by James Cox
You're not lonely. You're just horny.
Wanna play cock, paper, scissors?
We dump our sperm in them, they dump their feelings in us.
Can I buy you a drink? Or several drinks until your judgment is clouded and your inhibitions are lowered?
It’s fucking adorable how fat people think we care how much weight they’ve lost since the last time we saw them.
The realization that I am the villain of my own life story.
Who's going to narrate Morgan Freeman's bio when he dies?
I'm not in great shape but the running shoes I bought six months back are.
My wife is a genius. Today she invented, out of the clear blue sky, at least three problems that didn't exist before.
Got a filthy look from the checkout girl for buying vodka, orange juice, condoms and Alka-Seltzer. Like she has her life figured out.
It's amazing how my house can go from spotless to fucked up in just two kids.
I love you. You're perfect. Now change. For the love of God. Change everything.
Stop fucking whining about shit not going your way and just fake happiness like the rest of us.
I have no idea what women want, other than their way.
If a whore has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.
I wish there was background music in real life.
My secret weapon is my charm. It is so secret that most people never even realize I have it.
How did they decide who is the man of the house before the remote control?
My sex life appears to have entered the nursing home 30 years ahead of me.
I know English majors who engage in mutual masturbation just for the alliteration.
The best thing about going bald is women don't constantly badger you for sex.
I do an awesome job of pretending I'm pressing the "Door Open" button for people who are running toward the elevator.
My sex life is like a hostage negotiation. Some bribing followed by some sort of explosion and a lot of crying.
The best part about working at home is the alcohol.
I'm a sexual atheist. I don't believe I'll ever get laid.
You never realize what you have till its gone.
Toilet paper is a good example of this.
I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you.
They're all assholes. Just pick the one with the best cock and try to stick with him.
If you don't know anything about bondage, I'll be happy to show you the ropes.
Girls who take a self-portrait dressed like sluts with glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol!" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.
I think my black friend is a vegetarian. Whenever I see him with my wife, he always has a cucumber in his front pocket.
You have never experienced true loneliness until you've been married.
1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 18909 islands, 7 oceans, over 7 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.
Nike dropped Lance Armstrong, but didn't drop Tiger Woods. So I guess in America you can cheat on your wife, but not on your bike.
A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.
You're gonna make a great ex-wife.
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"No, it's ANXIETY GIRL!"
If you're a woman and you're not mad at a man right now then you're not doing it right.
Why did the tree cross the road?
A woman crashed into it.
If you're stuck in the Friendzone,
here's a simple 5-step solution:
1) Stop.
2) Being.
3) Her.
4) Fucking.
5) Bitch.
"Are you nuts?”
“Who knows? Insanity is comparative. Who sets the norm?”
Table of Contents
Inside Cover
Dedication
Blurb
Preface
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