Hideaway

by Nicole Lundrigan

  “Well,” she said to Gran. “The only approach we can take right now is to try and prepare her.”

  “How do you prepare a small child to visit jail?”

  Jail?

  “If we can help her understand what to expect—”

  “How on earth could we do that?”

  “Go through the process. Discuss different scenar—”

  “Listen. My daughter’s not a good woman, Dr. Westerly. I’ve tried and tried to figure it out, but I haven’t the faintest clue why. I don’t know where I went wrong.”

  “Mrs.—”

  “I mean, how could I raise such a shallow, vengeful, destructive person?”

  Dr. Westerly didn’t answer for a minute. Then she said, “But she’s still a person, isn’t she? We need to help Maisy realize that. Her mother is a person. A very flawed person, granted. One who’s done terrible, terrible things, but still just a person.” I heard some papers moving around. “I think we’ll discover Maisy is much stronger than we think.”

  I closed my eyes and put my hand on my throat. My heart was going tak-tak-tak. That old woodpecker was back in there, making a lot of noise in my neck.

  * * *

  —

  A police lady opened a metal door to a big room. Another girl walked right past me, but my feet didn’t want to move. The room had too many people talking and laughing and smoking and having snacks. It had tables and chairs and those machines with jelly beans and gumballs inside. There was a high-up counter and two police people stood on the other side of it. They were frowning like Shar always did when she was bored.

  The lady put her hand on my shoulder. “You need to go in, sweetheart, else the door might close on us.” She said it in a friendly way. “I’ll help you find your mom, okay?”

  I took a step.

  “My daughter!”

  I blinked. Then I saw her. Gloria was rushing across the room to me. Her sneakers squeaked on the shiny floor. Her hair was shorter and turned back to brown and her face was covered in powder. She was wearing blue-green pants and a blue-green sweatshirt, just like all the other ladies who lived there.

  “My daughter!” she said again.

  “That your mom?” the lady said.

  Before I could nod Gloria said “I sure am,” and she grabbed my hand and pulled me over to a table. I sat on one of the chairs. She sat next to me. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” she said. “What took you so long?”

  I chewed my lip.

  “I’m sure I already know the answer. You’d come see me first thing if you had a choice.”

  My teeth pulled off some skin, and a bad taste went on my tongue.

  “Well, no matter. You’re here now. You’re here with Gloria.”

  I nodded and looked around the room. There was someone in blue-green at almost every table. One wall was big windows and the other walls were yellow like our happy, happy door. I wondered if Gloria noticed, and if she liked the color or if it made her sad.

  A lady passed our table and slapped it hard. I jumped and so did the black plastic ashtray that was in front of me. The lady had a heart tattoo on her arm that was jabbed through with a sword and pretend blood drops were falling out.

  “That your girl?” the lady said. “She’s just gorgeous.”

  Gloria slid some of my hair behind my ear with her fingernail. When she touched me I tried not to move. “Don’t I know it,” she said. “She’s the spit of me.”

  “No joke there, Glory.” Then the lady went to another table and a man in a blue coat got up and hugged her. He had a cigarette inside his mouth and it wiggled up and down when he talked.

  “Glory. Isn’t that lovely?” Gloria said. “That’s what they were calling me, from the first day. Just to boost me up. They know I don’t belong here.”

  I don’t belong here.

  I squeezed my hands together. “Oh,” I said. I sounded like a squeaking mouse, but Gloria laughed.

  “Of course you’re nervous, darling. You and me never could tolerate hubbub, could we? Always enjoyed peace and quiet.” She shrugged. “But. You adjust.”

  I nodded again. She reached over and held onto my hand. Her skin was warm, and around my mouth went tingly and my fingers felt strange. I checked my middle. Dr. Westerly told me when I started to feel shaky, I should listen to my lungs. Make sure they were getting air all the way in the bottom. I took a deep breath through my nose, like we practiced, and blew it out through my mouth.

  “Have you been getting my letters?”

  I glanced at my sneakers. Gran let me pick them out myself.

  “You haven’t! I can’t believe it. Do you know I’ve written you every single day? Trying to explain so you’ll understand.”

  I shook my head. I tried Dr. Westerly’s trick again, but it wasn’t working.

  “That woman!” She let go of my hand and went back in the plastic chair. “Always interfering. What does she think? Stealing my letters is going to change something? You’re here, aren’t you? She probably tried to stop it, but I know my rights. It’s piss in her eye.”

  I took more slow breaths and I tried to stay very, very still. When we drove to the jail Gran told me over and over Gloria was a regular person. She couldn’t hurt me or read my mind. We weren’t attached by strings. “If she pushes, you don’t have to bend.”

  When Gloria talked again, her voice was quiet. “I tried to hate you, you know. I really did. For what you did to me. How could you destroy me like that? But being separated from a daughter does something to a mother, Bids.” No one had called me Bids in a long time. “Of course you don’t understand, but it makes things all clear. These months being stuck in here, I’ve changed my mind and I’ve changed myself. People can do that when they got a lot of muscle upstairs.” She pointed at her forehead.

  I chewed my lip some more. Maybe Gloria had changed. She was right. People could do that. People could be better. Dr. Westerly even said so. Maybe she felt bad about everything. About what she did to Rowan. Or maybe she was confused when it happened and thought she was doing something right. Some parts of it were still fuzzy. Maybe those parts were just a dream. I wasn’t sure.

  “I decided you’re going to come see me every week. We’ll iron this out in person. Knit you and me back together. Like we used to be.”

  I swallowed and nodded. My eyes were burning, and I kept blinking. The lady at the next table was crying. She was smoking and picking at a dot of black on her cheek. It wasn’t coming off.

  “You listening to me? Or is that stranger so interesting you can’t tear yourself away? Maybe you should go sit over there with her. You seem to like her so much better.”

  My leg bobbed up and down. “I’m sorry, Gloria.”

  She touched my cheek with her finger. “That’s okay, darling. I’d just like to spend this time together. Me and you. Tell you everything that’s going on.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said again.

  “I already got a lot of friends, Bids. I keep busy. Sometimes I’m in the laundry, and sometimes I help in the kitchen. We got a garden. I’ve been going to church. Don’t miss a week.” She smiled. “And I’ve also met someone special. Well, not met exactly. Yet!” She rolled her eyes, but in a nice way. “I got a letter the first week I was here. And I took a chance and wrote him back. And so it goes. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have someone I can rely on. Who believes in me and supports me.” My hand was in hers again. I didn’t know how it got there. “His name’s Timothy. Isn’t that a handsome name? We’re already making plans—you know, once all this annoyance gets sorted?”

  Gloria giggled. She seemed so happy. I didn’t know if I was happy for her. But if I was, was that okay? I had to remember to ask Dr. Westerly.

  “You drift off again?”

  I shook my head.

  “ ’Cause I got something important to say.” She coughed. “I’m sorry if your growing up hasn’t been perfect. I’m sorry you think wrong things the way you do. I’m sorry my
own daughter can hold such a repulsive grudge against me.” She folded her arms across her chest. “There. I made a proper apology. I hope you see fit to accept it.”

  I looked her in the eyes. Just for a second. I wanted to say something, but my mind was all muddy. Nothing would come out.

  “Oh, Bids. It’s not fair, you know.” She squeezed my shoulder and shook it a bit. “Every single thing I’ve ever done is with the best intentions. Will you look at me again?” I looked at her again. “You see, I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I honestly didn’t. There was so much commotion, wasn’t there? I thought once your brother got to a better place, a safer place, you know, inside his messed-up brain, things’d be fine. And then the grease fire. That was so unexpected, wasn’t it? Who could’ve imagined? Not me, for one.”

  I looked down at my hand. My eyes were still burning and all those dirty cigarette smells were going up my nose. My heart was going fast, and my head skipped right back to when I was in that smoke. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t breathe. I felt the lock, but I couldn’t open it. It was so hot and it burned and I had to let it go.

  “And how’s that brother of yours doing?”

  “Good,” I whispered.

  “Good? That’s all you got to say?”

  “I don’t know.” He went to a movie with his friends, and a girl named Melody. She had long brown hair and wore a tam and a sweater. Gran made a joke and Rowan’s face got red.

  “Well he always was a tough one to handle. But I have to tell you.” She put her elbows on the table and put her chin in her hands. “What he did gave me great pleasure. Still does. Can you let him know?”

  I opened my mouth. I didn’t understand.

  Then she leaned close to me and talked real quiet. “That stuff about Telly. What he said. Of course I confirmed every word to the authorities. Believe me, I had my story straight, and they didn’t need much more. I think about it all the time, and my whole inside fills right up with delight.” Gloria laughed. “Once this confusion is straightened out, I’ll be out enjoying life and Telly’ll still be paying for what he done.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m so glad your brother told the truth. Tell Rowan to come visit. The past is the past is the past, and he’s still mine after all.”

  I nodded, but I knew that was a lie. Dr. Westerly told me no person owned another person. Not even Gloria.

  “You don’t talk much, do you? Even less than you used to.”

  I blinked and blinked. My eyes were burning from the cigarettes and my ears rang from all the noise. Everyone was talking and laughing and crying all at once. I didn’t like it there.

  “No wonder you look so dazed. That woman you’re living with is bland beyond. Not a creative bone in her body.” Gloria rolled her eyes again, but not in a nice way this time. “When I get out, we’ll spend time together. You won’t fritter away another second of your life being bored. I can promise you that. We’ll do things we used to do. Me and you.”

  Gloria spun the ashtray around. There was white coating on the inside and some of it flew out on the table. I could smell the dirt.

  “Bids?”

  “Mm?”

  “You know it was just a terrible, regretful accident, right? My heart is just broken. Completely broken. And I’m paying the price, aren’t I? I mean, look at me.” She grabbed her hair and patted her dusty cheeks. “I’m paying for everyone’s guilt. Yours included. The entire damn community’s, if you ask me. Everyone let me down.”

  My heart was hammering on my throat. I tried to remember my lungs. They were squeezed up. But not with sadness this time. There was something else there. Hot and stuck and twisting up through my middle. Like one of Chicken’s burrs.

  A bell rang and all the ladies stood up. I stood up, too.

  “I’m allowed a hug, you know.”

  She pulled me into her arms. “I’ll always be your mother, darling. And you’ll always be my daughter.” Her clothes were stiff, and she squeezed me hard. “Tell me you love me best.”

  I love you best. I love you best.

  “Let me hear you say it, Bids.”

  I opened my mouth. The words were right there, spinning around in my head, ready to gush out. But when I listened close, like Dr. Westerly taught me, I knew they didn’t sound like me. I knew those words weren’t mine.

  * * *

  —

  Most nights I dreamt about Rowan falling in the water, but after I went to visit jail, I dreamt about Gloria. I watched her tumbling into a lake, and she made a huge splash. I peeked over and saw her sinking and sinking. Her white face and white hands turned the sick color of weeds as she went down. She was looking at me and bubbles zipped up from nowhere. I jumped and swam to her. I tugged at her clothes and her hair to turn her around. She hugged me around my middle and squeezed me while my legs kicked and my hands scooped. I tried hard, but I couldn’t swim through the water. Then I felt it. She was so heavy. And I wasn’t going higher up, I was going down. I wriggled free and floated to the surface. Two arms reached out for me. I saw a perfect island spot. They were Rowan’s arms, and they grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the boat.

  When I woke up, I thought about my dream. I would have to remember it, so I could tell Dr. Westerly. How I looked back into the black water and she was gone. I didn’t feel nervous or scared, even though, in my head, that was the first time I done that.

  I let Gloria disappear.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I would like to thank the Toronto Arts Council for supporting this project. I would also like to thank my agent, Hilary McMahon, of Westwood Creative Artists. Not only does she offer expert guidance and a bottomless well of enthusiasm, she and her colleagues work tirelessly in support of writers and writing. I am grateful to be under those wings. When I shared the book with my first readers, Aniko Biber and Tania Madden, I was (as always) apprehensive. Their kind words and thoughtful suggestions brought the book to a stronger place. Finally, a heartfelt thank-you to my editor, Lara Hinchberger, at Penguin Random House Canada. She saw the worth in my characters and their experiences, and her insight was truly extraordinary. With her careful direction, I was able to fully discover the story I wanted to tell.

  Thank you for downloading this eBook.

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