by Rebecca Lang
‘I see,’ Anna said, sighing. ‘I’ve…more or less come around to the idea that our situation is hopeless. I think I knew, deep down, that something like this had happened and that there was no hope of a future for us. Even so, I know it’s going to be strange, letting go of him…as far as I ever had him. I suspect that he’s thought of me far less than I’ve thought of him.’
‘That’s to be expected,’ Seth said gently, ‘as you’re the one with a child.’
Seth went into the kitchen to refill their coffee mugs, wanting something to do. His attraction to Anna was beginning to disturb him. He found now that he wanted to mean something to her other than just as a passing friend and colleague, whose function would be over when she had settled her emotional connection to a crippled man, had established whether that man was to be in her life in any way as the father of her child.
This was really the last thing he needed in his life, even though he knew that at some point he would want to establish a lasting relationship with a woman. The sheer awfulness of his break-up with his wife, and their marriage towards the end, had left him in a mind set where he constantly drew back if he felt himself to be strongly attracted to a woman, but even more so if they responded to him with enthusiasm. He knew it was obtuse, but he could see where it was coming from.
Time and again he watched himself as though he were a bystander, pushing women away from him when they became too close for comfort. With Anna it was different, as she was at least partially engaged emotionally with another man. Because she was not entirely free in that sense, he was intrigued by her. In another way she represented a challenge, for her very unavailability, which he knew was doubly obtuse.
He added sugar to his coffee and stirred it slowly, stalling for time to think.
Carmel Saigan would marry him, he sensed that, if he were to contemplate marriage again. They had so much in common. She was lovely in every way, yet there was something missing, a chemistry, a spark. He was not attracted to her and could never imagine himself in love with her.
The woman who had become his wife had been determined to marry him, and he had been flattered. She was older, more established, very confident to the point of being abrasive, a respected professional woman, as well as very beautiful. It was not a good idea to marry because you were flattered, he thought wryly as he took a swallow of hot coffee, any more than it was to try to achieve a permanent relationship with someone with whom one’s feelings were not entirely reciprocated.
With his wife, when the first flush of sexual attraction had died away, he had discovered that he did not love her. There was something very hard and ruthless about her, concentrating on her career to the exclusion of everything else except her passion for him. Eventually, he had been repelled by it. He had provided the balance. He had found that her passion had not been enough for the two of them.
Compared with his state of mind now, he had been immature then, even at the age of twenty-nine, when they had married. Never would he go blindly into a relationship again.
Now he saw himself getting entangled emotionally with Anna, not only wanting to help her but telling himself that he wanted to discover his long-lost family. How true was that? At least she was not pursuing him avidly, relentlessly, as some women did. She responded sweetly to his kisses, took what he had to give without demanding more. Yes, she was attracted to him, he could see that, but he suspected that she wasn’t going to do anything about it.
Some women conveyed the impression that whatever you gave to them of yourself, it was never enough. It was as though they were insatiable and wanted to devour you—your personality, your character, your whole being.
Somehow Anna’s sweetness was melting him inside, waking something in him that had been dormant. She seemed to be shrugging her shoulders at him mentally, as though she was thinking, If you’ve got a queue of women lining up to take you on, don’t think I’m going to join it. At that thought, he grinned wryly to himself.
Anna came into the kitchen. ‘I thought you’d got lost,’ she said, smiling. Her face was pink and blotched from crying.
‘Just thinking,’ he said.
‘Do you want to talk?’ she asked quietly. ‘Sometimes I get the impression that you would like someone to talk to. What you are doing for me doesn’t have to be a one-way street, you know. I’m not just a taker, I know everything is not all about me. I feel happier when I can give something back, fifty-fifty. I can listen and keep a confidence. I don’t want to pry into your private life…certainly not that. It’s up to you. You’ve been so kind to me—the least I could do is listen.’
‘Some time perhaps,’ he said, touched. ‘It can wait until your situation has been sorted out.’
‘It doesn’t have to.’
‘I’ve been married. I’m a pretty mixed-up guy, certainly not in any position to give advice to you. And I don’t think I’ve done that too often, have I?’
Anna found that she could smile now. ‘Only to tell me to forget Simon and find another man,’ she said.
‘Yes, I did say that, didn’t I?’ he said. ‘Rather presumptuous of me. What I would like is for something to happen between us, Anna.’
‘A…a sexual relationship?’
‘Perhaps,’ he said, looking at her astutely. ‘But not just that.’
‘It’s very good of you to want to come with me to Boston,’ she said, trying to deflect his attention. ‘It will be an ordeal, I know. I thought I’d got some of my emotions under control, but I obviously haven’t.’
‘We don’t always know how we’re going to react,’ he said. ‘We’re sometimes taken by surprise.’
‘Yes.’
Quite suddenly there was a charged atmosphere between them, as though it had just come out of nowhere. Anna felt as though she could scarcely breathe. There was a tightness in her chest as Seth looked at her intently, as though he could sense everything about her.
‘I’m not just being kind,’ he said. ‘I like being with you, touching you, kissing you. That’s even though I wish I didn’t. I’m too cynical to be much good to anyone right now. But I can’t help wanting…wanting you.’
It would be a lie to say that she wasn’t flattered, that she didn’t want him, too. ‘I didn’t want to imply that you were just a kind man, sort of bland and nothing else,’ Anna said, struggling for words, tension almost palpable. ‘You’re a very attractive man, a good man, and I do so much enjoy working with you, being with you like this.’
She swallowed nervously. This sudden change of direction had left her nonplussed, yet strangely relieved as well. Something hidden and secret was coming out into the open. She hated secrets, pretending that things were not as they were. ‘As for myself and Simon…Too much time has gone by. I have a sense of loyalty that is misplaced. I know it. It’s just for Finn—and then only if I decide that it would be right for him.’
‘That’s very sensible of you,’ he said.
‘I don’t want you to think that I’m helpless, that I’m taking advantage of the situation to…to get help from you,’ she said.
‘I don’t think that,’ he said. ‘You gave me a clear choice and I deliberately chose to help. Since I’ve known you, I’ve thought of you as a strong person.’
Anna came over to him and put a hand flat against his chest, wanting to touch him. Through the thin black sweater that he wore over a shirt she could feel the warmth of his body and the beating of his heart. ‘Seth…’
There were no words for what she wanted to say. She did not know exactly herself what she wanted. They looked at each other, scarcely breathing.
‘Anna.’ He said her name softly. ‘I didn’t come here for this, you must believe that.’
‘It’s all right,’ she said, closing her eyes and moving close to him, putting her arms around him, so that it was easy for him to draw her into the circle of his arms.
This time their kiss was different, gentle at first, exploratory, then deeper, as though an initial barrier had been breached.
Anna felt herself trembling inside, relaxing against him, giving herself up to the sensations of longing that he was arousing in her.
She put her arms inside his jacket, around his firm chest, his warmth filling her. What it meant she could not think. All that mattered was the moment, knowing that she needed him desperately, on so many levels, as though she had been waiting for him for a long time, holding herself back for him.
She was older now, sober, mature, responsible for another life, unable to concentrate just on herself and what she wanted. Now, in Seth’s arms, she acknowledged that she wanted his touch, his manliness, the way he complemented her.
The kiss deepened and they clung together. Time vanished. This moment was all that mattered. There would be time later to ask what it meant, if anything of any significance.
When he pulled back from her, the expression in his eyes was soft, the pupils wide with an awareness of her as an attractive woman. It was a long time since she had seen that expression on the face of a man, and it surprised her in a very pleasant way. She smiled up at him.
‘I’ve been wondering,’ he said, ‘if you and Finn would like to come to my place for supper this evening. He could meet the dog. She’s a friendly dog, good with children, because my housekeeper’s grandchildren have been visiting her since she was a pup, so she’s used to little kids.’
‘That sounds wonderful.’
‘I could come back to pick you up later. I have to go back to my office for a while now to see patients.’
‘We’d like to come,’ she said, moving away from him reluctantly.
‘In view of all the news that you’ve received, I thought maybe you would like a change of scene for a while, rather than being here, brooding about what I’ve told you. Try to keep an open mind, Anna.’
‘Yes…I’ll try.’
‘I could be here about half past five, or a little earlier. I know that kids have to eat early and go to bed early,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’ll call first, of course.’
‘That’s good. Thank you, for that…and for coming here in person to break the news. That was much better than hearing it over the phone from Mr Smythe.’
He smiled at her in a way that made her heart feel as though it was turning over. In a way, the intensity of her longing frightened her. Neither of them was entirely free emotionally, it seemed to her, even though they were free in actuality. ‘I wanted to come,’ he said, reaching for her hand and raising it to his lips. The gesture brought a spurt of tears to her eyes, which she blinked to dispel.
In the hallway he put on his coat. ‘Goodbye for now, Anna.’
‘Bye,’ she whispered, holding the door open for him.
When he had gone, she sat down in the hallway. In a very short time speculation had hardened into facts where Simon was concerned. As she thought about him now, the reality of him was dimmer in her mind. He was moving away from her, to be replaced by the image of Seth…large, masculine, attractive, gentle and very desirable. It seemed amazing to her now that he had held her in his arms and she had responded to the comfort he had offered. It had been spontaneous and natural. Now that Seth was no longer in her apartment, it was as though a light had been switched off. In order to cope with everything, she would take it all a day at a time.
Restlessly, her mind in a turmoil, she went around the apartment tidying up, then washed the coffee things. In her bedroom she got out some clothes that she would wear to Seth’s place for supper. He had told her once about the area that he lived in, not far from her, in an old, established area of historical interest.
Finn was still sound asleep, she saw as she crept around his room, getting out the clothes that he would wear later. He looked so adorable sprawled in his stroller, his fine hair wispy on his forehead. She would let him sleep a little longer, then wake him up. In the meantime, she would get on with the never-ending laundry.
CHAPTER NINE
THEY were ready for Seth when he came to pick them up just after five o’clock. Anna had explained carefully to Finn what was happening.
‘See dog?’ he asked, as he and Anna were settling themselves in the back of Seth’s car.
‘Yes, we are going to see a dog, a spotted dog,’ she said.
The drive to Seth’s house took less than ten minutes. It was on a quiet residential street of tall old red-brick houses with attractive small gardens in front, behind ornamental iron fences, and flanked by tall, mature trees.
Inside the house, with its high ceilings and ornate cornices from the 1880s, Anna could see at once that the charming old features of the house had been preserved, rather like her parents’ house, which was on a smaller scale, that she loved so much. The atmosphere of the place seemed to draw her in with a warmth that had been established over generations of people who had loved and enjoyed the house. The vibes were good.
Seth strode down a narrow passage that went from the front hall to a door at the back. ‘This is the kitchen,’ he called back to her. ‘I’ve shut the dog in there. I’ll take your coats in a minute.’
In his home he seemed to have undergone a transformation, was relaxed and smiling.
The Dalmatian bounded towards them with a woof when Seth opened the door. She inspected the two strangers quickly, then ran back to her master, her tail wagging furiously. ‘Come on, Velvet,’ Seth said, patting the dog’s head, ‘come and meet some friends.’
Anna found herself laughing delightedly at the energy and friendliness of the dog who was sniffing Finn’s face and licking him. ‘She’s adorable,’ she said.
Finn, a little apprehensive at first, laughed as the dog licked his face and then his hands.
‘Let me take your coats,’ Seth said, helping her shrug out of her sheepskin overcoat, his hands on her shoulders. She felt clumsy and slow as she took off her gloves, unwound her scarf and removed her hat.
Finn was on the floor, pulling off his boots, so she bent to help him, feeling her face flush. Having been kissed by Seth, been in his arms, she could not go back to the previous relationship, and now she wondered, with some apprehension, what their working relationship would be like.
Unlike a lot of people who wanted to show off their beautiful houses, Seth did not offer to show her around the house, except to point out the layout of the ground floor to her so that she would feel at home. The dimensions of the rooms were spacious, the furniture antique and beautiful, the drapes of heavy swathed silk in muted earth tones. There were cut flowers and potted plants scattered throughout the ground floor, and there were a lot of books and paintings. The place looked lived-in, very much a home, for all its elegance and charm.
For her part, Anna refrained from gushing about his lovely home or making any personal remarks about it, sensing that he did not expect it and would be embarrassed. After being there for a few minutes, she did notice that there were no family photographs on display, no photographs at all.
She wondered whether this had been the home he had shared with his wife, then thought that it seemed very much his house alone, kept in very good order by an expert housekeeper.
‘Some of the food is already prepared,’ Seth said, smiling at her, putting a hand on her shoulder, a gesture that was uncalculated and made her feel cherished. That, too, was an unfamiliar feeling now, something she had missed, and she found herself melting, as though her heart had been encased in ice and was now responding to his warmth.
The image of him with his arm around the shoulders of Dr Saigan came to her. His warmth and empathy were not just for her, she knew that.
‘I thought we would eat fairly soon, if that’s all right with you, as it’s a working day tomorrow and Finn must be hungry. Perhaps you could help me with a few things, Anna, and lay the table. I’ll show you where things are kept, the silver and the china, the wineglasses. As for Finn, I have a pile of borrowed toys for him to play with while we’re doing our thing with the dinner, lent to me by Daphne, my housekeeper, who refuses to be called Mrs Willett, even behind her back.’
; Anna laughed. ‘That was good of her,’ she said.
‘The toys are on the floor in the family room, next to the kitchen, so we can keep an eye on him, and I expect the dog will keep him company,’ he said. ‘We’ll eat in the dining room. I’ve even borrowed a plastic seat for Finn to put on top of the chair, also from Daphne, as she told me I would need one. I just do as I’m told when she’s around.’
‘That’s a booster seat,’ Anna said.
‘I wouldn’t know,’ he said, ‘but I wouldn’t mind having to learn.’
While Finn played, Anna set three places at the huge oak table in the impressive dining room, which was painted a dark grey, with shot-silk blue-grey drapes that changed colour as the patterns of light hit them. ‘The silver’s very heavy,’ she remarked to Seth as he came to stand beside her at the table as she handled the cutlery.
‘It belonged to my great-grandmother,’ he said. ‘Yes, it’s not good when you’re feeling weak. In which case, plastic is better.’
‘Is this all right?’ she asked a little later, looking over her handiwork of the finished table, with the wineglasses and the white plates with the simple gold rims around the edges, which must have cost a fortune, she thought.
Seth took two tall silver candlesticks from the immense oak sideboard, put them on the table and lit them. ‘I don’t get to use all this stuff very often,’ he said, ‘so we may as well have the candles too.’
‘Mmm, lovely,’ she said appreciatively.
Seth turned to look at her, the yellow candlelight on his face, mysterious in the room that was already darkening as the day moved towards the winter night, even with a side lamp glowing. ‘This is a celebration of sorts, for you,’ he said. ‘An end to at least some of the speculation.’