by Willa Okati
Jaden had to pause until a full-body tremor passed. “Anything for you. Anything."
"Darlin'.” Andy stroked Jaden's temple. “Thank you.” He began to roll over onto his stomach.
Jaden stopped him. “What are you doing?"
The question earned him a confused look. “You don't want me to ... I'm always on my stomach."
What would you do if you could change the world?
Jaden shuddered. “On your back this time, Andy,” Jaden ordered gently, helping shove the man into his former place. Between the two of them, they kicked off Andy's boxer shorts. Jaden wrestled his own jeans, soft-washed and well-worn, down to his knees. “Lube? Condoms?"
"Condoms?"
"You trust me?"
Andy's expression flickered with wary suspicion. “Shouldn't I?"
"No. I mean, yes. Trust me.” He kissed Andy's knee. “No condoms. But the lube?"
"Oh, fuck. Fuck.” Andy tossed his head from side to side, searching. “Under the chair? It's probably old, but—"
"Better than having to get up. I'm not leaving you.” Jaden fumbled under the chair, brushing away dust bunnies and what felt like a crumpled envelope, and finally found a dusty container of slick. He drew the tube out, waving it in triumph. “Got the little bastard!"
"Thank God. Good. Now use it?"
"You don't have to tell me twice. Here. Legs over my shoulders.” Andy seemed clumsy, as if he really wasn't used to this at all, but they managed to get him settled and Jaden in position. Jaden fumbled a bit with the lube, hands too shaky for a proper grip, but after some trial-and-error he'd covered his cock with the slippery goo, and slid two slick fingers down until he found Andy's hole and thrust them in.
This time, when Andy cried out, it sounded like pain. “What?” Jaden asked anxiously. “Did I scratch you?"
"No.” Andy grunted. “Just ... it's been a while. Go easy?"
A while? How long? Why?
Oh, hell, now wasn't the time to stop and think.
Jaden forced the questions to the back of his mind. Gentler this time, he worked his fingers in Andy's hole as best as he knew how—the other men he'd fucked had been pros at loosening up on command.
As Andy's muscles contracted around Jaden's fingers, he found himself amazed. For some reason, he usually found this part of the process tedious, something to be gotten through before the main act. Not so. Andy didn't hold back a thing, not the pleas to stop and wait, making Jaden tremble until he got the nod to go on, nor his slow warming into groans of pleasure as the tight ring finally relaxed. It was unbearably hot, watching Andy melt from tense anxiety into a wanton, knowing he was the one to drive Andy to that point.
Jaden withdrew his fingers. “Ready?"
Andy nodded, biting his lip.
"You're sure?” Jaden had his doubts.
"God, yes. Please. Need to feel you inside again.” Andy got a firmer hold on Jaden's shoulders. “Do me."
Jaden closed his eyes, breathed a quick prayer to whoever might be listening, and carefully pushed his cock into Andy's opening. He went slowly, knowing his dick to be much larger than his fingers, and paused to pet Andy's quivering calves and croon words of comfort when Andy tensed with pain.
When he finally nodded, Jaden thrust forward by slow inches. So difficult to keep his head as Andy's channel compressed his dick, head swimming with astonishment at dreams come true and cock demanding more of the constricting heat.
He went slowly, though. He went slowly, even when Andy suddenly opened wide for him and he couldn't be hurting anymore. Dragging each thrust into lazy, smooth glides as much for his sake as Andy's, Jaden wanted this to last forever. His entire world dwindled down to the sensations of fucking the man he'd dreamed of, sweating and swearing and writhing beneath him.
The orgasm came all too soon, washing out of him with a frayed groan and a single fierce thrust as deep inside as he could go. The sound of his heart beating roared in Jaden's ears while his guts twisted and his balls emptied, the ecstasy like nothing he'd ever felt before. When the climax faded, he withdrew his softening dick and collapsed on Andy's chest, rubbing his nose into the damp skin and kissing him by turns.
Andy shook his head violently. “Me,” he begged. “Me now, me, please, me."
Jaden didn't understand.
"God!” Andy shoved Jaden off, nearly kicking him in the face. What he'd been begging for suddenly became clear when Andy's hand flew to his own cock, twitching and leaking a sticky stream. He pumped himself with desperate, clumsy, fast strokes. Jaden would have reached out to help, but before he could get there Andy stiffened and loosed a harsh breath, releasing his load of come in thick gouts.
Jaden dropped his gaze to the floor, focusing on a small hole in the worn carpet. As Andy's breathing calmed, he said quietly, “I'm sorry. I didn't think."
"Hey. Hey. It's all right.” Andy's touch made Jaden look back up. He wore a weary, utterly contented smile. “What you did ... God, it was more than enough."
"No. I shouldn't have forgotten about what you needed."
"Dumbass,” Andy said as if it was a joke between them, an endearment of sorts. “There's always next time. And you were being straight up, weren't you? There will be a next time, won't there? Maybe even soon?"
Jaden laced his fingers through Andy's. “As long as I'm with you, yes."
Andy nodded. “Good enough. Good enough. Want to come back over here?” He extended his arm, inviting Jaden to rest his head there and curl up close. Jaden grinned, moving to do so.
A knock on the door jerked Jaden out of the moment. Realizing he was still unfamiliar with the layout of this place, he peered in the direction of what he hoped was a door. “Are we expecting anyone?"
"Not that I know of.” Andy apparently forgot all about enjoying their afterglow, clambering to his feet and hastily jamming his legs back into his pants. “Get dressed. God knows, it could be the landlord. I promised him we'd pay this month, but I don't have the money yet."
"I have money,” Jaden started to say, but Andy had already left the room. Shaking his head, he struggled into his jeans and followed. By the time Andy reached their door, Jaden stood behind his lover—his— sneaking one arm around Andy's waist.
The knock sounded again. A tired kind of rapping, as if the person on the other side didn't really expect to be let in after dark. Andy raised up on tiptoe to peer through the peephole, but before Jaden could get a look, he swore quietly and swung the door open.
"Hey. Didn't think you guys would be up this late,” a familiar voice said, not so drawling as usual, but still one Jaden knew all too well.
Jonas.
Chapter Six
Jonas leaned one shoulder against the door frame, far thinner and hang-dog-rounded than Jaden remembered from their former reality. Jaden could see in the stronger light from the hallway how both door and frame were scarred, varnish worn off in places, deep scratches and gouges in the wood.
The worn-down look matched Jonas perfectly. He wore a thin T-shirt splattered with something gray and gritty, the cloth falling in loose folds as if he'd lost weight since its purchase. The leather jacket hanging from his shoulders had gone shiny and hard from years of long use where it wasn't soft to the point of fraying into holes.
"Hey, guys,” he said with a weary grin that didn't reach his eyes. “Look what the cat dragged in, huh?"
Andy opened his mouth. Before he could get a word out, Jaden shoved Andy behind him and blocked his way by slamming one arm into the wall. His own strength gave him a split-second's pause, but he didn't stop to linger. “What the hell are you doing here?"
Jonas raised one eyebrow. “Well, I haven't come by to blow the place up, which from the way you're acting it appears you think I'm likely to do. Just thought I'd drop by for a harmless visit if you two were still up. Please notice I said ‘harmless'. What crawled up your ass?"
"How did you know where we lived?” Jaden's temper was throwing sparks. What would you do if you coul
d change the world? He'd change everything. Jonas shouldn't have been a part of his new reality.
Why was he?
"How did I know? Setting aside all the times I've been by to visit and going back to the beginning, maybe because I helped you move in?” Jonas suggested, sounding tired. “Look, if you two are in the middle of something, I can come back later. Or maybe, if Jay prefers, not at all."
Andy ducked under Jaden's arm. “You're welcome here any time, Jonas, and you know that's the truth. Excuse us for a second?” He rounded on Jaden, jabbing a finger in his chest. “Kitchen. Now."
Jaden scowled, not liking the way Andy jumped to Jonas’ defense, but damned if he'd leave Andy's side for one second. He followed Andy's footsteps to a kitchen barely big enough to hold the both of them, flinching when Andy clicked on a painfully bright overhead.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?” Andy hissed. He gave Jaden a semi-rough push. “I wasn't going to say, but you've been acting like a different person since I got home. Months of no-touchee no-feelee and now, for no rhyme or reason, you're all over me. The guy I used to know. The one I fell in love with.” Andy's expression softened. “You had me going, Jay. I let myself think things had changed for the better."
What would you do if you could change the world?
Jaden squinted against the harsh light. “Maybe I've been ... distant?” he hazarded.
"Distant?” Andy snorted. “Distant like North Carolina is from California. I don't know that we've spent more than ten minutes’ time in one another's company since I started on at the hospital. You're asleep, gone, or buried in one waste of time or another when I'm here. Hell, I'd started to wonder if you even remembered my name, much less wanted me in your life."
If you could change the world...
"I'm sorry,” Jaden made himself say amid the welter of confusion in his thoughts. “I haven't treated you as you deserve.” Why the hell didn't I? I wanted to change the world—not who I was. “I see that now. But it's going to change, Andy, I swear. No more distance. Okay?” He tentatively tried gathering Andy in his arms. The man fought half-heartedly, but Jaden didn't give up until he had Andy locked in a bear hug. “We'll be like we once were,” he promised, kissing the top of Andy's head. “My hand to God."
Andy harrumphed. “You've said that before. A man can only take so much, Jay."
"One more chance.” Oh, fuck, don't let things twist like this. I changed the world to have Andy in my life. Why did the world change to a place where I have him, but I've almost driven him away? “Please. One more chance.” Jaden played his trump card. “I'll even apologize to Jonas. Give him a beer from my own hand."
He waited, heart in his throat, for Andy to respond.
After far too long, Andy sighed and rocked his head against Jaden's chest. “I'm trusting you, Jay. Don't make me sorry, okay?"
"I'll swear as many times as I need to for you to believe me.” Whatever I did in this version of the world, I'll set it to rights.
I will not have come this far to fail now.
"Okay.” Andy straightened, Jaden letting him go until he stood balanced on his own two feet again. To Jaden's delight, he offered a smile tinged with his natural good humor. “One problem. We don't have any beer."
Well, if I hadn't known before I wasn't in Kansas anymore, Toto, this would certainly have tipped me off. “None?” Jaden asked, unable to believe his ears.
"Beer's a luxury, darlin'. We can't afford to keep a stock on hand."
"But ... but you're a doctor."
"Resident. You know what residents get paid. We—I—have all those loan payments, besides. We're lucky to make rent and keep ourselves in Ramen and dream about Bud."
"No. That can't be right. I have money,” Jaden protested, thinking about the number of zeroes in his bank account. “And what about the furniture? That couldn't have been cheap."
"We blew our savings when we bought those out of the back of a truck. Don't you remember? And since when do you have money, Mr. Starving Artist?"
"But my books ... I've sold..."
"You sold something?” Andy hooted. “Damn. Congratulations. Was it that interview with the coal miners? Ten-odd years of trying finally paid off, huh?"
"No.” Jaden shook his head. “I don't write ... my stories are fiction. Detective ... best-seller lists...” He trailed off in the face of Andy's baffled disbelief, giving up simply because he didn't have it in him to fight and definitely didn't want to explain. “Yes. The interview with the miners."
"I did think that was one of your better pieces. How much did it pay?"
"I have no idea,” Jaden admitted honestly. From what he could guess, though ... “Not too much."
"Well, it's a start.” Andy's shoulders hunched as he turned away. “Go let Jonas in. I'll find him a drink and figure out something to cook. Ask him if he's hungry."
"At this time of night?"
"Jonas is always hungry,” came the terse reply as Andy opened a small, dented refrigerator door with a screech of its hinges. “We don't have a lot to offer, but fuck me if I won't share."
Jaden hesitated at the kitchen door. “Does he mean that much to you?"
"He's a friend. What do you think?"
The question forming on his lips made Jaden ill, but he forced it out. “Do you love him?"
"What?” Andy turned, one hand holding the refrigerator door open. “What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing.” Jaden walked out without looking back. He made his way back into the foyer, where he found Jonas still lounging at their door. “Andy says to let you in."
"And damn, but don't I feel welcome?” All the same, Jonas hoisted his weight off the door frame and shuffled inside. Jaden glanced at Jonas’ feet and saw scuffed, muddy sneakers patched at their toes with duct tape. He smelled of freshly sawed pine, iron, and sweat. The hair Jaden remembered as long enough to fall over Jonas’ eyes had been cropped short, almost to the skull. A red welt of a ring, likely from a too-tight hat, circled his forehead. “What are you looking at?"
Jaden winced, realizing he'd been staring. “Nothing. I'm sorry. I just—no, never mind. Have a seat. Please."
Jonas frowned, though he did as he'd been asked. Jaden hunted for and found a light switch on the wall, which brought a much softer lamp to life. He could see, now, that the carpet was a dull, standard gray apartment grade, worn down to the matting in places and stained in others. The chair and couch were quality, but stuck out like sore thumbs next to a coffee table made of an industrial spool and a squashed vinyl ottoman.
Jonas sat on the couch, spreading his legs wide and leaning his head back into the headrest. He looked unbearably worn-out for a vulnerable second, then raised back up to examine Jaden. “You look different."
Jaden almost spluttered with surprised laughter. He looked different? “I'm the same as always,” he found the strength to answer calmly. “What do you think has changed?"
"Well, for one thing, that stripe of spunk under your right tit.” Jonas pointed with a lopsided leer, chortling when Jaden swore and looked down to see he was right. “That, along with the open shirt, scratches, and unzipped jeans, they speak to me of a man who's finally popped his head out of his ass and taken a fresh look at the world. Particularly at the man who happens to share your world."
"What?"
"Look.” Jonas shifted forward, pitching his voice low. “Now, I've not said anything, but I'm neither blind nor stupid. Andy, he'd follow you anywhere, and no matter what he says he'd never leave you. But by God, you cannot keep treating him like part of the wallpaper. That man needs lovin’ as well as friendship, and you've given him neither for too long now—so wrapped up in that damn book you'll never sell."
"I've sold over a dozen books!"
"When the hell did that happen?"
Jaden remembered himself and blushed. “It didn't. I guess it hasn't. Yet."
"Yet.” Jonas settled deeper into the couch cushions. “Fuck. You've heard what I said about
Andy, and you keep it in mind. As for the writing ... I ought to tell you off a second time for chasing dreams, but hell, what else do we have to keep us going?” He rolled his head to look in the direction of the kitchen. “Do I smell something cooking?"
"Oh! I'd forgotten. Andy told me to see if you were hungry."
"Hmm.” The corner of Jonas’ mouth lifted. “I ought to turn down charity, too, but don't they say that's what friends are for? Pride don't mean much when my stomach's been empty since I visited last. Yeah, I'm hungry."
"Andy?” Jaden called. “Jonas says—"
"I heard him. Food's almost done, anyway. You want to come in here, or should I bring the stuff out there?"
Jaden glanced at Jonas. Andy had heard Jonas confessing to hunger. Had he heard Jonas berating him for the things he'd done?
He didn't know. Wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"Do you have a preference?” he asked Jonas, who shrugged. Frankly, he looked so tired that Jonas wondered if the man would have the strength to move. “In here,” he chose pre-emptively. “Do you need help carrying?"
"I can manage.” Andy appeared, carefully balancing an old metal TV tray like a platter. He squeezed past Jaden and laid his offering on the spool table: three grilled cheese sandwiches, burned in spots, and three bowls of tomato soup.
Jonas chuckled. “Cheddar-flavored imitation food product and just-add-water?"
"Damn right."
"Let me at it, then.” Jonas snagged a sandwich and bit in. A flicker of ecstasy crossed his face at the taste. “Good,” he said after swallowing and before his next ravenous bite.
Andy left “his” share alone, as did Jaden, looking anywhere but at Jonas as the man devoured that sandwich down to the last crumb and began drinking from a bowl of soup.
"Have mine, too,” Jaden suggested. He laid his hand on Andy's thigh, seeking something he couldn't put a name to. Comfort? Reassurance? “I'm not hungry."
"Go ahead. He never eats unless I threaten to force-feed him. It'll just be wasted."
Jonas hesitated before seizing a second sandwich and tearing in. Jaden closed his eyes and wished he could stop up his ears.