining their hotel’s casino, the six-minute ceremony officiated by a geriatric Elvis impersonator with his wife-slash-organist the sole witness. Tristan would’ve preferred pledging his love and devotion to Kady at Saint Ben’s in front of their family and friends with his entire congregation present, but according to Canon Law, despite his “resignation” he couldn’t be un-ordained and was technically still a priest. Which meant he was also still prohibited from marrying, let alone in a Catholic church. It was his one regret. About the wedding, anyway. Regarding Kadence he had many.
“I don’t deserve you,” he told her.
“Perhaps not,” she replied with a cheeky grin. “But you’ve got me.”
He leaned in, the tender kiss he gave his wife coming from everything that he was. “I love you,” he whispered.
His warm breath tickled her ear. “Thought you fucking hated to repeat yourself,” she giggled, scrunching her shoulder.
“Yeah, well, get used to it, sweet girl. I intend to say those three words to you as many times a day as you can stand to hear them.”
“So when did you know?”
“That I loved you? When I was eleven.”
“I mean, when did you realize… You know.”
“That I was doomed?”
Her smile turned serious. “That you were in love with me.”
“Forgive me, father.”
She gave him a quizzical look.
Cupping the sides of her face, he gazed deep into her eyes. “You had me at ‘forgive me, father.’ ”
Before the tears welling up in her eyes had a chance to spill, he slid a hand behind her neck and pulled Kady in for another kiss. A kiss that fused lips and mouths as well as hearts and souls.
“Hey mister!”
Tristan went still. Cocking one eye open he waited and listened, hoping the “mister” in question was somebody else.
“Hey! Hey, excuse me.”
Damn.
Reluctantly withdrawing his tongue from his wife’s mouth he broke away from her, and with a sigh of exasperation got to his feet to investigate.
“Can I help you?”
A boy about eight was standing outside the chain link fence surrounding the off-leash dog area, pointing to a small pitbull with a tennis ball in its mouth playing keep away with a black lab twice its size. “That your dog?”
“One of ’em,” Tristan said, giving Kady a wink over his shoulder.
He watched Moxie tear around the grassless field agilely dodging the other dog (taunting it in fact) while a portly pug with white eyebrows was trying unsuccessfully to keep up.
“Your dog stole my dog’s ball,” the kid accused. “And he won’t give it back.”
“She,” Tristan corrected off-handedly as he entered the paddock. Knowing it would be useless chasing her down, he whistled and shouted, “Moxie! Moxie, come.”
Skidding to a halt, the pitbull runt wheeled sharply at her master’s voice, her perforated ears erect. When she saw him, Moxie took off like a rocket and launched herself into his open arms.
He caught the eighteen-pound cinder block of muscle with a grunt and carried her back to the boy. Wrestling the drool-soaked ball out of Moxie’s mouth, he handed it back to him.
“Sorry about that.”
The kid took the proffered ball, and with a curious grimace asked, “What happened to his eye?”
“She lost it in a fi—accident.”
“Oh.”
After a moment, he shrugged and went back to playing fetch with his dog, hurling the frayed tennis ball over the fence at the black lab’s feet. No sooner did it hit the dirt than a wily Jack Russell snatched it away—to the kid’s utter dismay.
“Here, Kevin. Come on, boy! Come on, Kev.”
Kady was squatting by the gate, clapping her hands trying to coax the wheezing pug to come to her, fully aware there was a ninety-nine-point-nine percent chance the obstinate little beast would simply ignore her. Which he did. Blatantly.
Under her breath she muttered, “Damn dog.” But as she started toward him she was smiling.
Out of nowhere a motley pack of dogs whirled around them, kicking up a dust storm that caused the brachycepahlic pooch to toss out a rapid succession of little doggy sneezes. Kady scooped him up, and hugging him against her chest like a b
ag of rice strode back to her waiting family.
Leashing up both dogs Tristan said, “Let’s go home.”
From the paddock the young boy watched the couple as they walked toward the parking lot, heading for a motorcycle retrofitted with a sidecar. Their faces beaming… arms wrapped around each other’s waist… two tired but contented canines trailing behind them.
epilogue
Still can’t fucking get over it.
Can’t believe we recently had our one-year anniversary. Celebrated it camping out at Lake Eclipse with the dogs. The experience was so awesome I’m already making plans for our Golden. Which is fifty years if you didn’t already know. Been thinking Caribbean cruise maybe, with all our family and friends on board. Family that would include (if I were to have it my way) our six kids and a gaggle of grandchildren. The Good Lord did say, be fruitful.
Fuck, this beautiful life I’m living!
The road getting here was damn long and couldn’t have been rockier yet I wouldn’t change a thing if a less arduous journey meant any outcome other than this one. Every morning I fall on my knees and thank my Lord and Savior for leading me here. For gifting me with Kadence. My best friend, my lover, my soul-mate…
My fucking everything.
In case you’re wondering, yes she did go back to college to finish her degree. She just got done with her second year, and even though she has two more to go before obtaining her Bachelor of Science in Nursing, it’s one step closer to her goal of being a pediatric RN. She already has her heart set on working at Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital. While it isn’t exactly in our neck of the woods, Indianapolis it isn’t so far away that a forty-five minute commute is going to deter her from finally realizing her dream.
And me…? Come on, haven’t you already guessed where I ended up? Second Chances isn’t just the name of my new place of employment, it’s also what I’ve been given. I knew going into it that helping run a non-profit wouldn’t make me rich, but Mr. Hopper was right, the non-monetary rewards are priceless. Kind of ironic how I’m now in the business of saving dogs whereas before it was the saving of souls.
FATHER: Men of the Cloth - Tristan (Forbidden Priest Romance 1) Page 25