I slid down the sleek, wet walls of the shower, and I cried hot tears. They mingled with the water and went down the drain.
CHAPTER THREE
Naelen didn’t have any cozy mystery novels in the house. He did have some undercover-secret-agent-dragon-shifter books, though, and I had to settle for that. I was lying on the hammock, trying to concentrate on the words in the book when I heard a woman’s voice.
“Yoo-hoo!”
I sat up in my hammock.
A woman in a tank top and cut-off jean shorts was peering up at the porch, arm over her eyes to block out the sun. Even though she was dressed casually, I could tell that her clothes were expensive. Something about the way they were cut betrayed their worth. She was rich, and I shouldn’t have expected anything different. Naelen owned this house, and the neighbors were probably just as well off as he was.
Logan was sitting in one of the lounge chairs. He had another of Naelen’s books. “Hi.” He waved.
That was weird. Logan was usually anti-social. I better rescue him. I hopped out of the hammock and waved too.
But I noticed that Naelen was coming out of the house. He and I came closer to Logan until we were on either side of him. The three of us there, all gazing down at the woman.
“Well,” she said. “I saw a car here, so I figured someone had come for a visit, but…” She approached the porch. “I thought gargoyles were stone during the day.”
“He’s special,” I said.
“Something we can do for you?” said Naelen, who was smiling, but looking a little wary as well.
Could this woman be dangerous? I hadn’t even thought of the possibility. Where the hell were my arrows? I squared my shoulders, ready to run if I needed to.
“I…” She looked at us. “Anyone else staying here?”
“Just us three,” said Naelen, grin widening.
“Well, how nice. Just three, um, friends having a vacation, then?”
“Yeah,” said Naelen.
There wasn’t anything weird about three adults staying in a vacation house together, was there? It could be a couple and a friend… Ah, and then I realized that she was trying to figure out which of us were the couple.
“Great,” she said, and then grinned widely too.
Well, this was getting awkward.
“Uh, sorry,” she said. “I actually came over to invite you to a little barbecue we’re having this evening. It’s nothing too huge, but we might be up late making noise. I figured if you joined the party, you wouldn’t be offended by the crowd.”
“Oh,” said Naelen. “Is that your house down there?”
“Yup, that’s it,” she said.
“I’m sure it’s too far away to be bothersome to us,” said Naelen.
“Even so,” she said, “you’re welcome to come.” She cocked her head to one side. “Are you one of the Spencer boys? The one that owns that tech company?”
“You caught me,” said Naelen.
“I thought so,” she said. “We travel in the same circles as a lot of dragon families. I’m Ida Winslow, of the Pennsylvania Winslows.”
“Ah,” said Naelen. “Good to meet you, Ida.”
“Same to you,” she said. “Do you happen to know the Ellises?”
“A bit,” said Naelen.
“Well, they may be there tonight, so it will just be a gathering of old friends. You should come by.”
“I don’t know,” said Naelen. “We’re probably in for a quiet night.”
“Actually, it sounds nice,” I said. “Count us in.”
Naelen and Logan both gave me a funny look.
I shrugged at them. “See you tonight, Ida.”
“Excellent,” she said. “Well, I guess I’ll be getting back then.” She gave us a little wave and then set off towards her house.
Once she was out of earshot, both of the guys turned to me.
“What the hell? You really want to go to that party?” said Logan.
I shrugged. “Why not?”
Naelen furrowed his brow. “Every time we’ve gone anywhere in my social circle, you’ve hated it, and complained about how you don’t fit in.”
“Well, I don’t feel like that right now,” I said. “Do you think we have to get dressed up?”
“It’s a barbecue,” said Naelen.
“Good,” I said. Anything was better than waiting around for them to corner me and hash out the details of how they were going to “share” me. I shuddered at the thought of it and ran into the house.
* * *
Two and a half months ago, I remembered lying between them and sobbing. Cunningham was gone. We were alone. We were in a different room in a different house, but we were still in that same prison, even if the surroundings looked different.
I wasn’t wearing any clothes, and neither were they, and the covers on the bed were on the floor, and I was face down, my head in the pillow, and I was crying so hard that I didn’t know if I could stop.
I remember that neither of them touched me.
They let me cry.
And eventually, it did stop, and I lifted my head and they were both looking shattered. But they weren’t crying.
I’ve read things about how men are socialized not to cry, and how unhealthy it is not to have that release. But right then, I was only jealous. I wanted to be dry-eyed.
“Did it hurt?” Logan’s voice was a rasp.
Yes. But that wasn’t why I was crying. I just shook my head.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Naelen looked at me, and there was something in his eyes. “Everything you fantasized about?”
I choked. “He made me say that. He made me.”
“Clarke,” said Logan.
“I didn’t want this,” I hissed. “I didn’t.” And then I went looking for my bra and my underwear, since it was all I had to wear. I put them on and went into the bathroom. In all the rooms, there was always a bathroom, and one of us would always lock ourselves in there just to be alone. That day, I stayed in there for hours.
When I came out, Naelen’s eyes were red, like he had been crying. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean it.”
And I kissed him. I kissed him and I clung to him.
And Logan made a noise on the other side of the room, and I gestured for him to come over to us, and he did, and I kissed him too, and I held onto them, clung to both of them so hard, because they were solid and real and they were all I had, and because I loved them, and we were trapped and shamed and destroyed, and…
I didn’t want it. I swear I didn’t want it.
* * *
“So, which of those yummy men is yours?” said one of the women at the party.
It was crowded, and I’d felt intimidated right away by all the well-dressed people. They were like Ida, wearing casual, expensive clothing that made them look so much more than what I was.
Logan had gone off to get us drinks and someone had recognized Naelen and pulled him off to talk about something related to business, and I was here by myself with this woman. I couldn’t even remember her name. She’d introduced herself a minute ago, and I thought she was maybe Karen or Katie or Kelly…
“Uh… we’re all just friends,” I said.
“Really?” said the woman. “They’re both single? Both available?”
“What?” I said. “No, they’re not…” I pressed my lips together.
She raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Are they gay? Are they with each other?”
“No,” I said. Then I wished I would have agreed to that. It was the tidiest answer.
Logan was heading back toward me, holding several beers. One was a Corona, thank God. I needed a Corona. Now.
Where was Naelen?
I turned my head and caught sight of him. He wasn’t talking to the man who had pulled him off anymore. Now he was leaning close to a woman with long, curly dark hair. She was very pretty.
Why was he standing so close to her? Was he whispering in her ear?
&n
bsp; “Here.” Logan shoved my Corona at me.
“Thanks,” I said.
Karen or Kelly beamed at Logan. “Hi there. How are you doing?”
Logan swallowed. “Uh…” He looked at me with pain in his eyes. He hated stuff like this. I reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it.
Kelly or Katie narrowed her eyes at where we were holding hands. “I thought you said that the two of you weren’t together.”
I dropped Logan’s hand. “Uh, we’re not. Just like to hold hands some times. In a friendly way.” I gulped at my Corona. Okay, this was hell. I didn’t think I wanted to be here after all.
“Oh,” said Kelly, smiling at Logan. “Well, would you like to go on a walk around the lake?”
Logan’s eyes widened. “What?”
“You and me? Walk around the lake. I’d love to ask you questions about your life and culture and your people. I think the struggle that gargoyles face is so tragic. I’d love to know how you manage with all the surrounding problems you face.”
Logan made a face at me.
I shrugged.
“Uh…” he said.
“What?” she said, smiling. “You don’t walk?” She reached out and touched his hand now.
Okay, that was weird. Naelen got too close to a girl and I felt like I was going to lose my head, and Logan held hands with a woman, and…
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Okay,” said Logan. “I guess so.”
“What?” I said.
He shrugged at me. “It’s just a walk?”
I sighed. Now I was all alone again. Why was that girl that Naelen was talking to laughing so damned hard?
“Come on,” said Katie or Kelly.
I slugged half my Corona down.
Naelen was backing away from the pretty woman. He was laughing too. He turned and locked eyes with me, and then he headed my way.
Good. That was good. I didn’t want him with that woman for some reason.
“I thought that you were with the gargoyle,” said a voice.
I looked up to see that Ida was here. “Oh, Ida,” I said. “Thanks for inviting us.”
“Isn’t the gargoyle your boyfriend?” she said.
Naelen was next to me. He was a little out of breath. “We’re all three together, Ida,” he said.
“Naelen,” I said, glaring at him.
He wrapped an arm around my waist. “We actually have to go, Ida, sorry. Lovely party.” He started to drag me away.
“We’re not all together,” I said to Ida. “It’s not like that.”
Naelen tugged at me. “Clarke. Come with me now. It’s important.”
* * *
Naelen pushed me onto the picnic table, and he pressed his body between my legs, so that my thighs were against his hips. He was kissing me—kissing my lips and my throat and my collarbone, and his hands were moving over my body.
I couldn’t catch my breath. “What are you doing?” I breathed.
“Please, Clarke,” he said, unzipping my jean shorts. “I need this.”
“Naelen…”
His mouth was on mine again, and he was lifting my ass with one hand, and tugging my shorts and panties off with the other.
I gasped at the feeling of the warm summer air on my body, bared to him. God, his kisses were good. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to wrap my legs around his hips, just like this.
He groaned.
I slid my hands down his body, over his chest and hard, flat stomach, and I unbuttoned his pants. Unzipped him.
“Yes,” he whispered in my ear.
And his hands were everywhere, and he was kissing me, and I was stroking him, and then…
I threw my head back and let out a little cry.
He seized my thighs, dug his fingers into me.
It was fast and fierce and it was so good, wild and untamed, not like the way it had been in the stupid room, when I’d been afraid that whatever was between us before had broken.
Because now that he was inside me, we were tangling into each other, he was pounding me, battering me. I was opening and taking him, and we were entwined together. We weren’t separate, we were connected. I felt us join together, not just our bodies, but something deeper, something truer, as if he was part of me, and I was part of him, and we were one.
I moaned.
“Clarke,” he whispered into my eyebrow. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I…”
“Yes,” I gasped. “Yes, I love you too.”
He rested his forehead against mine. Both our eyes open, we gazed at each other, and it was lovely. A little raw, a little rough, but intense and real and good. So, so good.
And then I saw movement behind Naelen’s head, and I let out a little scream.
“Don’t let me stop you or anything,” said a sardonic voice.
Logan.
Naelen gritted his teeth. He pulled out of me, zipped up his pants. “We were done anyway.” He fished my shorts up and thrust them into my lap.
I used them to cover myself, and I felt vaguely like vomiting.
“Oh, good,” said Logan. “I wouldn’t have wanted to interrupt before you both finished.”
Naelen turned to face Logan. “You weren’t supposed to see—”
“We haven’t even talked to her yet,” said Logan.
“I didn’t plan on it,” said Naelen. “It just… it happened. I needed—”
“You and your needing,” said Logan. “That’s what you said last night. You said you needed to be alone with her. Man, fuck you. What about what I need? What about what Clarke needs? Maybe you haven’t noticed that she’s withdrawn, something’s wrong. She’s not okay. And you don’t get to—”
“She wanted it,” said Naelen. He turned to me. “Right?”
“I…”
“Right?” said Naelen, looking disturbed.
Logan advanced on him. “From what I understand, you never listen when she says no anyway.”
“Fuck you,” said Naelen, his voice breaking. “I would never—”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Would you two turn around while I put on my shorts? Or do I have to get dressed in front of both of you until the end of time?”
They turned around.
I yanked my clothes on.
“Look,” Logan’s voice was barely controlled. “You had no right to do that, not until we’ve all talked.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Naelen. “You’ll get your turn.”
I pushed my way between the both of them. “I haven’t agreed to anything, okay?”
Naelen ran a hand through his hair. “Well, you have to, Clarke. To be fair, you have to.”
“To be fair?”
“Yeah,” said Naelen. “To be fair to Logan, you have to…” He grimaced. And then he headed into the house.
“What?” I called after him. “Right now?”
“It’s not the first time he’s fucked you right after I did,” Naelen called as he opened the door. “Only difference is, this time I don’t have to watch.” He slammed the door.
I went after him. “God damn you, Naelen Spencer!” I screamed.
“Clarke,” said Logan. “Just…”
I sincerely felt like crying again.
CHAPTER FOUR
“I can sleep somewhere else, you know,” said Logan. “There’s no obligation on your part—”
“You said this already,” I whispered, smiling at him. We were lying in the bed in my room, both on our sides, facing each other. “I want you to stay here.”
“Okay,” he said. “And we’ll just sleep. I don’t need anything from you.” He rolled onto his back.
“Just sleep,” I agreed. But then I scooted over next to him and wound his arm around my shoulders and lay my head in the crook of his neck and shoulder. It was an action I’d done numerous times before. Logan and I had lain in bed together too many times to count. For a moment, everything felt normal and comfortable and good.
“Clark
e,” Logan murmured.
“Mmm?” I said.
“What did happen? When Cunningham took you away from us?”
“What happened with you and Naelen?”
“Nothing,” he said.
“Well, nothing happened to me either. It was boring, to be honest.”
He absently stroked my upper arm through my pajama shirt. “You can tell me.”
When we’d arrived at this house, there had been clothes in my size hanging in the closet. I figured Naelen had paid someone to go shopping for us. There was stuff for Logan too. It was the kind of rich guy thing Naelen did.
“I don’t want to talk about all of that,” I said. “But it’s not what you think, I swear. Cunningham never touched me.”
Logan didn’t say anything for a minute. “Did he make you touch him?”
“No,” I said. “Nothing like that.” I wanted to change the subject, but I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to talk about. Instead, I said, “Is this really want you want? To be with me this way?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, for it to be the three of us.”
“Is it what you want?”
“I asked first.”
He drew in a breath, and I could feel his body rise. He was warm and firm, living chiseled stone. “If there was any way that it could be different, and I could have you to myself… but I see the way you look at him. And he’s devoted to you. I couldn’t…” He squeezed my shoulder. “It’s like I care about both of you, and I want both of you to be happy, so I couldn’t deny either of you the other one. Does that make sense?”
“I guess so,” I said. But I wasn’t sure. “I guess I just don’t understand how the two of you…” I wasn’t sure how to put it. “Aren’t you angry with him? The way you spoke to him earlier, you sounded like you were going to rip him apart.”
“No, I didn’t.” Logan dismissed this. “I’d never hurt him.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“Of course not.” He looked down at me. “You sounded angry with him. I thought you were just avoiding me, but when you made us go to that party tonight, I realized it was both of us.”
“I’m not—”
“Clarke.”
“Fine,” I said, resigned to it. “Maybe I was avoiding you a little, but not because I don’t want to talk to you, either of you, just because I don’t want to have the conversation you two want to have.”
Ashes (The Slayer Chronicles Book 3) Page 3