by A. T Brennan
“It was fine.”
“Just fine?”
“He’s a nice guy.”
“That’s what you saw about your butcher, not the guy you just went on a date with.”
“You have a butcher?”
“You know what I mean.” He rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer.
“I don’t know. I’ve never been on a date so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel.”
“Did he kiss you?”
“Yeah.”
“And...” he prompted when I paused. “How was it?”
“Fine, nice.”
“Wow, don’t get all sappy on me.” He laughed and lifted his cup. “You’re going to make me blush.”
“I don’t know. It was nice, but I didn’t really feel anything.”
“For him or during the kiss?”
“Honestly both,” I admitted.
“How many guys have you kissed?”
“Why?”
“If he’s your first, or one of your first then it’s normal not to really feel anything. You’re getting used to it.”
“He’s not my first.” I blushed and quickly drank down more beer, hoping to pass off my flushed cheeks as the beginning of a buzz. “There was someone before him.”
“So was it better than with the first guy?”
“Um...”
“You don’t need to be shy around me.” He grinned wickedly. “The last party we went to you watched me stick my tongue down someone’s throat.”
“Gross.” I grinned and finished off my drink. “No, it was very different before.”
“What do you mean?”
“The first guy I kissed, it was amazing. Like I felt things I never had.”
“Really, do tell.”
“I feel so stupid saying it out load, but I tingled. Like my entire body tingled and my heart sped up and all I could think about was the kiss. It was like the whole world melted away and all that was left was us, in that moment.”
“Wow.” Logan stared at me. “Normally a kiss gets me hot and bothered, but the world-clearing tingles is usually attached to love.”
“What?”
“You told me you’ve never been in love.”
“I haven’t.”
“But you just described a love kiss.”
“It was a kiss. No love, just tingles.”
“Are you sure? If not love then some serious emotions.”
“It wasn’t anything like that. Just a kiss.” I shook my head and tried to change the subject before my face gave away my panic. I was a terrible liar and Logan would see right through me.
“And with James it was less than that.”
“A lot less. It was nice but I really didn’t feel anything.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
“I told him we’d meet up for coffee this week.”
“Even with no spark?”
“Maybe last time was a fluke.” I shrugged. “Maybe I just have to get to know him better and I’ll feel something more.”
“Maybe.” He finished his drink and grinned. “Come on, let’s dance.”
“Dance?”
“Drunk dancing with your gay bestie is something you’re going to have to get used to.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the house.
“But I’m not drunk.”
“No, but one more and I will be.” He laughed over his shoulder as he looked back at me. “Come on, let loose and live a little.”
I had to laugh at his enthusiasm, and he was right. It was a party and I was there with my best friend. I might as well experience dancing with someone I knew would talk to me tomorrow. Logan might not be able to help me experience all my firsts, but he could do some of them.
MATT
I was pissed off and I wasn’t exactly sure why.
I’d gone to the Sigma house party and Jax had immediately introduced me to Amber, his date’s best friend. She’d been everything I was used to. She flirted, teased and let me know exactly what she was thinking and what she wanted, but I just hadn’t been feeling it.
She’d wanted a drink so we’d had one. She’d wanted to dance so we did. She’d kissed me and I’d kissed her back, but it hadn’t done anything for me.
It was nice and she’d felt and smelled good against me, but there had been no arousal on my part. I’d tried to want more, but it was as though I was kissing her on autopilot and was just going through the motions. That wasn’t fair to either or us and I’d been about to stop and find a way to politely excuse myself so I could go home and hopefully get drunk enough I stopped thinking about the reason I wasn’t into Amber.
She wasn’t Avery.
Every moment I was with Amber I’d compared her to Avery. Amber’s perfume was subtle and floral, but all I could think about was the mysterious combination of strawberries and cinnamon that followed Avery around. Her body had been tall and tight, but I’d missed the feel of Avery’s softer and shorter frame. Her kiss had been aggressive and a little forceful and all I could think about was how Avery’s lips were soft and gentle. I’d even pictured Avery’s aqua eyes as Amber had batted her eyelashes at me and thought about how innocent and pure Avery’s looks were compared to the way Amber’s brown eyes were pretty much undressing me.
Then Avery had bumped into me.
Fuck. Why did she have to pick that moment to be at the party? Five more seconds and I wouldn’t have been kissing Amber. One more minute and I would have been standing with Logan or on my way home.
Instead she’d picked that moment to bump into me and catch me making out with another girl.
It wasn’t her fault, on some level I knew that, but I was angry at myself so I wasn’t exactly thinking rationally.
The look of hurt and devastation in her eyes had been heartbreaking, but before I could think of an appropriate thing to say the fact that she’d been on a date flashed through my mind and I wondered if she’d been kissing her date like I’d been kissing Amber. That thought had made me angry and I’d lashed out at her and acted like a complete ass.
I had no claim on her, I knew that. I’d spent the last two weeks avoiding her, but I still felt like she was mine. The thought of her kissing another guy made me sick. It was all very caveman of me, but I didn’t want her to be with someone else because she belonged with me.
I stood and began pacing my room. I felt like I was going to burst I was so wound up.
I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with me.
Avery was off limits. She was Logan’s friend and a virgin. She was way too good for an ass like me and Logan had told me to stay away from her.
I’d fucked everything up when I’d kissed her. Holding her during a scary movie was one thing. It was still in the friendly zone even if the very memory of cuddling her made my dick hard and my balls tight.
The moment I’d kissed her I’d shifted things out of the friend zone, and when I’d touched her, given her an orgasm, that was so far beyond friends I couldn’t even see it in the rear view mirror.
I didn’t know how to go back to being friends after sharing that with her. I’d never tried to be friends with a girl I’d been intimate with, not because I was an asshole who used girls for sex and then left them high and dry, but because I made sure to fuck girls who were on the same page as me and wanted sex and nothing more. If there was even a hint that she was looking for more then I walked away.
I’d kept to that rule since I was seventeen and I’d done a complete about-face the moment Avery had looked up at me with her wide and innocent eyes and asked me to kiss her.
“Fuck it.” I grabbed my sweater and threw the door to my room open. I was way too wired to stay in the apartment. I was going to go for a walk and try to clear my head, or at least walk myself into exhaustion so I could fall asleep and forget about the whole night.
* * * * *
“Good morning sunshine.” Logan’s chipper voice assaulted my ears the moment I walked out of my room.
“Fuck off.”
He laughed and watched me stumble into the kitchen. “Hangover?”
“Tired.” I didn’t even bother looking back at him as I poured the rest of the coffee in the pot into the biggest mug we had and started gulping it down.
“Wow, warm black coffee today? You must be exhausted. I didn’t hear you come in last night.”
“It was technically this morning.” I gulped down some more of the bitter, lukewarm coffee and went to sit on the couch with him. I didn’t really want to talk but I knew he would just follow me into my room if he was in the mood to chat.
“Lucky man.” He grinned. “I take it what’s-her-face had a good night too?”
“What?” Who the hell was he talking about?
“Amy, or Annie...the friend Jax set you up with.”
“Amber.”
“Fine, Amber.” He rolled his eyes.
“I didn’t go home with her.”
“So you found someone else?”
“No one else.” I drank down the rest of the coffee, hoping the caffeine would kick in soon because my brain was still half asleep.
“Then why were you gone until the wee hours of the morning?”
“I was walking around.”
“Why?”
“I needed to clear my head.”
“Matty—”
“What about you?” I cut him off before I could say anything about the reason why I needed to clear my head. “You meet anyone?”
“Sadly no. But Avery and I are heading to Prism tonight so I’m hoping my luck will change?”
“I would have thought she’d have another date.” I mentally cursed myself for letting that slip out. Why couldn’t I control my stupid mouth whenever he mentioned her name?
“She’s seeing him later this week, I think. Anyway, we’re having an ‘us’ night.”
“You need me to be scarce if you meet someone?” I tried changing the subject so he wouldn’t wonder why I cared what Avery did or didn’t do.
“I’ll text you if I do. Not sure.”
“Cool.”
“Plans tonight?”
“Homework.”
“Boring.”
I grinned and leaned back against the couch. Now my brain was awake. “Maybe, but if I don’t want to fail then I actually have to study.”
“I guess we can’t all be geniuses like me.”
“I guess not.” I laughed. “Too bad for me.”
“Want to hit the gym before your boring ass night?”
“Yeah, I could use a good workout. Give me about half an hour to get ready?”
“Sure thing.”
I stood and headed into the kitchen to get something to eat. A workout was exactly what I needed to get my mind off Avery and forget about how I was never going to the right guy for her.
* * * * *
The ringing of my phone broke into my thoughts, making me jump. I’d been reading the same chapter for about half an hour, trying to absorb even a single page but my mind couldn’t seem to retain anything.
I picked up my phone and glanced at both the time and the call ID on the screen. It was just before midnight, and the name said ‘Avery’. Why was she calling me at midnight on a Saturday night?
“Hello?”
“Matt?”
“Avery? Is everything okay?”
“Not really.”
Her voice was hesitant and a little scared, and it sent a shiver up my spine. “Are you okay? Is Logan?”
“Logan’s fine, as far as I know. He left with a guy he met. Said he knew him and would call me tomorrow.”
“Are you okay?”
“I-I’m kind of stranded.”
“What do you mean?”
“Logan’s gone and someone stole my wallet.”
“What?”
“I put my purse down at the table we were standing at. It was open and I guess someone lifted my wallet when I wasn’t looking. I didn’t notice until I went to get a cab home. I have no money, no way to get home and Logan didn’t answer his phone. I didn’t know who else to call—”
“Where are you?”
“At Prism.”
“Are you outside or inside?”
“Outside.”
“Go back inside, you’ll be safer off the street. I’ll text you when I get there.”
“I’m sorry to bother you—”
“It’s okay. Just go back into the club and wait for me, okay?”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
“Bye.”
I ended the call and closed my book, all thoughts of studying gone from my mind.
AVERY
I felt so stupid standing in the entryway to Prism waiting for Matt to show up. The bouncer had been really nice and let me wait inside when I told him what happened. He’d taken a description of my wallet and my number and promised to pass it on to the manager in case my ID or anything was found.
Matt was going to think I was a loser, and a moron. I’d probably interrupted a date or something and I wouldn’t blame him for being mad at me. I would have called someone else, anyone else, but he and Logan were the only two contacts in my phone and I hadn’t had another option.
I was just thinking about how embarrassing the entire situation was when my phone beeped in my hand.
Matt: I’m outside in a cab.
I bit my lip and shoved my phone in my purse as I headed out the door.
The cab was right in front of the door and I tried to shove my nerves aside as I walked over to it. Matt pushed the door open from the inside and slid over so I could get in without walking around to the other side of the car.
“Are you okay?” he asked as soon as I was settled.
“I’m fine, just feel like an idiot.”
“Why?” he asked as the cab pulled away from the club and onto the street.
“I should have kept a better eye on my purse. It never occurred to me that someone would steal my wallet while I was right there.”
“That wouldn’t occur to most people,” he said kindly. “Shit happens. Bad people do things when they see an opportunity. You can’t blame yourself.”
“I still feel stupid.”
“Did you have a lot in there?”
“A little cash, my ID.” I shrugged and looked down at my hands. “And a credit card my dad gave me for emergencies. I had to call him before I called you so he could cancel it.”
“Was he mad?”
“No, he was cool about it. Told me to call him tomorrow. He was more worried that I was okay than the card.”
“So there’s nothing to feel stupid about.” He smiled and reached over to pat my hand. The moment his skin touched mine a jolt of electricity shot through me. I tried to hide how much that simple touch had affected me and gave him a small smile.
“I’m sorry if I ruined your night.”
“Trust me, you didn’t ruin anything.”
“You weren’t on a date?”
“I was studying.”
“Oh, I guess Logan was right.”
“What?” He looked at me sharply. “What do you mean by that?”
“He told me you never see a girl twice, so the blonde from last night was just that. The blonde from last night.”
I saw a flare of anger and then hurt wash over his face before he looked away. “I didn’t have a ‘blonde’ last night.”
“But at the party—”
“I kissed her, you saw that much. But that was it. I left alone and went home alone.”
“But...”
“But what? Don’t believe that I can actually keep my dick in my pants around a hot chick?”
I gasped involuntarily at his words as the full meaning behind them hit me. Of course he hadn’t tried to have sex with me. I wasn’t hot enough.
“Avery, I didn’t mean that.” He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “Not the way it came out.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I only meant t
hat I’m not some sort of animal. Yes I have one-night stands, but I’m not some pervert who fucks every girl I meet. There wasn’t anything there with her so I ended things and left.”
“Oh, I see.” I bit my lip and looked at my hands for a second. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you’re some sort of sex fiend.”
“Logan knows me better than anyone. It’s true I have a certain reputation and he’s seen me with girls and how I don’t do repeats, but it’s not for the reason the thinks.”
“Why does he think you do it?”
“Because I don’t care about anyone and just want to get my dick wet.”
“And why do you do it?”
“Because that’s all they want from me.”
“What?”
“Chicks see me and think I’ll be a good time. They’re not interested in anything else so it’s not me fucking and leaving, it’s both of us.”
“And what if they did want more?” I asked quietly, barely breathing as his blue eyes bore into mine.
“Then I usually stay the hell away from them.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m just going to get my heart broken in the long run. Why bother setting myself up to be hurt?”
“You don’t think someone could be with you and not hurt you?”
“Outside of Logan, Jax, Jay, and our parents, no one has ever loved me. I was either a burden or a dirty little secret they wanted to keep hidden. I haven’t changed so why would anyone treat me different?”
I stared at him, unable to believe he truly thought that.
“Matt, you’re an awesome guy. Just because people have been jerks to you in the past doesn’t mean there aren’t good people out there who will love and accept you for who you are.”
I had no idea why that popped out of my mouth, but I’d said it before I could even think about it.
“You think so?” he asked, staring at me with heat in his eyes.
“I do.”
His eyes swept over me and I shuddered slightly. “How many drinks have you had?”
“Two.”
“When was the last one?”
“Over an hour ago.”
His eyes settled on my lips and I felt my body tighten. “Looks like we’re here.”
“What?” I blinked and turned to look out the window. He was right, we were at my building. “Wow, that was fast.”
Matt grinned and looked me up and down again.