My phone buzzes next to me, and when I see a message from Nate come through I know it can't be good.
Nate: He's pissed. I tried to tell him why you were here, but there's no talking to him right now. He left, just giving you a heads up in case he shows up.
"Fuck." I exclaim loudly.
Allie shifts, "My brother?"
I shake my head, "It's Nate. He thinks Alec is coming here, to confront me I guess. Allie, I can't do this."
"Just go to your room, I'll handle it." She says, and for a brief moment I almost want to stay. To hear him out, to see him face to face again. But the moment is brief, and I retreat towards the stairs.
I am thankful that Sean and my mother are out for the day. There is no telling how this would blow up if they were home.
It doesn't take long for the sound of hushed voices downstairs to seep through the walls.
While I can't make out what they are saying at first, the volume continues to rise.
"She doesn't want to see you, Alec. Why can't you wrap your mind around that?" I hear Allie say to her brother. "Just stop!"
"We both know I'm getting up those stairs." He yells back.
"Where have you been? You know we've all been worried. You just disappear for months and expect to show back up and break her heart all over again? No. I won't let you. We were the ones who had to watch her cry, not you. Just leave it alone, I'm serious." Allie's voice is shaky now.
"I did what was best, for her. Okay? Just let me talk to her." He isn't relenting.
The sound of his voice causes a war within me. Part of me wants to throw open the door and go to him, and the other wants to stay locked in this room where he can't hurt me.
The war wages on, and I am not sure which side will win.
Before I have to make the decision, the thud of heavy footsteps against the wooden stairs snaps me back into reality.
I know he's standing outside the door. I can hear his labored breathing.
"Jo?" His voice is pained.
I try to speak, but nothing comes out.
"Look, I know you don't want to see me. You don't have to open the door, just listen. Okay?" The pleading in his words shakes me to my core.
I hold my breath, bracing myself for whatever he is about to say.
Chapter Thirty
I keep my distance from the door, almost as if doing so offers me some sense of safety from this situation. I say nothing.
"I deserve that, the silent treatment. I get it." Alec says in a low, defeated voice. "I just- I just need you to understand. I didn't want to hurt you, but I know that's exactly what I did. I thought you would be pissed for a few days and then realize it was for the best. You know? I mean, why would you want to be with someone like me? I'm nothing. And you, well Jo- you are everything."
My cheeks flash with a surge of heat, and if I could slap him right now I would. How dare he? How dare he make that choice for me.
"You're so young, and you have this entire life ahead of you that is just getting started. You don't want to be the girl who fucked all of that up to screw around with her stepbrother."
I can't hold in my anger any longer. "Screwing around?" I scream. "That's all we were, huh? Fuck you, Alec."
I can tell my outburst has shaken him. He didn't expect for me to speak. "What? No! That isn't what I meant. God, I suck at this. Can you just open the door?"
I shake my head, but obviously he can't see that.
"I didn't mean it like that. You know it was more, it was so much more. That's what everyone else will think, though. This, you and me, it doesn't work in the real world. It only worked when it was a secret. When other's opinions weren't involved. Even then, I don't think either of us really thought about what being together would mean."
The tears are welling in my eyes again, and the wave of nausea crashing into me is too much.
"I know you hate me, and maybe that is for the best. Maybe it will be easier for you to move on if you hate me. But Jo, Nate? Please don't. I know he'd do anything to have you, but I can't handle that. It would kill me. You know that." The desperation in his voice does nothing but anger me more.
I throw open the door and shove my hands into his chest.
"Hate you?" I scream, tears rolling down my face. "I wish I could fucking hate you. Everything would be so much easier if I could."
Alec takes a step back, his face riddled with pain.
"Nate let us stay there because I was wasted. Allie didn't want to bring me home like that. There is nothing happening between us, not that it's any of your damned business. You gave up the right to have a say in what I do when you walked out on me."
I shove him again, hoping that it would somehow make me feel better. It didn't.
"You are a coward, Alec. A fucking coward. You didn't leave because it would be better for me. You left because shit got real and you couldn't handle it." I repeat the sentiments from our last conversation, and his face falls. I know hearing them again hurt him.
"The mighty Alec Miller fell in love, and he was too damn scared to do anything about it. You want to pretend you did the right thing? Whatever, go right ahead. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
I take a step back, and fear flashes in his eyes when he realizes I am about to walk away.
"Jo, I-"
I hold up my hand to stop him. "What's the point?" I say, almost in a whisper.
"What?" He asks,
"What's the point of saying anything else? Nothing will change. I'm moving, you know? To California. I got into UC Berkeley. I wanted to get as far away from this place as possible. Do you know why?"
I don't wait for him to answer. "Because being here, in this house, in this town- it's excruciating. I can't escape you. Even after you're gone, the memories are still here. They are haunting. I may be young, but I fell so hard for you it hurts. I am so in love with you that even after everything you did, I still feel the same way. I guess that makes me the idiot here."
He closes the space between us and places his hand on my cheek. His touch causes an explosion within me.
"You can't be in love with me, Jo. I don't deserve you." He manages to say.
"That's the thing about love, it doesn't seem to give a shit about things like that." I reply, moving away from his reach. "You are right about one thing, though. I will move on. Eventually. But not because it's what I want. It will be because you made that decision for the both of us."
The sound of the front door opening causes us to break the intense eye contact, and within seconds I hear Sean yell his son's name.
"Alec, what the hell are you doing here?" The fury in his eyes as he takes in my tear streaked face is unmistakable.
I know that my mother is downstairs, and I immediately want to run to her. I want to let her hold me, for her to make the pain stop.
"Dad, I just needed to talk to her." Alec's voice remains eerily calm.
"Josephine, are you alright?" Sean's attention snaps to me, and I nod weakly.
I take the opportunity to make my escape down the stairs, much to the horror of Alec.
"No, don't. You can't say that to me and then just-"
I cut him off again, "Run away? Why? You did." And with that I turn my back on him and walk away.
Chapter Thirty-One
I fall into my mother's arms when I reach the bottom of the stairs. Allie's eyes are holding back tears as well.
"I'm sorry, I texted my dad. I was just worried, he was so angry. I didn't know what would happen." The tears finally fall from her eyes, and I can't blame her for being afraid.
"Honey, are you alright? Did he hurt you?" My mother asks, and the insinuation that Alec would put his hands on me brings out a surprising surge of anger.
"Of course not, he would never touch me. Not in that way." She seems surprised that I am so defensive.
The yelling coming from the top of the stairs doesn't seem to cease.
"You promised this was done. You promised you would leave her alone,
son." Sean booms.
"It isn't that simple, dad. I just need to talk to her, please." Alec pleads.
He sounds so broken.
"Of course it is. Whatever happened is in the past, and we're finished with it. This is ridiculous." I imagine Sean throwing up his hands in exasperation.
Alec bounds down the stairs, and my mother stands protectively in front of me.
"Did you mean that?" He asks me, looking straight past my mother’s hard eyes. "Answer me, Jo. Did you mean what you just said?"
I am shaking, and no words seem to form.
"Alec, that's enough. Can't you see the state she's in?" My mother says, more harshly than I've ever heard her speak to anyone.
He ignores her, instead keeping his gaze fixed on mine.
"Did you mean it? That your feelings haven't changed? Even after all this? After what I did?" He asks again, desperation thick in his voice.
This conversation shouldn't be happening in front of everyone. I can feel their eyes on me, waiting for me to answer him. Waiting for me to reject him, and judging how long it is taking me to do so.
His eyes seem hollow, all except for the tiniest glimmer that seems to be holding on to a shred of hope that I will say yes. That I meant every word that I said.
What happens if I do? What will that change?
Only moments ago he gave me no inclination that his thoughts on our relationship had changed. He was still justifying his decision to leave me. The fear that admitting my own feelings would still end with him walking out that door overwhelm me.
Did my admission change something for him? Was he so caught up in all of this that he really didn't see that I was in love with him? How could that be possible. It was so obvious, at least I thought it was.
Now who's the coward.
I gather every ounce of strength left in me and speak, tears still falling from my eyes. "Of course I meant it, you fucking idiot."
My mother's grip on me loosens, and I can tell my words have shocked her. Allie lets out an audible gasp. Alec's eyes light up, and one side of his mouth turns into a boyish grin. That stupid grin that I love so much.
"You need to leave." Sean says, and this time Alec nods.
"Sure, but not without her." He says, and my heart slams into my chest.
Sean laughs, "You've lost your mind."
Apparently we both have.
"She's eighteen, if she wants to leave she can." He looks at me and smiles. "She loves me. I don't know why she loves me, but she does. I don't deserve it, but fuck I love her too. I'll be damned if I walk out of this house again without her. I won't make the same mistake twice."
Silence fills the room following his admission. Time seems to stand still.
My mother's concerned eyes meet my own. "You can't possibly be thinking of going anywhere with him. Look at you, honey. Look what he's done to you."
I consider her words, and look back to Alec and smile through the tears. I feel absolutely insane for smiling, but he just admitted out loud that he loves me. Those three words that I never thought he would ever say, he said.
We're now both grinning, and everyone is looking back and forth between us as if we've both gone off the deep end. To be honest, we have.
"So you'll come with me?" He asks, and I can see the fear that I will say no.
"No, she won't. Alec, enough. This has gone too far." Sean says, moving towards his son.
"Yes I am." I say, surprised by the confidence in my words.
You could cut the tension filling the room with a knife.
"What?" My mother, Sean, and Allie all say at once.
"You heard her." Alec says, holding out his hand for me to take.
I do, and when our fingers lace together I feel that fire within me reignite.
All the pain isn't gone, of course. Everything that happened is still there, and there are still so many things we have to figure out. Right now, in this moment, those things don't seem so impossible anymore. I know it will be hard. I know we will both have to fight hard for this, but the important thing is we both want to fight for it.
"I may regret this one day, in fact there is a good chance I will." I say, "But I will never forgive myself if I don't try."
I turn to face my mother. "I love him. I love him so much, and despite everything that has happened... I still want to be with him. I know you can't understand, hell I don't even understand, but this is what I want."
She says nothing, but she doesn't have to. I don't expect anyone to agree with our decision.
Alec leads me out of the house, and when the door shuts behind us I feel like I can finally breathe.
"Did that really just happen?" I ask him.
He squeezes my hand, "Yeah, I think it did."
We walk to the bike, and I stop and stare at the helmet in his outstretched hand. "Don't leave me again, Alec. I can't take it. If we're doing this, we're really doing it."
He presses his body against me and places his hands against my cheeks. "Life was hell without you, Jo. You were right, I was scared. I'm still fucking terrified. I have no clue how to be what you need in a man, but I promise I'll do whatever it takes to figure it out."
I press my forehead to his chest. "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that."
He tilts my face up so our eyes meet, "I'm sorry for making you wait so long."
"Can you say it again? What you said inside? Please." I ask.
That boyish grin is back, "I love you, Josephine. I have fucked up so many things in my life, but you are the one thing I don't want to ruin."
Our lips crash into each other, and all the pent-up emotion from all these months is released.
"Say it again." I breathe out.
"I" He places a kiss on my forehead. "Love" Then another on my nose. "You." And another on my lips.
"Don't make me regret this." I say.
"I can't promise it will always be perfect. I'm going to piss you off, that will never change. I've never done this before. I'll screw up, but I promise you I'll never walk away again."
I can't ask for more than that, it's everything I have ever wanted to hear from him.
"What about California? I graduate in less than two months." I ask, hating that reality has to break through into this moment.
"It's a good thing I haven't put roots down anywhere since I left, California seems as good a place as any." He replies, placing his hand on my thigh.
"Really? You'd move there for me?"
He laughs, "I thought that was sort of obvious after everything that just happened."
I pinch myself.
"What was that?" He asks, amused.
"Oh, you know, just making sure this isn't a dream." I say with a giggle.
As we drive away from the house a flood of emotion washes over me. I wrap my arms around his waist and lace my fingers together, holding on to the man I love with everything I have. I know when I come back home I will have to face a barrage of questions from my family. I know that there is no guarantee they will ever be supportive of us together, and neither one of us could blame them for that.
I can only hope that they will love us through it, and eventually the rest will fall into place.
Epilogue
One Year Later…
I struggle to balance my books in one hand and dig out my apartment key from my purse with the other.
"Dammit" I curse, as my Constitutional Law textbook tumbles to the ground. I finally fish out the key, and slide it into the lock. The smell of Chinese takeout fills my nostrils, and I can almost taste the General Tso's chicken.
"God, I'm starving." I say, plopping down my books onto the counter.
"Didn't feel like cooking, so takeout it is." Alec replies, placing a kiss on my forehead. "How was class?"
I groan. This class was kicking my ass, but I just have to keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. "Same as always, lots of case law to memorize. What about you?"
Alec had enrolled in Ber
keley City College, a community college right near my university. He was taking a few classes here and there while working.
"Class is class, nothing too exciting to report."
He wraps me in his arms, and I breathe in his scent.
Oh, how I love this man.
This last year had been anything but easy. Those last two months at home had been hell, and I had to deal with constantly being told by my mother and Sean how big of a mistake I was making. Allie, on the other hand, tried to be a bit more supportive. Even so, she wasn't sold on the idea.
Our relationship had been a roller-coaster to say the least. One of those old wooden rollercoasters that gave you whiplash every time you rode it. It began fast, ended even faster, and then in the blink of an eye we were trying to make things work again. See, whiplash.
The beauty of California was that no one knew anything about us. Here, we are just Jo and Alec. A completely normal couple without the soap opera-esque background.
"You know, I'm hungry too." Alec says, his eyes hooded with mischief.
"Good thing you got Chinese then." I say.
"Hmm... not for food." He slings me over his shoulder in one swift move and races towards our bedroom.
I giggle and playfully slap his back, "Put me down!"
He lays me onto the bed and hovers over me, peppering kisses from my face down to the curve of my neck.
"You look incredible today." He says in a low voice.
"You say that every day." I quip, rolling my eyes.
His hands snake around my waist and pull the shirt over my head.
He continues the trail of kisses down my body and stops at my hip bone. I let out a small moan and I can feel him grin against my skin.
"You're such a tease." I complain, wanting more.
He slowly undoes my jeans and slides them down my legs.
"You are so fucking beautiful." He breathes into me.
When his hard length presses into me I can't help but gasp. I will never get tired of this.
His rhythm is slow at first, taking his time. Worshiping every inch of my body in the process.
"Harder." I beg, and he obliges.
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