Snitch

by van Diepen, Allison

  “You’ll be all right. How do you feel?”

  “Achy. Dizzy.”

  “You have a concussion, so they’re going to keep you overnight.”

  “Where’s here?” I looked around without moving my head too much.

  “New York Presbyterian.”

  “How long . . .?”

  “A few hours. You had some visitors. Eric and Black Chuck were here.”

  “They’re gone?”

  “The doctor thought you shouldn’t be disturbed tonight. Tomorrow you can come home. They’re going to wake you up a few times in the night to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Why?”

  “When people have concussions, it’s important to keep a close eye on them.”

  “Is it okay if I go back to sleep now?”

  “Of course.”

  I squeezed his hand. “Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?”

  “Sure, bella. I’ll be right here.”

  * * *

  In the darkness, I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me. I groaned, but eventually opened my eyes to find a nurse looking down at me. “Doing all right, Julia?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good, then. Go back to sleep now.”

  She left, but I was still awake. Dad wasn’t there to hold my hand. The room was dark and silent except for breathing at other corners of the room. It sounded like there were two or three other people in here.

  My bladder was going to burst. I didn’t think I could survive much longer without going to the bathroom. Slowly, I swung my legs out of bed, my bare feet touching the cold floor. Holding on to the railing, I stood up. My head swam a little, but I knew I could make it. It was kind of like being drunk.

  I shuffled across the room, closing the bathroom door behind me before flicking the light on. I pulled up my hospital gown and sat on the toilet.

  The sight of purple bruises on my thighs and arms sent a shock wave through me. I peeked down the front of my hospital gown to find dark splotches all over my chest and stomach.

  Oh God.

  How could they do this to me? Those girls hardly even knew me. And Marie . . . she was supposed to be my friend.

  I sobbed quietly, smothering the noise with my hands.

  When I was finished on the toilet, I got up to wash my hands and saw my reflection in the mirror. I had two black eyes, a swollen lip, and a bandage on my cheek.

  Is that me?

  * * *

  The next morning, Dad was there when I woke up.

  The nurse helped me get dressed and brought me downstairs to where he was parked. I got in the car carefully, but it didn’t stop my body from screaming in pain.

  “Did you take the day off?” I asked as he swung the old Ford into traffic.

  “I tried. I only managed to switch to the late shift.”

  “Sorry.”

  “You’re not the one who should be sorry. Whoever did this to you will be sorry. Your school contacted the police. They want you to make a statement at some point. You should also take some pictures of your injuries when you get home.”

  “I’m not talking to the cops, Dad, so don’t bother. If I get them involved, I get called a snitch and a punk. Then everybody sees me as an easy target.”

  “So what are you gonna do then? Just let them get away with it?”

  “I haven’t thought about it yet.”

  “I think we should press charges,” he insisted.

  “Even if we did, it wouldn’t be worth the trouble. Getting into a fight doesn’t get you in juvey.”

  “I didn’t think it was a fight. From what I heard, it was an attack.”

  I couldn’t argue with that. I hadn’t had a goddamn chance to fight back.

  “I want you out of that school, Julia. I don’t like the kind of people there; I never did. We’ll get you a safety transfer.”

  “I’m not transferring.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t run from my problems.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? You wouldn’t be running from anything. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable if you didn’t have to share the hallways with the people who did this to you?”

  “I’d look like a punk if I left.”

  “Do you care that much what people think that you’ll put your safety at risk?”

  “I don’t wanna change schools, Dad. I like where I’m at. I’m not gonna let what happened make me have to leave. That’s what the Bitches who jumped me want.” I looked at him. “I haven’t forgotten the stories you told me about growing up in Astoria. It was rough, but you got by. So let me deal with this, okay?”

  “I had no idea you were this hardheaded.”

  “What did you expect? I’m your daughter.”

  He sighed. “Okay, you got me there. But if they so much as look at you again, you’re getting that safety transfer.”

  “I hear you, Dad.”

  ABANDON

  When I got home, I checked the messages on my cell.

  Messages from Q, Eric, and Black Chuck.

  Called Eric’s cell. No answer. Black Chuck’s cell. No answer.

  There was no point in calling Q . She usually kept her phone off until she got home from school.

  School.

  A flash of the locker room hit me. I closed my eyes and curled my fists.

  Bitches.

  Would pay.

  With pain.

  I spent the day watching talk shows. Dad left for work at four.

  Soon after I heard the buzz.

  I answered, “Who is it?”

  “It’s Q.”

  When she appeared in the doorway, she looked me over. Her eyes misted up. “Can I hug you?”

  “Lightly.”

  She put her arms around me, careful not to squeeze.

  “Have you talked to Eric or Black Chuck yet?” she asked.

  “I couldn’t get them on their cells.”

  “That’s because they were busy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Sit down, Julia.”

  We went to the couch. I eased myself down.

  “If you’ve been plotting revenge, you don’t have to worry. Your Crip friends took care of it. Guess who got jumped after school at the bus stop?”

  My eyes widened.

  “Yep, the Bitches who attacked you. By, like, ten Crip girls. Marie’s face got cut. We saw the whole thing from across the street. Black Chuck and Eric must’ve put them up to it.”

  “I can’t believe it. I hardly know the Crip girls.”

  “I’m sure it didn’t take much convincing. There’s been a lot of tension around the school lately. It’s all-out war now.”

  I pictured the scene. The Bitches got jumped! A feeling of satisfaction went through me.

  “Where are the girls?” I asked. “They didn’t wanna stop by?”

  Q’s eyes flickered, and I knew something was coming.

  “They hate what Marie did, Julia. But . . . they’re all too afraid to say anything to her.”

  “What about you? You didn’t say anything to her either?”

  Her eyes dropped. “You know how she is.”

  No way. She could not be saying that.

  I stared at her. “Look what she did to me! Are you that much of a punk that you can’t even stand up for your best friend?”

  “Don’t call me a punk, Julia. This isn’t my fault. If you hadn’t gone out with a Crip, none of this would’ve happened. I told you it was impossible to stay neutral, but you didn’t listen. Didn’t you realize what would happen when you interfered with their plans to jump Eric?”

  “What the fuck was I supposed to do—let Eric get jumped by a group of Bloods? Would you let that happen to someone you cared about? What if it were me?”

  “I would’ve done the same as you—I hope. But I never would’ve been in that position in the first place. Look, Julia, I hate Marie for what she did to you. But no, I’m not gonna tell her that. At lea
st I’m being honest with you. The other girls were too afraid to even come and see you.”

  “Thanks for being so goddamn brave then. What about when I’m back at school? Are you even gonna talk to me?”

  She took a breath. “When you’re back at school, me and the girls will keep our distance. Marie said we had to choose—her or you. But it really wasn’t a choice, because she made it clear that if we didn’t stick with her, we’d be on the RLB hit list.”

  “You’re all ditching me because she’s threatening you?”

  “I told you, we don’t have a choice. If we go up against Marie, we’ll get jumped.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My friends were afraid to know me.

  I started to cry. “I thought you were g-gonna stick by me. How could you p-pretend we’re not friends anymore?”

  She teared up too. “You’re always gonna be my best friend. We just have to keep it quiet until after graduation. We can still talk on the phone and text each other.”

  “But it’s not the same, Q!”

  “I know.”

  Yeah, her tears were real. But I also knew she blamed me for all of this. It was my fault for going out with Eric. It was my fault for not playing by the rules of survival we’d made up for ourselves.

  Fuck those rules. We made them up in seventh grade, when we were sheltered and didn’t know anything about the real world. Fuck basing all my decisions on what’s safe, what will keep me out of trouble. She could live that way—I wasn’t going to.

  Q got up. She wasn’t even gonna stay to comfort me or eat Doritos. “Maybe you’re right, Julia. Maybe I am a punk. I’m just not a fighter, you know?”

  “I get it.”

  What I got was:

  I’d lost my best friend.

  I’d lost my girlfriends.

  All I had now was Eric and Black Chuck.

  And a Crip debt to be paid.

  * * *

  Eric showed up soon after. Knowing all about rib injuries, he didn’t try to hug me, he just touched my face. His eyes said everything. “Hey, boo.”

  “Good to see you.”

  “Got you some supplies.” He slung off his backpack and unloaded chocolate almonds, ice cream, yogurt, and all that good stuff. “You need anything else, let me know.”

  “You’re sweet. Come sit with me.”

  On the couch, I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder. I told myself I could handle anything as long as I had Eric with me.

  We stayed like that for a while, not speaking. The sound of his breathing soothed me, like his hand stroking my hair.

  “You don’t know how sorry I am, Julia. I know it’s my fault they went after you, because of what you did for me. I wish I could erase it, but I know I can’t.”

  “I heard what you did, getting those Crip girls to jump them.”

  “Yeah, it had to be done. Justice, you know. It doesn’t change that you got hurt because of me.”

  I lifted my head to look at him. “It’s not your fault. I don’t regret warning you, not for one second. And I don’t regret that we’re back together. Do you?”

  “If I knew this was gonna happen . . .”

  “Don’t talk like that! I need you totally with me right now. We’re together a hundred percent, right?”

  “Yeah. I just wish I could’ve protected you.” Raw emotion hardened his features. “I was ready to go after them myself, Julia. I was this close. Chuck talked me down, convinced me to let the girls do it.”

  “I know what you mean. I never thought I was a fighter, but when they jumped me, I felt this rage—like I could tear them up. But there were four of them, and they had me cornered. I didn’t even have a chance to fight back—that was the worst part.” I had a flash of memory of their faces and fists. I pushed it back. I couldn’t go to that place of rage and helplessness, not now. Maybe not ever.

  “The Crip girls did a good job. The Bitches were down for the count.”

  “You watched the whole thing?”

  “We all did. Your friends were there too.”

  “They’re not my friends anymore. Q was just over. She said they’re all too scared to stand up to Marie, so they won’t have anything to do with me. She said we could still talk on the phone. Yeah, whatever.”

  “What the fuck? She came over here to tell you that—when you’re in this kinda shape?”

  “They’re all so scared of getting jumped that they sold me out. I don’t give a shit anymore. Who needs friends like that?”

  “I know, but you and Q, you were mad close. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well. She’s not who I thought she was. If she’d been in the locker room yesterday, I don’t even think she would’ve tried to help me.”

  “You don’t know that for sure.”

  “I know, Eric. In my gut, I know.”

  LIFE CHANGES FAST

  I walked back into the school one week later.

  Eric held my hand. With him, I could face anyone or anything.

  Even enter a war zone.

  I wasn’t under any illusions. I knew who my friends were now. They weren’t who they used to be.

  There were no calls from my girls asking how I was doing. Not even a text or an e-mail.

  Years of friendship gone to hell.

  But Eric had been over every night. And Black Chuck had stopped by a bunch of times. They were there for me. They took care of me.

  “They’re here,” Eric said.

  “Who?”

  “You know who. Be nice, okay?”

  “I’m always nice.”

  Sarah Stanley and Nessa Henriquez came up to us. Sarah was tall and dark-skinned, with perfect makeup and a curvy figure. Nessa was a small, fiery Dominican with glossy black curls. They threw their arms around Eric, kissing his cheeks. I felt a stab of jealousy. What did I expect? They called themselves family, didn’t they?

  “Sarah, Nessa, this is my girl, Julia.”

  “We kicked some fat ass for you last week,” Nessa said. “Bet you’re sorry you ever hung around with Marie.”

  “Yeah. Thanks for . . . helping out.”

  “It’s cool,” Sarah said. “You’re family, after all. Well, not officially family yet.”

  * * *

  The school was the same, but for me it was totally different. My ex-friends looked away or gave hesitant smiles in the hallway. I didn’t smile back. Why bother?

  I could hardly walk two steps without running into a Crip. They seemed to be everywhere. Eric and Black Chuck must have had something to do with it. They wanted to make sure I was protected.

  At lunch, I sat with Eric and his blue crew. Despite their thuggish reputation, they were really warm and friendly. There was:

  Rolo—whose name was Dexter, then became Rolo Dex, then just Rolo.

  French—a right-off-the-boat Haitian.

  Snoopy—not to be mistaken for another more senior member of the FJC called Snoop.

  And Hex—whose mama cursed him every day.

  As for girls, I met:

  Apple Jax—aka Jackie.

  Sly—aka Celine.

  Jazz—aka Jasmine.

  And of course, Sarah and Nessa.

  Sitting with the Crips was like sitting with any other group in the caf, except that they wore a lot of blue and everybody was careful not to bump their table.

  What did I expect—that they’d only talk about heinous ways to maim and humiliate Bloods? They were just regular people who talked about sports, parties, and love triangles. Maybe, without realizing it, Marie’s constant Crip-bashing had gotten to me. They were nothing like the Blood-thirsty vampires she’d described.

  Some Crips were obvious, rocking their colors in the hallways. But others dressed like everybody else, not wanting to flaunt gang gear in the faces of other gangbangers—or teachers and deans.

  “We call them Sleepers,” Nessa explained as she picked over her food. “They don’t show themselves in school, but we call on them when we need them. Teac
hers usually think they’re angels. Sleepers get stuff done, son.”

  Eric walked me to my dance class, giving me a kiss before I went in. His lips were cool from his soda, and soft.

  “I’ll be right outside the change room ten minutes before the end of your class. If I hear trouble, I’m coming in.”

  “There won’t be trouble.”

  I walked into dance class, and Ms. Russo approached me. “It’s good to have you back, Julia. Are you all right? You still look a bit banged up.”

  “I’m okay, thanks.”

  But as I went to sit down on the gym floor and started stretching, I wondered if I really was okay. I felt eyes on me—sympathetic eyes, curious eyes, hateful eyes.

  Bitches Toneya and Lisa were watching me.

  I looked at them.

  You want to mess with me? my eyes dared them.

  You’re going down, their eyes said.

  Ms. Russo was watching us. She cleared her throat loudly.

  I so wanted to beat the shit out of them for what they’d done to me. But from what I’d heard, they’d already had the snot kicked out of them last week. They were lucky compared to Marie. Rumor had it she got cut pretty bad and would be out of school for a while.

  There wasn’t one part of me that felt sorry.

  DECISION

  So I had a decision to make.

  Rain fogged up the bus windows, but I wasn’t going to miss my stop. I knew where I was going: three lights and a right turn to go. I didn’t know if it was the damp seats or the guy in front of me that smelled like mold, but it made me want to gag. I always got bus sick when it’s rainy out. I don’t know why.

  The Crips. Sometimes I felt like I was a part of them already. I sat with them at lunch, chilled with them after school. But then they’d go off to a meeting or a party, and I was on the outside again.

  I wasn’t a Crip, and the girls wouldn’t let me forget it. They wanted me to join the family.

  If I didn’t join, my days of hanging around with the Crips were numbered. I didn’t know how long I’d have their friendship—and protection—if I didn’t commit to them. Sure, they were putting up with me out of props for Eric and Black Chuck, but how long would that last?

  The girls tried to sway me with promises of endless parties, but I wasn’t going to join just so I could party with them. Sure, it would be cool to go to the exclusive parties Eric and Black Chuck talked about, but it wasn’t the biggest reason to join.