by Willa Okati
"No, it's not,” Jaden said gently. He came to a stop and maneuvered Andy around to face him. Examining Andy's face once again, he saw the shine of love, unquenchable and true, but also shadowy doubts and a tired resignation. “Let me kiss you?"
He bent his head and Andy lifted his lips. Lips against lips, smooth and dry. Jaden cupped Andy's head in his hands, pressing himself against the man he'd always loved, and took a lingering taste of the man's mouth. When Andy parted those lips to let Jaden in, clawing for more, Jaden shook his head and drew away.
It wasn't for them to want more, or to take it. He understood at last, after far too long.
"I have a dream about a house in the country,” he said, caressing Andy's cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “A place where there's no hospital, no construction, and nothing between the two men who live there except a bond so solid nothing can tear it asunder."
Andy frowned. “That's a good dream. But—"
"No.” Jaden forced himself to let go before his grip tightened. “Not a dream. It's reality."
"Jaden..."
"Don't."
"What the hell should I do, then?” Andy demanded. “I don't understand what you're talking about."
"I know.” Jaden dared one more kiss on the side of Andy's neck, one last kiss, lingering as long as he dared before tearing free. “That's for the good times, however few they might have been. I wish I'd done better by you. I wish I knew why I didn't. But that's what second chances are for, aren't they?” He kissed Andy as lightly and briefly as the brush of a hummingbird's wing, letting go almost before he'd touched down. “I want you to have a second chance."
"You mean a second chance with you? For us?” Andy half-laughed. “I think we're onto our thirteenth or fourteenth try by now. But yeah.” He smiled tentatively, still loving, still trusting. “If you want to start fresh, we can."
"Good. Walk away from me."
"What?"
Jaden turned Andy to face the fire. “Go sit with Jonas."
"I don't want to leave you.” Andy looked back and forth between the bonfire and Jaden. “But ... that means you'll be all alone out here, and it's getting cold."
"Yes. It is, and I will. But it's all right. Go.” Jaden nudged Andy with a touch at the small of his back. “You belong with the dancers. Go."
Andy took a deep breath. With one last look back, he squared his shoulders and stepped forward, off the path and into the sand. Jaden watched him go, loose shoelaces flapping until he bent to take the sneakers off and carry them. Barefoot, he padded toward the fire and Jonas.
Where he should have been all along.
"I loved you,” Jaden whispered. “No matter what happens, please remember that I loved you."
Jonas looked up sharply as Andy touched him. Silhouetted against the firelight, Jaden couldn't see their faces, but he knew what he was looking at. Knew how Jonas felt.
Andy reached for Jonas’ hand and pulled him up. They moved together as a perfect, matching set into the circle of dancers, ever so slowly leaning against one another until their heads rested against their partner's shoulder.
Just as they should be.
The music rose, one lyric slipping through the roar of the ocean waves. Jaden repeated the singer's sweet words, tasting not the salt of the ocean but water from his eyes that he could not stop despite knowing he'd done the right thing. “When the time comes to sit it out or dance—I hope you dance."
"So,” a voice said quietly behind him. Jaden looked over his shoulder, and found himself not at all surprised to see Hooker sitting on a rock, knee drawn up beneath his chin. “What would you do if you could change the world?"
Jaden found that he was smiling. Sad and happy at the same time. “I'd change it back."
"That was the right answer. Let's go home."
Chapter Eight
"Welcome back."
Jaden found himself suddenly sitting in a familiarly uncomfortable chair, whiskey still dripping down his fingers, a wet spot on his legs. His eyes were closed and he kept them that way, taking deep and shuddering breaths.
"It's okay,” Hooker said. “Relax. I know, easy to say and hard to do, but try.” He paused. “I'm guessing you don't want anyone near you right now."
"God, no!"
"Take your time, then. I'm not going anywhere."
"Not like I did?” Jaden laughed, a shattered sound. “Was it real? Any of it? Or have I been wandering through a drunkard's hallucination?"
"Oh, it was all real. Every sound, smell, taste, and sight. For everyone else, that was the way things had always been."
"So I saw. And I wish I hadn't. None of this should have happened."
"Really? You got to make love to the man you've been pining over since you were a teenager. That's not a dream come true?"
Jaden shook his head.
"Why not? You stripped him naked with your hands and tasted his cock on your tongue. Fucked him in a way he'd never forget. Since no one forced you, I've got to go with the assumption that you did enjoy yourself."
"Enjoyment isn't enough. The sex was wonderful. I went ... I think I went a little bit crazy. I lost myself in the moment. And if the rest of the world had been filled with those moments, I'd have...” Jaden stopped, shaking his fingers. “God. Are there any tissues? Napkins?"
"Nope. I do have this.” Hooker dropped a roll of what felt like dry, parchment-like toilet paper in Jaden's lap. “Not exactly what they'd call absorbent, but beggars can't be choosers, right? Jaden.” Hooker nudged his knee. “You ever going to open your eyes? Don't be afraid of what you might see. It's just us, you and me, and the hotel room you left a few minutes back."
"Only a few minutes?"
"Seemed like longer, huh? Always does. No worries."
Jaden tore off several sheets of toilet paper and scrunched them into a ball, using the crumpled wad to dry his fingers and scrub at his wet jeans. “You sound as if you've been here and done this before."
"Every now and then, but not for a long, long time. It takes a special kind of man to make me care enough.” Hooker took Jaden's hands, crushing the ball of paper between them. “You do what I do for a living, and it makes you hard if you don't watch out. Usually, that's for the best. Hard gets you by and keeps you going. If you turn stone-cold, though, you're just the walking dead. A hole to fuck, a mouth to suck. You have to keep a thin thread of compassion alive, no matter what else happens. Hard helps you survive. Heart makes you want to survive.” A beat passed. “Heart gives you the strength to make tough choices."
"You know what happened?"
"Not all the details, but I can guess. Through a mirror, darkly. You can tell me, but only if you want to."
"I had him.” Jaden freed his hands; Hooker let him go. He began to shred the paper, eyes still shut. “I had Andy in my arms, my bed, my life. He loved me. I know he did. God alone knows why. Did he have no other choice? The way I treated him, the things he told me I'd done ... he took every blow and every sting, because he loved me, and that was how I'd changed the world."
"I never said you'd change the world into a better place."
"There's always a catch,” Jaden mumbled.
"Yeah, but like I bet you promised, you could have done a one-eighty. You could have turned over a new leaf. Knowing what you did, you could have started treating him right. You'd have been happy. Eventually."
"Not with Jonas still..."
"Leave Jonas out of this right now. You've obsessed about him as long as you have over Andy, and enough is enough. You could have made a happy life with Andy."
"Do you think so? I'm not so sure. He'd lost himself, the part of Andy that made him Andy. He'd changed into something built of dark humor and resignation and weariness."
"But he loved you."
"It wasn't enough."
"You'd always thought it would be."
"Stop questioning me!” Jaden turned as far aside as he could in the chair.
"Can't. If you don't let this out,
it'll fester until you self-destruct, and even though you've had a lot of practice, this time you might crack for good. So keep answering back, keep talking. I know what I'm doing."
"I suppose you do, don't you? I keep wandering away from asking you about yourself ... are you making me forget?"
"Yes and no. You want to know, but you're not ready. Yet. You will be soon.” Hooker took Jaden's hands again, unbearably gentle. “I can give you some strength if you want."
Jaden hesitated before answering. “No. I want to, but I won't. If the story has to be told, I'll do it on my own."
"And that's the way to start—on your own two feet. Come on. You can do this. Why wasn't love enough?"
"Because it went hand in hand with pain. More pain than the love was worth."
"That's only half the truth."
Jaden exhaled, feeling his muscles go limp with sorrow. “He gave me everything he was, everything he had. That's Andy. My love, though, it was a selfish love. I took, took, took, and never gave back a damn thing. Even the sex was—almost—all about getting my own rocks off. I forgot what he needed. And that's what this whole ride has been about, hasn't it?"
He opened his eyes. Hooker, red curls askew, hazel eyes wise beyond his years, gazed calmly back.
"I never thought about what would be right for Andy,” Jaden confessed. “I never have. I only thought about me."
"What do you think was right for Andy? What is right? You can do this."
"Jonas,” Jaden replied simply, accepting once again the resounding truth he'd stumbled on at the beach. What he should have known all along, but had blinded himself to. Selfishly. “He and Jonas fit together. Without one, the other crumbles. And even though Andy loved me, he still loved Jonas, too. When they danced ... I saw ... I saw two halves of a whole reunited.” He felt a sudden alarm. “Are they—they're safe now, aren't they?"
"Safe, and back in the cabin, asleep in one another's arms. They'll never know anything happened. I'd keep it a secret if I were you. But as for what you saw, what you figured out ... some things just don't change, no matter where you go or who you are. It's a hard lesson. A lot of people never catch onto that one because they don't want to. You're ahead of the game. So—what do you do now?"
Jaden struggled for answers, ideas, anything—and came up blank. “I don't know."
"You're getting better at this.” Hooker grinned at Jaden. “See, if you don't know, if you don't have your stubborn on about one single goal, then the possibilities are endless. You can do anything."
"What do you mean?"
Hooker rubbed Jaden's thigh. “Easy. After ten-odd years of living in chains, you've popped the locks. You're free to make new choices with clear eyes."
Jaden thought he understood. “Saying goodbye,” he realized aloud. “Moving on. That's what I choose to do. After that, I still don't know what comes next. But that's the point, isn't it? And just as much as I'm free to make my own moves, so are they."
"Better and better yet."
"Should I call them now?"
"Some things are better in person. It's late—it'll be dawn, soon. You're still pretty jangled. Wait for morning, when you've pulled yourself back together, and then go visit them."
"I'll take you along,” Jaden said in a snap decision. “Not to show you off. To ... I don't know. To be fair to you?"
Hooker inclined his head. “I'd be pleased."
Jaden leaned back against the chair. “Who are you?” he wondered, truly wanting to know. “What are you?"
"Keep me around long enough and you'll find out."
"Now you're not answering my question."
"Turnabout is fair play."
"Please."
"Me?” Hooker raised one shoulder. “Maybe I'm just a hooker. Or maybe I'm a gift. The key to your new future. What would you do if you could change the world?"
Jaden laughed. “Smartest man I ever met, hooker or head of state."
Hooker tapped his temple with one finger and winked.
"What should I do until morning? I don't want to drink, and I don't think I could sleep."
"There's always this.” Hooker raised himself off the bed and went to the window, levering the creaky panes open. He crossed to the small alarm clock and twiddled its dials. Bluegrass, soft and low, heavy on the twin fiddle, streamed out to fill the small hotel room.
The cool, fresh air and the music brought with them a sense of joy. Jaden could smell the rising of a new day.
Hooker returned to stand in front of Jaden. He held out a hand. “Care to dance?"
Jaden found himself smiling as he stood. “I don't even know your name."
"Does it matter?"
"It matters to me. Now.” Jaden took his hooker by the shoulders and leaned in for a kiss. Hooker tasted pure and unsullied, as if Jaden wasn't the only one who'd been washed clean. He tugged at Hooker's tongue with his teeth, making them pull apart to laugh.
God, but it felt good to laugh.
"What's your name?"
Hazel eyes sparkled. “I have a hundred. I'll let you call me Eblis."
"Eblis. It's nice. What does it mean?"
"I'll tell you someday. First, though,” Eblis said, moving Jaden's hand to his hip and wrapping his own arm around Jaden's shoulders, “we dance. There's power in dancing. Take it as a gift, and use it to live again, really live."
Jaden closed his eyes again, feeling the tingle of warmth between their bodies. As he and Eblis swayed to the music, Jaden sensed a bit of the pull Andy had mentioned tickling at him.
He felt no surprise.
"What would you do if you could change the world?” he whispered into Eblis’ ear.
"Mmm. You tell me."
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Top of the class,” Eblis murmured, reaching up for a slow, deep kiss that deepened the pull. “You didn't pick me up by accident, you know. We're going to go a long way together, you and I."
"I think you're right.” Jaden caught Eblis up and whirled him around, clasping him close and pressing a kiss to the man's lips.
* * * *
What should you do if you could change the world?
* * *
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