by J. D. Rivera
“Yep,” I replied, giving her a hug. As I pulled back, I said, “Hi,” toward Brad, trying to act as cool as possible.
He nodded and a friendly smile spread across his face. “Hey, Miranda. I haven’t seen you in a while. You doing okay?”
“I’ve been good. Find any killers lately?”
He threw his head back, laughing. “A few.”
“Can y’all excuse me? Hayes’ parents are here and I want to go say hello,” Mackenzie said, stepping away before anyone could answer.
I turned back to look at Brad, finding him watching me. Why was he watching me? Could the detective in him sense I was a walking, talking addict? I offered him a small smile as I tucked a piece of my long blonde hair behind my ear. “That’s good. A few less killers on the street is always a good thing,” I remarked, a wry smile on my face.
A small grin tugged at his lips, showing his white teeth. “Definitely a good thing.”
“Crazy to think Harley’s already a year old. I mean, I know I’ve really only known her for six months, but…time flies, I guess,” I said, changing the subject.
He nodded. “Yeah. It’s still hard to believe. From day one, though, Mackenzie’s been a great mom. She may be young, but she’s handled everything well.”
“I agree. The part that’s shocking is Hayes being a great dad.” I looked across the yard to watch Hayes swinging his daughter on her new swing set. “If you’d known him in high school, you’d know what I’m talking about.”
“I can only guess. Not real responsible?”
I shrugged. “Not before he met Mackenzie. And then after Mackenzie disappeared…he kinda lost it. It’s great to see them together again. He loves her so much. Both of them.”
“Mackenzie deserves to be loved that way. She’s a great girl.” He tipped his chin up. “What about you?”
I furrowed my brows in confusion. “What about me?”
“Do you have anyone giving you what you deserve?”
I shook my head. “Um, no. I doubt that will ever happen.”
“Why? You’re an attractive girl with a great personality.”
He called me attractive. He’s just being nice, dumbass. “You know, what Hayes and Mackenzie have is rare. I’m not banking on being that lucky, that’s all.” I looked down to hide my embarrassment. I really didn’t want to have this conversation with Brad. Then my thoughts turned to seeing Preston in Target, which meant he was in town. The thought of him being close scared the living shit out of me—I was terrified I’d lose my willpower and seek him out. I needed to find a new addiction…or hobby. Maybe something that included the hot guy next to me. “Hey, um…can I ask you a favor?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think you could teach me how to shoot a gun some time?” I asked, quickly adding, “I mean, being a cop and all, you probably know how to use one.” Why was I such a bumbling fool around him?
His eyes widened a bit. “Of course, but can I ask why?”
“I just think it would be wise. You know, with all the crazies out there,” I told him, looking straight ahead. I didn’t want to give any hints about my past and my need for an outlet.
“Then, yeah. I have some land we could go shoot some targets on. We can make a day of it.” He nodded toward the patio. “Looks like Mackenzie’s bringing the cake out.”
I glanced in the direction of the patio to see the most elaborate cake ever. It was a huge, three tier, pink and purple cake with a tiara on the top and Harley’s name written across the bottom. I knew this wasn’t something Mackenzie would have picked out—she liked simple things. This was all Hayes’ doing, which made me grin. As soon as he had laid eyes on his daughter six months ago, he had spoiled her rotten.
Hayes placed little Harley in her highchair as we all gathered around and began singing Happy Birthday. It was funny to watch Harley’s eyes round as she listened to us. After we finished, Mackenzie placed a smaller cake in front of Harley, which she immediately dug her hands into.
We were all laughing when I noticed Mackenzie’s friend Amelia step closer to Brad and whisper something into his ear. He nodded and laughed as I seethed with jealousy. I couldn’t help it, I hated that some other girl was making him laugh. Some girl who probably didn’t have baggage the size of Texas.
I quietly stepped back from the crowd and found a chair to fall into. I tried to busy myself with watching the birthday girl enjoy her cake, but I couldn’t stop watching Brad and Amelia. The urge to use hit me full force. It was pathetic how seeing Preston today had my entire body panting like a dog after a bone for some coke. I was such a fucking disaster.
“Hey, sunshine, what’s wrong with you?”
I rolled my eyes as Carson sat down beside me. He called every girl “sunshine” or “sexy”. It usually didn’t bother me, but at the moment, I wasn’t in the mood for him. “Nothing. Just sitting here.”
“Just sitting here? That doesn’t sound like fun.”
I leaned my head back on the chair, looking over at him. “Why not?”
“I can think of a lot of things that are way more fun than just sitting here. For one, sex—”
“Stop right there,” I said, trying to sound offended, but I let a small giggle escape.
“That’s better. Miranda laughing is much better than depressed Miranda.”
“I’m not depressed. I’m just sitting back and watching everyone.”
He nodded. “Yeah, okay. But if you ever need anyone, you know I’m here for you.”
I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I didn’t want to admit that I needed someone. I wanted everyone to think of me as the bubbly, happy girl I used to be. “Okay,” I finally whispered.
Chapter 2
Brad
Work was basically my life.
I was tired. So fucking tired. I had worked a case all night and had gotten about two hours of sleep. Even though I could barely keep my eyes open, I wouldn’t miss Harley’s first birthday party for anything.
I arrived at the party at the same time as my mom, her friend, Connie, and Mackenzie’s friend, Amelia. “Hey,” I greeted before giving my mom a hug.
“Can I talk to you a minute?” my mom asked.
“Sure,” I said as I led her to Harley’s room for privacy. She had a look on her face that had me worried. “What is it?” I asked, shutting the door.
“You look tired,” she replied. Not this shit again.
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“No, you’re not. I’m your mother, you can’t lie to me.”
I loved her more than anyone, so I reeled in my annoyance. I knew she was just being a loving mother, but I was tired of the complaints about my job. She should understand better than most since she managed a diner and barely got a day off.
“Mom…”
“I know you get tired of me telling you this, but you need to slow down. You were shot just a few months ago. Now you’re back to working constantly. You’re going to run yourself into an early grave.” She grabbed my forearm and squeezed gently. “I can’t lose you, too.”
She was going for guilt. “You’re not going to lose me. I’m fine, I promise.” I kissed her cheek. “Come on, we need to go enjoy the party. It’s not every day little Harley turns one.”
She nodded reluctantly and we headed outside to where the party was located.
***
After the cake was cut and all the presents had been opened, I took a seat and tried to close my eyes. But I couldn’t. I kept wanting to look at Miranda, my little sister’s best friend. She was so damn hot, but she was only nineteen. I was a twenty-eight, almost twenty-nine year old, homicide detective. I shouldn’t have been thinking about how gorgeous she was. Get a grip on this, Nicholson.
“So, you never answered my question earlier,” Amelia said as she sat down next to me.
I took my eyes off Miranda to look at Amelia. “What question?” While Harley was eating her cake, Amelia had been yacking my ear off. I liked Amelia, s
he was usually funny, but I was tired.
“I asked what you were doing later.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Carson sit down beside Miranda for the second time. Second time? Ease up there, stalker. “I have no idea. Probably sleeping.”
“Oh, okay,” she said.
I finally took my eyes away from Miranda and looked at Amelia. She was staring at her shirt, picking at the hem. I felt like a jackass. She was being nice and I was basically nodding my head to speed our lack of conversation along. “What are you doing later?”
“Nothing. After the party Conner’s dad is picking him up so I have a free night. I was hoping to catch a movie or something.”
“Conner’s dad is in the picture?” I asked, trying to make small talk.
She rolled her eyes. “As of last month. He’s really good with Conner, but he’s still a jerk.”
I took a sip of my Dr. Pepper. “I’m sorry. At least he’s good to Conner.”
“Yeah, we’ll see,” she said, nodding.
“Well, I’d offer to go to a movie with you, but I’d seriously fall asleep. I worked all night and only caught about two hours of shuteye. Raincheck?”
“I understand.” She stood up. “I think Conner wants me to push him in the swing.”
“Okay,” I answered, knowing I’d hurt her feelings.
After Amelia walked away, I leaned my head back on the chair and tried to close my eyes again. I had just gotten comfortable when the loudest squeal filled the backyard. I opened my eyes to the prettiest sight of my life. Miranda was running around the playset with her hair flowing in the wind and a wide grin on her face. I couldn’t help but grin as well. She looked happy and carefree. It was then that I realized she was always smiling, but it was a forced smile. This smile looked different, genuine. My grin faded when I noticed it was Carson making her smile as he chased her around the yard with a water gun. A sudden stab of jealousy hit me. He was making her smile, not me. What the hell?
“Why the scowl?” Mackenzie asked as she sat down beside me. Mackenzie was basically my adopted sister. I loved that girl and would do anything for her. I was glad she was finally experiencing happiness. She had a rough life growing up, but now she was settled with her boyfriend, Hayes, and her daughter Harley.
“I’m not scowling.”
“Yeah, you are. You can’t lie to me. I know you, Nicholson,” she said, a smile playing on her lips.
“Just thinking about the case I’m working,” I lied. I couldn’t come out and tell her I was attracted to her best friend and jealous of Carson.
“Well, stop. I know that’s basically impossible for you, but you really need to enjoy yourself more,” she stated in a joking tone, but I knew she was actually serious.
“I’ll enjoy myself when I’m old and retired, living in Florida,” I said as I glanced in Miranda’s direction again.
Mackenzie tracked my line of sight. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“Who?” I played dumb.
“Don’t act like you weren’t checking Miranda out. I’ve known you’re attracted to her since that night we all went to dinner and a movie.”
I shrugged. “She’s pretty.”
“She definitely is, but…she’s different than when I knew her in high school. Sadder. She tries to hide it, but I can see it’s all an act.”
She just confirmed what I had already figured out. “Why?”
“I haven’t really asked her, but Hayes told me she had a bad break up with her ex.”
I tipped my head back and downed the contents of my cup. “A bad break up, huh?”
“Yeah—hey, babe,” she said, cutting herself off as Hayes approached us. He leaned down, kissing her forehead.
“Hey yourself. I feel like I haven’t spent any time with you. Mom is taking Harley inside. The birthday girl is getting a little cranky,” he explained before picking Mackenzie up, taking her seat, and placing her on his lap.
“I knew she was getting cranky. Too much fun for one day,” she said.
“I didn’t get to spend much time with her today. I’ll have to swing by sometime this week,” I told them. I wasn’t much of a kid person, but I loved Harley.
“How about a day next week? I’d love to take Mac to dinner and a movie,” Hayes asked, a hopeful look on his face.
“As long as work doesn’t interfere, then yeah, I think I can watch her for y’all.”
“Thank you,” Hayes replied, a little too enthusiastic. He looked across the lawn and noticed Miranda and Carson talking. Again. “Ya know, if I didn’t know for a fact Carson would never think of Miranda as anything more than a friend, I’d think he was trying to get into her panties.”
“Hayes!” Mackenzie exclaimed, hitting him in the chest.
“What? I said I knew he wasn’t actually trying.”
“How do you know he’s not?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
Hayes looked in my direction. “Because we’ve all known each other since we were kids. I think they’re distant cousins or something like that. He’s probably just being nice since he owes her.”
“Miranda wouldn’t want Carson anyway. He’s kind of a man whore,” Mackenzie said.
Hayes slapped her leg playfully. “Hey! People can change!”
“Of course, baby, but he’s still a man whore. He hasn’t changed.”
I yawned and stretched my arms over my head before standing. I was tired and done talking about Carson and Miranda. “Since the princess is taking her nap, I’m going to take off. I really need some sleep.”
Mackenzie stood up and hugged me. “Thanks for coming.”
I nodded, and replied, “Of course. I wouldn’t miss her birthday party for anything. I love that kid.”
She smiled before sitting back on Hayes’ lap. “Thanks for coming,” he replied before kissing Mackenzie on the cheek. If I didn’t think Mackenzie deserved to be happy and loved, the lovey couple would’ve been a little sickening.
I told my mom goodbye then headed home. I walked into my apartment, dropped my keys on the kitchen table, and made my way to the bedroom where I emptied my pockets and placed my pistol on the bedside table. As much as I wanted to sleep, I needed a shower more.
After showering, I stumbled into my bed. I closed my eyes and felt myself sinking into a deep sleep when my phone started ringing. Damn it! I answered and after hanging up, I was putting my clothes back on and going back to work.
Chapter 3
Miranda
After the party, I drove home on autopilot. I’d been in a better mood during the party—Carson had helped get my mind off using. But now, in the silence of my car, all I could think about was getting my hands on some coke. My mind kept recalling all the awful things Preston would say to me—things that took root after rehab. You’re a whore. And he was right, I was. The memories of the awful things I let him do to me for a single hit made me sick. You’re worthless. And he was right again. I was worth the amount of coke I shoved up my nose. You’re stupid for ever believing I ever really cared for you. This was the one truth that hurt the most. I had honestly believed he cared for me. Loved me. But I couldn’t have been further from the truth. I was nothing but a plaything to him while he was my entire world.
I could still vividly remember the first time he told me I was stupid. He’d locked his keys in his car and called me to pick him up. As soon as he got in my truck, he said because I was a stupid ass and hadn’t gotten there quick enough, he was going to be late. He never apologized, but I’d brushed it off because he was upset.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I pulled up to the apartment I shared with Kristin. We had met the year before when we lived in the dorm together. We weren’t best friends, but we got along fine and decided to remain roomies once we moved out of the dorms.
I unlocked our apartment and opened the door, instantly hit with the smell of flowers. Kristin was studying Botany and she was obsessed. Flowers were everywhere—living room, kitchen,
her bedroom. Everywhere but my room.
Walking into the kitchen, I inhaled the sweet smell and felt a little calmer. I needed to forget all about everything and get ready for work. I made myself a bagel with cream cheese and retreated to my room.
I placed the bagel on my table, the sight of it suddenly making me ill. Food was the last thing I needed. What I needed was a shower to scrub away the memories.
I turned on the shower and quickly undressed. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, facing who I was made me want to vomit. Tears burned my eyes as I leaned against the counter. With my head downcast, a soul wracking sob escaped. I hated myself. Hated that I was weak. If I had been a stronger person, I’d never gotten addicted in the first place.
I climbed in the shower as more tears and sobs tore through my body. I hadn’t cried like this in a while, but I couldn’t stop them.
I opened my eyes and let them focus on my razor. Maybe it would take some of the pain away? Just one cut and I wouldn’t feel like I was going to explode. I’d be able to watch all the dirtiness inside me seep out and wash away. “No!” I screamed. I couldn’t let this break me. I had to stay strong—just as I had for the last year.
After wrapping myself in a fluffy towel, I plopped down onto my bed and heaved a deep breath. Glancing at my nightstand, I picked up the cute little picture frame. Inside was a picture of Mackenzie and me taken back in high school at a party. I could still remember the night well. It was a couple of weeks after Mackenzie and Hayes started dating publicly and we were all having fun. Mackenzie was sober while Hayes and I were trashed. I didn’t realize it then, but that was the beginning of my downfall, when I started falling hard for Preston.
I had no clue I was about to lose my best friend for a year and turn into a junkie. If only we had a window into the future, letting us know everything was about to crash down upon us.
I thought Preston loved me, I thought I loved him, but what we had definitely wasn’t love. What we had was a love for drugs.
I placed the picture back in its spot. Looking at the clock, I had just enough time to get dressed for work.