by Limor Moyal
Dan arrived at the office at 11:00, Sharron was in her position and stared at him while he was walking towards his office.
“Morning!” he shot at her and smiled.
He went into the office and sat down, she followed him and stood at the door’s threshold looking at him with a testing, amused look.
“What? Is my hair looking like I got electrocuted again?” he asked and put his hand through his black mane.
“You’re hair’s fine today, boss, it’s your face!”
“What about it?” asked Dan while firing up his computer.
“It has a big smile on it, boss! I didn’t even know you had muscles on the sides of your lips, I'm shocked!” Sharron was glowing over the sensational discovery.
“In order for it to stay there for the next few minutes, get me a coffee and yourself a decent shirt!” he told her, with the smile still on his face.
“I know! You had sex… finally! Who is she? And why is it not me?”
Dan looked at her, amused.
“Why is it that if a man smiles, it automatically means he had sex?”
“Mmm… I have no idea, but that’s how it is with the guys I know,” she smiled, with what he would guess to be an enticing smile, and winked at him.
Dan rolled his eyes, “Coffee! Today! And try not to mess up my smile with bad news.”
“I actually have great news that might make that smile even bigger. Maybe for the first time I’ll even get to see your front teeth.”
“If it’s really good, you’ll get first row tickets to the teeth show… tell me!”
“The Hungarians signed the agreement, they already sent a down payment, and I told the factory to start rolling.”
The smile that washed over Dan's face was authentic and came from his heart, but not because of the Hungarians. True, it was a huge deal, which would really pad the company’s bank account for a while, but he smiled for Sharron, her caring and loyalty to him and GreenTech touched him and this was his way of thanking her. The woman asked for teeth, and that he could certainly give her.
“I can’t believe it! I saw your teeth!” she smiled.
“Now you see you can make a man smile without having sex with him. And just for the record, there was no ‘she’ and there was no sex.”
“It doesn’t matter what made you come in late and smiling, boss; I'm happy to see you happy.”
Tom couldn’t wait to see Dan. Since they’d met on Friday, he couldn’t think of anything else besides him. He felt magnetically pulled to the man, and the thoughts about touching Dan excited him, in the most embarrassing sense, the sense that makes a little tent in your pants. He knew there was nothing worse than falling in love, or being attracted to a straight man, and in all his years as a sexually active man, he had learned not to fall into that hopeless trap.
But it was out of his control, the man got under his skin and he couldn’t control his feelings. He felt, for the first time in a very long time, maybe for the first time ever, something. Something similar to yearning, maybe longing, even though it was a little strange to long for someone he’d just met and who wasn’t really his.
He counted the minutes until leaving the base, he counted the minutes until his ride came. He counted the minutes until the bus came.
He sat on the bus to Tel-Aviv, his head leaning against the window. Little snippets of the Mediterranean Sea poked out across the dunes.
He listened to his playlist, Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day was playing. He closed his eyes, and for one brief moment he let himself drift. He dreamt that one day, the man he was going to see would really be his, and mentally kicking himself for being so helplessly stupid.
Friday started with preparations. This time Dan was more organized and he knew what was going to happen. To his surprise, it didn’t diminish his anxiety or excitement regarding meeting Tom. If anything, he found he almost feared the shared weekend. Only this time, the fear wasn’t about failing, but more from his discovery of how much he was looking forward to the meeting and how much he was focusing his efforts and planning for the coming weekend.
He wanted everything to be ready, he went shopping again, and this time he focused on beers, lots of beers, but he also made sure to buy health-bars to sneak into Tom’s duffel bag.
He remembered how Flora used to hide a snack of some sort in between his clothes inside his kitbag sometimes, and how he would always find it at the moment he needed some sweet comfort food the most. He wanted to share that experience with Tom, to give him a moment of indulgence when he was far away and alone.
This time he also made sure to organize himself properly. He took a shower, shaved and even used his favorite cologne, the one that Lena hated. He wore his turquoise Tommy Hilfiger shirt that Lena insisted on buying because it “brought out his eyes” or something, and a little too tight black jeans, but his feet remained bare. He always went barefoot at home, the feeling of the floor on his feet grounded him and gave him a sense of safety and serenity.
Tom arrived around noon and seemed pretty tired. Dan welcomed him with a warm inviting smile, but there was a shyness between them that made things a bit awkward. It was as if the two passing days since they last met, had renewed the walls they both put up for strangers that they’d managed to break down in their first meeting.
“Are you hungry, Texas? I was planning on grilling some dead animals, a barbeque on the deck sounds good?”
“Sounds very good,” Tom grinned, “I just have to take a shower and peel these khakis, give me ten minutes and I'll be right down.”
“Take twenty, Texas, we don’t have roll calls here. I'm going to get started on the food.”
Tom went upstairs, and Dan started setting up the BBQ. He lit the gas on the burners, to make the ceramic stones red-hot. He brought the salads, focaccias and fresh meat tray outside to the picnic table.
He opened a bottle of beer for himself and searched for something on the radio. After a few tries, he tuned in to a station broadcasting an eclectic collection of good music, without too much talking and commercials, and turned on the speakers in the yard.
The autumn air was filled up with jazz sounds and grilling smells. The juicy steaks were hissing on the grill. He took a sip from his beer, and, for a second, he felt happy.
Mike always told him, that happiness is like soap bubbles. It comes in small fragile doses, transparent and gentle, that you can’t catch, or hold forever. You have to learn to recognize the moment, to embrace it and, when the bubble pops and the moment is over, to choose whether to remember it or not.
Mike insisted that the miserable people are the ones who think that happiness is a permanent state. They waste half of their lives trying to find it, and the other half being disappointed that they can’t, while there are many little soap bubbles floating in the air around them, but they don’t ever see them.
Dan argued against it, he claimed that he didn’t believe in happiness, that he had no interest in it, and his misery was probably his natural state, and an integral part of his dark personality. As far as he knew, being satisfied and content was more than enough, and happiness was just a fiction invented by Hollywood in order to sell movie tickets.
But then, while standing on the deck, barefoot and immersed in pleasant scents and magical sounds, when Tom would soon come and share this atmosphere with him, he knew that he was seeing a soap bubble, and he forced himself to enjoy it before it popped.
Tom stood on the deck, damp from the shower, and fumes of heat and cologne surrounded him. It was the first time Dan saw him in civvies, and he was amazed by the impressive sight, but the look on his face burst Dan’s bubble.
“Why is your face down, Texas?”
“Umm… It’s my laundry.”
“What about it?” Dan tried to understand what Tom was talking about.
“It’s clean, ironed, and folded in the closet.”
“And that’s such a disaster because…?” asked Dan.
“It’s not that it’s a
disaster. Don’t get me wrong, it’s much nicer than seeing a bag smelling like a dead cat. But, Dan, it’s my laundry, with my personal sleaze, and it’s really not your job to take care of it!”
Dan stood in front of him, upright and determined, “First of all, it’s not me! I have no idea how to operate a washing machine. It’s a miracle I even know where it is inside this monument. Sveta, my maid, was here yesterday and decided on her own that there was a biological hazard, so she took care of it. It’s not a big deal, Texas!”
But it didn’t calm him down, “Still, Dan, I don’t feel comfortable with this.”
Dan flipped the burgers and steaks on the grill, took a big sip from his beer, “Let me get this straight, Texas, is this about your privacy?”
Tom thought for a moment before answering, “It has nothing to do with privacy, there’s nothing private about dirty textiles. I guess I'm just not used to people taking care of me. It’s weird and I don’t know how to deal with it. It makes me feel like I owe you something, and I have nothing to give in exchange. Please don’t put me in this position again.”
Dan almost melted all over the deck from the man’s honesty. He wanted to hug him and never let go, he wanted to tell him that the exchange he was getting, from Tom’s presence in his life, was tenfold more than Sveta doing his laundry. That the fact that Tom was there, with him, was more than anything he could’ve asked for. Of course he couldn’t have said any of that because he was afraid that the guy would panic and leave.
“Listen to me Texas, first of all, there's nothing wrong in letting someone take care of you a little bit. It’s not against the law to be spoiled from time to time. But just to make it clear, Sveta comes here twice a week, to a house I'm barely in, and other than cleaning dust off of all the crap and doing my laundry every once in a while, she doesn’t have much to do. So your ‘dead cat’ was a bonus for her. If you’re insisting on giving something in return, sell all of the crap fast for Sveta's sake. Because I'm getting the feeling that even she is getting sick of seeing it.”
Finally a smile, not just a smile, but the one with the white teeth and the dimple and the joyful eyes. Dan looked at him and could feel his heart stretching in his chest.
“I guess I need to loosen up a little bit. These last few years I got used to being on my own and not dependent on anyone, I forgot how it is when someone takes care of you.”
Dan smiled and raised his beer bottle towards him to bless him for his acceptance.
Tom opened his own bottle, and took a few longs sips that left less than half the bottle, “Smells good, Chef Green.”
“Tell that to the cow who donated her body to this meal, I just put her on the grill.”
They sat on the deck and ate, slowly. Tom talked about college, about his math degree and about his academic plans for a second degree in physics. Dan talked about his childhood, and why he chose biotechnical engineering and how it lead to launching GreenTech. He told Tom about his vision, of developing technological solutions in the medical field. They drank and talked and laughed and listened to music, and the hours passed, and they felt good.
The sun started to set, when they were wasted, each one in his own deck chair, they looked together at the huge oak’s branches in the yard. There was a determined Hoopoe bird coming and going, busy with building a nest in the oak's trunk, and they both stared at him, fascinated.
Home Again by Michael Kiwanuka played on the radio and the busy Hoopoe gave a new meaning to the song.
“I love this song, every time I hear it, I think about home and it makes me miss it, but I don’t really know which home I miss,” Tom said quietly. Something in his voice let Dan know that he was sharing a deep private thought. Dan was glad that Tom was comfortable enough to open up to him.
“One of my favorite songs, only in my case he makes me think of the home that never was, and probably will never be,” Dan responded quickly.
The surprising confession didn’t leave Tom indifferent, “Oh, God, you’re the most pessimistic person I've ever met!” said Tom almost angrily, but his huge sweet smile calmed Dan down.
“I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist, there’s a difference! And you, Texas, are optimistic to the point that requires a drug test, sometimes I feel like you’re glowing from happiness; it’s scary.”
Tom laughed, “Very scary! Be careful not to catch it too.”
“I wish I could, but there’s no risk of that happening. I don’t understand how you can see the glass half full, even when you’re holding a cracked dry mug with a hole in the bottom,” said Dan.
“And I don’t understand how you can see the glass half empty even in the middle of crossing the sea of Galilee,” said Tom.
“Well, that’s pretty easy given the fact I don’t know how to swim,” Dan answered with a grin.
“Seriously?” Tom raised his eyebrows at him, “We’ll have to teach you sometime.”
“Or not!” replied Dan, “I got by with walking until today, I'm pretty sure it’s good enough considering I live on land.”
“I swear that one day I'll find a way of taking you out of the shadow you live in,” stated Tom.
“I'm pretty good here actually,” replied Dan.
“Dan! Dan, learn to live your life, it’s a wonderful skill, most people just exist.”
“Thank you master ‘Yoda’, duly noted!”
Tom smiled, sunk himself into the chair, and closed his eyes.
“Oscar Wilde, actually…”
They woke up at 11:00 on Saturday after they spent the night watching a Breaking Bad marathon and having an Xbox tournament. What was Dan’s guilty pleasure turned out to be one of Tom’s many skills and he totally beat him on the console.
Dan was chopping vegetables on his kitchen island while Tom set up the crap on the dining table and took pictures of each item from every angle to sell on eBay.
“We didn’t talk about the rules,” Dan opened.
“Rules? There are rules? You didn’t say anything about rules when I signed the contract.”
Dan separated lettuce leaves and kept going, “Don’t worry, Texas, it’s more for your own good than it is for me.”
“Are you sure? Because that’s exactly what the doctor told me in the recruiting office in the army a second before he gave me a prostate exam and we both know how that ended.”
“Don’t get any expectations, Texas it’s not that much fun,” laughed Dan.
“Okay, I'm listening,” said Tom, “What are the rules?” He went on taking pictures of a colorful Tiffany lamp.
“It’s not complicated: First rule is, all of the house, including its content, is at your service, except for my bedroom and office. The second rule is that you have a key and the alarm code, so you can come and go as you wish, even if I'm not home. Third rule is about the kitchen. The kitchen is my domain, and other than a sandwich, a coffee, or taking a beer out of the fridge, you don’t come near it.”
“Sounds great to me, if you have more rules like these you’re welcome to keep going, I totally like these.”
“About friends,” continued Dan, “I don’t have a problem with you having friends over, I want you to feel at home. I don’t have a problem with girls coming to sleep over… as long as you keep quiet and I don’t have to run into them naked in the morning or find a pack of tampons in the bathroom.”
Tom laughed and blushed, “No worries Dan, there’s no chance of that happening!”
Dan looked up at Tom, Tom looked back with a shy smile and a blush coloring his cheeks.
“I thought you figured it by now, Dan,” said Tom with some hesitation.
“What am I supposed to figure?”
Tom waited a moment before answering, “That If there’s a chance of you running into someone naked in the morning, it will probably be a man.”
Tom kept looking at Dan, with the blush still on his face, but a little less smile, and the longer Dan’s silence echoed between them, the more Tom’s smile faded and disappe
ared.
Tom got scared. He had planned to tell Dan, but had been waiting for the right moment. Dan had a right to know, and Tom had a right to be free of keeping himself as a dirty secret, he suddenly understood how this revelation could be the last thing to happen between him and Dan and the thought of losing Dan saddened him, especially if it was because of him being gay.
“No, I had no idea, Tom, and I have no problem with you being gay. I'm just a little shocked. It’ll take me a moment to get used to the idea.” Dan returned to his lettuce and suddenly its green veins seemed clearer and sharper than ever. His pulse intensified while he was trying to wear a straight face, but deep within himself he felt a tidal wave of emotions of every possible kind washing over him.
Tom continued with his picture taking, snapping away at a strange looking ugly wall clock that Dan said cost over 2000 dollars.
Dan went on to cut cucumbers with surgical precision while trying to calm down, organize his thoughts and try to understand why this revelation rattled him so much.
He wasn’t a homophobe, and Tom wasn’t the first gay he encountered. As far as he knew, it didn’t change anything. At least that was the voice of reason. But his stubborn world of emotions didn’t really agree, something bothered him, chafed him and he didn’t know exactly what it was.
“Just to get it out of the way, you should know I'd have no problem if you brought a guy here to sleep over, as long as I don’t run into him naked in the morning, or find a used condom in the bathroom.” Tom sent him a little smile, and Dan noticed a certain relief on the other man’s face. He understood that Tom was scared; he was scared that Dan would condemn him, kick him out, and refuse to accept him now that he knew the truth.
Suddenly, Dan realized how hard it could be, being gay in a straight world, how much courage you sometimes need and how many let-downs and heart breaks being honest could invite. It made him admire this young, beautiful guy even more.
Tom told him he was going out that night and that he would come back late. He didn’t give away any details as far as where he was going and Dan didn’t ask.