by Sarah Ripley
It had been fun. When I was a little girl and December came around, I used to get more excited over helping Granny make those cookies than I did about the entire Santa Claus thing. I’d almost forgotten about that.
“Thanks, Amber,” I said. “I need to hear things like that. I need to remember how great she was.”
“She’s still great,” Amber said. “So what if her mind doesn’t work so well anymore? We’re all gonna be that way one day. We’ll sit together in rocking chairs at the old folk’s home wondering if we know each other. It’s no big deal. Your Dad sucks.”
I smiled. “Yeah, he does.”
We started walking to class together. Algebra. Lucky me. The bright side of having it first period was that I got it out of the way nice and early. The downside was I still had to sit through it. At least there were no exams to worry about today. I don’t think my brain could have handled that.
“Did they find out who wrecked your Dad’s shop?” Amber asked.
“Nope,” I said. As far as I knew the police didn’t have a single idea and I wasn’t about to tell them.
“That’s crazy,” Amber said. “How long till they fix things? It must be nice being unemployed for a while.”
“It’s fantastic,” I muttered. “All that free time.”
“Have you seen Kian? Was he sick? How come he missed class?”
I was amazed she’d managed to wait all that time before asking about him. Usually she wasn’t that patient. I’m sure the entire school must have their own theories about the amount of time I was spending with the new guy. I’m sure Amber had heard them all but she was a good friend. She wasn’t going to pass judgement until she got the entire story from me.
“It’s not what you think,” I said.
“Who said I was thinking?” she smirked. “Come on, Mai. I may have fallen for some bad gossip in the past but I know you. He may be a total hottie but you’d never do such a thing.”
“Oh? What did I do?”
Amber tried to hide the fact she was nervous. “It’s nothing. Just a bunch of crap that you’re cheating on Connor and everyone knows that’s impossible. It’s just Breanna telling a bunch of lies that no one believes. You’d never do something like that.”
I could see she was struggling not to add the ‘right?’ at the end of that sentence. Of course now that half the school had either seen me leave the school with Kian yesterday or arrive with him this morning, it would be harder not to believe it. Shoot, if the roles were reversed and it was Connor doing the same thing I’d probably have trouble believing it too.
“Kian and I are friends,” I finally said. “And you’re right. I’d never do that to Connor. But I’m not even sure if we’re still together. I’ve been a lousy girlfriend in case you haven’t noticed.”
“And you had every right after the way he treated you,” Amber said. “All that macho stuff he pulled. But you’re not really making things easy on him either I guess.”
“I’ll go talk to him at lunch,” I said. “He’s got gym last period.”
“It’ll work out,” Amber assured me. “Everything will be fine.”
* * *
Famous last words have never been spoken as often as that. Why do people always assume that everything will be fine once honesty rears its ugly face? Most people say they want the truth but when they hear it, it’s never what they want to hear. I was thinking that as I opened the gym doors a few minutes after the lunch bell rang. Who was I kidding anyway? There was no truth that I could tell that could set me free. I was about to try and save a relationship by adding more lies to cover up the other lies the entire school all ready believed about me.
The big question nagged at me. Did I want to save this relationship? Yes and no. That was my answer. I wanted things to be good between us but I also knew that if Kian was right (and a part of me still didn’t believe him) I’d never be able to have a normal relationship again. How would I explain things to Connor when he grew older and I stayed the same?
I saw him as he emerged from the change room. Lucky for me, he was alone. I waited till he’d walked halfway across the gym before I stepped out from beside the bleachers. It would be harder for him to turn and run this way.
“Hi,” I said.
For a horrifying second I thought he wasn’t going to talk to me and just walk by. But his feet slowed and he came to a stop in front of me. They must have had a good workout in class because his face was still flushed. His blond hair was wet from the shower and it was flattened against his eyebrows.
More than anything I wanted to put my arm around him and hold him close to me. I’d missed him and why hadn’t I realised this until now?
“Hey,” he finally responded. He stood back from me, distant. He was going to make me work for it.
“I’ve been stupid,” I simply said. “I should have talked to you sooner.”
He nodded and rubbed the toe of his running shoe against the waxed floor.
“None of its true,” I said and immediately regretted the words. How did I know what was true or not? I’d only heard the one rumour from Amber. What else had Connor heard?
“So you weren’t at the motel with him?”
He would have to ask that question. I didn’t even have to answer; he saw everything he needed to see in my eyes. Shoving past me, he walked away.
“Wait!” I reached out and grabbed his arm. “It’s not like that. I was mad at you. Can you blame me? You had to go and act like some macho jerk. Kian and I were just talking. I’d never do that to you.”
“Don’t you blame me,” he said. “I acted stupid, I admit it. But don’t you dare say that gave you the excuse to go get comfy with that guy in a motel room.”
“We weren’t in a room,” I snapped. “We were in the library and we were only there for about five minute before we saw the smoke. You can ask Thelma if you don’t believe me.”
“The library?”
“Yes! You’ve been there. Kian’s into old books and I thought he’d like to see them. We were discussing Chaucer.”
Is it ok to tell a lie if you’re just trying to protect the person you’re lying to? I hated myself so much at that point. I was only making things worse by doing this but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t! I hated Kian too. It was because of him that my life had changed so much. It was his fault I was doing this.
And I hated the fact that Connor believed me. I could see the anger and frustration leaving his face because of my explanation. It wasn’t his fault, he wanted to believe me. Connor still believed in a world where he could take his girlfriend out for the evening and bring her home without any cars trying to run him off the road.
His world was safe.
Mine wasn’t.
I was only making things worse. Making him like me all over again when I knew we were going to walk away from this meeting alone. I might not have known it when I first came in but the answer was clear now. We no longer had a future.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” I whispered.
He reached out for me, perhaps to take me in his arms and make everything better. I stepped backwards, away from everything my life had once been.
“I can’t do this,” I said. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
It took a few seconds before my words registered. He reached out again and I drew further away, nailing my back into the bleachers. I yelped and the noise made him frown. Or maybe it was the realisation of what I finally said.
“Why?” he asked.
“I just can’t,” I said as I rubbed the small of my back, trying to make the pain lessen. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“It’s him.”
“It has nothing to do with Kian,” I snapped.
“Sure it is,” he said. “You’re a lousy liar, Mai.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Then tell me you don’t love me. Look me in the eyes and say it.”
I couldn’t say it. It was the one thing I was still positive abo
ut. I looked into his eyes but there wasn’t anger there. Only fear.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
There was a loud bang as some students opened the metal doors and filed into the gym, basketballs in hand. They immediately spotted us and I could see the mixture of curiosity and amusement on their faces. With our arms crossed and standing several feet apart, we must have looked pretty obvious.
“Yo, Con,” Ken Blightman, one of the seniors, called out. “Gonna shoot some hoops with us?”
Someone tossed a ball over in our direction and we both ignored it. It bounced several times, thumps echoed through the building. Eventually it came to a stop right in front of my foot.
Connor looked at me one last time, shook his head, and walked out the door.
I stood there, not quite sure how things had gone so bad but at the same time I guess I completely deserved it. I must have waited a bit too long because suddenly I was aware of the snickers coming from across the court.
“Hey, Mai, pass us the ball, will ya.”
“Yeah, we don’t got all day.”
It was still resting by my foot. I picked it up, turning it around in my hands. The orange ball was bumpy against my fingers.
“Come on, throw it like a girl,” Ken yelled out. He was standing the furthest away, all the way down at the other end. I pulled my arm back and threw the ball as hard as I could. It sailed across the length of the court. Ken pulled his arms out at the last second and the ball shot into his arms, pushing him backwards a few feet. The look on his face was priceless as he dropped the ball and shook his hands out to take away the pain.
It was definitely not thrown like a girl.
Twelve
I stayed in the bathroom for most of lunch, locked in the stall in the corner, trying hard to keep myself from crying. It wasn’t an easy battle and eventually I gave in, letting the tears roll down my cheeks. Every time someone came in, I managed to keep the sobs at a minimum until they left. I didn’t want anyone to know. The last thing in the world I needed was people feeling sorry for me. I could picture the look on both Claire and Amber’s faces. Everyone would know soon enough, I wanted to mourn privately until then.
I was almost late for English because I spent too much time trying to remove the red splotches from my cheeks. I washed my face several times and added a bit of powder I found in my bag. There was nothing I could do about the redness of my eyes but at least I could avoid that by not looking at anyone when I walked through the hallways. I did, however, hold my head up high as I walked into Ms. Gray’s classroom. Breanna might have caught me off guard once; I wouldn’t let her hurt me again. I walked right past her desk as if I didn’t even know she existed. But I couldn’t block out the whispers that followed me as I took my seat.
Kian was there of course, but thankfully he took one look at my face and knew better than to ask questions.
My face wasn’t the only one red this afternoon.
“Have you been fighting?” I asked. The side of his face was bright pink and turning dark purple by the second. There were a few drops of blood smeared on his cheek from where the skin had been cut.
“It’s Ok,” he said. “Just a scuffle. But it’s nothing. They can’t actually hurt me. It’ll be healed by the end of class.”
I grabbed a tissue and held it to his face, ignoring the smirk that Breanna gave me from across the room. I suddenly no longer cared what any of these people thought about me and Kian. Let them gossip. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of the semester hiding out in my room, afraid to do anything because it might get back to Connor. I was going to help my friends, regardless of what sex they were.
“I ended things with him today,” I said. “In the gym. I can’t really be with him anymore, can I? Not when he’ll grow older and I’ll stay the same. Of course I might not even make it till next week. There are a lot of people trying to kill me.”
“You’re not going to die,” Kian said. “Trust me. I’m a lot tougher than this.” He pointed to his eye. “I couldn’t really fight back, not with my strength. Those kids wouldn’t stand a chance so I just let them beat on me for a bit. It probably makes them feel better anyway.”
I thought about the basketball and how easily I’d thrown it through the air. Not to mention the globe of sand I’d broken by simply clenching my fingers together. My powers weren’t even close to being developed. An Unfaded like Kian was probably a thousand times stronger than me. Kian was right, he couldn’t fight. It would be too easy to hurt them. It was something I’d have to remember from now on.
“That was really good of you,” I said. “I’m sorry you’re getting involved. I wish they’d leave you out of it. This is between Connor and me. Not you.”
“They need someone to blame,” he said. “It’s human nature.”
“Yeah, well it sucks.”
Class began so we couldn’t talk anymore. I spent the first bit just doodling in my notebook. Last night’s events were really starting to catch up with me and I started thinking about how I was going to go home and take a long nap before dinner. My eye lids grew heavy and I stopped listening to Ms. Gray, the section of my brain designed for concentration just wasn’t working.
I wasn’t even surprised when the vision hit me. I peacefully watched the classroom fade away; it no longer frightened me now that I knew what it meant. Curiosity was taking over, I wanted to know more about my past and I wanted to know about Kian.
The desks and students disappeared and a field lay open in front of me. Filled with wild flowers and prairie grass, in the middle was an ancient tree with branches covered in thousands of large leaves. Underneath, a young girl in a long dress beckoned me with her hands. I moved towards her, she couldn’t have been older than six or seven. Her hair was black and long, it danced along her back as she moved. There were daisy’s woven through the curls.
I was disappointed once I realised that I wasn’t the dark skinned girl and Kian was nowhere in sight. I would have loved to go back to that vision, I wanted to know more about the love he claimed to have for me.
“Hello,” the girl said once I got close enough. “I’ve been waiting for you. My sister is waiting for you too but she’s hiding up in the tree. She’s shy.”
I looked upwards and another little girl waited about fifteen feet above the ground. Sitting on a wide branch, her bare feet kicked at the air. Holding her hand out, a butterfly perched on the end of her finger. Both girls were identical.
“Do you know who we are?” the girl asked me.
I nodded. “You’re me, right?”
“I could be,” the girl answered. “But which one am I?”
“I don’t understand,” I said. “Are you Apani? Are you me?”
“Good or bad, good or bad. That’s the riddle isn’t it? Who are we to pretend we’re someone else. But I know the answer and you can too. It’s waiting for you in the tree. Look into your reflection and you’ll see who you truly are.”
Stepping aside, the little girl pointed to the trunk and it began to move. A door opened up in the middle of the wood. Through the darkness a set of stairs were carved into the tree, leading downwards.
“All you need to do is follow the path,” the girl from above me said. The butterfly floated away from her fingers and made its way down to land on my hand. Its wings quivered gracefully for a moment before it took flight again to feed off the nearby flowers.
“Go on,” the girl beside me said. “It’s quite safe. Nothing can harm you here.”
I stepped forward, ducking to step through the door. Inside the tree, the air was cool on my face and I reached out, pressing my hands along the sides to help keep my footing. The stairs were steep and I took them slowly. I began to count but lost track around fifty. It was dark inside the tree but far beneath me I could see a glowing light that grew brighter the further I descended.
Finally my feet hit bottom. In front of me was a long hallway and as I moved along, my fingers touched roots and bare earth. The glowing
continued and soon I came across a large room. There were torches mounted along the walls, the fire burned brightly, making the room comfortable and warm.
Along the far wall was a mirror. It was small and ordinary. I wouldn’t be able to see myself until I got closer. Who would I see when I looked into the glass?
Suddenly I didn’t want to know. Kian was positive I was Apani. What if I wasn’t?
I turned around, determined to go back up the stairs but they were no longer there. Instead, another mirror was just beyond my reach. I turned again, twisting on my feet, almost stumbling. Suddenly the room was filled with mirrors, hundreds of them, thousands. Through them I could see myself, over and over, my body moving as I spun around. I couldn’t look at my face. I didn’t want to see.
“Look,” a voice called out to me.
Closing my eyes tightly, I tumbled to the ground, my knees cracking against a tree root. I cried out, biting my tongue in the process. Blood rushed to my mouth and I spat the copper liquid out.
“Look,” the voice came again.
“No,” I said.
“You have too. If you don’t, I’ll make you. You won’t like it.”
I opened my eyes and looked. The closest mirror was right at my face and it was my own reflection that looked back at me. I blinked.
Fire exploded from the glass, burning my eyes and hair. I screamed and beat at the flames. After the panic subsided I realised there was nothing there. The fire and the mirrors were gone. The room was bare and dark again.
A soft giggle came from the darkness.
“Fooled you.”
The torches went out and I was alone in the darkness.
I jerked upwards and back into the present. I was still sitting in my desk, my arms cradled around my head. Anyone glancing at me probably just thought I was taking a nap. Hardly. My heart beat pounded against my temple and my body was soaked with sweat. I glanced around the room but no one was paying me any attention. Except Kian. His eyes watched me intently.