by Limor Moyal
Tom stopped for a second and looked Dan in the eyes, “I want to tell you something that might upset you, but I feel like someone needs to tell you!”
“Shoot!” ordered Dan, but deep in his heart he was afraid that Tom’s words would punch him in the stomach, and so he tightened his muscles. His confession and Tom’s insight which followed, left him exposed and vulnerable.
“Your dad died years ago, Lena is out of the picture, you have what every man could ask for: You're hot and sexy, independent, rich and single and you're miserable like a Siamese cat in the rain.
Forgive me for saying that, but I think it’s time for you to get your head out of your ass and understand what your problem really is!” said Tom.
“Yeah, master Yoda? And what’s my problem exactly?” asked Dan with sarcasm hiding a painful ‘stab’ from the truth Tom’s words.
“It’s very simple Dan, he died two years ago, this excuse is irrelevant, and now when he’s not here, you can’t blame him anymore. You have nobody to blame but yourself, it’s you who’s putting yourself in this position, it’s you who chooses to look at old fading scars instead of all the beauty around them, insisting on making your life miserable. He died two years ago Dan, but you got divorced only recently! You can’t blame it on him Dan, it’s you!
So instead of dwelling on who’s to blame for your life’s shit, maybe you should think how to stop dwelling on the past and start living in the future. Maybe you should stop being afraid of whatever it is that scares you and look the monster right in the eyes!”
They looked at each other, in the moonlight, Tom’s eyes glimmered like two hidden golden coins, he had a look full of pain and apology, but determination as well. Dan looked at him and couldn’t say a word, or breathe, or move.
He felt wetness on his cheek and Tom put out a thumb and wiped a single tear that rolled down, “Tears are good Dan, they’re a good start,” Tom said gently.
Dan rubbed his eyes, shocked and embarrassed, and felt vulnerable in front of this soldier who touched his heart.
“And then what, after the tears dry up and the morning comes? Then what, Tom?”
“I don’t know, Dan. Only you can find answers to the questions you haven’t yet asked. But I can tell you what we’re doing tomorrow morning: We’re going to see Adam, your brother.”
“What? Why? What’s there to see? We’re talking about a person who can’t talk, can’t hear and can barely see. He doesn’t recognize anybody and doesn’t know anything, it’s not that this visit will benefit him in any way!”
“We’re not going for him, we’re going for you. He’s your brother, your blood, and he won’t live forever and I think you need to see him and I’ll be there with you.”
Dan thought about it for a moment, not once did he want to go and see Adam, he felt that he needed to, but he always dismissed the idea thinking that Adam wouldn’t even know he was there anyway, but if Tom went with him, he could do it, he wouldn't be alone facing the demons of his past, his fears, and his memories.
The next day, he would go and see Adam.
“You’re driving, Texas, it’s next to Magshimim junction!”
9 Chariots on the highway
Dan got into bed when they got back home. The pill and the beer were travelling in his veins, and the dizzy sensation joined his jarring experience with Tom on the beach.
He felt lost, but also free. He felt an end, but a little bit of a beginning. He felt sorrow, but a little joy. He was tired, he was exhausted, he was drunk and he fell asleep, but it wasn’t really a deep sleep, it was more of a middle ground. The twilight zone between drunkenness and sleeping.
He dreamt of Ayalon highway, the highway in which he knew every bend and every stone. The highway on which he’d spent more hours in traffic jams than he could count.
He was on Ayalon, night surrounded him, but the road was jammed despite the late hour. In the cars around him were faceless drivers. Their heads looking forward, towards an unclear point on the horizon, without looking aside, and he wasn’t sitting in his Jeep, he was sitting in a big open chariot, harnessed to four white stamping horses.
Tom was sitting in front of him, holding the reins, his wide back facing him. He turned his head towards Dan, “Ready?” he asked, and Dan nodded without knowing what he’s ready for exactly, but it didn’t matter, because it was Tom, and he felt that Tom knew where to take him, that Tom knows the way, the way to free him from this traffic holding him, down there, in Ayalon.
Tom whipped the horses and suddenly they spread pairs of hidden wings and took off into the night’s air with the chariot following them.
He heard the horse’s neighing, and the smell of the urban dust, and an autumn’s wind hit his face and he flew.
And beneath him was Ayalon. The city lights were getting farther and farther away, and he was soaring above them. Racing above the traffic, above the city, above the sorrow, leaving them behind.
He leaned back, to the back of the seat, closed his eyes and gave himself to the night and to the air washing his face and his body. He gave a final look and saw Tom turning to him and sending him a smile.
He fell into a deep sleep.
10 A Man, Within Himself Resides
From the outside, the building looked like a boutique hotel. Something between a big villa and a modern castle, fronted by natural stone and vines. The impressive structure was surrounded by a beautiful nurtured garden filled with flowers and a few fruit trees.
All this beauty held a lot of pain and vulnerability. In the corner of his eye, Dan saw an old lady, sitting hunched in a wheelchair, staring at the building’s wall and drooling. A nurse came over and cleaned her mouth and chin, and a feeling of sorrow and anxiety overtook Dan as he realized how close he was to seeing Adam. They went inside the lobby, a lovely nurse manning the reception desk welcomed them, “Good morning, how can I help you?”
“My name is Dan Green, I talked to you over the phone about Adam Greenberg.”
“Ohh yes, Dan, you’re Adam’s brother!” she warmly smiled at him, “We’re glad you’re here. Adam hasn’t had visitors for almost six months now.”
Dan was surprised, he didn’t understand who would visit him at all, after their dad passed away, “Who visits him?”
“Flora, the stepmother, was here a few months ago, lovely woman. And he got a visit from this family friend about a year ago,” she tried remembering his name, and because she couldn’t remember, she clicked a few quick clicks in the computer in front of her, “There it is, a guy named Gideon Schwartz, do you know him?”
He felt terrible, two near strangers came to visit Adam, for no reason he could understand, and he, Adam’s only family member, hadn’t visited him for almost six years. He was embarrassed, he was mad at himself, and at the same time he noted to himself in the back of his mind to call Flora and Gideon. Two people who were turning out to be ones that he wanted to make a more important and meaningful part of his life.
A different nurse walked them over to Adam’s room. They went up a few flights of stairs, passed by open doors, closed doors, and Dan could feel his pulse rising. The anxiety climbing. The excitement, the pain, the sorrow, anticipation and even a little satisfaction of being there. Too little too late, but he was there.
The room was relatively fancy. Unlike rooms in public institutions, this was a real room. It felt spacious, fresh, and clean. Accessorized with only the necessary furniture, but rich with different clinical tools. Adam sat in a wheelchair, not far from the open window.
“I'll leave you two with him, call me if you need anything.” The nurse left and closed the door behind her.
Dan looked into a pair of blue eyes, identical to his own. He could have been looking in a mirror.
And like in the mirror in which he saw his eyes dim every time he looked at himself, the eyes he saw in front of him at that moment were so similar. An empty space behind two blue oceans.
He gently stroked Adam’s roughened cheek. A day old stubble deco
rated his face, and some of the whiskered shined with the whiteness of old age.
Old age bristles on the face of a baby, he thought.
The empty eyes smiled. Not for him, but in general. Adam enjoyed the hand’s touch, and Dan imagined to himself how little he was being touched, a touch of affection, not a touch of feeding, shaving or cleaning up.
He put his other hand on Adam’s left cheek and covered up his face with his palms. Adam smiled even more, enjoying and drawn into the touch, yearning to feel someone, something.
Dan came closer and put his forehead against Adam’s, smelling him for the first time. A slightly sour smell of a body and breath, a smell of someone else, but familiar. He felt his brother for the first time, felt his warm cheeks, hugged his scrawny, tired body. Suddenly it hit him so hard that he struggled to breathe.
For the first time in his life, he felt like he had a brother.
He couldn’t have stopped the tears that were choking him, and he couldn’t find a good reason to try.
The few stray tears turned into a flood of sorrow that wet both their faces.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry you’re stuck in this place, stuck in a wheelchair, stuck in yourself, stuck in the hell that is you.
I'm sorry that I can’t help you live. I'm sorry she died. I'm sorry I didn’t come to see you, I'm an idiot, I'm a coward, I'm a shitty person, I'm sorry!”
He didn’t imagine even for a moment that meeting Adam would be such an emotional storm. He didn’t realize how much love and compassion he felt for the man until the moment he stood there in front of him, but the moment he touched and smelled and felt, a dam was breached. A dam of pain, of longing, of yearning, and the tears that were pooling for years behind those blue eyes, burst in an eruption of sorrow and pain.
Tom stood still in the corner of the room, giving Dan space, and trying to choke back the tears, and push away his private demons that threatened to show themselves. He had come for Dan, and Dan needed him to be strong, and he would be strong.
He collected himself, and waited for the right moment to come into the bubble of privacy that had formed before his eyes.
Dan knew he was there. He needed this support, to know that Tom was behind him. He was surprised to find out that Tom’s presence didn’t make him embarrassed or withdrawn, but let him be free. Tom had become a true friend that enabled him to be free of himself. And he found that when he was next to him, he didn’t fear being weak, or vulnerable, or exposed. The fact that this was the second time he’d cried in the last twenty-four hours, didn’t escape him. He knew there was no alternative. He knew it was inevitable, and he knew it was necessary as part of the process of ‘not standing in your own way’ as Tom defined it. He also knew it was Tom who’d made it happen.
It wasn’t that Tom didn’t judge him, he did, harshly even. He also wasn’t too shy to say it out loud, but it came from caring, worry, and affection.
Tom wanted to help him. It wasn’t criticism, or patronage, or self-serving, like many of the important people in Dan’s life. It was true care and a will to help Dan improve his life.
Neveh Yahav was a nursing home for severe cases like Adam’s. It was a private luxurious institution, which allowed those who could afford it to hide their secrets comfortably, and sleep peacefully with a cellophane wrapped conscience, while the ‘problem’ was being taken care of in the best manner that money could buy.
Dr. Greenberg had bought a place in the institution early on in Adam’s life, when they were notified that Adam was a severe and hopeless case. He paid a fortune to ensure that Adam would be taken care of there until the day he died, and wouldn’t be dependent on other’s grace. Not that there was anybody but Dan, and Dan was never there.
His dad never took him to see Adam, Dan had also never wondered why. It was easier for him not to deal with it. His father had always gone to visit Adam alone.
The doctor would go visit Adam a few times a year. The occasions were chosen by his anger level and his discontent with Dan. Every time they fought, argued, or when he was disappointed, again in his rebellious son, Adam got a visit.
Dan thought about it and another wave of tears flowed from his eyes.
“I don’t know if you can hear, see, or understand me, Adam. But I'm sure you can feel, so feel this,” he took Adam’s palms and placed them on his wet face, Adam gaze was empty as always but suddenly something changed. His expression became serious, and Dan recognized a passing pain in his eyes. At least that’s what he thought he saw.
“I won’t leave you like this again, I swear to you I promise to come and touch you, stroke you, and let you feel that you’re not alone in the darkness.”
Dan stood up and put his hands through Adam’s black hair. Even there, flickered a few white hairs. He touched his cheeks again, and then his shoulders. He tried letting the touch speak for itself, and he believed it was working, because Adam smiled again and even let out a moan. Dan felt an unexpected satisfaction at the sight of his brother’s smile. This smile, he thought in his heart, was the most significant thing he’d done recently. So simple. A touch, a body meeting another, to tell it something. He knew how to shake stranger’s hands in order to know them, he knew a sexual touch with women, which brought them satisfaction, but never had he known the ability to touch and simply feel deep love for a close person. For a moment he felt something like light penetrating him.
Tom quietly approached Dan and handed him a tissue. Dan stood with his back against him, blew his nose, and wiped his tears, then he felt a pair of strong arms grabbing him from behind, and a strong, firm body leaning against him. He leaned backwards against Tom and closed his eyes for a moment, “Thank you for bringing me here, Tom. You couldn’t have given me a bigger gift than this one.”
Tom put his lips close to Dan’s ear and whispered, “It’s you that gave me a gift, Dan, to witness what happened here, it’s a moment I'll never forget, I admire you.”
Even though this hug was out of the ordinary as far as two men hugging goes, Dan found he was not bothered by it at all. If anything, it felt natural and right to him. There was nothing sexual about Tom’s touch, but there was warmth and care in it. There was a true want to hold and comfort.
The nurse that walked into the room made them both jump to attention.
“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn’t mean to barge in on you,” she smiled and blushed, Dan understood how it looked to a bystander, that she was looking at a couple of men in an intimate moment, that she thought that he and Tom were a couple. To his surprise, not only did it not bother him, but he was proud.
“It’s okay, you’re not barging in, we were just ending the visit, this may be the first time you’re meeting me, but after today I promise it won’t be the last. I promise to come again. He needs touch, he needs to know he’s not alone.”
She gave him a look full of compassion, “I'm very happy to hear that. We do our best to give patients the optimal care, to give them maximum comfort in the state that they’re in, but nothing that’s being done can compare to a family member’s love, and I'm happy to find out that Adam’s not alone in this world.”
“Do you think he can understand something, see something, hear something?” asked Dan.
“Supposedly no, according to his diagnosis, his neurological damage is so deep that he can’t understand anything, and it’s not clear if the senses are working and being translated by the brain, or if they work at all. I'm talking about seeing and hearing. His eyes are responding to light, but the impression is that the signals aren’t translated in his brain. However, my opinion is that we don’t really know what they experience. We only know the output, which is very limited. Regarding the input, your guess is as good as mine,” she summed up while still smiling, and this time towards Adam, and Dan saw all of her goodness reflected in that look.
It was comforting for him to know that the right people were staffing this institution. Given his knowledge of the medical field, that was not always the case.
11 Secrets in Gvulot Street
“It takes you a long time to get ready, Texas. Lena was quicker than you!” Dan shouted towards the upper floor.
“I'm not naturally beautiful like you, Dan. My beauty requires effort and an eye for detail!” Tom shouted back.
When he finally came down the stairs, he looked like a movie-star in some racing big screen film. Dan appreciated the effort and understood why it took so long.
He looked perfect, and the smell of the cologne washed the entire upper floor. Dan, who was already familiar with the smell, took a deep breath.
“So where are you taking me?”
Tom promised him a mysterious night, and Dan waited breathlessly to see what the plan was.
“There’s a secret bar, not far from Neveh Tzedek, in a little unknown street, I think its name is Gvulot. Anyway, this bar is secret because it’s not advertised anywhere. It’s just word of mouth. And because Israelis love secrets, word of mouth is the best marketing there is. Which means it’s packed.” Tom took the Jeep keys and started walking toward the door, continuing with the explanation, “What’s special about it, other than the cheap drinks, is the music. Every Thursday night, there’s a ‘Young bands marathon’. Tonight specifically, there’s a cover band I love. They do amazing covers of rock legends like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, and if you catch them on a good day, you get an awesome Leonard Cohen. And before you ask, Grandpa, no, they don’t do Paul Anka or Tom Jones,” summed up Tom with a smile and a wink.
Dan rolled his eyes over the last comment, “It’s not a gay bar, right?”
“No. It’s mixed, like a bar should be. And besides, we established already that I'm not taking you to a gay bar, unless you ask, and I don’t remember you asking.”
Gvulot street was ugly and scary, and Dan couldn’t figure out, where in this alley, which looked like a set for a murder scene, a bar could be hidden.