by Chelle Bliss
I often wonder how different my life would have been if I met her instead of Danielle. Bridget was inevitable, and Sophia was too young at the time to get more than a glance from me. What if she’d been with her brother that night in the bar and caught my eye? Would I have escaped the heartache of the loss of a child and the betrayal by my wife? I would’ve never been arrested and may not have the drinking issues that I still battle with on a daily basis.
Life’s full of what ifs, but none more than the Sophia question. I felt like I wasted years of my life without her by my side. The other women were meaningless and unimportant, although they helped me to realize what true love is and should be, and with Sophia, I found it and held on tight.
She saved me from myself and my life of misery. She showed me what true love is and stuck with me through everything: job loss, drunken nights, and despair. She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.
I often wonder why in the fuck she did, but then I remind myself that I would’ve for her. When you truly love someone, you stand by their side and help them through the darkest time in their life. I’m thankful that she’s a special person and has the patience of a saint. She was meant to come into my life when she did; she saved me, and I’ll be forever indebted to her. I live my life for her and to be the man she deserves.
I’ll never forget the day she said to me-
“Kayden, I love you for everything you are now, not for what you were. I want to know all of you, what made you into the man you are today, the man who has consumed my every thought and captured my soul.”
It changed my life and altered my path forever. I’d seek help and get counseling, never wanting to abandon her again or break her heart.
The Sister I wish I had ~ Suzy
Sophia did save me, but Suzy had a major impact on my life and holding on to Sophia. Suzy helped rescue me that day long ago when I hit rock bottom and got lost in the bottom of a bottle. Suzy was Sophia’s roommate and welcomed me in her home when I had no where else to go.
The girls lived together to help save money and neither one of them wanted to be alone. Suzy told Sophia to bring me home with her that day. Not many people would open their home and heart to someone the way Suzy did for me. We knew each other but hadn’t spent tons of time together, but from the first day, she made me feel like I belonged there. She’s one of the most genuine and caring people I know. She’s pure and naïve and wants to find love more than anything in this world.
She never had that great love and dated a few guys who never treated her right. She was always filled with questions. She wanted to know about my marriage and why it fell apart. She asked how my love for my wife was different than my love for Sophia. Suzy had a million questions. She talked a lot. I was used to living with men, and they have so little to say, but Suzy just rattled on for hours if I let her.
When I found out I wouldn’t be getting my job back, Suzy asked me to stay. She liked having a guy in the house; I think she just liked that I could fix shit. I mowed the lawn, fixed the faucets, cleaned the house, and cooked dinners. We were like a fucked up dysfunctional family, the three of us.
I felt protective of Suzy – she was like a sister to me. She always wanted to believe that people were good; she never thought they were capable of bad things. I took it upon myself to explain to her that men are assholes. We’re looking to get laid. I knew I’d have to keep an eye on her and keep her safe from shitheads like I used to be. I’d vet her dates and make sure they treated her right.
Suzy cried when we moved out. I love her for that, but I didn’t shed a tear. I wanted to make a home with Sophia. We lived in a bedroom – it was a love nest. I was overjoyed the day we packed everything and got the keys to our new apartment. Suzy had tears streaming down her face as she carried boxes to Sophia’s SUV. We were only moving a couple miles away, but to Suzy, it felt farther. She felt like we were abandoning her. We weren’t. She gave us the chance to be together – to make it through the hard times.
Without Suzy opening her home to me, I don’t know where I’d honestly be. I don’t think I would have crawled out of my pit of despair. Sophia would have left me most likely, and my addiction to alcohol would have ruined my only chance at happiness. Suzy has just as much to do with my sobriety as Sophia.
She’s the little sister I always wish I had – one who loved me.
I Held My Breath ~ Sophia
It seems like yesterday when Sophia said, “I’m pregnant.” My heart skipped a beat before pounding feverishly in my chest with the realization that I’d be a father. Joy doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt, but a sense of panic consumed me when I thought about the child I’d lost years ago.
I was almost paralyzed by fear for months. I waited for a call telling me that I’d live the nightmare again. I doted on Sophia, not wanting to risk the health of our baby.
“Kayden, really, I’m more than capable of washing dishes and cleaning. I’m pregnant not dying.” She sat in the chair and stared at me like a child with her arms crossed. She rested her arms on her giant belly, and the sight of her and my child growing inside brought me the most joy I’ve ever experienced in my life. “I’m due any day now, sweetheart. The baby can come out and survive. Stop stressing out.”
“Sophia, just sit and relax. Kick your feet up, babe. You have a baby to take care of, and I want her safe.” I sprayed the counters and started to scrub the surface. “Who’s the boss?”
“So sure it’s a girl, huh? And the answer to your second question, Tony Danza.”
God, she was such a nerd at times, and I loved her for it. “Goofball with the throwback. I can feel it, baby doll. She’ll be as beautiful as her momma, too. Big brown eyes with a thick head of hair. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms.” I could be a hard ass at times, but I’m a mush on the inside. Sophia is really the only person I’ve ever let see that side of me. I’d never been vulnerable in front of anyone, but with her, I knew I could be myself.
“Well, I deal with enough girls at work all day at the school library, trust me… we want a boy.” She leaned back and rested her head and began to scratch her stomach. “Who knew I’d be so fucking miserable with this alien growing inside me and fat as fuck, too.”
“You’re beautiful, Sophia.”
“Ohhh, mmm,” she moaned.
“You’re making my cock hard over here, Sophia. Stop with all the noises.” I stopped and watched her. She almost looked like she did when I made her come.
“I can’t help it. My skin is so damn itchy. It’s almost orgasmic.” Her eyes rolled back in her head, and I stood there unable to move. It was erotic to watch although she didn’t mean it to be; I’d been so horny lately but too scared to fuck her and risk hurting the baby.
“Stop, you’re fucking killing me,” I said.
“Why don’t you make me?” She continued rubbing her belly and making sounds that made my cock twitch.
I started walking towards her with the intent to give her other reasons to moan when she shot straight up and screamed, “Fuck.”
“What?” I yelled and rushed to her side.
“Contraction…” her breathing stopped.
“Remember Lamaze, Sophia. Breathe, don’t hold it in.” What the fuck did I know? I listened to every word they said in that class and read every book I could find on pregnancy, but I didn’t have a human clawing its way out of my body.
“Fuck Lamaze, Kayden.” Well at least she had to take a breath to put me in my place. “Should we go to the hospital now or wait?”
“I’m not waiting, fuck, I’m not taking a chance with you or my little girl. I’ll grab the stuff. You wait here,” I said as I hopped up and headed toward the bedroom.
I could hear her say, “Where the fuck would I go?” I could see this wasn’t going to be an easy process. Sophia rarely had crabby days, but this was going to be a whopper.
“Come on, baby doll. I have everything.” I helped her to her feet, locked up the house and headed
to the hospital for the birth of our child.
“One more push, Sophia,” the doctor between her legs said.
“I can’t. I’m too tired.”
“Come on, baby. We’re so close. You’re the strongest woman I know.” I patted her forehead with a damp cool cloth.
“It hurts too much, Kayden.” Her head tossed back and forth.
“You can do it.” The doctor patted her legs. “Now, Sophia.”
She squeezed my hand so tightly I thought she’d break my fingers. I didn’t say anything though; I’m not stupid. She pushed, and I held her back with my thankfully free hand, helping to hold her up while she gave everything she had.
“Excellent, a little more.” She crunched her body up, and the doctor started to move back. I held my breath as the baby came into view. “It’s a boy.”
Sophia began to cry, and I stood there in awe. She’d given me a boy, delivered him safely to me, and we were forever part of another human being. We’d be together forever somewhere on this planet passed along to the generations. “It’s a boy. I knew it would be,” Sophia said.
I couldn’t stop the flood of tears as I looked at our baby. To create a life is the most amazing thing in the world. To watch the woman you love bring that life into the world is indescribable. I cried the day our baby was born – my heart finally felt complete; I was whole again.
“You were right, Sophia. I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now.” I watched as they carried our baby boy over to a small table and started checking him and cleaning off his tiny body. His screams filled the air, and I stood there and didn’t move. I almost held my breath and was scared to blink, thinking the sight in front of my eyes would vanish and be a dream.
“Hey,” Sophia said as she squeezed my hand. I looked at her and smiled. “He’ll be okay; it’s normal he’s crying. Don’t worry, love.”
I leaned over and placed a kiss on her lips, “You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted, Sophia. You’re the world to me, and my life’s complete. A boy, Sophia, a boy,” I said in amazement.
“I love you, Kayden.” She stared in my eyes as I backed away from her lips. “We need to pick a name.”
“I didn’t spend too much time on boy names. I was sure as shit the baby was going to be a girl,” I said.
“Well I like Jett or Tristan,” she said.
“Tristan brings too many images of Brad Pitt on a horse; Jett sounds badass. I like it.” I kissed her forehead and watched as the doctor approached with a calmer baby in his arms.
“Who’d like to hold him first?” the doctor asked.
“Go ahead, Kayden,” Sophia said as she pushed my arm away from her.
“You sure?” I asked.
“Yes.”
I didn’t ask her again. I held out my arms as the doctor placed Jett in my arms. Relief flooded my body as I stared at the small baby with pure white skin and dark brown hair. He had a head of hair like his Mom, but his eyes were closed. I touched his hand, and his fingers moved. I held them between my fingers and couldn’t believe how tiny he was. I sat down next to Sophia with him in my arms.
“I love you, baby boy. I’ve waited a lifetime to meet you.”
I thought my life changed forever when Sophia pulled into my apartment parking lot, but I was wrong, as usual. Jett turned everything right-side up. Sophia had given me the greatest gift and brought joy into my life. I’d do anything for her. She asked me months before his birth to see a counselor, and I agreed.
I’d stopped drinking long before her pregnancy, not wanting to risk losing Sophia. No drink in the world was worth that risk; she deserved better than that. Counseling helped me identify my triggers – women and trust issues stemming from my father. Writing out my life story helped the counselor and I to reflect on the journey that’s my life. It was all a choice – I chose to drink, do drugs, and wallow in my own self-pity. I wanted my life back.
Sophia gave it back to me and showed me the light. She made me find my way back to my true self, the one I always portrayed on the outside, but didn’t believe I was during the dark times in my life.
I’ve been sober for well over a year. Does liquor call my name still? Yes… it’s an addiction for a reason, but I fight every urge that comes my way. I don’t crave a drink because things are fucked up in my life, but because my body craves it, but I don’t need it. Liquor can fuck off and go ruin someone else’s life. For once, I’m content and happy with Sophia and Jett in my future.
Dearest Kayden,
I read your journal as you wrote each word and followed you on your journey of self-exploration. Let me begin by simply saying I love you. I love you more today than I did yesterday. I never knew I could love another human being as much as I do you. I didn’t think it was possible for love to grow over time, but it has, and my heart is full.
I’m sorry I invaded your privacy and read beyond what you told me yourself. I knew you filtered your story thinking I wouldn’t be able to deal with the whole truth, but I’m a big girl and can absorb it all and still accept you for the man you are today. You’ve led a full life filled with heartache, addiction, and let’s not forget the sex. I skipped over most of those stories in your journal.
I’ll never leave you. I’m yours entirely and forever. I still love you for the man you were, are and will be. You’ve evolved during our time together, and you’re always surprising me and filling my days with the great unknown. You’ve wiped the navy blue out of my world. Each day, I’m greeted by a world filled with a kaleidoscope of colors.
You love me like no one else ever has and never will. You’re it for me, the one I searched a lifetime for and finally found. We may have found each other later in life, and you may have suffered because of it, but it’s molded you into the man I love. I know you question how life would’ve been different if we met earlier, but you can’t look at it that way. I was a mousy school girl who had her nose stuck in a book… you would have scared the crap out of me. I would have been another notch on your bedpost and forgotten. We were meant to find each other when we did. I’m sorry you’ve walked such a tortured path at times, but I’m here to dust you off when needed and hold your hand along the way.
You’re mine always, and I’m yours forever. Jett is ours, a little piece of us will always roam this earth, and we’ll never be forgotten. I can never express my sorrow for the loss of your child so many years ago. I pray he is watching over Jett and keeping him safe from harm.
Thank you for loving me enough to overcome your addictions and to keep fighting the battle each day.
I only feel at home when I’m lying in your arms. I feel safe by your side and never question my worth. I feel beautiful when you look at me and know that I’m loved each day when I kiss you goodbye.
Love always and yours forever,
Sophia
P.S. I read how you ruined Danielle after she left, bad boy. That alone will make me stay and never walk away. Oh, you were a man whore; I knew I was right about you.
Chapter 1 - The Darkness
Suzy’s Story
The road was dark as I drove down the desolate street. The moonlight illuminated the empty grassy fields and trees dotted the roadway. My steering wheel began to shake, and the car started making a hideous noise.
“Damn it,” I said, hitting the steering wheel with my palm. My piece of shit car had been acting weird for the last couple of weeks, but I didn’t have the money to get it checked.
I pulled off the road, turning on my hazards, as the car sputtered before dying. I shook my head thinking about the bad luck that seemed to be following me for weeks. I exhaled loudly, flexing my grip on the steering wheel, trying to calm my frazzled nerves. Times like this made me regret living in the country, far from my family and most of my friends.
It was late, but I knew I could call Sophia. Kayden treated us to dinner and drinks tonight; it had been over a month since Sophia had met me for drinks. He wanted to give Sophia a girl’s night out and wanted the
ir little boy, Jett, all to himself. Sophia lived close to the martini lounge we spent the evening at, but maybe I could catch her or Kayden awake and willing to help me out.
I grabbed my cell phone off of the passenger seat and flipped it open. “Shit.” The battery was dead, and the screen wouldn’t even power on. I looked in my rearview mirror to see if anyone was coming in my direction, but nothing except darkness filled my view. My heart began to pound in my chest as scenes from every horror movie I’ve ever seen with a lonely woman broken down on the side of the road being murdered in a gruesome manner filled my mind.
I closed my eyes concentrating on my breathing, trying to think of what to do now. Do I start walking to God knows where? Should I just sit here and wait for a stranger to offer me help? I didn’t like any of those options. I never liked feeling helpless; I was too smart to be helpless, but that was the only thing I felt in this moment. I couldn’t just sit here and wait. It could be hours before someone found me in my car on this isolated road. Why did I always feel the need to avoid main roads, looking for a short cut to find my way home?
I climbed out of my car and closed the door locking it up tight. I don’t know why I felt the need to make sure it was locked; no one was out here wandering around, let alone looking to steal my stuff. I leaned against my car thinking about which direction I’d walk. Neither of my options were ideal or close, and I was exhausted from working all day. Thank God I could sleep in tomorrow after the way this evening was ending. I remembered seeing a gas station a couple miles back, and I felt that would be my safest bet. I didn’t know what was in the other direction besides my home, but that was over twenty miles away. I pressed the lock button one more time on my key chain, helping relieve my OCD need to double check everything before pushing my body from the car.