by Alana Massey
I told a friend from Yale Divinity School about the episode early in the winter that followed as we made the case to ourselves that New York was the best city to live in on earth and that Southern California was a destination for moral failures. She recommended a text by Thomas Merton, a mystic I had read on days when no one died on the beach and therefore had allowed to let slip away from my memory more easily. He wrote:
Yet look at the deserts today. What are they? The birthplace of a new and terrible creation, the testing ground of the power by which man seeks to un-create what God has blessed. Today, in the century of man’s greatest technological achievement, the wilderness at last comes into its own… He can build there his fantastic, protected cities of withdrawal and experimentation and vice… They are brilliant and sordid smiles of the devil upon the face of the wilderness, cities of secrecy where each man spies on his brother, cities through whose veins money runs like artificial blood, and from whose womb will come the last and greatest instrument of destruction.
I stop short of agreeing with this account entirely, because to suggest that James is the anti-Christ is to give him too much credit. When I had been afraid in the aftermath of his threats, my friend Phoebe, whose name is the only real one used in this story, told me with remarkable certainty, “That man is a loser who will never accomplish anything, including your murder.” She was right. I am a small person inside and out, and he couldn’t even destroy me, much less civilization. But I can return to that brilliant sordid smile resting on a face that did not betray the wasteland beneath it and still be unnerved by its cruel forgery.
In Los Angeles, the city marches on as a permanent paradise, a facade that requires it to desperately pump water in from other regions to nurture the foreign flora that make it so appealing an imitation of life. It is a city that was literally built to construct lies upon, the old photographs of movie sets of brilliant cities set against the background of a desert betraying the unreality of its current beauty. It is then that I am grateful for the brutal and increasingly endless New York winters that crack the skin to the point of bleeding, proving the existence of a beating heart below.
Like Maria on her drives into the desert, I picked up a habit of running to the Atlantic at 4 a.m. along Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn. The destination is Coney Island but only because it happens to be at the edge of the city; it is there in the morning lights that I am often struck again by a parallel to the story in my own life. It is there that I have resisted my resistance to feeling too heavily reliant on writers like Joan and the women they breathe something like life into to give a narrative arc to my life, to make it more than nothing. To still play. Of Play It as It Lays, she said specifically that it is “a white book to which the reader would have to bring his or her own bad dreams.” And so it is where I put my collection of bad dreams, both the ones that I lived and the ones that came to me in my sleep. And so I think of that birthday week and the tulle dress and the man with smoke in his voice as the time I thought I was abandoning the cunning appeal of a sleek and serpentine desert, but was actually stumbling into it.
I return often to the woods and how sincere James had seemed when he proclaimed the superiority of the city of his birth. He said he would stay forever, as if he were not only the city’s proud resident, but its heir apparent. But Joan also said, in her book The White Album, “A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.” And I have loved New York more radically by staying, by giving it more credit than it deserves because it is more easily broken than the desert because it is has more life within it. It is at dawn, looking into the blackness of the Atlantic, feeling the harsh winds and witnessing the unforgiving tides that bring a chill to the city, that I feel this place belongs to me now. And it is then that I am certain I dwell on a safer shore.
Acknowledgments
I am forever grateful for the steadying confidence and saintly patience that my agent, Adriann Ranta, had in my work long before anyone else had either. To witness Libby Burton’s ability to combine the editorial precision of a surgeon with an exuberant confidence in me rivaled only by my own mother’s was an honor and a privilege. The team at Grand Central Publishing, including production editor Carolyn Kurek, copy editor Deborah Wiseman, along with Lisa Honerkamp, Shelby Howick, and Caitlin Mulrooney-Lyski, who have echoed Libby’s enthusiasm and support with their work to make this book possible, has moved me profoundly. I can only hope to repay them in kind.
I want to thank my parents, Gail and Robert Massey, for eschewing the parental tradition of steering children away from creative professions and being the first true believers in my stories. My sister, Nova Massey, has been a source of love I can fold into and the only rock I am allowed to crash against as many times as I need. To the sisters I found later in life, Phoebe Anderson, Natasha Lennard, Alana Levinson, and Charlotte Shane: Your kind hearts and fierce minds are miracles the world hasn’t earned but I’m glad it has in it anyway. Craig Reynolds, I am so grateful that we found each other as I was stranded in the middle of this process and that your love and confidence brought me safely to the other shore.
To Olivia Hall and Evan Derkacz, the first editors who ever took a chance on a writer with the disjointed interests and the out-of-place divinity school degree: Thank you for taking a chance and for remaining strange. To my editors at BuzzFeed, Doree Shafrir, Arianna Rebolini, and Isaac Fitzgerald: Thank you for molding my essays into shapes that resonated with audiences I never knew how to reach.
To the small army of friends and supporters I have in my life willing to read my drafts, humor my rambling pitch ideas, and reply thoughtfully to my text message scrolls of insecurity and frustration: You have meant the world to me and helped me make my place in the world. So thank you, Lola Pellegrino, Kate D’Adamo, Emily Genetta, Melissa Gira Grant, Morgan Jerkins, Rachel Syme, Rachel Vorona Cote, Arabelle Sicardi, Cheyenne Picardo, Taina Martinez, Mychal Denzel Smith, Maria Bowler, John McElwee, Paul Lucas, Safy-Hallan Farah, Heather Havrilesky, Molly Crabapple, Matt Stupp, Suzan Eraslan, Rebecca Traister, Ashley Ford, Ryan Jacobs, Fariha Roisin, Meghan Daigneau, Lauren Clyne, Meaghan O’Connell, and so many more whom I have forgotten and will realize the moment I reread this list in print.
And finally, to the women who star in this book: Thanks for being a more stunning, ferocious, and wild gang of imaginary friends than I could ever dream up myself.
About the Author
Alana Massey is a writer whose work covers culture, identity, vice, and virtue. She is presently at work cultivating all four in her personal time. Massey’s essays, criticism, reviews, and reporting appear regularly in publications like The Guardian, New York Magazine, Elle, Hazlitt, The New Inquiry, BuzzFeed, and more, while photos of herself and her cat, Keith, can be found primarily on Twitter and nefarious men’s rights blog posts. Massey splits her time between New York City and Saugerties, New York, where she indulges her passions for books, cats, champagne, and glitter. Only occasionally all at once.
Notes
Being Winona; Freeing Gwyneth
1. Amelie Gillette, “Gwyneth Paltrow Finds Noted Music-maker William Joel Just Delightful,” A.V. Club, 11 June 2009, http://www.avclub.com/article/gwyneth-paltrow-finds-noted-music-maker-william-jo-29101.
2. Dodai Stewart, “Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Hire You!”, Jezebel, 2 June 2011, http://jezebel.com/5807846/gwyneth-paltrow-wants-to-hire-you.
3. Tonight Show with Jay Leno with Winona Ryder, Dailymotion, http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x134cik_tonight-show-with-jay-leno-with-winona-ryder_shortfilms.
4. Dylan Howard, “The Top Thirty Secrets and Scandals Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Want You to Know About,” RadarOnline, 3 December 2015, http://radaronline.com/photos/gwyneth-paltrow-secrets-exposed-vanity-fair-takedown/photo/585157/.
Public Figures
1. Ashley Ross, “Britney Does It Again,” Shape, June 2013, h
ttp://www.shape.com/blogs/fit-famous/britney-does-it-again-june-issue-shape.
2. Kyle Buchanan, “Crisis Averted: Jessica Simpson Defuses Rumor That Poppa Joe Fit Her for Training Bra,” Gawker, 24 June 2008, http://gawker.com/5019297/crisis-averted-jessica-simpson-defuses-rumor-that-poppa-joe-fit-her-for-training-bra.
3. “How Britney Lost Her Baby Weight,” People, 20 October 2006, http://celebritybabies.people.com/2006/10/20/how_britney_los/.
4. Chuck Klosterman, Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas (New York: Scribner, 2006), 12–20.
5. Steven Daly, “Britney Spears, Teen Queen: Rolling Stone’s 1999 Cover Story,” Rolling Stone, 29 March 2011, http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/britney-spears-teen-queen-rolling-stones-1999-cover-story-20110329#ixzz3tdTAwIoU.
Run the World
1. Eliza Thompson, “Amber Rose Talks Sex, Stripping, and How the Internet Made Her a ‘Feminist Monster,’” Cosmopolitan, 8 June 2015, http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/celebs/a40004/amber-rose-internets-most-fascinating/.
2. Trish Bendix, “Amber Rose Gets Her Own Radio Show, Says Her Sex Life Has Nothing to Do with Her Celebrity,” AfterEllen.com, 15 March 2011, http://www.afterellen.com/people/85897-amber-rose-gets-her-ownradio-show-says-her-sex-life-has-nothing-to-do-with-her-celebrity.
All the Lives I Want
1. Sylvia Plath Literature Flats—Made to Order, custombykylee, Etsy, no longer available on Etsy.
2. Sylvia Plath Doll Miniature Art Collectible Author and Writer, UneekDollDesigns, Etsy, https://www.etsy.com/listing/255285639/sylvia-plath-doll-miniature-art?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_b-art_and_collectibles-collectibles-figurines&utm_custom1=97827bf5-9227-4c29-b917-50c2a43fe284&gclid=CL3QkPDe8MkCFQwjHwod-bkK5g.
3. Marianne Egeland, Claiming Sylvia Plath: The Poet as Exemplary Figure (Cambridge: Cambridge Scholars Publishing, 2013).
4. Terry Castle, “The Unbearable,” New York Review of Books, 11 July 2013, http://www.nybooks.com/articles/2013/07/11/sylvia-plath-the-unbearable/.
5. Sylvia Plath Ink, Tumblr, http://sylviaplathink.tumblr.com/.
Heavenly Creatures
1. Chris Heath, “Fiona: The Caged Bird Sings,” Rolling Stone, 22 January 1998, http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/fiona-the-caged-bird-sings-19980122#ixzz3spITKzJ9.
2. John Calvert, “Original Sin: An Interview with Lana Del Rey,” Quietus, 4 October 2011, http://thequietus.com/articles/07106-lana-del-rey-interview.
3. Ibid.
4. Dan P. Lee, “‘I Just Want to Feel Everything’: Hiding Out with Fiona Apple, Musical Hermit,” Vulture, 17 June 2012, http://www.vulture.com/2012/06/hiding-out-with-fiona-apple-musical-hermit.html.
There Can Be Only One
1. “Rare Lil Kim Interview 1996,” PhatClips, shown on YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gTxNhUjs24.
2. Terry Sawyer, “Lil’ Kim: Hardcore,” PopMatters, 20 February 2003, http://www.popmatters.com/review/lilkim-hardcore/.
3. Rob Kemp, “Lil’ Kim: Biography,” The New Rolling Stone Album Guide, 2004, http://web.archive.org/web/20090423133705/http:/www.rollingstone.com/artists/lilkim/biography.
4. Greg Thomas, Hip-Hop Revolution in the Flesh: Power, Knowledge, and Pleasure in Lil’ Kim’s Lyricism (New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2009).
5. Ibid.
6. Ibid.
7. Danyel Smith, “She Got Game: Foxy Brown Wants to Know What’s Wrong with Being Sexy and Strong,” Vibe 6, no. 10 (December–January 1998–1999), 114.
8. Evelyn McDonnell, “Fox on the Run,” Village Voice, 2 February 1999, http://www.villagevoice.com/music/fox-on-the-run-6422594.
9. John Kennedy, “Opinion: The Real Reason Lil’ Kim Is Dissing Nicki Minaj,” Vibe, 7 August 2014, http://www.vibe.com/2014/08/opinion-real-reason-lil-kim-dissing-nicki-minaj/.
10. Gabriel Williams, “The Fly Discussion: Lil’ Kim Takes Shots at Nicki Minaj,” SFPL, http://stuffflypeoplelike.com/42323/the-fly-discussion-lil-kim-takes-shots-at-nicki-minaj/.
11. Vanessa Grigoriadis, “The Passion of Nicki Minaj,” New York Times Magazine, 7 October 2015, http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/11/magazine/the-passion-of-nicki-minaj.html?r=1.
12. Ibid.
13. Michael Cragg, “Interview: The Wrath of Lil Kim,” Guardian, 19 July 2013, http://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/jul/19/lil-kim-interview.
14. Joe Coscarelli, “Miley Cyrus on Nicki Minaj and Hosting a ‘Raw’ MTV Video Music Awards,” New York Times, 27 August 2015, http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/28/arts/music/miley-cyrus-2015-mtv-vmas.html?_r=0.
15. Grigoriadis, “The Passion of Nicki Minaj.”
The Queen of Hearts
1. David Fricke, “Hole: Live Through This,” Rolling Stone, 21 April 1994, http://www.rollingstone.com/music/albumreviews/live-through-this-19940421.
2. “25 Seminal Albums from 1994—And What NME Said at the Time,” NME, http://www.nme.com/photos/25-seminal-albums-from-1994-and-what-nme-said-at-the-time/330128.
3. Anwen Crawford, Hole’s Live Through This (New York: Bloomsbury, 2015), 73.
4. Adam Bychawski, “‘Live Through This’: Not a Hole Lotta Kurt,” NME, 16 October 1998, http://www.nme.com/news/courtney-love/634.
5. Tom Breihan, “Live Through This Turns 20,” StereoGum, 11 April 2014, http://www.stereogum.com/1675044/live-through-this-turns-20/franchises/the-anniversary/.
6. Alex Galbraith, “Why I Think Hole Is a Better Band Than Nirvana (No, Really, I’m Not Trolling),” UPROXX, 9 July 2015, http://uproxx.com/music/hole-vs-nirvana/.
7. Greg Fisher, “Lawsuit to Release Graphic Kurt Cobain Death Photos Thrown Out,” CBS News, 31 July 2015, http://www.cbsnews.com/news/lawsuit-to-release-graphic-kurt-cobain-death-photos-thrown-out/.
8. Kevin Sessums, “Love Child,” VF News, June 1995, http://www.vanityfair.com/news/1995/06/courtney-love-199506.
9. Poppy Z. Brite, Courtney Love: The Real Story (New York: Touchstone, 1997), 25.
10. Sessums, “Love Child.”
11. Craig Marks, “Endless Love,” Spin, February 1995, 47.
12. Brite, Courtney Love, 27.
13. Charles R. Cross, “The Moment Kurt Cobain Met Courtney Love,” Daily Beast, 5 April 2015, http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/03/04/the-moment-kurt-cobain-met-courtney-love.html.
14. “Love Conquers All,” Spin, May 1994, 39.
15. Brenna Ehrlich, “Michael Stipe Recalls Meeting Kurt Cobain—and His Blue Eyes,” MTV News, 11 April 2014, http://www.mtv.com/news/1725948/nirvana-michael-stipe-st-vincent-rock-hall-of-fame/.
16. “Cobain: Montage of Heck,” IMDB, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4229236/.
17. Crawford, Hole’s Live Through This, 19.
18. Owen Davies, Witchcraft, Magic and Culture 1736–1951 (Manchester: Manchester University Press, 1999), 174.
19. Sessums, “Love Child.”
Charlotte in Exile
1. Lost in Translation, http://www.lost-in-translation.com/.
2. Peter Travers, “Lost in Translation,” Rolling Stone, 8 September 2003, http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/lost-in-translation-20030908.
3. Elvis Mitchell, “Film Review; An American in Japan, Making a Connection,” New York Times, 12 September 2003, http://www.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9803E1D8133BF931A2575AC0A9659C8B63.
4. Peter Rainer, “Sleepless in Tokyo,” New York magazine, http://nymag.com/nymetro/movies/reviews/n_9178/.
5. Roger Ebert, “Lost in Translation,” 12 September 2003, http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/lost-in-translation-2003.
6. “Scarlett Johansson Takes Two HIV Tests a Year but Says She’s Not Promiscuous,” Daily Mail, 10 October 2006, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-409657/Scarlett-Johansson-takes-HIV-tests-year-says-shes-promiscuous.html.
7. Ava Cadell, “Mystery Behind Scarlett’s AIDS Tests,” Globe, 6 November 2006, https://www.avacadell.com/magazines-press/globe/324-scarlett-johanson.
8. Tom Chiarella, “Scarlett Johansson Is 2013’
s Sexiest Woman Alive,” Esquire, http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/a25017/scarlett-johansson-interview-1113/.
9. Nick Clark, “Novel Scarlett Johansson Tried to Ban, Grégoire Delacourt’s The First Thing You See, to Be Published in UK,” Independent, 26 August 2015, http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/novel-scarlett-johansson-tried-to-ban-gr-goire-delacourt-s-the-first-thing-you-see-to-be-published-10473492.html.
No She Without Her
1. “Mary-Kate Olsen Breaks Her Silence,” Marie Claire, 4 August 2010, http://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity/a5174/mary-kate-olsen-interview/.
2. Marshall Heyman, “Mary-Kate Olsen,” W, January 2006, http://www.wmagazine.com/culture/film-and-tv/2006/01/mary_kate_olsen/.
3. “Ashley or Mary-Kate?” TheEllenShow, 24 April 2014, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APshm-9gPgI.
4. “Mary-Kate Olsen Breaks Her Silence,” Marie Claire.
American Pain
1. Caryn James, “Critic’s Notebook; Reality Shows as Sideshows,” 6 August 2002, http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/06/arts/critic-s-notebook-reality-shows-as-sideshows.html.
2. Steve Johnson, “Anna Nicole Smith: Larger Than Life,” Chicago Tribune, 2 August 2002, http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2002-08-02/features/0208020004_1_anna-nicole-show-osbournes-tv-critics.
3. Ken Tucker, “Anna Nicole Smith’s TV Show Is an Obscene Train Wreck,” Entertainment Weekly, 5 August 2002, http://www.ew.com/article/2002/08/05/anna-nicole-smiths-tv-show-obscene-train-wreck.