by J. D. Rivera
Me: Nothing. You?
Gage: Nothing. You just kinda rushed out of work yesterday and we barely got to talk.
Oh. I remembered my jealousy at seeing Brad with that woman. Then I looked at my bed and remembered sleeping next to him all night.
Me: Sorry. I promise next time I work, we’ll chat. As long as the cougars allow it. ;-).
I noticed one more missed message.
Poco Richard: I need to see you. And you know you want to see me.
Asshole, I thought. Of course he would taunt me with drugs. It was exactly what he’d done in the past to get me where he wanted me. Or doing what he wanted me to do.
Tossing my phone on my bed, I walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on.
You are such a joke. Just a whore that nobody will ever want. Wasn’t that the truth? I wondered if Preston ever realized how right he actually was when he spewed his venomous words.
Preston’s voice sounded in my head as I glanced in the mirror—just as it did every time. I couldn’t look at myself without remembering all the things he had said to me and what I had become.
I glanced down at the drawer containing my razors, debating on whether the cut would help get rid of all my memories, worthlessness, and urges to use again. In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn’t help, but I still debated.
Nothing will change the fact that you are good for nothing addict and nobody will ever love you. You’re unlovable.
I climbed in the shower and let the scalding water run over my body. The temperature was almost unbearable, but it soothed the ache, burning the toxic thoughts from my body. I stood there for several minutes, letting the water beat against my back, before I reached for the shampoo.
By the time I had washed my body and let the conditioner set in my hair, I was bright red from the hot water, but felt refreshed. As I dried off and wrapped my hair in a towel, there was a knock.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, Carson is here,” Kristin hollered through the door.
What in the hell was Carson doing here? I sighed. “Okay,” I replied as I darted into the closet connected to my bathroom to grab some clothes.
I quickly threw on an old pair of jeans and a ratty T-shirt before opening the door. “What the hell?” I screeched, startled to find Carson on my bed.
“The flower smell was causing a headache so I came in here to wait.” A big grin spread across his face. “I only snooped a little.”
I shook my head and sat down in the chair next to my desk. “What are you doing here?”
“I can’t just come over to hang out with you?”
“You don’t normally. Unless…do you want more ice cream?”
He rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. “Not right now, but maybe later.”
“So, what are you doing here?”
“I need your help.”
Scrunching my eyebrows, I asked, “With what?” I couldn’t imagine what the hell I could help him with.
“I ran into Sam this morning at the doughnut shop.”
“So…did you talk to her?”
“Yeah,” he replied as he looked away. He swung his eyes back to me. “I talked to her. She gave me her number and asked if we could get together tonight.”
“No!”
“That’s what I came over here for. I need someone to remind me what a bitch she is. Because I gotta admit, I really want to see her tonight. Shit, I wanted to kiss her and run off with her this morning.”
“Let me refresh your memory,” I said. “She dumped you at a party in front of everyone and then proceeded to have sex with someone else thirty minutes later. I didn’t hit her for nothing. You better not go see her. She gave you her number, right?”
“Yeah.”
I reached my hand out. “Give me your phone.”
“What?”
I flicked my wrist in annoyance. “Give me your phone. You came over here for a reason. You know it would be stupid to meet her.”
“Okay,” he conceded, handing me his phone.
I took it and immediately deleted her number. “Does she have your number?”
“I have no idea.”
“Carson.”
“I promise. It happened kinda fast. She just programmed her number in and said to call her this afternoon so we could meet up.”
I handed his phone back to him. “Well, you can’t now. I deleted her number.” I got up and sat on the bed next to him. I didn’t want to look at him for what I was about to say. “Look…” I began, focusing on a crack in the wall, “I know better than anyone about bad relationships. You’ve worked really hard to get over her, don’t lose that. She isn’t worth it. She’s not worth you losing yourself. If someone really cares about you, they don’t beat you down, they lift you up.”
“You would know that.”
I nodded, staring at the wall, as tears rolled down my cheeks. “It’s okay. He can’t hurt you,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.
Carson knew Preston had hurt me, but he had no idea I was to blame. He didn’t know I had brought every ounce of hurt onto myself every time I begged for another hit. It was rumored that I went to rehab, but he didn’t really know much.
I don’t know why, but I started sobbing harder and heard myself blurting, “He’s been calling me.”
“What?” he asked, shifting to kneel in front of me on the floor.
I tried to stop the tears, but I couldn’t. “He’s called me a few times. I’m scared I’ll give in and talk to him, or worse, meet up with him.”
“Fuck,” he whispered. He grabbed my chin. “Look at me. You don’t answer. Ignore him. Just like you told me to do with Sam. Remember how far you’ve come and how toxic that relationship was to you.”
I nodded as I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “I know. It’s just when it comes to him…I just…he has a strong hold over me. And I don’t want to go back to that place.”
“I understand. Look, I don’t know everything, and I don’t need to. He broke you, I can see that, and I’m here for you. You can come stay at my place if you want.”
“Thanks, but I’m okay.” I sniffled, trying to calm myself down. “I think I just needed to tell someone, you know? Now that it’s not bottled up inside, I’ll be able to calm down and quit worrying.”
He stood up. “Get your shoes on. We’re going to do something fun.”
“I was supposed to hang out with Mackenzie today.”
“You should probably check your phone. I talked to Hayes earlier and Harley is sick. She has a stomach bug or something.”
I reached back, picking up my phone from the bed. As soon as I pressed the button, a message from Mackenzie lit up the screen, letting me know Harley was sick and she had to cancel our plans.
“Yeah. Well, what do you want to do?”
“I have no idea. What the fuck sounds fun?” Carson asked.
“Oh, I know. Wanna go to an arcade or something? Maybe ride some go-carts?” I suggested.
“That sounds good. Let’s go.”
***
Three hours later, we left the arcade tired and full of pizza. It had been a fun, carefree afternoon. We raced go-carts and Carson spent a ton of money on games. I beat Carson and two twelve year olds three times on the track and Carson won a crayon money bank for me and a pair of big nosed glasses for himself. I felt good. Great, even. And I had a genuinely good time.
“Where to now?” Carson asked as we pulled out of the parking lot.
“I have no idea. I’m freaking tired, though. Who knew beating your ass could be so exhausting.”
“Nobody likes a bragger.” He snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it. We’ll go see a movie.”
“That’s what you just got excited about?”
“I didn’t get excited.”
I laughed. “You just snapped your fingers all excitedly.”
“Whatever,” he replied as his phone started buzzing. He looked at the screen and then tossed it into a cup holder.
“You can answer it.”
Shrugging, he replied, “That’s okay. I can talk to her later.”
“Her? Was it Sam?” I asked, sitting up straight. I was going to beat his ass if he planned to talk to her later.
“No. It was…Lara.”
“Carson, call her or text her. I can tell you want to. You don’t have to babysit me,” I told him as we pulled into the theater parking lot.
“Are you sure?” I hated the fact that he thought he had to take care of me and give up his own life.
I grabbed his phone and shoved it into his hand. “Yes. I’m positive. I need to study for my class anyway.”
“If you’re sure…” he trailed as he began typing out a text.
“I’m very sure,” I promised.
He sent Lara a text and immediately received a reply before driving out of the parking lot. Whoever this Lara was, he liked her quite a bit.
By the time he dropped me off, he was almost giddy.
“Thank you for today, Carson. Have fun tonight,” I told him as I exited the car.
“You’re welcome. And thanks for understanding about tonight.”
“Of course. Be safe,” I said before shutting the door.
Chapter 10
Brad
It had been two weeks since I had woken up next to Miranda and I had been at constant war with myself, trying to find reasons to see her, but needing to stay away. She was gorgeous, but she was too young for me. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I knew if I did, Mackenzie would be pissed at me. I would be pissed at me, too.
“You look like shit,” Justin said as he sat down on the barstool next to me. Justin and I had been friends since junior high school and I considered him my best friend, even though we didn’t see each other a lot.
I nodded. “Good to see you, too.”
“Happy birthday, man!” he said, clapping me on the shoulder.
I shrugged. “Thanks.”
He ordered a beer from the bartender¸ then grabbed some peanuts. “You still working like crazy?”
I had been. I had worked a hell of a lot the past two weeks, but that wasn’t why I was worn out. No, my feelings for Miranda were seriously taking a toll on me. “Yeah.”
“You could always quit and come work for me.”
That earned a chuckle. “Yeah, I’m sure I’d fit right in with the other accountants.”
He grabbed the beer the bartender set down in front of him and took a long drink. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Considering, you always have a scowl on your face.”
I shrugged. I didn’t really care if I always looked pissed or not. “How’s Kate?” I asked, referring to his wife and changing the subject.
“She’s good.” He sighed then took another drink. “She’s okay, I guess. The fertility treatments are getting to her. Hell, they’re getting to me and I’m not the one going through them.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything, not having a clue what to say. They had been trying for three years to get pregnant with no luck.
After an hour or so of Justin and I bullshitting with each other, two women slid onto the bar stools on the other side of me, both dressed in really short skirts and tight tops. Each one wearing makeup heavy enough to join the circus.
I took another drink of beer and glanced at the TV mounted on the wall. Normally I watched sports with interest, but not tonight. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I felt a tap on my shoulder, followed by, “Excuse me?”
“Yeah?” I asked, turning to face the brunette. Even with her clown makeup, she was pretty. Well, pretty in a one night stand kind of way. Nothing like Miranda.
“Wanna buy us a beer?”
“Sure,” I said, signaling the bartender. Her intentions were obvious, but then again, her clothes didn’t leave much to the imagination.
Justin took another sip of his beer. “Really?” he asked with a chuckle.
I shrugged. I was just buying them a beer. “What’s your name, handsome?” The redhead beside the brunette asked.
“Jim. What’s yours?”
“Mirah,” the redhead answered, making me wince a little. Way too close to Miranda.
I cocked my head toward the brunette. “What about you?”
“Ava.”
Justin threw some bills on the counter. “I’m going to head out.” He gestured toward the girls. “You have fun with…that.”
I laughed as the redhead—I wasn’t even going to think about her name—placed her hand on my shoulder and slid onto the barstool Justin had vacated. “Already?” I asked, but he didn’t look back. He hated being around pushy women, always feeling guilty about his wife being at home.
The brunette ran her hand up my arm then down my chest. “You must work out.”
“A little.” I wanted so badly to enjoy this, but I just wasn’t there mentally.
My phone pinged with a text and I immediately grabbed it from my pocket. She reluctantly removed her hand and I couldn’t have been gladder.
Mackenzie: Happy birthday again! I want to have a joint BBQ for you and Miranda. Maybe a week from Friday? Her birthday is the following week.
Reading her name while one of the girls put her hand on my thigh, making her way toward my junk, made me want to puke. Sighing, I reached in my back pocket and grabbed my wallet. Throwing some bills on the bar, I said, “Y’all girls have a good night. Be safe.”
I hopped off the stool as one of the girls yelled, “What?” from behind me. I kept walking, lifting my hand up to wave goodbye.
It was a dick move, but I didn’t care.
***
The following Friday, I headed over to Mackenzie and Hayes’ house for the BBQ. I knew Mackenzie meant well, which was why I didn’t tell her no, but she also had no idea I was lusting after her friend.
I stepped into the house and shut the door behind me. “Hey,” my mom called, walking up beside me. Giving her a hug, I glanced around the room. Justin and his wife, Amelia, Carson, and my buddies from work, Rob and David, were there. I scanned the room, looking for the one person I wanted to see. She wasn’t there.
Maybe she doesn’t want to see me since I took the asshole route by leaving a note?
I walked into the living room and gave Mackenzie a quick hug. “Miranda will be here in a little bit. She’s been at work.” It was almost like she could read my mind.
“Okay,” I told her, trying to keep any hint of relief off my face.
My mom brought me a beer and I realized how comical my life really was. I hung out with three people who could legally drink. Even the person hosting the party couldn’t buy beer. Besides my own friends in the room, I really only talked to Mackenzie and Hayes. And Hayes wasn’t overly friendly toward me. I think he felt like I would wake up one day not seeing Mackenzie as a sister anymore and profess my undying love for her or something.
“Thanks,” I offered my mom as she walked back into the kitchen.
I scanned the room for my favorite little girl. “Where is Harley?”
“Oh, she’s with my parents. They came and got her this afternoon,” Hayes answered.
Mackenzie placed some chips and dip on the coffee table then sat down in Hayes’ lap. “We called and asked. I thought it would be nice to actually visit and enjoy adult conversations instead of chasing after her all night.”
I nodded before taking a sip of beer.
“Why aren’t we celebrating your birthday, Hayes?” Carson asked. “It was last week.”
Hayes smirked and I rolled my eyes, almost knowing exactly what he’d say. “I did celebrate my birthday. Alone with my girl. And trust me—” Mackenzie placed her hand over his mouth, cutting him off as the door flew open and Miranda strolled in looking absolutely gorgeous.
Fuck me!
“Sorry I’m late. I had to go home and shower,” she stated. Flashes of what she would look like in the shower went through my mind, along with images of her and I in the shower together. Damn it!
She walked
past me without even looking in my direction. I was guessing she was pissed about my note copout.
I glanced over, catching Rob staring at Miranda. The urge to knock the shit out of him for looking at her spread through me. Mine! I growled low before catching myself and pulling my shit together. I wasn’t even sure where the fuck that had come from. She sure as shit wasn’t mine.
Carson put some music channel on the TV then went to help Hayes with the grill. I gulped down another beer then got up to take a piss before going outside. I walked into the hallway just as Miranda came out of Harley’s bedroom.
“Hey,” I offered.
“Hey…” she said, looking anywhere but at me.
“So, I guess happy birthday early. Twenty, right?”
She smiled. That was something at least. “Yeah. You remembered.”
“Of course. It’s next Friday. Big plans?”
“Not really. Same ole, same ole.”
I leaned against the wall and smirked. “Well, that doesn’t sound like fun. A beautiful girl like you should spend her birthday having a blast.”
She shrugged and bit her lip. “I might go out with some friends or something that night, but I doubt it. I’m kinda boring.”
I wanted to tell her how I could give her a fun night, but I didn’t “I doubt you’re boring.”
“Miran…” Mackenzie trailed off as she stepped into the hallway, her eyes widening at the sight of us. “Um…yeah. Um, never mind.” She began backing out of the hallway.
I barked out a laugh. “It’s fine, Mackenzie. I was just heading to the bathroom. Thought I’d tell Miranda happy birthday.”
“Right. Sorry. Well, anyway, Miranda, did you see what I was talking about? Isn’t it cute?”
“Adorable,” Miranda said as she started walking toward Mackenzie. She passed by me and then turned back. “Oh, happy belated birthday to you.”
“Thanks,” I said as I stepped into the bathroom.
After taking a piss, I rejoined the party, which had moved outside. It was a cooler than normal August night, which meant it was actually comfortable. I found a lawn chair and sank down next to Justin. Miranda was a couple feet away, chatting with Carson about one of her classes, and I tried not to stare.