by E Molgaard
I just stare at her not wanting to say anything. I know what the call is and I don’t want it to be real. I want this to be a dream as well. Tears start pooling in my eyes as Liz rubs her hand up and down my back as she reaches for the phone. She tries to hand me the phone but I shake my head. “I know what she’s going to say.”
Liz kisses my shoulder. “I know, but you still need to answer it.”
“Will you.”
Liz nods as she answers my phone. “Hello?” I can’t hear what Nancy is saying to Liz but based on the look in Liz’s eyes, this is it. “Okay we’re on our way.”
Liz hangs up and I wait in silence waiting to hear the words that my mom is gone. “Liam.” Liz kisses my cheek. “We need to go to your mom’s house. Nancy doesn’t think she’s going to make it to the morning.”
“You mean she isn’t gone yet?” Liz shakes her head as a tear runs down her cheek. “I thought…”
“Not yet. You can still say goodbye.” I let out a long breath. She’s not dead. I really thought she was dead. God that dream really got to me.
Liz places a hand on my cheek bringing me back to the present. “Liam, you need to get up.” I look her over and see she’s no longer in her pajamas but in yoga pants and a t-shirt with her hair pulled up. “We need to hurry so we can get to your mom’s house. You don’t want to miss saying goodbye.”
I grab her hand on my cheek and kiss her palm as I climb out of bed. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She waves me off as she walks out of the room. I quickly throw on my shorts and t-shirt and meet her in the kitchen. She has two to-go cups of coffee in her hands and she smiles up at me. “You ready?”
That’s a weighted question. Am I ready to say goodbye to my mom? Am I ready to watch her die? Am I ready to never be able to talk to her ever again? The answer to all those questions is no, but I try to hide the tears forming in my eyes and nod. Liz gives me a sad smile knowing there’s no way I’m ready for this and hands me my coffee. With her free hand, she takes mine and we head out of the apartment.
On the way to my mom’s house I think about what I want to say to her. I want her to know how much I love her, how I never could have asked for a better mom, and how I wish she didn’t have to go. A tear runs down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. Liz takes one hand off the wheel and places it on my leg. I grab onto it and squeeze, needing our connection to keep me together.
When we arrive to my mom’s house, Liz moves to get out of the car but I hold onto her hand. “What if she is already gone? What if I missed saying goodbye?”
“Liam. She knows you’re coming. She’s going to fight to see you one more time.” She leans forward and gives me a quick kiss, “Now come on.” She moves to get out of the car again and I let go of her hand and open my door to get out. She meets me at the front of her car with her hand reached out and I take it with ease as we walk around Charlie’s car.
Karen opens the door with tears running down her cheeks and she pulls me into a hug. “She’s waiting for you.” She’s holding me at arm’s length now and I nod trying to hold back my tears. Not wanting to let go of Liz’s hand, I wait for her to side hug Karen as well before directing us to my mom’s room in the back of the house.
Her door is open and I can hear Charlie talking to her. Over the last few weeks my mom's condition has gotten a lot worse. She’s in pain all the time, she can barely hear anymore, she has a hard time breathing on her own, and it takes her awhile to form words.
The closer we get to her door, the hospital bed that has replaced her bed comes into view. When we reach the doorway, I can see Charlie holding Gracie up so she can give mom a kiss and Gracie’s cute little voice fills the room. “Goodnight Granny. I’m going to bed now. I love you.”
I about lose it listening to her innocent words and Liz must feel the same way because she squeezes my hand. A part of me wishes I could be Gracie because she’s so innocent and young and has no idea what is going on.
Charlie has tears running down his face as he looks over to us. “Hey.” He walks over to us with Gracie holding onto his hand. We pull each other into a hug and I can feel Charlie crying into my shoulder. Tears start rolling down my cheeks and I bury my face into his shoulder as all my emotions bust through the seams. When we pull away from each other, our eyes are red and we silently acknowledge that today is going to be one of the worse days of our lives.
“Daddy, can Liz put me to bed?” Charlie looks at his daughter with love who is in Liz’s arms.
Karen walks around the corner wiping her eyes. “Honey, Liz and Liam need to go see Granny. How about I take you to bed?”
“Okay mommy.” Gracie reaches out for Karen and she takes Gracie from Liz’s arms and carries her to Charlie’s old room. Charlie follows quickly behind after Liz gives him a hug.
“Liam.” My mom’s shaky voice barely rings out.
“Hi mom.” I reach out my hand and Liz grabs it before we both walk into my mom’s room. She’s hooked up to a machine that’s tracking her heart rate and she has IV’s connected to her arms giving her pain medication. I can see her weak smile as she adjusts the mask that’s helping her breathe. We walk over to the side of her bed and I lean down to kiss her cheek as Liz grabs her hand with her free hand.
“Hi Michelle.”
“Hi...loves.” Liz and I sit down on the chairs next to the bed and I grab onto their conjoined hands. “I’m so happy that... you two found... each other again.” She pauses for a few seconds taking some deep breaths. “You were always... meant to be.”
Liz kisses my shoulder agreeing to what my mom said and I look at her and give her a quick kiss. “You’re right mom. It just took us a while to figure it out as well.”
“Liam honey… will you give me… a minute with Liz? Then I want to… talk to you.”
“Okay? I’ll be right outside the room if you need me.”
I kiss my mom’s cheek as I stand up and Liz looks up at me with sadness in her eyes as I let go of her hand and give her a kiss. As I’m walking out of the room, I hear my mom say, “Liz you are like… the daughter I never had.” I close the door behind me giving them there moment alone.
When I look up from the ground, I see Karen and Charlie standing there. Karen is the first to say something. “She’s talking to us individually.”
Karen looks down at a piece of paper she’s holding and I know she’s telling me that she’s saying her goodbyes to us. We all stand in the hallway in silence as Charlie holds Karen in his arms. Every now and then they whisper something into each other’s ears and it makes me wish Liz was with me. I look to the door knowing my mom is having a goodbye conversation with my girlfriend and it’s killing me not being there for Liz because I know she loves my mom like her own mother.
A couple minutes later Liz comes out of the room holding a piece of paper with tears running down her cheeks. She walks straight over to me and I wrap my arms around her, holding her as she cries. “You should go to your mom.” Liz squeaks out in between her sobs.
“Liz…”
Karen steps up rubbing Liz’s back. “I got her Liam. Go talk to your mom.”
Liz loosens her hold on me and I let her go to Karen as Charlie pulls me into a hug. “This is your chance to say goodbye.”
I step away from Charlie and walk back into my mom’s room closing the door. She pats the bed next to her and I walk over and lean against the bed facing her. She places her hand on my cheek and I lose it. I can’t hide my tears from her anymore. “Mom I don’t want you to go. What am I going to do without you?”
“Liam. I will always… be with you. I love you so… much honey.” She reaches to the table beside her and picks up a folded piece of paper and hands it to me. “Since I can’t talk, I wrote… you this. I want you to… read it and keep it. This is for you… if you ever need me… after I leave.”
I slowly unfold the piece of paper to see my mom’s handwriting across the page.
Liam,
> I love you so much. You are my little love and it kills me knowing I’m leaving you before you get to experience the greatest joys in life. But you need to know I will be there with you when you say I do to Liz and standing right next to you when you hold your beautiful babies for the first time. I will be with you to help you through the hard times, the sad times, and the happy times because I am a part of you and that will never go away. If you need to talk to me, just talk to the stars like we used to do when you were little.
You and Charlie are my greatest adventures and you guys made my life complete. Even though I’m leaving, I want you to know that I have had the greatest life ever because I was loved by my wonderful husband and two amazing sons. The only thing that makes our lives complete is love. So, embrace it and never let it go.
I love you my little love. You made my life bright, complete, and one of a kind. So, don’t be too sad when I go because I’ll be with your father looking down on you and smiling.
All my heart,
Mom
I hug my mom, crying into her shoulder. “I love you mom.”
She rubs my back. “I love you too.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Liz
Michelle Camden died a little after seven in the morning three days ago surrounded by her family. Ever since that morning, we’ve all been moving on auto pilot. Karen and I have been doing our best to get all the funeral arrangements ready as well as taking care of Charlie and Liam. Liam only gets out of bed in the mornings because I find some excuse that I need him to come with me for something but as soon as we finish running our errands, he pulls me back to bed and I hold him as he cries.
Today is the funeral and it’s going to be hard for all of us. We pull up to the cemetery in a long black limousine with a line of cars behind us. I look out the window to the cloudless sky to see green hills full of headstones and flowers. The last time I was here it was for Liam’s dad funeral. I squeeze Liam’s hand and look away from the window so I can lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my forehead. “I’m not sure I can get through the eulogy without crying.”
“Then you should cry. You’re talking about your mom, of course you’re going to cry. Everyone is going to be crying because we have lost one of the most amazing women in the world. If you need me to be, I’ll stand right next to you.”
“I wouldn’t have survived these last few days without you. Thank you for being there.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to keep me away.” I smile up at him and he smiles back which has my heart melting because he’s only smiled a handful full of times since we got the call from Nancy. I lean up and he meets me halfway, kissing me.
The limo stops a few yards from where Michelle is going to be buried next to her husband. I get out first with Liam closely behind me and as I look to my left, I see Mack, Drew and our parents getting out of the car behind us. They walk over to us and my parents immediately pull Liam and Charlie into a hug as Drew pulls me into one and Mack hugs Karen and Gracie.
Charlie, Liam, Drew, my dad, Charlie’s best friend, and Caleb head to the hearse. Tears start rolling down my cheeks as I watch Liam place his hand on his mom’s coffin before taking his place in the front on the opposite side of Charlie. The six men carry her coffin to the opening in the ground where she will be lowered to her final resting place. Karen and I follow closely behind them along with everyone else. I take my seat next to Karen with my mom and Mack behind me as the guys set the coffin down. The other guys head to their seats as Charlie and Liam say some quick private words to their mom before Liam comes to sit next to me and Charlie walks over to the podium.
“Thank you everyone for coming today to celebrate the wonderful life of Michelle Camden. To start I would like to read a poem by Kirsten Preus called If Roses Grow in Heaven. If Roses grow in Heaven Lord, please pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Mother's arms and tell her they're from me. Tell her that I love her and miss her, and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while. Because remembering her is easy, I do it every day, but there's an ache within my heart that will never go away.”
I wipe a tear from my cheek and look up at Liam because it’s time for him to go up and speak. Liam looks back at me with tears in his eyes. “I need my sun with me.” I nod as we link our fingers together and stand at the same.
Charlie pulls Liam and me into a hug as we pass him and he whispers, “Be strong.” I know that was for Liam telling him to be strong for their mom and let him know he can get through this. But I also took it as him saying for me to be strong for Liam. He’s going to need to lean on you in this moment and for the foreseeable future.
Liam is shaking by the time we get up to the podium. I can feel him trying to keep his emotions in check as he squeezes my hand. When he looks out over the crowd, a tear rolls down his cheek. “My mom was a …” Liam takes a deep breath trying to push back the tears and I grab his hand with both of mine and kiss his shoulder hoping to relax him a little. “beautiful, loving women. She loved everyone she came into contact with but she loved her family the most.” Liam looks down at the podium and I feel him relax. As he looks back up, his eyes connect with mine and I can see the tears pouring from them.
“I remember this one time when Charlie was in high school and I was in middle school we got into this huge argument over who knows what. But whatever it was it had us not talking to each other for days. And of course, mom was not having any of it. So, one night she brought the both of us outside into the back yard asking for us to lay down in the grass and as we all looked up at the sky she said, ‘The stars are the most amazing things in the universe. They can be seen from anywhere on earth and they tell you stories. Whenever I am feeling upset about something, I like to come out here and look at the stars for guidance. Most of the time I ask myself if the issue or problem I’m having is bigger than the stars? And almost all of the time the answer is no. So, I ask you is this fight bigger than your brotherhood? Bigger than the stars?’ She left Charlie and I outside that night for hours allowing us to look up at the stars and forgive the other.”
Liam wipes his cheeks and continues, “My mom loved the stars and I like to think now that she is one of them, out in the universe looking down on us at night, giving us peace and guidance.”
He steps away from the podium and we both walk back to our seats as the pastor takes the podium finishing the funeral. Liam takes his seat first and as I take mine, he pulls me closer to him so I’m leaning on him with his arm around my back and his other hand resting on my knee. I kiss his cheek before laying my head on his shoulder and he lays his on top of mine. “That was beautiful.”
As the pastor finishes the funeral, I don’t really hear his words because I’m so focused on Liam and trying to comfort him. When the funeral is over, Charlie and his family each carry a rose over the coffin and lay it over the coffin. When they finish, Liam and I get up and walk up to her coffin. He places his hand on my lower back signaling me to go first and I set my rose on top of the coffin. “I’m going to miss you Michelle. The world is not as bright without you in it.”
Liam places his roses next to mine and I try to step away to give him space but he holds me to him. “I love you mom. I’ll miss being able to talk to you.”
Liam places his hand on the coffin and takes a second silently praying. I wrap my arms around him and rest my head against his shoulder. When he lifts his head and his eyes meet mine, they have sadness in them but there is also a bit of peace too. He leans down and kisses me before escorting us over to his brother. As people place their roses on Michelle’s coffin, they head over to Liam and Charlie to give their condolences. The guys decided to do that here because they wanted the wake back at their mom’s house for just close family and friends.
When Liam, Charlie, Karen, Gracie, and I are the only ones left at the funeral, we walk back over to Michelle’s coffin and watch as they lower her into the ground. Charlie and Liam say their final goodbyes by blowi
ng kisses down to her and saying “I love you.”
On the drive back to Michelle’s house, I curl up next to Liam as he wraps me up in his arms. “Your eulogy was so special and beautiful. Your mom would’ve been so proud.”
“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you next to me.” I lean up and kiss him hoping he can feel me saying I’ll always stand next to him if he needs me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Liz
It’s been almost a month since Michelle’s funeral and while we have gotten back to our day to day duties, I can still tell Liam is still struggling with missing his mom. Every day he smiles more and not because he’s smiling at me, but because he’s finding things that are amusing him again. But some nights I still wake up to an empty bed and when I go search for him, I always find him out on the balcony looking up at the stars. When he’s just sitting there, I sit with him but when I hear him talking, I just go back to bed and give him his space.
Tonight, I’ve made us dinner reservations at Jimmy V’s and I’m hoping it will bring a smile to Liam’s face. These last couple of weeks I try to do or plan little things to bring a smile to his face because I miss my happy Liam.
He’s meeting me at the restaurant when he gets off work, so I decided to get ready at my apartment so I can get Mack’s help. I step out of my bathroom that I haven’t gotten ready in for forever with my makeup and hair done and a robe wrapped around me. Mack is just staring off into space while holding one of my dresses in her hands. I walk over to her and touch her shoulder. “Hey. Are you okay?”
She jumps a little as she focuses back on me but before she can hide it, I see the worry in her eyes. I wonder what that is about. “Huh. Yeah. Fine.”
Mack smiles with a wow expression as she looks over my natural makeup and curled hair slightly pulled back. A smile forms on my face because that’s the reaction I want from Liam. “Damn girl. You look amazing. What’s the occasion tonight?”