Evan
Well, her reaction is better than I thought it would be. She may not be hurting me physically, but once again, she’s doing it in a way that cuts deeper. The way that completely fucking sucks and I may not recover from. I need to leave the room—the pain is making the anger within me rise, and I don’t want her to witness it.
“Evan?” she says, tentatively placing her soft hand on my arm. I know she’s trying to let me down gently, but she’s not aware that I’m deeply, head over heels and forever in love with her—there is no gentle way to do it.
“I’m going to my bedroom to start packing for tomorrow,” I announce, defeated. I can’t even look at her right now. I’m no stranger to rejection. After being rejected by both of my parents, I thought I understood pain and could handle it—I was completely wrong. I hate myself for allowing me to fall for her. God, I hate her. I walk past her and get out of the room.
“Evan?” she asks, her voice filled with compassion.
“What, Alani?” I pause on my way out.
“They’re really beautiful.”
“So are you,” I say, leaving her bedroom without turning around.
I get to my bedroom and sit down on my bed, trying to come to terms with that fact that I will never have her. Before meeting Alani, I always thought I’d be numb to any kind of emotion. Now, I just wish I could go back to not feeling anything, because the fire I felt in my heart for Alani has turned into a raging inferno determined to destroy any life I have left.
Lani
After Evan left my room, I decided to shower and pack for tomorrow. I know I hurt him—when I had my hand on his arm, I caught the mix of sorrow, anger, and pain haunting his soulful eyes. But before I could explain and provide him with the reason we couldn’t be together, Evan left, doing what he always does whenever feelings are involved—he shut me out. After much contemplation during my shower and feeling more refreshed, I head to his room to seek him out. I’m not letting it end like this—he needs to hear what I have to say. Knowing he’d just turn me away, I don’t bother to knock and walk straight in.
Finding him on his back, stretched out over the covers of his bed with one arm bent up and cradling his head, any feelings I had quickly change to burning need. Wearing only a pair of black boxer briefs, his tattoos are magnificently displayed before me. Although it’s covered up, I can see the extensive bulge of his flaccid cock, and I’m amazed by the size of it. As I lustfully gaze at it, I wonder how much bigger it would become if Evan was aroused. I probably should’ve knocked before entering his room to give him a chance to cover up because I’m suddenly distracted by the thoughts and images of how I could stimulate Evan and find out the answer to that question. I turn to leave, knowing I’ve forgotten what I came here for, much less concentrate on anything that needs to be said. Before I can get out the door, I’m stopped by a deep, emotionless voice coming from the bed.
“What do you want, Lani?” Evan asks. It doesn’t escape me that he didn’t call me Alani.
“I uh…I thought maybe we could try talking again,” I reply, turning back around to face him.
“What’s left to say?”
“Well...I didn’t get a chance to say what I needed to, so I just want to explain my side,” I answer, walking closer to his bed.
“I already know your side, Lani. You don’t want me, and you want me to move on,” he replies, turning his head to look towards me, but not budging otherwise.
“It’s more than that, Evan. Will you just hear me out?” I implore him as I reach his side, “Please...I need you to understand.”
“Go ahead,” he relents with a sigh, facing the ceiling and closing his eyes.
“I pretty much felt invisible when I was growing up. I had parents who loved me, but they were always too busy for me and my brother. We had nannies, but for the most part, I was left alone a lot and had to learn to be independent early in life. In high school, I was a geek and I didn’t really have any friends. I felt like an outcast—always alone. One day, when all the loneliness had finally gotten to me, I decided to go to a high school party. I didn’t really know anyone there, but I just wanted to be around people...it would have been enough. So then, at the party, Michael came up and started talking to me. I couldn’t believe my luck that such a cute guy was paying me any attention—I was so excited to have someone finally see me.” I’m forced to stop as the memories of Michael and the feelings he still sometimes evokes threaten to choke the life out of me. I can feel the anxiety building inside and I try to beat down the fear that still immobilizes me at times. Concerned, Evan sits up and pulls me to sit down next to him on the bed. As I start to tremble, I feel Evan put an arm around my shoulders and pull me to his side.
“I’m sorry, Evan. I...I thought I could, but I can’t. You just need to know that you deserve more than me,” I shakily tell him, leaning on him for support.
“Please...finish the story. I want to understand.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly to lend his strength for me to continue. I feel like a total shit. Here he is, in so much pain because of me, and he winds up having to try and comfort me. The man’s strength amazes me, and I wish I could be like that. It fuels my resolve to get him to move on to someone who deserves him. I go back to the things I’ve learned in therapy—I take big deep breaths, count slowly, and remember I’m done giving my attackers any more fear. Once I feel calm and my heart rate slow down, I continue for Evan’s sake.
“Sometimes, I can still feel his hands on me,” I reluctantly admit, and I’m forced to take a deep breath. The feel of Michael’s arms surrounding me is something I’ll never forget. He held me from behind, trapping me against him so that I could feel his erection pressing into the cleft of my ass. He squeezed my breast and pinched my nipple so hard it brought tears to my eyes. I can remember the feel of him pulling on my shirt, trying to expose me….
I feel the gentle caress of Evan’s thumb on the back of my hand, and instantly, I’m pulled out of the horrible memory. I look down at our clasped hands and continue. “Anyway...I remember being really scared and looking over at the bed to find a girl laying on it. There was blood on the sheets, and her naked body lay open on display. I was sick to my stomach, but I didn’t know what had happened to her. Kerrigan and I never heard anything about her after that, and we were too afraid to tell anyone. I always wondered—maybe if I had any kind of relationship with my parents, maybe I would have told them and gotten help. Of course, I’ll never know the answer to that, but I made myself a promise to never let fear control me again. Evan, I know what you want from me, but I’m all messed up—I’ve been messed up for ten years!”
Evan
Hearing what she had to say, I want to comfort Alani, but I know I can’t. This is something that she’ll have to work through on her own. I’m so fucking pissed right now at the men who hurt her and the memories that continue to haunt her. I can’t do anything about it right now, so I follow her lead and take a deep breath when she does. It takes her a few minutes, but she starts to talk again.
“The thing is, I don’t know how to move on from that night. I don’t even know who I am, so there’s no way you can. You might think you love me, but how can you without knowing the real me? I can’t be who you want, Evan.”
“I know who you are, Alani.”
“No, you don’t. I’m not like Kerrigan and Molly—I’m not some Hollie homemaker. I don’t want children, and I don’t want the white picket fence,” she argues, breaking from my hold and pulling back to look at me.
“I don’t want children—never wanted them. And I’ll never want them, but I do want you!” I declare passionately as I take her hand in mine and look into her eyes.
“Why?” she questions, searching my eyes. I can see it in hers that she doesn’t believe me.
“Because you challenge me,” I answer. “You have a great heart and you’re a loyal friend. You speak honestly and don’t do anything just for show. I know you think I view you as weak, b
ut I don’t. You’re the strongest woman I know. You took a terrifying incident and made it work for you. You made it your life’s mission to give other victims some justice—you fight for the underdogs and that’s not weak!” I place my hand on her cheek.
“Thank you” is her only response.
“Alani, why can’t you give us a chance? If it doesn’t work out, then at least we both know.”
“Because you like rough and I can’t do it,” she replies sorrowfully.
Shit. I do like rough sex—I like the sweet bite of pain and I like inflicting it to bring out a woman’s pleasure. With her experience, she probably shied away from anything sexual associated with pain. She wouldn’t know that a little pain can bring her to an unbelievable orgasm, and I can be the one to teach her—but this isn’t the time for that conversation.
“I don’t have to do rough, Alani,” I tell her gently.
“Yes, you do. I saw you in the bathroom that night—that kind of aggression doesn’t leave,” she insists.
“While it’s true that I enjoy rough sex, it’s not a make or break for me,” I explain.
“You don’t think it is, but you’ve never had to give it up. I don’t want to be your experiment.”
“There you go again, trying to tell me how I feel.” We aren’t getting anywhere tonight, so I tell her, “Look, why don’t you just go and we can talk more after we get back from the wedding.”
“I’m sorry, Evan,” she says, standing up and looking at me. I can’t be her doormat anymore, so I don’t respond and just lay back down.
After staring at me for a minute, she finally turns and walks out.
Chapter 7
Evan
We got back from the wedding in Kentucky a few days ago, and once again, I’m getting ready to spend a few nights away from home. As happy as I was for Maddox, I couldn’t keep the jealousy from creeping in. Watching him with Kerrigan, and Noah with Molly, I found myself wanting what my brothers had. At the wedding reception, when the vibe of the scene was getting to me a little, Alani came up to me and asked for a dance. I’d hoped she did it out of some sort of extreme need for me like I had for her at that moment, but I was just wishfully thinking like some fucking naive teenage girl. Imagine the slicing pain I felt when she told me she was just doing Maddox a fucking favor. The moment she said “You can thank your asshole brother for this”, I felt the welcome relief of the numbness I developed from childhood wash over me. After that, I was fucking done. I’m done fucking waiting, done fucking playing—I’m just fucking done with her. I’m still going to keep her safe, but outside of that—I’m over it.
Before I even left Kentucky, I called Mary to hook up with her. I told her to plan on being gone for several days and to rest up because she’s going to be extremely tired and sore by the time I got done with her. She excitedly agreed, and tomorrow, we’ll be meeting at a hotel room that I rented for the fuck fest. It’s been several months since I’ve had sex, and I don’t plan on leaving that room for at least two days—not even for little necessities like eating.
It’s dinner time and I’m in my living room with the TV on, waiting for room service to bring the food I’d ordered. Alani comes walking out of her room, looking pleased. The self-preserving numbness must be at work, since I’m not even slightly affected by the sight of her, and my heart keeps a steady rhythm as I continue to flip through the channels.
“Guess what?” she asks happily, reaching the couch where I’m sitting.
“What?” I ask, disinterested.
“We got an almost match,” she replies, shoving some papers in front of my face. Putting down the remote, I grab the papers from her and look them over. Since we already knew Devin isn’t the father, the DNA test results only confirm that there are enough genetic markers to indicate that Devin and Cade are closely related.
“That’s good. Now, all we need to do is locate Jackson. I have several people looking for him, but so far, there’s no trace of him. The governor is having a garden party to raise funds for his race to the Senate and I recently got an invite to it for making a sizable donation to his campaign. I plan on talking with the governor then—see if he knows where his son is. And who knows? Jackson may attend to support his dad.”
“You what?! Why didn’t you tell me you got invited to the event?” she asks incredulously, staring at me like I have two heads. She doesn’t wait for me to answer before adding, “Can I go?”
“That’s probably not a good idea, but I’m not saying no. We’ll have to discuss it more when the time comes.” I don’t want to give her an answer yet. I’m still debating the pros and cons of having her come with me. If Jackson thinks she’ll be there, then maybe he’ll show his face. If he does show, we may be putting her in danger. Then again, it’s a public function, and the likelihood of him trying anything there would be low. Still, I don’t know if I’m willing to risk her safety.
“Okay,” she agrees with a nod of her head. She then smiles at me and says, “Hey, I was wondering if you’d maybe want to go out to Lake Michigan tomorrow and walk around before winter sets in.”
“Can’t. I won’t be around the next few days. Your security detail will still be following you, so you’re free to do whatever you want.” I inform her, picking up the TV remote and resuming my channel surfing. I’m not really interested in finding something to watch...I just don’t like where this conversation is headed.
“Oh. You’re going out of town? You didn’t mention it,” she says, sounding a little disappointed.
“I’m not leaving town,” I reply, purposely being vague.
“Then why won’t you be here?” she inquires, puzzled. I look over at her and see her dark eyes innocently questioning me. I wait for some emotion to stir inside of me as I look at her, but I feel nothing. No guilt, no relief, no longing, no worries about hurting her—nothing. I’m unaffected, like I’m deadened when it comes to feelings for or about her.
“Just some personal business,” I answer her without emotion. People don’t usually question you when you say it’s personal because what you’re actually saying is—it’s none of yours. Thankfully, the food arrives and I’m forced to get up to answer the door, effectively putting an end to the conversation.
“Ok, well maybe next weekend,” Alani says hopefully.
“We’ll see,” I reply, walking past her.
Lani
After my conversation with Evan, I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. My mind raced with thoughts of what personal business Evan could possibly have in the city that would keep him away from home for a few days. During the long hours of the night, I was at least able to work out part of what had bothered me about our discussion—when Evan had spoken to me, it was as if he was speaking with a client. I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t like the thought of him being mad at me, so I want to catch him before he leaves today. Looking at the clock for the millionth time this morning, I hurriedly brush my teeth and hair and rush out to the living room.
When I see him standing next to his overnight bag, I immediately get a sinking feeling in my gut and I want to throw up. He said he had personal business, but what he really meant was personal pleasure. He’s not dressed in his usual suit and tie—no, he looks hotter than usual. He’s wearing tight jeans that hug his muscular thighs and a form-fitting black shirt that hints at his defined abs and shows off his gorgeous arm muscles. The few arm tattoos revealed by the plain T-shirt only serve to add a bit of an edge to his already sexy look. Looking down at his phone, a sly grin appears on his freshly shaved face—he’s leaving me to get laid. I have a sudden urge to drop the floor and just cry, but I don’t even know why. The pain in my chest is so great that I have to take a few deep breaths. Oh God. I think I’m having a panic attack! Evan must have heard me, because he looks up in my direction. Seeing me, he gives me a concerned look.
“What’s wrong, Lani?” he inquires, walking towards me. I’m helpless to do anythin
g but to continue trying to breathe deeply and calm myself down. I can’t think straight, but I still notice how once again, I’m just ‘Lani’. Standing in front of me, he says, “Hey, talk to me.”
“Where are you going, Evan?” I manage to ask, my voice sounding broken. I don’t know why I bother to ask when I already know the truth. Maybe I just need to hear it from him. I watch the look on his face change from concern to a hard mask.
“Lani, you’re a smart woman. I know you’ve already figured it out and I don’t need to say it.”
Not knowing what to do, I run back to my bedroom. I slam the door, trying to shut out the pain. I’m so confused! Why am I acting like Evan had just confessed to cheating on me??? I know I don’t want a relationship with him. I want him to be with someone who can make him happy. But, why do I feel like I’m dying inside, knowing that I’ve lost him?
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