by Helen Phifer
1st November 1887
I awoke early and spent a long time in the bath. Even after it had gone cold I stayed in there. I stayed until Millie hammered on the door demanding to come in. I was sore and did not know what to do with myself. I wanted to tell someone about what had happened because I did not know if it was right or wrong.
When I went back into my room Edward was stood by the window he turned to me with tears rolling down his cheeks and told me how truly sorry he was and that he hoped he hadn’t hurt me too much last night. He looked so sad and forlorn that I could not help myself and I told him I was sore but it was not too bad. He took hold of my hand and fell to his knees begging my forgiveness. He held onto my legs, his head pushing against my thighs, and I felt so sorry for him that I stroked his hair and told him I forgave him. When he finally stood up he took hold of me and kissed me. This time it was so gentle that I couldn’t help but kiss him back.
5th November 1887
Today was Lady Hannah’s funeral and it was so very sad for it reminded me of my mother’s. Harold said that we could attend as a mark of respect. I did not really want to but I had no choice. I would rather have stayed at the house to make sure everything was prepared for the mourners. All the servants lined up at the back of the church, out of the way of the important people. I cried and cried. Edward was stood at the front next to his Lordship, with his head bowed. I was sandwiched between Cook and Alfie in the middle of the aisle where I had a direct view of the coffin and Edward.
Every time I see him I get butterflies and I am still not sure whether it is terror or indeed passion that makes me feel this way. Alfie squirmed throughout the entire service. I was so upset that he put his arm around my shoulders to try and give me some comfort. That was the only time I saw Edward lift his eyes from the ground. He turned and glared at Alfie. Edward’s eyes were blacker than ever and he looked so angry I felt sorry for poor Alfie. I pulled away from his touch so as not to get him into any trouble.
After the funeral lots of mourners came back to the house and I spent the rest of the day rushing around serving drinks and food to them all. Cook said there is nothing like a funeral to give someone an appetite and she was right. They practically ate and drank his Lordship out of house and home. By the time the last one left I was exhausted. My poor feet were aching and my eyes stinging from the tears and vast clouds of cigar smoke which had turned the inside of the house into a haze.
His Lordship was in the drawing room and very drunk. I watched as Edward and Harold carried him up to his room. He has taken to sleeping in one of the guest rooms. He told Harold that he could no longer abide to be in the room where his beloved wife had died for she had taken his soul when she passed and he was nothing now but an empty shell.
Everyone retired to bed except myself and Edward, who had come to find me sitting at the piano, resting for a moment and thinking about Lady Hannah. He stood in front of me and I could not help but think how handsome he looked in his grief, and then I felt terrible for thinking such thoughts.
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me with so much passion; the heat from his body was so intense I feared we might set on fire. I know that what we are doing is wrong and I know full well that no good will come from it but I wanted him so badly. I wanted to feel those strong arms around me and his lips crushing against mine. He picked me up and carried me across the hall to the library, once again laying me down onto the chaise lounge. My heart was beating so fast it was hard to breathe. I lay and watched him unbutton his shirt then he bent down towards me and I threw my arms around him losing myself to him.
After a while an uncomfortable feeling that someone was watching made me lift my head and look to the doorway where I saw Alfie, his face white and such hurt in his eyes. As our eyes met he turned and ran. My cheeks burned with shame but Edward held me even tighter and I closed my eyes letting the heat wash over me.
11th November 1887
Edward is leaving today. He has important exams in London that he must not miss. I do not know how I will cope without him for he has become my rock. He has been there to give me comfort as I have him and we have spent hours talking each evening after I have finished my chores. The lovemaking between us has been so full of passion and pleasure that I never imagined it could ever be this way; he has never forced himself on me since that first time. According to Cook it was something that had to be done if you wanted to keep your husband happy and make babies.
I am ashamed of the way I have been behaving and I know it is not how a good girl should behave but it feels so right for I think I am falling in love with Edward so deep that I would not be able to stop myself if I tried. We have to keep our friendship a secret because I am a servant and it is not heard of for the master of the house to carry on as such. If his Lordship found out I would be sent away and I could not bear it; this house and the people in it are the only family that I know.
Alfie has not spoken a word to me since the night of the funeral and for that I am truly sad; he is my best friend and I miss him greatly. Once Edward leaves for London I will try and speak to him on his own and explain everything to him.
His Lordship has become so melancholy it breaks my heart to look at him. He is not eating his meals and stays in his room all day drinking nothing but whisky. He looks dreadful and Edward confessed to me that he is awfully worried about him.
I made myself busy and went to clean the schoolroom to keep my mind from missing Edward so much. He came to find me to say goodbye and I found myself wondering how we had gone from hating each other to loving each other in such a short space of time. He kissed me and I did not want him to stop. I wanted him to make love to me one last time before he left but I was being foolish and selfish. I held him tight and he told me he would be home as soon as he could to see me again. Then he turned and left and I wished that I could go with him.
13th November 1887
Alfie has managed to avoid me but today I crept away from polishing the silverware in the dining room and went to find him. I knew he would be in the greenhouse tending to the plants that Lady Hannah had planted herself from seed for Cook told me he had done it every day since she died. That was Alfie all over, so kind and thoughtful he would not want to let the plants die: by keeping them alive he was keeping Lady Hannah alive.
When I walked in he turned away from me but I picked up a watering can and began to help him. He told me to go away and I told him that he simply must talk to me, that I did not want us to be enemies and that I missed him. I took his hand and dragged him to sit on the broken bench at the far end of the greenhouse. I told him how sorry I was that he saw me with Edward that night and that I was not proud of my behaviour but that I loved Edward. Alfie laughed loudly and told me that Edward was the most selfish, wicked person he had ever met. He told me that the only reason Edward was even interested in me was because he overheard a conversation that Alfie had with Harold about how much he really liked me. I jumped up I was so angry with him for telling such lies and we had a terrible argument. Alfie tugged my arm and pulled me back down onto the bench, telling me to be quiet before someone heard us and we got in trouble.
I remembered all too well the Edward that would force me to play his horrid games, the Edward who would chase me with dead rabbits. But people change and I wanted to believe that he has outgrown all those childish pranks. Alfie shook his head and told me that a leopard never changes its spots. I do not believe him though; everyone deserves a second chance. But still he planted a tiny seed of doubt into my mind and each day I know that it will get a little stronger if I nurture it. I so want to believe that Edward truly loves me and that he may even one day ask me to become his wife.
Then Alfie shocked me and asked me to marry him. He told me that he loved me with all his heart in a way that Edward never would. I laughed and told him to stop being ridiculous. It was then that I hurt him in such a spiteful way that I don’t think I will ever forgive myself but I do not have feelings for him like I do
for Edward. I told Alfie this and that I wanted to have lots of Edward’s children, for them to run around and fill Abbey Wood with their laughter. This beautiful house would be a much better place with the sound of children echoing around the walls instead of the hushed tones of grief-stricken people.
Alfie stared at me in such a way that I almost began to cry. He got up and could barely stand; his entire body was shaking and I know that he wanted to cry. I never wanted to hurt him, but to me he is a very dear friend and not someone I want to share the rest of my life with. As he walked away I felt like the cruellest woman in the world and I prayed to God that Alfie would forgive me and find someone who would truly love him.
1st December 1887
His Lordship has not come out of his room for weeks and is refusing all visitors. Harold takes all his meals and drinks up to him. Cook told me and Millie that if he carries on this way he will die from a broken heart. I cannot imagine how sad he must be because I miss Lady Hannah’s laughter and music every minute of every day. I used to dust whilst humming along and it would fill my heart with joy. Now I feel as if a part of me is missing so I cannot imagine how his Lordship feels.
Edward sent me a letter to tell me how much he misses me and how he is counting down the days until he is home for Christmas. I have it tucked under my pillow and read it every single night before I go to sleep. Cook has been teasing me, asking me who would be writing to me and Alfie told her it was the master. I laughed when she clipped him around the back of the head and told him not to be so insolent for it served him right.
3rd December 1887
Today has been yet another terrible day of tragedy in this great house of sadness. I went outside to hang the billiard room rugs out to air and was greeted by the most dreadful sight. His Lordship was hanging from the big oak tree. His face was grey and his blue lips were parted with his tongue protruding through them. I screamed and screamed as loud as I could for I did not know what else to do. Alfie ran out of the scullery door followed by Harold, Cook and Millie. Cook fell to her knees and crossed herself. Once again I found myself frozen to the ground, unable to move, my eyes fixed on the terrible sight of his Lordship swinging like some huge marionette.
I have no idea how long we were like that, staring at the awful sight that beheld us but the next thing I knew Doctor Smith and the policeman from the town appeared – Harold had sent for them. I overheard Alfie whisper to Cook that Harold had telephoned for Edward to come home immediately. Poor Edward, he has lost both of his parents in such a short space of time and in the most dreadful way. I feel guilty that I am excited he will be home sooner and I hope that I will be able to comfort him for I have nothing else to offer him.
4th December 1887
Edward arrived home to a house of silence and grief. His Lordship’s body has been laid out in a solid oak coffin with the shiniest brass handles in the morning room so that people could come and pay their respects.
Harold asked me to do one final thing for his Lordship, to go in and make sure the room was presentable for visitors, not a speck of dust was to be seen. I was so scared, I did not dare to look into the coffin. I could not bear it. What if he opened his eyes? I placed a heavy book against the door to keep it open for I would have screamed the house down if the door had shut on me and I had been trapped in there with the cold, dead shell of my master’s body. I have never worked so fast in all my life. I just hope that he and Lady Hannah have been reunited; I cannot bear to think of him wandering around a lost and lonely soul for all eternity.
Last night after supper Cook began her usual gossiping. Although it was far more subdued than usual but she took great pleasure in informing us about what happens to your soul when you take your own life. Millie was aghast to think that God would forsake someone because they were so desperate they felt they had no option but to take their own life. I told her later on that if a person was brave enough to carry out such a final task for whatever reason then surely God would not be so cruel as to turn his back on them.
Cook was also fussing about what would become of us now. She is convinced that Edward will want to sell the house, for it holds nothing but bad memories for him, and then we will all be out of a job and a home. I wanted to tell her that it must also hold some good memories but I kept quiet. Everyone would want to know exactly what I meant and I do not want to cause a fuss now: Edward has enough to deal with.
The whole time we were in the kitchen Alfie stared at me with the strangest look on his face. I do hope he is not coming down with some affliction.
5th December 1887
Edward found me in the schoolroom last night. I had come up to read and to keep out of everyone’s way. I do not like being downstairs while his Lordship’s body is in the house. I have been awake since the crack of dawn but I could not sleep. All the other servants were sitting in the kitchen around the hearth, drinking a bottle of wine that Harold had opened. I did not want to listen to any more of their idle gossip: I wanted to be alone.
Edward has been so busy with the police, then a visit from his uncle and the vicar that he has not even acknowledged my existence and I have to admit it hurt me deep inside. The door opened and I looked up from my book to see Edward standing there. His face looked so much older than the last time I saw him. His eyes were black and for a fleeting moment I felt afraid; past memories rushed through my mind. It was such a pained smile that I stood from the chair and in three short strides he was across the room and sweeping me into his arms. I felt the warm rush begin in my stomach as his lips met mine. He held on to me so tight that I could not breathe when he kissed me and I had to pull away from him. He stroked my hair and took hold of my hand. I expected him to lead me up to my bedroom but instead he led me towards his. I paused at the door, afraid in case anyone should see me. Edward smiled and told me that he was the master of the house now and would do as he pleased. He told me that after his father’s funeral he would tell the staff that I was no longer to be a housemaid. That we were courting and that I was to be treat like a lady. I could not speak I was so surprised. He laughed and pulled me into his bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
I had been in here countless times but never like this. His bed was huge compared to mine. We stood next to the roaring fire that I had built earlier. He began to undress me and before long we were on the bed. It was so soft and the silk sheets cooled my burning skin. I closed my eyes and hoped that the night would never end.
I awoke to the cold light of dawn and gasped: Cook would be furious with me if I were not downstairs in time to set the table. I untangled myself from Edward’s warm embrace and picked my clothes up off the floor. I dressed quickly. There was not time to wash or brush my hair but I pinned it back up on top of my head as best as I could.
I crept out into the hallway only to be greeted by Alfie, who had just run down the servants’ stairs. I knew that he had been sent to look for me and my cheeks flushed. He stared at me with contempt but there was also so much pain in his eyes. He told me that Cook had sent him to see if I was ill because I was late to rise. I pleaded with him not to tell her or anyone else but he did not say a word. Instead he turned his back on me and walked away, his shoulders slumped and his steps slow.
Once again I felt my heart tear a tiny bit more. If this keeps on I am afraid it will rip in two and I will die of a broken heart just like his Lordship.
Chapter 7
Derek Edmondson was sitting eating supper with his sister. He was there on a weeklong visit from Burnley. A practising medium since he was ten years old, he liked to travel around the North West to various spiritualist churches giving demonstrations of his psychic abilities. The pay was terrible but it was better than sitting at home with only the dead to keep him company.
Three names were whirling around in his head. They were like a tornado gathering speed and, quite frankly, it was making him ill. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and he knew if he were to stand up it would make him feel dizzy. Unable to sto
p himself he began to mumble.
His sister turned to him. ‘What did you just say? Oh Derek, you look awful. What’s the matter? Are you ill?’
‘Annie, Edward, Alice, Annie, Edward, Alice – no, stop this now, I command you.’ He pulled himself from the chair onto unsteady feet. ‘You have to stop this please.’
The whirlwind ceased and was replaced by a vision of a crumbling, Victorian mansion. He blinked twice to clear the image from his mind then slumped back down into the chair. His sister stooped, her hand pressing against his forehead to see if he had a temperature. He brushed it away, not wanting to be fussed over. She was anxious and he felt sorry he had caused her to feel that way, but something bad, maybe even catastrophic, was on the horizon and whoever this Alice, Annie and Edward were they were involved. Given the chance, Derek would have no intention of getting mixed up in whatever this was but he knew it was too late and regardless of whether he wanted to be he was in it up to his neck.
‘I’m fine, Joan, I just felt a bit peaky for a minute but I’m OK now. I do apologise if I scared you.’
Joan arched her eyebrows. ‘Well, as long as you’re sure. It’s not like I’m not used to you acting a bit strange now, is it?’