by Sarah Ripley
I had a shower, letting the hot water cleanse my skin. Once I reached broiled lobster status, I got out and towelled off. My stomach still hurt and I pressed it tenderly. I still half-expected the blood to come pouring out any second. But the only damaging marks were deep within me.
Before I climbed into bed, I glanced out the window. I couldn’t see any of them out there but I knew Kian wasn’t far away. I could feel his energy.
He wasn’t going to come after me tonight. That much I knew.
But I didn’t think I’d ever feel safe again.
Eighteen
I spent all of Sunday hiding in my room like a scared little mouse. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t turn on my phone or check my messages. I didn’t look out the window either. I knew someone was watching because I could feel the energy. I had nothing to say to Kian so I stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling. My stomach continued to hurt and it wasn’t because of the vision. It was the pain of emptiness. Every bit of happiness within of me had vanished overnight. I had nothing left.
Dad was worried but I told him I wasn’t feeling well and it was one of those twenty-four hour bugs. It took a lot of reassurance to convince him that I’d probably feel fine tomorrow. Marley brought me some chicken soup but I didn’t eat it. I was too empty to feel hungry.
I asked them both to tell anyone who called that I was sleeping.
I tried to turn off my mind but I couldn’t force it to stop working. When I closed my eyes, Kian was there. I couldn’t erase his face no matter how much I tried to concentrate on other things. Eventually I gave in but the memories of last night came back so strong, I spent the next hour sobbing into my pillow. It hurt so much, this betrayal. I tried convincing myself that maybe this memory had been wrong but then I remembered the way his energy felt when he pinned me against the wall. He’d been panicked but not because he was concerned. He was terrified I’d found out. I’d discovered his darkest secret.
Eventually I managed to fall back to sleep. If I dreamed, I didn’t remember. When I woke up, Dad was knocking softly on my door.
“What’s going on?” he said. “I’ve gotten several calls from Amber, Claire, and Connor. Even that Kian boy showed up on my doorstep this morning. They all seem overly worried about you. Did something happen last night?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
“Did he hurt you? Did that boy do something to you?” I could see the veins in Dad’s neck bulge and his fists clenching at the thought of someone violating his only daughter.
“No,” I whispered. “I just want to be alone.”
Dad stood at the doorway and I could tell he was fighting the urge to ignore my wishes and force the truth out of me. But eventually he nodded and thankfully went away. I could hear Marley and him discussing me in the kitchen but I didn’t care. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.
I woke up in the middle of the night, a scream on my lips, positive I was being eaten alive from the inside. The house was quiet and from outside my window it was snowing again. Kian was no longer there, I couldn’t feel him. There were still traces of energy about, probably Lina and Micah, but I didn’t want to talk to them either. I no longer wanted to associate myself with any Unfaded. I would become neutral, just like Seito, only I’d do it alone. Maybe I should just pack my bags and sneak off to a place where Kian would never find me. But then I realised that Kian had my car keys. I’d have to get Dad to order a new copy for me and he’d lecture me about being foolish enough to trust a boy I barely knew. I sighed and decided to wait it out a bit. Maybe once I felt stronger I could just ask Seito to get them for me.
I watched the flakes fall from the comfort of my bed until my eyelids grew heavy and I drifted off again.
Monday morning took forever to come and I stayed in bed, refusing to get up and go to school. I couldn’t face anyone yet. I didn’t have the answers to the questions they’d ask. How was I going to explain my freak out? Hysterically screaming and clawing my way out of the theatre was something people would remember. Even if I managed to ignore the world, I couldn’t disregard Amber and Claire. I owed them an explanation, especially since they'd notice me avoiding Kian like the plague. There was no way I’d out Kian for being Unfaded. No matter how much he betrayed me, I wouldn’t return the favour. Besides, I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I’d also be outing myself in the process and I was pretty sure that was a bad idea. My choices were slowly being limited down to nothing. There were no other excuses coming to mind except to lie through my teeth and say I had a nightmare or something. But that wouldn’t explain why I no longer wanted to be near Kian. I didn’t want Amber and Claire to take pity on me and I didn’t want Connor following in my footsteps, thinking there might be a chance we’d get back together.
I wanted Kian. No matter how much the thought terrified me, I couldn’t make it go away. If only he were here, he could take me in his arms and hold me tight. I was so tired and his energy would give me strength. It would make me whole. It was like an addiction that I couldn’t shake.
Dad came to check on me before he left for work. Putting his hand on my forehead, he frowned at the lack of fever but didn’t say a word. He knew there was nothing physically wrong but he also knew this was something more than a little bit of teenage drama. He probably figured I’d bounce back after a day or so of being depressed and forget about it. How could I explain to him that I’d never be all right again? I wondered if he felt the same thing when Mom died but I was too afraid to ask. I was positive he’d tell me to get over it and move on. How could he possibly understand?
“Call me if you need anything,” he said.
Once he was gone, I sat up and tried to concentrate on my thoughts. What I needed was more information, another vision to let me know that everything was a mistake. Something, anything that might help me understand. I closed my eyes tightly and willed my subconscious to action. But I couldn’t make it work on demand. The memories and visions were silent.
The rest of the day went by in slow motion. I wandered about for a bit, not really thinking much. I sat down and watched television with Granny and didn’t even notice when she forgot to turn up the volume. I accepted the soup Marley made me but barely only took a few sips to be polite. Around two, Marley took Granny to the doctor’s and came home back an hour later and I went back to bed until about seven when Dad came up to see me.
“I suggest you get dressed,” he said. “Someone’s at the door for you and I’m not telling him you’re sleeping.”
“I don’t want to see him,” I said.
“I don’t care at this point. Connor’s been good to you. The least you can do is return the favour. I’ll let him know you’ll be right down.”
Connor?
I had no choice but to drag myself out of bed and do what Dad demanded. I threw on the first clothes I could find in my closet but didn’t bother to do anything with my hair or face. Who cared? I no longer had anyone to impress. When I glanced at the mirror I could see the dark lines under my eyes. I looked washed out. There was no colour in my cheeks. Even my eyes had lost their lustre. My hair was frizzy and quite possibly dreaded at the back of my neck. I looked defeated. In the four years we dated, I was quite positive that Connor had never seen me look this bad. I shrugged and watched my mirror image shrug back. There had to be a first time for everything.
He was downstairs on the couch and he stood up the second he saw me coming. Dad and Marley were there so I suggested that we go outside and talk on the porch. I pulled my winter coat on and found my boots in the back of the closet.
It was cold outside. The weather had taken a turn since the weekend. It was almost as if spring was never going to come. But the tulips would eventually push their way up from the dirt and summer would warm the lakes and rivers. I’d have my birthday and then autumn would appear and then finally back to winter. And it was going to happen over and over, for thousands of years and I wondered if I’d still be around when the sun finall
y burned itself out of the galaxy.
And would I still be alone? The thought was nearly enough to make me want to die. I thought about how odd it was to be outside without Kian by my side. Was he watching me right now? Was he just beyond my eyesight? I could feel energy but it wasn’t his. It was probably Micah or Lina since it was evening. But what about the others? Were they there too? I didn’t care. There was no more fear left inside of me. Kian had killed me. There was nothing that Anique and Sobek could do that hurt more. They could torture me all they wanted and it still wouldn’t compare.
Connor and I sat down on the steps, each at one end so we could face each other. I immediately spotted the concern in his eyes.
“Don’t ask me how I’m feeling,” I warned. “Don’t ask me if I’m all right because I’m sick of answering. And don’t ask me about him. I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t even think about it anymore.”
“I won’t,” he said but he was now at a loss at where to begin.
I pulled my gloves out of my jacket pocket and put them on. We watched the stars together for a while.
“I’ve missed you,” he finally said.
“Me too,” I said and I was being completely honest.
“I want you to get back together with me. But only if you want to.”
What did I want? I knew the answer but it wasn’t real anymore. It was a fabrication of reality, a fake, a fraud. All those times he’d held me in his arms. Had any of it been real? Why wouldn’t my mind show me the truth? Inside my brain there was five thousand years of memories and I had no way of accessing any of it.
I wanted to know the truth but I wasn’t about to go ask the one person who’d promised to be honest but kept the darkest secret hidden away. I couldn’t get what I wanted. The real question was what was I willing to settle with?
What was I willing to accept?
I wanted everything to go back in time to the night when I first met Kian. If I hadn’t been at the shop he would have moved on with his search and I never would have met him. I would still be with Connor and my life would still be boring and I would be all right with that because I wouldn’t know any different.
I wanted comfort.
I wanted the empty feeling in my stomach to go away and never come back.
But none of that was going to happen.
Even if I were to get back with Connor I’d just have to leave him again one day. Unfaded and humans couldn’t live together. Seito had summed it up perfectly. Humans were nothing but a quick fling, to be enjoyed and then forgotten.
I should tell him no. But instead I said maybe.
“I need a bit of time,” I said. “To think things over.”
“I can wait,” he said quickly.
I’ve waited a long time for you to come back to me. I can wait longer.
I got up off the porch and brushed some of the snow from my pants. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was go back to bed.
He wanted to kiss me. But as he leaned towards me, Kian was the only face I saw. I stepped backwards and Connor pulled away. With a sheepish grin, he opened the door and waited for me to go back inside.
“I’ll see you later,” he said.
I locked the door behind me and went upstairs to bed.
* * *
I didn’t go to school on Tuesday either. Dad was getting impatient with me and made it clear that it would be my last day of moping around the house.
Marley suggested that I needed to clean myself up and stop hiding in my room. So I took a long shower, washed my hair, and got dressed. Even I had to admit it felt a bit better to be out of my pyjamas.
I’d officially gone two days without a vision. There were no more memories. The voice was inside me was gone. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t find answers. The empty feeling grew stronger. I was angry at myself for giving Connor hope and even angrier for not being strong enough to be honest. I didn’t deserve the comfort I craved. I was an awful person and deserved this misery.
It dawned on me that even if I tried I could never go back to Connor. I was still being watched all the time. Anique and Sobek weren’t going to stand back and do nothing just because I’d had my heart torn open. In fact, they were more likely to attempt and attack now that we were separated. It was obvious that the others weren’t giving up on protecting me, no matter what happened. How would I be able to explain to Connor when he noticed Seito constantly tailing me through the school hallways or Micah and Lina showing up whenever we went out? I was trapped.
I spent the morning in the living room, wrapped in a blanket next to Granny on the couch. There was nothing on but daytime talk shows but I wasn’t paying attention anyway. I stared at the television but the on screen conversations slipped past me. Granny was thrilled to have me there a second day in a row. She talked non-stop, mostly about events from her past. It was a good day for her, she even called me by my proper name once.
Around noon, Marley put Granny down for a nap and came back downstairs with her purse.
“Do you mind?” she asked. “I’ve got some shopping to do. I know you’re not feeling well but she’ll probably stay asleep until I get back.”
“Go ahead,” I told her. “I’ll be fine.”
“I put some tea on. Do you want some?”
“Ok.”
She brought me a cup of orange pekoe and I took a sip, burning my tongue. At least it was good to know I could still feel something. Once she was gone I turned off the television but I didn’t have enough energy to get off the couch and go back to bed. Self-pity was just too exhausting.
So I sat there, staring at the blank screen until I heard movement from behind. I felt the energy pushing towards my body, testing the waters to see if it was safe. Emotions entered my mind, concern and guilt being the strongest. How dare he feel bad about what happened. The entire thing was his fault. If he’d been honest in the first place, this ending might have been different. He betrayed me.
“I don’t want you here,” I said without turning around. I didn’t need to look to know who it was.
There was no movement behind me but I could feel his heartbeat. I could hear him breathing softly, watching me from across the room.
“I said go away!” I screamed. A burst of energy escaped my body, pushing towards him, crackling and burning. The living room became quite hot and the light bulb in the lamp beside me shattered. I didn’t even flinch.
When I finally turned, he was gone. There were no signs that he’d ever been there.
I got up and went to the front door. Marley had forgotten to lock it when she went out. From under the kitchen sink, I found a fresh light bulb and fixed the lamp, cleaning up all the little pieces of glass with the broom from the pantry.
* * *
Wednesday morning I got dressed and ready for school.
I stepped outside just before eight and Seito was waiting on the porch. He jumped up and took a deep exaggerated bow. I couldn’t help it, I grinned, probably the first time in days.
“My bike’s just down the street,” he said. “I didn’t want your Dad to get all freaked out.”
“Probably a smart idea,” I said to him. “But what makes you think I’m going to school with you?”
“Because no girl would turn me down,” he said with a sincere expression. “I mean, come on, I’ve got a hot bike and I’m a total babe. Besides, I promised a certain someone whose name I won’t mention, that I wouldn’t let you out of my sight.”
“He has no right to pretend he cares for me,” I said. “Not after what he did.”
Seito threw his hands up. “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m neutral, remember. I don’t care about what goes between the two of you. It’s none of my concern and I don’t want to get involved. I’m just doing someone a favour.”
“Ok, let’s go.”
As we walked to his bike, I saw Micah getting into his car from across the way. He watched us go by but didn’t say a word. I wondered if he knew. Did they all kno
w? Probably. But he was loyal to Kian just as Seito was to Lina.
Amber must have some sort of psychic power because she spotted me the second Seito pulled into the parking lot. I’d barely managed to climb off the back of the bike before she was on me, giving me a gigantic hug. Claire was right behind her, struggling to keep up with her arms full of textbooks.
“I’ve been trying to call you for three days,” Amber said. “I’ve been so worried about you. Please tell me what happened. You’ve been gone. Kian’s been gone.” She smacked Seito lightly on the arm. “And where have you been?”
“Skipping class,” he said. “Took a holiday.”
“I’ve been sick,” I said and I faked a cough for her benefit. “I’ve been sleeping for days. I thought Dad told you?”
“Sure he did,” Amber said. “But I didn’t believe him. I thought it had something to do with Saturday night.”
I flashed the fakest smile I could muster. “Oh, that. I’m really embarrassed. Can you believe I feel asleep and had a stupid nightmare? It was because of my cold. It made me all crazy.”
Amber’s mouth opened wide and she smacked me on the shoulder just like she’d done to Seito, only I think she was harder on me. “Are you serious? It was a nightmare? That’s it? I thought you’d had a heart attack or something. You were screaming like someone was killing you. And then in the lobby with Connor, I’d never seen you so terrified in your life.”
“It was a very realistic nightmare,” I said weakly and behind me, Seito snickered. “Can we forget about it now? I’m really embarrassed and I’d prefer it if we never, never, talk about it again.”
Amber wanted to say more but Claire nudged her in the side.
Connor was waiting for me at my locker. So was Anique. She stood behind him, leaning against the wall and watching. Seito stiffened but I just pretended she didn’t exist. I was not going to let her get to me. No matter how much she followed me around or walked past my classroom, I would not allow her to intimidate me. There were enough people messing with my head.