“I know. I’ve been running from this for too long.”
“Me too,” I say.
“Evan, I’m going back to work,” she states, and it immediately pisses me off, but I know I have to remain calm if we want to finish this conversation for once.
“Why? You have a daughter now. And Jackson is still out there.”
“Because I want some sort of independence back, Evan. I have no money, no car, no apartment. You’re paying for everything.”
“It’s fine. I can afford it, Alani,” I say.
“I know you can, but I don’t want to be kept here, Evan. I like working.”
While I understand what she’s feeling, I still try to find a reasonable solution. “Can you at least give me some time to find a better location for your office?”
“Yes, of course—I’m not trying to be stupid about all this. I want to get back out there, but I also want to be safe.”
“Thank you. Can we talk about us for a few minutes?” I ask.
The look in her eyes softens as she replies with a simple “Sure.”
Lani
I’m nervous. I know this talk is a long time coming, and I don’t want to hurt Evan, but I know I will. Hopefully he will understand all that I’m about to say.
“What are we doing, Alani?” Evan bluntly opens up the topic of us.
“I don’t know,” I reply, shaking my head. “Just taking it day by day right now. But I know that needs to change….”
“Well, you know where I stand—where I’ve stood for the last couple of years. I guess the question is...what do you want?”
“Evan, there’s so much going on in our lives. And my feelings are all over the place. I’m still scared, but I can’t keep living like this.”
“When you say you can’t keep ‘living like this’, do you mean not being able to leave my place or you can’t stay here with me?” he asks.
“Evan, I haven’t made any decisions about my own life for over a year. I was forced to move in with you, forced to have a daughter, forced to stay indoors, and forced to depend on you. It isn’t your fault, and I’m not blaming you—I blame Jackson for all of this. But I want my life back. I want our daughter to be safe, and I want for us to make decisions that are ours to make and are not being forced upon us,” I try to explain. I look at him and I see the same frustration in his eyes and realize they are probably a mirror of mine.
“What do you want, Alani? Tell me exactly what you want,” he says. “Don’t dance around it. Tell me. You want to be able to start making decisions so start right now.” He isn’t mad—I think he realizes I’m still trying to hint at what I want.
“I want to start working again and making my own money,” I say as I look in his eyes. “And I want to move out.”
Evan looks away, closes his eyes, and appears to be in deep thought. A few moments later, he lets out a sigh before opening his eyes and says, “I’ll move out.”
“No,” I object, “this is your home. I’ll move out. I’ve already talked to my parents, and they will help me get into a secure apartment building and pay for the security needed.”
“There is no place more secure than this building. I’m moving out.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve already given up so much for me. This is your home.”
“I’ve lived here for about eight years. And the only time this place feels like a home to me is when you and our daughter are here. My daughter will lay her head to sleep every night in the same room she’s been sleeping in. This is her home, not mine,” he says, his voice cracking at the mention of Harper.
My heart is aching so badly. I don’t want to hurt him. “Evan, when I give you my heart, I want it to be my decision and not marred by some fear. I do love you, Evan, but I’m confused, and I worry that I love you because you’ve become such a good friend and protector. I want to know that I love you for all the right reasons. You deserve that.”
“I’m not going to lie, Alani—it hurts, but I can’t live like this anymore either. I’ll get together with your parents so we can discuss security for you and Harper. Please don’t leave this apartment with our daughter alone.”
“I won’t.” I assure him. Noticing the hurt and concern in his eyes, I instantly feel guilty. “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“So am I,” he says before heading back to his room. I don’t follow because I know I will only feel compelled to change my mind and stay.
Chapter 20
Lani
Evan finally moved out last weekend, renting a recently vacated unit a couple of floors down. It’s the ideal location—he’ll be close enough to Harper and me without having to give up the comforts and amenities that he’s used to. I feel really guilty about the whole situation. Harper should have around the clock access to her dad and Evan should be living in his own place. I wouldn’t have agreed to staying here if he hadn’t insisted that this was Harper’s home. He’s been supportive, watching her during the day while I work from home. I’m not doing too much right now, other than putting the word out that I’m back and ready to work. I rented an office in a building a few miles away, and hopefully, someone will contact me soon. I’m still stuck inside for the most part, but I have hung out at Molly’s and Kerrigan’s a couple of times. I was hoping we could actually go out for dinner, but both Noah and Maddox put their foot down—until Jackson is caught, our options are limited to their places and mine.
You’d think that with my line of work, I’d be able to figure out this whole situation with Jackson. But each time I try, I get more confused and just wind up with more questions. Jackson was the one to kidnap both Cade and me—why did he just drop us off at the farmhouse and not come back? Where is he now? What’s he waiting for? All I know is, I want this living nightmare to go away. I want to focus on my life and I want to be happy. I want to stop living in fear and that’s why I want to return to work outside of this building and away from Harper. As much as I fear Jackson, I’m ready for him to make his move. I have a strong feeling that he’s still watching. And I’m hoping he thinks I’ve given up on the idea that he’s still following me.
Evan
It’s Saturday and I’ve had Harper all day. Now that she’s starting to crawl, she keeps me busy as she explores my new apartment. Never intending to have kids, I tuned out anything related to them, including all the child safety advice. So I’ve learned a couple of lessons the hard way, like a major one—don’t leave doors open. I nearly had a heart attack the other day when I couldn’t locate Harper. I was reading a book on the couch while she sat on the ground, playing with her toys. I kept looking up from time to time, but the next time I looked up, she was gone. I frantically searched behind the couch, under tables, behind every furniture, and every other tight space before I finally found her in the bathroom down the hall. She definitely keeps me on my toes, but I’m not complaining—I love spending every possible moment with her. I worry that I’ll miss out on her first steps if Alani and I don’t work through our shit. I knew the day was coming when Alani would eventually want her space. As much as it hurt to hear that she wanted to move and get her independence back, I understood her reasons why. Growing up in my childhood home was a living hell, and I had to get away from the pressure cooker inside me that was waiting to explode. I took the first chance I had to leave because I needed to make a life for myself, make my own decisions, and be my own man.
There’s an awkward tension between Alani and me each time we hand off Harper to one another. I know she feels bad about our situation, so I try to make it seem like I’m just fine, even though I die a little inside every time I have to walk away from them. Something in my life has to change. I’m so damn tired of hiding everything just to keep the people I love safe from the darkness inside of me. I’m tired of hiding my secrets and trying to cover up who I am. I’m tired of keeping everything inside. Maybe if I talk to my brothers, I can finally start to let go of some of this shit that’s slowly killing me. So while Alani is working on her
self, trying to get her life back together, I’ll do the same for me.
My brothers are on their way over now. I called them because I was hoping they might understand what I’m going through and give me some advice. Or at the very least, their company for a hard drink. Fortunately, it’s time to lay Harper down for her nap. It allows me to talk freely to my brothers—I know she’s too young to understand what we’re saying, but still, she doesn’t need to hear her daddy cursing. I stand watching over my daughter as she’s losing her battle against sleep. She’s yawning, but she’s still wiggling her little body trying to fight it. I still can’t believe how in love I am with her. My father had it all wrong—I could never resent her. Even though having children was something I always feared and Harper wasn’t planned, I now know that this little girl is my reason to love and live. Even if I never end up with Alani, I could never hate the mother of my child. She’s given me Harper, and perhaps, my daughter is my happy ending. Of course, I want my little girl to have both her parents under one roof, but it will be fine even if that never happens because Harper will still have two parents who love her and want the best for her.
I hear my front door open, so I take one last glance at Harper, whose eyes are fluttering as she dreams. I smile and head out into the living room. My brothers are sitting on the couch, eyeing me as I approach. I hate that they’re so concerned about me, and I almost laugh at the thought that I’m now the one who needs their advice. I used to be the one with all the answers when they had problems.
“Everything ok?” Maddox asks right off the bat.
“Yeah. Nothing new. I just…I don’t know. I missed you guys, or something,” I jokingly say with a smile. They each give me a look saying that I’m full of shit and they know it.
“No, really...what’s up?” Noah asks throwing a couch pillow at me.
“Honestly? I don’t know...” I reply, catching the pillow and sitting down on the chair beside the couch. I watch them glance at each other in understanding when I continue by saying, “Woman troubles?”
“I can’t believe you moved out of your place,” Noah remarks with a shake of his head.
“Well, it’s Harper’s home and the safest place for both her and Alani,” I reason.
“Still no word on Jackson?” inquires Maddox.
“Nope. Not a thing,” I say, dejected. “I don’t know how much longer we can keep living like this.”
“I can’t imagine,” say Maddox. “Hopefully, he’ll show soon. Then, maybe you and Lani can figure your shit out once things get back to normal.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” I reply.
“Why not?” Noah questions.
“Because so much has changed. Alani and I have both changed and we need a break from the stress. She needs time, but I don’t know if I can give her any more. I can’t live like this.” I feel a weight lift off my shoulders as I admit out loud what I’ve tried to suppress. “I can’t be who Alani wants—I’m aggressive and I’m an asshole. As much as I’ve tried to hold back when we were together, I hate the thought that she wouldn’t love me as I am without wanting to change me.”
“Yeah, that sucks,” says Noah, “but I’m glad you’re both being civil when it comes to Harper.”
“Neither of us would ever do anything to make Harper think she’s not loved,” I defensively reply.
“I know...you’re not Dad,” Maddox says, looking down.
“No, I’m not. I was afraid I’d end up just like him, and that’s why I didn’t want kids,” I quietly admit.
“Evan, I can’t believe you ever thought that. You’re nothing like him!” Noah says a little harshly. I know his anger is not directed at me, but at our father who made each of us feel damaged in some way. But hearing Noah’s defense of me makes me feel like I’m lying to them. I might not share my father’s hatred of his children, but I did inherit some of the evilness inside of him. I say nothing at the moment, because I don’t know how to respond. I don’t lie, and I’d hate to start now—especially to my brothers.
Noah notices my hesitation and asks, “What is it, Evan?”
“Nothing I want to share,” I answer, hoping he’ll move on.
“Spill it,” Maddox urges. Knowing my brothers, these fuckers won’t let it go and will hound me until I give them what they want. So I tell them what I know.
“Dad never wanted us. Mom at least wanted us so she’d get a bigger payout from Dad, but Dad never once wanted any of us. He begged Mom not to have children and only gave in to get her stay with him.”
“How do you know that?” Maddox asks, the disbelief in his voice.
“He told me,” I reply.
“He did want us at some point,” Noah argues, hanging on to the hope that our father loved us. “I told you about the day we went fishing. He had a great time with us then.”
“He was high, Noah,” I quietly reveal, watching Noah’s face drop.
“What?” Noah questions in a daze, looking at me like I just destroyed his childhood.
“He told me he was high the day he took us fishing. He wasn’t happy to be there with us. He was just happy to be getting high! He never loved us,” I tell them, my rising emotion clearly evident in my voice.
“When did you talk to him?” Maddox asks, sounding like the cop that he was.
“Years ago,” I answer, not giving a specific time frame.
“The day he died,” Noah announces softly. Maddox and I simultaneously whip our heads towards Noah. I stare at Noah, and he looks directly into my eyes before continuing, “I know, Evan. I’ve known since the day I found him.”
Wait. What? Hoping Noah means that he knows I went to visit our dad, but not that I killed the bastard, I carefully ask, “What do you know, Noah?”
“I know you were taking Ambien around the time Dad died. When I came over to your place the day after he died, you had your pill bottle on your bar. It was almost empty. At first I didn’t think anything about it, but when we got the autopsy back and I found out Dad overdosed on Ambien, I knew you did it,” Noah reveals. What the fuck?
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask, stunned that he’d known all along but hadn’t said a word.
“Because the day I found him, I finally felt free. It was like a giant weight was finally lifted off my shoulders and I no longer felt held back by it,” Noah admits. And with a shrug of his shoulders he adds, “You did me a favor.”
“I don’t want to be hearing this shit!” Maddox angrily says, standing up and walking away from us.
“Why are you pissed?” I ask, getting annoyed. Our dad made all of our lives a living hell. I can’t believe Maddox is pissed that I put an end to our misery. Maddox whips around to face me.
“Because you can’t go around killing people like it’s no big deal! I understood why you did it back at the farmhouse, but hearing this...that you killed our dad??? It makes me think that you like doing this shit. And that worries me!” Maddox answers heatedly, taking a few steps towards us before stopping. I shoot straight up and head to where he’s standing.
“No big deal? No big deal?!! I did it because I couldn’t stand that fact that Noah was still going over there to take care of that fucker who tormented us! Maybe you could bear to see the way Noah was miserable for days after each visit, but I couldn’t! It made me sick knowing that you spent a couple years all by yourself with that asshole! You didn’t need to tell Noah or me how bad it got because we knew. We know what that bastard was like and we left the second we could. We abandoned you and left you to live with him by yourself, knowing all of his anger and all of the shit he used to do to us would be concentrated on you! I hated that I couldn’t do anything to help you out back then—it ate me up inside every day to hear the misery in your voice whenever I talked to you! It’s not a matter of whether I enjoyed putting that bastard down, I did what I had to do. And I sure as shit do not regret doing it!” I snap at him. Getting in his face, I say, “You want to arrest me? Go fucking right ahead
.”
“Christ, Evan! I’m not turning you in!” Maddox replies with a stunned look on his face. He grabs me and wraps me in a tight hug. The hug silently communicates his thanks and understanding with what I had done, so I embrace him in acknowledgement. He pulls back after a moment and gently says, “But I am worried about you—I’m worried how far you’ll go. And I’m worried you’ll wind up in jail...or dead. I couldn’t live with that.”
“I’ll go as far as I need to, in order to keep the people I love safe,” I respond, stepping away from him. We head back to join Noah.
“That’s what I’m talking about. There’s a legal way to take care of all this that wouldn’t involve putting you in danger. This is exactly why I didn’t tell you I’d located Jackson before,” Maddox reasons with me.
“He’s right, you know. We care about you and just want you safe,” Noah agrees, backing up Maddox.
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