by Limor Moyal
“Thirty-four, Texas, and better late than never. The pain is killing me, so let’s go so we won’t miss the appointment.”
Dan was sitting, alert, and waited to be called. The waiting room was gray and yellow, colors that were supposed to be calming, but the clinical smells and the drilling sounds didn’t really help the atmosphere and his anxiety grew bigger; he hated dentists, but he hated the toothache even more.
Tom was impatient and got up from the chair, he went to the window and looked at Jaffa from above, the view he could see from the building excited and saddened him, beauty and ugliness, new and old, clean and dirty, rich and poor, all these contradictions that are Jaffa filled his vision and he wanted to cry.
He remembered his night with Kfir. Sex, a body touching another body trying to reach an orgasm, mutual masturbation.
Technically, the sex was great; he and Kfir spoke the same language in bed, but while he filled the condom, deep within Kfir, all he could see was Dan. At that moment when he’d been pinned deep in another body, Tom realized he was in love, which lead to deep sorrow and pain he didn’t know was possible, and he made a decision, completely contradicting his true feelings and instincts, to see Kfir again! He had to kill these emotions before they could choke him and shatter him to pieces.
“Dan Green, Dr. Geresh will see you now,” said the receptionist.
Dan came in and set on the dental chair, and let Dr. Geresh take a look at the fiasco at the end of his jaw. after a few agonizing minutes, a disgusting taste of latex gloves and an X-ray, Geresh started explaining, “The good news is that you don’t have an inflammation in your gums, the tooth is just stuck in an awkward position and it’s trying to break free, I suggest we wait a little bit, I’ll give you something for the pain, we’ll see if it erupts on its own or if it decides to stay stuck in which case we’ll have to perform surgical extraction.”
“How is it possible that at the age of thirty-four I have to deal with a wisdom tooth?”
“Wisdom teeth are a part of an evolutionary process and everyone deals with it differently, in your case, the other three wisdom teeth erupted normally, this one in particular decided to ‘show up fashionably late’ and with a lot of pain. it may be rare seeing a man your age dealing with something like that, but it happens from time to time, and it’s not the end of the world,” summed up Geresh and turned his back to write a prescription for pain killers.
Tom dropped Dan off at the office and they agreed he’d come pick him up when he finished his errands in Tel Aviv.
What Dan didn’t expect was to see Tom determinedly walking into his office at 14:30 and Sharron behind him with a wide smile and the predatory look in her eyes.
Dan took his reading glasses off and smiled at Tom, “This is a nice surprise, Texas, you’ve finished your errands quite quickly I see.”
Tom put a bag on the table with two falafels in it, and a can of Diet Coke, “I’m willing to bet money that you didn’t have lunch today.”
“You’ll be a rich man one day, Texas, I’m sure of it, you have a sense for gambling,” said Dan while opening the bag and enjoying the smell of the spices coming up from the warm pita bread.
“Wow, thanks, I’m starving,” said Dan and took a healthy bite out of the pita.
“How’s the tooth? Did you take a pill?”
“I took one and it doesn’t hurt now, but I’m kind of on a trip; Geresh gave me something strong.”
“That’s what happens when you take a pill on an empty stomach,” said Tom as he took his pita out of the bag.
Sharron came near the table, “So am I going to wait much longer until you introduce us, Dan?”
“Sharron, meet Tom, Tom meet Sharron, my personal assistant.”
“I assume Tom is your lone soldier,” she said while looking at Tom with a look full of compassion and affection, and of course her ‘silicone-soldiers’ stood at ‘attention’.
“I’m not ‘lone’, but I am his soldier,” said Tom and looked at Dan.
“It’s nice to meet you Tom, I’m glad you found a fostering family who’s all ‘Dan’, you’re lucky, but I have to admit if I knew you were this hot I’d foster you myself.”
Dan rolled his eyes at her, “Leave the kid alone Sharron, he’s not your age!”
“And since when has chronology stopped me? So do you have a girl-friend Tom?”
“I do and his name is Kfir.”
Dan almost choked on a falafel ball at what he heard. He knew it was just an excuse.
Tom was familiar with Kfir’s body more than he knew the man himself, but nevertheless it was weird and painful for him to hear Tom crowning this stranger as his ‘boyfriend’. A wave of jealousy washed over him and he gave himself an imaginary slap that made him wake up. What right did he have to be jealous?
All of these sour thoughts expired at the very moment when he saw Sharron’s face when the revelation hit her, he burst out laughing, it was a look to save to his memory banks. “You’re welcome to pick up your jaw and put it back in, it’s almost touching your cleavage,” said Dan while still laughing.
“Stop! You’re not serious! You’re gay? You don’t look gay,” she looked at Tom searchingly and Dan saw her mental cogs turning.
“Wow, listen, I have this hot nephew… He is a law student, just got out of a two-year relationship, not someone that sleeps around, a steady guy. Anyway if Kfir doesn’t work out or something…”
Tom smiled at her, “Why is it that straight people always have to match up the only two gay guys they know? Is it some sort of an instinct you’re born with?” he smiled at her to signal it was being said with humor and affection because he wasn’t really mad at her and then continued, “Kfir and I just met; I’m trying to fit both he and Dan into the little time I have on leave. I’m really not looking for a relationship at the moment, but, thanks anyway, Sharron.”
“You’re very welcome,” she smiled at him, “So, I guess I’ll leave you with the falafel and go back to work, it was nice meeting you, Tom.”
“As it was for me, Sharron,” she had already turned around and started leaving but Tom wasn’t done with her, “Oh, and Sharron!” she looked at him curiously.
“Dan’s taking pain meds, please make sure to feed him, I don’t want him to burn his stomach with these drugs and I’m going back to the military on Sunday, so there won’t be anyone around to watch him.”
“No problem sir, it’s on me!” she saluted, smiled, and left the office.
“I’m a big boy, Texas, you don’t need to take care of me.”
Tom took a bite of his falafel and answered with a full mouth, “That’s why you took a pill on an empty stomach, real big boy, and just between us someone does need to take care of you.”
“Someone needs to take care of you!” answered Dan.
“After yesterday I’m pretty sure there’s someone for that job.”
Dan wondered if he meant him or Kfir.
On the way home, Dan’s playlist was rocking the speakers with Wonderwall by Oasis and filled the Jeep’s space with secrets and hopes. They sang together and smiled and Dan thought that Geresh’s pill was turning out to be a good surprise and not only regarding his wisdom tooth.
The traffic was there, on Ayalon, as always, only sharing the time with Tom and the music made it fun and he found himself hoping a little bit for this ride not to end.
But, like any good thing it ended and they got home, Tom went upstairs to freshen up, and Dan sat on the deck with a cup of coffee and thought about wisdom teeth, and loneliness.
“What do you think about having a beer on the beach? We’ll wait till sunset, and in the meantime I can show you how to play the Xbox and then we’ll go, sound good?” Tom half asked, half suggested.
"I know how to play the Xbox, Texas," said Dan
"No, you know how to hold the remote and move your fingers over it, that’s not playing, Jedi! But if you enjoy having your ass kicked, I don’t mind that either," said Tom, smiling
.
“Do you like your victims broken and bleeding on the floor, Texas?”
Tom looked at him with a piercing look and didn’t answer.
“What about Kfir?” Dan asked politely, hoping for good news; like maybe Kfir had been run over, fell off some bridge, or just found somebody else.
“We were together yesterday, we made plans for Friday, you have two days to put up with me.” Dan was disappointed about Kfir but happy for the time he will have with Tom, but he kept an indifferent face.
“Are you ready to fight? I brought Far Cry from a friend in the army, get ready to die, Jedi!”
Not surprisingly, Tom completely beat Dan, but Dan enjoyed his soldier’s jumping from excitement and happiness so much, that all of the blood spilled from his avatar in the game was worth it.
Sunset started with shades of orange calming the bright sky. Tom stretched and decided they were going to have that beer on the beach.
The beach on Herzliya Pituach had a large variety of places to sit, and they chose a simple bar, with low chairs, near the water line.
A chilly wind and the smell of the sea wrapped them up, little droplets of saltwater fell over their skin and clothes, and the good cold beer met the pain killer and Dan felt as if he was rising. He took his shoes off, took off his socks and stuck his feet in the damp chilly sand. An almost sensual sensation.
They looked at the waves that came closer and closer with the tide, Bono was singing Stuck in The Moment from the bar’s speakers and the waves howled and sang along with him.
Tom seemed pensive and almost sad, Dan thought he was beautiful even when he was sad, but nevertheless, he didn’t like seeing him that way.
“Is everything okay, Texas?”
“I long for… I don’t know what exactly,” he answered, speaking to Dan and the waves.
“I know the feeling,” replied Dan.
“Let’s walk on the water line, I want to feel the waves,” Tom looked at him and asked, almost begging. Dan didn’t need to be persuaded, the feeling that the sand and the water gave his body were a good enough reason, he got up and paid the bill, Tom took his shoes off and they walked together barefoot and intoxicated right to the wet sand, where the Sea meets the shore.
The lazy tongues of the waves lapped at their feet, the last moments of sunset stained the horizon with shades of purple and orange.
They quietly walked north, each lost in his own thoughts.
“Tell me about your family, Dan” asked Tom while looking at the sand.
Dan hesitated for a moment, “Are you sure you’re up for tragic stories tonight?”
“I’m into getting to know you and it’s about time for you to stop hiding in plain sight.”
“So get ready, this will be long, melodramatic, and it doesn’t have a happy ending, as you can see,” Dan stated.
“Do you plan to drop dead tonight? Because if not, I don’t understand how you can talk about a story’s ending while it’s still unfolding, maybe even a moment before the peak, your life has barely started…..,” said Tom almost in anger.
Dan smiled at him, “I haven’t opened my mouth yet and you’re already waving your half-full glass at me. What’s up with you, Texas?”
“I thought you got used to it ‘Blues-Man’, I’m a naive guy that believes in love and happy endings,” answered Tom
“So here goes,” started Dan, “I was born thirty four years ago to a father who was an MD and a mother who was a nurse, it’s a cliché, I know, but unfortunately we don’t choose our own life’s screenplay, I was born via C-Section, because my mom didn’t want it to happen again.”
“Happen again?” asked Tom the required question.
“I have a thirty-nine year old brother, he has Cerebral Palsy, a severe case, he’s been living in a rehabilitation center ever since he was born, and the last time I saw him was five or six years ago. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his throat and strangled him, I can’t stop thinking about the irony of this, the same cord that grew him and nourished him and raised him to a healthy baby, became his noose in the womb. What kind of twisted logic is that? Sometimes I think god has a sick sense of humor.”
He was quiet for a few moments, trying to regain his composure and continue.
“She couldn’t stop blaming herself, she was mad at her body for creating life and then killing it, she couldn’t bare Adam’s suffering, his name is Adam. I remember as a kid, hearing her tell my dad that she cursed God for not killing him, but choosing to let him exist and not really live. Hell isn’t a painting by Hieronymus Bosch, hell is being trapped within the walls of your own, where nobody gets in or out, and it doesn’t matter how loud you scream or knock on the door and cry and bleed, no one will hear you. Adam has been living there for the past thirty-nine years,” he stopped for a moment to look at Tom and fell into his suffering and compassionate eyes.
“She didn’t want any more kids after the trauma she went through with Adam, but my dad insisted that he wanted another child, a ‘real’ child, and not a soulless body, eventually she gave in and had me.
Unfortunately I didn’t get to enjoy her too much, she succumbed to cancer when I was six. Cancer was the tool, sorrow and heart-break were the reasons.
She loved me, I know and remember, but it was over, and she died, and I was left with him; with my dad. He raised me on his own, he tried being a good father, or at least what he thought that meant. He gave me everything, but not to the point of spoiling; he loved me and was aware of every aspect of my life. It was crystal clear to him who I should be, what I should do, and with whom, and it didn’t really correspond with my wants or my personality. He tried creating a Dan who was worthy of the name, and this imaginary Dan didn’t have anything to do with me or who I really am.”
Another silence, wet sand under bare feet. Single shells scattered over the sand were glowing in the moonlight.
“He loved me only when I was the Dan that fit his mold, he was cold and indifferent when I strayed from the path, and there were a few times when I did, they were just volleys, not some colossal rebellion. I simply didn’t want to sadden him, he was also a victim of life, but it was important to me to rebel, to remind myself who I really was, not to completely lose myself in the suit he made for me.
Do you see the absurdity? He did exactly what my mom blamed herself for doing, he was the one to give me life, he was the one who insisted on having me, but then he strangled me and took the joy and freedom out of it, he was the umbilical cord that nourished me and strangled me, he paralyzed me, a paralysis you can’t see on the outside but I can feel on the inside.
Because of him I did a lot of stupid things, because he wanted, expected, asked, demanded or whatever you want to call it. He wanted me to get married, he wanted a beautiful European woman to decorate his son’s side while walking in the hallways of high society, I have no idea why I gave in and did it, but I got married for him, maybe I hoped he’d finally love me, or just get off my back, but it was a mistake on so many levels that I can’t seem to stop finding new ones every day.
Lena was an innocent victim that fell into my tangled web. I don’t think she really believed for a second that what we had between us really fit the concept of love, not that I have any idea what love is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not what we had between us. I didn’t lie to her about it for a second, but I promised her a comfortable satisfying life and I couldn’t even giver her that!” Dan stopped talking, and just looked blankly down to his feet.
“By what I saw in the house, and by the little you told me, it seems like you spoiled her to no end,” Tom tried comforting him and pointing the good that was there.
“Materially, yes, I drowned her with money because I thought it’d be enough for her and that she wouldn’t demand of me what I couldn't really give her, and that is warmth and love and passion.
To be honest, I underestimated her thinking that money was everything she needed in life, she tried making do with it, relentlessly shop
ping, but she suffered and it ate away at me, witnessing her daily pain, she wanted passion and I couldn’t give it to her, she wanted a child and I wouldn’t give her one. The truth is, Texas, that I was a shitty husband, and I’m happy for her that she got rid of me, no less than I’m happy I got rid of her.”
“Why wasn’t there passion?” asked Tom
“It’s complicated and I don’t have a simple answer for you. I don’t know. This triangle of love, friendship and sex packed into one person, never made sense to me.
People believe they can find all of their intellectual, social and sexual needs in one person. I really don’t think that’s possible. I know hundreds of people and even if I would make them into one person, there wouldn’t be enough to create one entity to fulfill and satisfy me, if it even existed. I know it might sound arrogant, but it’s just the opposite! Sometimes I feel emotionally crippled; I look at the people around me and I can’t understand how they’re doing it. I think I will never experience that kind of connection,” he sadly summed up.
“Dan, ‘never’ is a very long time, you tend to complicate amazingly simple things. You try to put together a fictional being that maybe, if it existed, would sweep you off your feet, but the truth is very simple: you don’t understand what love is because you’ve never experienced it, and one day when it happens to you, you’ll look into a pair of eyes that will be your everything, eyes that will be more important to you than yourself, and maybe then you’ll understand.”
“I don’t believe it will happen if it hasn’t happened in thirty-four years.”
“You also didn’t believe you’d grow a wisdom tooth in your old age and the facts are pounding in your gums!”
“What is true, though,” continued Tom, “Is that it won’t happen to you before you understand what’s standing in your way and clear the path, and then you’ll learn to like yourself, it’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love himself, almost impossible.”