I curled up as tight as I could. Then I felt something furry shoving against my face. A wolf! My eyes popped open, and then I saw Chicken. I hugged him. He was so warm. But how did he get in here? How did he get outside our house? Maybe Gloria was finally back.
Chicken stuck his head behind the bicycle wheel and pulled out Rowan’s soccer ball. It was gone soft and he bit into it. He was snuffing and drooling and shaking his head and he was going to make it burst. I stood up and when the fuzz went away I chased and chased his jumpy body all over the grass. He ran around to the back of the house and I followed him and stopped by the back door. It was open a little bit. No one ever went in that way. It didn’t even have steps. Chicken hopped right off the ground and disappeared inside. Gloria must’ve forgot to close the door. She kept doing that lately, leaving the milk out or not flushing the toilet. “I’m just so damn tired,” she said.
I climbed up after Chicken. It was extra dark inside. “You bad thing!” I yelled into the hallway. But Chicken wasn’t listening. Chicken was gone. I crept forward. My heart thumped inside my ears. I felt along the wall and went into the kitchen. I flicked the switch and the big rectangle light on the ceiling buzzed on. The kitchen was empty and strange. Like it was still my house, but other people might live there. On the counter there was an empty can of beans and an open bag of bread with some slices spilled out. There were two plates next to the bread, but they didn’t look like our plates. Maybe Mrs. Spooner brought something on them.
Chicken started barking. It sounded like he was under me, but that was impossible. I took off my shoes and went back into the hallway. I turned on another light. Then I saw a weird thing I didn’t see before. The door to the basement was open, too. Not much, but enough for Chicken to squeeze his skinny fur body through. I looked at that door. I wasn’t sure what to do. What if Gloria found Chicken bouncing around in there with a wet ball and making a mess? What if I went down and saw the surprise she was working on? She’d know. Even if I didn’t touch a thing.
I opened up the door. It was all black down there. I couldn’t even see the bottom stairs. There was a breeze and a loud hairdryer sound coming up from below. On my tiptoes, I went one step at a time. I held onto the rail. The more down I went, the louder the whish got. Cold and dark went on my face. It smelled bad. Maybe Chicken had an accident. When I got to the bottom I reached through the air and pulled the string. I had my eyes shut tight, but I still wanted the light turned on.
I took another step, but my toe hit something hard. I yelped and both my eyes went open in a mistake. I didn’t mean to spy, but then my eyes got ideas of their own. When I looked around I couldn’t find the big surprise. There was just an old black couch and a closet jammed up with winter coats. There was a pile of red and blue plastic milk crates, and sitting on the floor next to those was the hugest fan I ever saw. It was making that bad whish sound.
Chicken kept barking. I crept around just a tiny bit. I thought I’d see something good. I didn’t understand what Gloria was doing. Where was the surprise? Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I made it all up in my head. I did that too much and it always made Gloria mad. My middle felt heavier and heavier and the lump on my head hurt.
I felt it. It was like a tiny egg under my hair. The same kind of eggs that were in cartoons. Then I knew why everything looked funny. I was having a dream. A strange funny kind of scary dream. I had to just keep going until it was done.
I found the ball behind the milk crates. It was gross and slimy and had green grass stuck in the slime. I picked it up with my hands. It seemed real, but I knew it wasn’t.
Chicken was beside the bathroom door. The fan was right next to him. His fur was ruffling all over. He barked, and each bark made his paws leap off the ground. With his nose, he pushed away a blanket that was folded against the door. Then I saw rags stuck in the gap. He was scritching them with his claws and they came out. I think they were some of Telly’s old T-shirts, but they didn’t say Telly J. They didn’t say nothing.
There was a little spot between the door and the cement. Chicken whined and whined.
“Come here,” I said. “It’s okay.” I don’t know if he heard me because the fan was so loud. I smoothed his fur. I let him lick my face. His dirty spit didn’t bother me because none of it was real.
Then I saw a lock on the door. It was shiny gold. The metal bar it was attached to was screwed in, but parts of the screws were still sticking out. Whoever did that didn’t do a good job. I pinned the ball under my arm. I touched the lock. I touched the door. Then I reached for the handle.
A mouse on the floor. All skittery. Right by my foot. I jumped like Chicken did when he barked.
Then I squished up my eyes because it wasn’t a mouse. It was a worm. My mouth opened to scream but nothing came out. Then two worms. Wiggling. Giant and dirty, slugging on the ground.
I swallowed mouthfuls of air. I got a tiny bit closer. My head was full of cloud and turning into a purple storm. They weren’t worms. They were fingers. Just the tops. Filthy like Carl’s were, and they reached and stretched. They were chewed and scabby. Coming out from under the bathroom door.
Chicken scritched at them. I thought I heard, I thought I heard—
I dropped the slimy ball. It bounced and bounced. Far away. Stars sparkled around my face. My head got hollow. The dream changed so quick. It was the worst thing ever. Then my air was gone. I was falling into a hole. Glitter and zigzags. Then black and black and black.
ROWAN
“You’re still sleeping?”
Am I?
“You need to stay awake.”
The sun never comes up. And all I want to do is dream. Dream about home.
Gloria stares down at me. Her face is worried.
You were crying on TV.
“I told them. I told them you’re lost.”
Watch out for Carl. He’s coming back. Any second.
“Oh no he’s not. That man can’t hurt me.”
He might. But he’s not bad, Gloria. Like Maisy thinks. He’s made mistakes. He can’t trust himself.
“Can’t he?”
No.
“You’re sort of trapped here, aren’t you?”
I’m just under the bridge.
“They already looked. You’re not there.”
What? Where am I?
“You drowned. In the lake.”
Can you come pull me out?
“That’s Telly’s decision. He’s still angry. We’re talking about it, but it’s up to him.”
I’ll be better this time.
“Yes, you will.”
I just want to get home.
“Soon you’ll be walking out of those woods with a hell of a story.”
A hell of a story.
I can do that.
Gloria?
“What?”
You don’t need to cry anymore. I know you miss me, but I’m not far. I’m not far away at all.
* * *
—
I stand up, rest against the cement wall. Darkness coats me, but Gloria said I need to stay awake. Everything is rocking, and I can feel my body swinging back and forth. Nothing under my feet. And then I’m a little boy in the playground. The memory floats in front of me in full color. I’m seated on a slab of wood and Gloria is pushing me so hard, the ropes buckle each time she shoves my back. I feel her fingertips jabbing into my spine. When I cry out for her to stop, I’m swinging too high, she yells, “You’re having fun! This is fun!” Then the ropes slip from my hands and I speed through the air, slam into the ground. A guttural belch from my lungs.
She walks over to where I’ve fallen and kneels down. I wait for her to help me, but instead, she stares at me as though she’s confused. I grab at her dress with both hands and through my tears, I say, “You’re my mommy!” I don’t know why those words rush out of my mouth. It’s a stupid thing to say. Her head goes back, like she’s stunned. She speaks in a low voice. “No, I’m not. I’m a stranger.”
&n
bsp; “You’re my mommy!”
She tugs her dress from my grip. “I’m not. I’m a stranger.”
The grin will come any second, I tell myself. Any second. But it doesn’t.
My tears stop, and sickness fills my chest. “Mom?”
“I’m not your mom,” she whispers right in my ear. I heard her slowly inhale. “You. Don’t. Know. Me.”
“I do.”
“How?” She tilts her head and smiles.
“I—I just do.”
“Well you’re wrong.” Her voice is different. Low and growling. She stares at me. “I’ve never met you before. You weird little thing. I don’t have the faintest clue who you are.”
“But.”
She stands up and takes a step back. I look down at my feet. Just beyond my toes there might as well be a crevice a mile deep. Fear floods me. Cold and prickly, it swirls straight down through my core. Metal blades through that most tender part of me.
My shoulders are shaking, and when my tears turn to sobs, the look on her face shifts. Leaning close to me, her eyes wide, mouth slightly open, corners curled up. She is curious, and she is delighted.
* * *
—
Only a game. A dumb game. Playing like she does. Acting like I’m not even there.
Why did I remember that?
I should have just laughed.
It’s going to be okay. She isn’t angry anymore. I saw her crying on TV.
“All we want is to have you home.”
Home.
Gloria is like that. She always turns things around. She’s never made me disappear forever.
MAISY
I opened my eyes and Gloria was sitting on my bed with her face wrinkled up. She smoothed my blanket. Her eyes were pink. She had a ball of tissue scrunched in her hand. She’d been crying, and my insides dropped down.
“I was so worried,” she said. “Can you fathom coming home from work and having no idea where you were?”
I shook my head.
“I looked everywhere, Bids. Frantic. I was about to call the police.”
My throat went small. I couldn’t swallow.
“You can’t keep doing that to me. Going in the woods and then, and then hiding in the shed. Very last place I looked. Sleeping like a baby. Chicken trapped in there with you. Whimpering up a storm.”
“Chicken?”
“Licking your face so hard I’m surprised you don’t got a welt.”
“In the shed?”
“Yes, oh yes. In the shed. Pinched right between a muddy shovel and a basket of old rags. A bucket of nails just about fell on your beautiful head.”
It was a bad, bad dream. She ruffled my hair.
“Can you imagine my shock?” She pushed the tissues into her nose. “Why on earth would you leave Erma’s?”
I sat up and the sparkles came again. They zoomed all around Gloria’s head like tiny fireflies.
“You can tell me, I won’t be mad.”
“I had to leave.”
“What?”
“Shar told me to. To go home.”
“You listening to Shar again?” Gloria made her teeth clang. “How can she be ten years old and such a little bitch already?”
Then I remembered what Pearl said. About watching Rowan. My mouth turned dry and my head fell back a bit. I couldn’t tell Gloria about me and Shar trying to talk to him.
Gloria put her hand on my chest. “You got to take in more air, Bids. You got lungs for a reason.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what happened.”
I was in the shed, not the basement. Dreaming and dreaming of milk crates and Chicken’s ruffly fur and no surprise and dirty finger worms under a door. So strange and scary. They wanted to touch me.
“The door was locked so I went in the shed. Chicken got in there, too. He was after Rowan’s ball.”
“Yes, and?”
“He got the ball and I didn’t want him to explode it. I chased him all around the grass and into the hou—”
“The house was locked up, sweetheart. I must have left Chicken outside without a drop of water. I don’t know where my mind is these days. And then to find the two of you in the shed. You don’t know my relief.”
I closed my eyes for a second. “I fell asleep in there.”
“That’s quite a bump you got on your head.”
I nodded and touched the little egg. Gloria picked up my arm and bent it. She poked at my ribs and tapped where my heart was. She put her hands on my hair and felt all over. She made me count her fingers. One. Three. Two.
“You’ll be fine, says Dr. Gloria.”
I nodded again.
“Do you want to say something to me?”
“I didn’t mean it.”
“That’s okay, darling.” It was a real darling. “I’ll just be having a talk with Erma, that’s all. If she can’t be there to keep half an eye on you, after all I been through, what’s the point of her?”
More tears came out of my eyes. They jumped off my cheeks and landed on my nightgown.
“There, there, now, Bids. Gloria doesn’t know what all the fuss is about.” She slid her arms around my back and hugged me up tight. Her shirt smelled like nighttime. Then she let go. She patted at my pillow and smiled. Then behind her back she pulled Jenny the Head.
“You found her!”
“I did.”
“Thank you. I didn’t know where I lost her to.”
“She was in with the laundry, Bids. Honestly, you can’t keep track of nothing.”
I held Jenny the Head. I sniffed her hair.
“But I’m not mad, though. I can’t be mad, darling. Want to know why?”
I nodded.
“I borrowed Mrs. Murtry’s car again and took a lovely drive. Belinda’s such a kind lady, she didn’t mind at all. And it was wonderful, Bids. Really great to clear my head. I played some radio and had the windows down. Air rushed in and it all smelled so fresh.” Gloria reached for the bottle full of syrup. “I don’t think I’ve been that calm in a long, long time. It made me feel full up inside. Doing something just for me.” She poured green into my nighttime spoon. Then put it in my mouth. “Every drop,” she said. “Down the hatch.”
I swallowed. I could feel it spreading across my ribs. All that green was good for me. It tasted like mint. Not peppermint but that other kind. I sneezed twice.
“You were so late,” I told her.
“I’m sorry if you thought that. I really am.” She put the cap back on the bottle, grabbed my hand. “We’re like two halves of a snap, Bids. Sometimes apart, but meant to stay together.”
I smiled some more.
“I’m the most important person in your life, you know. No matter what.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Tell me you love me best.”
“I love you, Gloria. I do.” Tears came out again. I couldn’t keep them inside. I loved Gloria so much it made me shake.
“There,” she said. “There. Time to sleep.”
Gloria turned off the light and went away, but I wouldn’t close my eyes. I kept thinking about Pearl. I had a feeling she was hanging around in the dark. I bet she followed me home. She went through the walls and came into my bedroom. She could be floating right over my bed. I reached up my hands but there was nothing in the air.
I read a ghost book once. Some ghosts said stupid ghost stuff. Some ghosts were mean. But some were nice. Rowan would be a nice ghost. I knew that for sure. But I was afraid to talk to him. A cold shiver went up my back. I pulled up my blanket. My mind was full of strings. There were lots of ends sticking out. I didn’t want to pull at nothing. My head wanted to think, but I wouldn’t let it. I stopped it. I stopped it hard.
Soon the green cough vitamin medicine sneaked up into my head. It made me feel warm and heavy and good. The egg didn’t hurt no more and I had to close my eyes.
MAISY
“I haven’t the faintest what this is about!”
Gloria’s yelling woke me up. I went to the top of the stairs and peeked over. The door was open and sunshine was coming in and a policeman was standing there. It was not the man with the funny ties but the man with the blue pants and blue shirt. The one with the gun on his belt.
“Now, Officer Cooper, this can’t be another complaint. Not with all I’m going through.”
“I’m just doing my job, ma’am.”
“What’s he saying?”
The man opened up his notebook. “Mr. Janes states he and his wife saw—”
“His wife?”
He put his notebook closer to his face. “Sorry, ma’am. He and his girlfriend saw you trespassing on their property yesterday evening, and Ms. Jenkins states she saw you outside the bedroom window of their bungalow, watching her undress.”
“What? That’s the last thing I’d want to see. That witch undress.”
“And when Mr. Janes went to investigate he discovered damage to the vinyl siding of his home.”
“Damage. There was no damage.”
“Cut marks, he said. He claims you made stab holes in the siding with a sharp instrument like a screwdriver or a knife.”
“So a raccoon scratches up his house and frightens that—that thing, and you come see me?”
“Vinyl siding’s pretty tough, ma’am. I had it installed on my own house two years ago.”
“Telly thinks this is funny, I bet. This is all some kind of joke.”
“No, ma’am. He doesn’t see it as a joke. He sees it as escalating behavior, and we’re taking it seriously.”
“You are, are you?” Gloria laughed a big laugh. “Well, that certainly means a lot. Your Detective Aiken said the same thing when my son got taken. I believe you even said it yourself.”
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