SUSHI for ONE?

by Camy Tang

  “Hey boys! That’s not nice.” Bobby glared at his sons, but otherwise didn’t stop shoveling salt-and-pepper shrimp into his mouth.

  Lex scrubbed at the mess, but the slimy sauces refused to transfer from her dress onto the polyester napkin, instead clinging to the blue silk like mucus. Oh man, disgustamundo. Lex’s stomach gurgled.

  Why was every other part of her athlete’s body strong except for her stomach?

  She needed to clean herself up. Lex wrestled herself out of the chair and bumped an older man sitting behind her. “Sorry.” The violent motion made the nausea swell, then recede. Don’t be silly. Stop being a wimp. But her already sensitive stomach had dropped the call with her head.

  Breathe. In. Out. No, not through your nose. Don’t look at that boy’s drippy nose. Turn away from the drooling baby.

  She needed fresh air in her face. She didn’t care how rude it was, she was leaving now.

  “There you are, Lex.”

  What in the world was Grandma doing at the far end of the restaurant? This was supposed to be a safe haven. Why would Grandma take a rare venture from the other side where the “more important” family members sat?

  “My goodness, Lex! What happened to you?”

  “I sat next to Bobby’s kids.”

  Grandma’s powdered face scrunched into a grimace. “Here, let me go to the restroom with you.” The bright eyes strayed again to the mess on the front of her dress. She gasped.

  Oh, no, what else? “What is it?” Lex asked.

  “You never wear nice clothes. You always wear that hideous black thing.”

  “We’ve already been over this — ”

  “I never noticed that you have no bosom. No wonder you can’t get a guy.”

  Lex’s jaw felt like a loose hinge. The breath stuck in her chest until she forced a painful cough. “Grandma! ”

  Out of the corner of her eye, Lex could see heads swivel. Grandma’s voice carried better than a soccer commentator at the World Cup.

  Grandma bent closer to peer at Lex’s chest. Lex jumped backward, but the chair behind her wouldn’t let her move very far.

  Grandma straightened with a frighteningly excited look on her face. “I know what I’ll do.”

  God, now would be a good time for a waiter to brain her with a serving platter.

  Grandmother gave a gleeful smile and clapped her hands. “Yes, it’s perfect. I’ll pay for breast implants for you!”

  TWO

  Grandma did not just bellow “breast implants” in the middle of the Red Egg and Ginger party.

  Lex’s heart stopped for a long, painful moment, then started again at NASCAR speed. Her hands shook and tightened as if they were clenched around a vibrating steering wheel. Except she could never steer Grandma. Pity.

  Lex drew a deep breath, fortifying herself for battle. “Grandma, we are going to discuss this somewhere else.”

  The glow in Grandma’s eyes sharpened to sparks. “Why? It’s obvious you can’t get a boy with salt shakers like those.”

  Salt shakers?

  She had that “Let Grandma fix everything” expression on her face. Her gaze settled lower. “What are you? Double-A? No problem. You know my friend Mrs. Fang? Her second husband . . .”

  Grandma. Outside. Now. Lex toyed with the wonderful daydream of bodily nabbing her and carting her outside so she could strangle her there.

  Back to reality — she couldn’t manhandle her grandmother, especially since the old woman looked so deceptively delicate.

  Lex needed reinforcements. Grandma’s yelling should have brought Lex’s cousins. Where was the cavalry?

  There, several tables away, chatting amongst themselves while Lex was in mortal danger. Trish’s body faced Lex’s direction, although she cast flirty side-glances at some waiter. Lex lifted her hand and waved.

  “Lex, stop flinging your hand around and pay attention,” Grandma scolded her. “Now, I think Mrs. Fang brought her husband today.”

  “But my dress . . .” The congealing sauce made a chilly circle over her breastbone.

  “He’s not going to examine you right here.” Grandma’s reasonable tone belied the diabolically psychotic mind behind her stubborn, kohl-lined eyes.

  Lex cast a desperate glance at Trish and flung both arms high in the air — or at least as far as the tight sheath dress would let her —slapping the chin of a middle-aged relative who had just gotten up from his chair. “Oops, sorry.”

  At last, Trish saw her.

  About time! Lex stretched her eyes wide in a “Need help here!” message, while jerking her head in Grandma’s direction.

  Trish’s expression morphed from curiosity to horror in milliseconds. She nudged Venus and Jennifer, then hurled herself over the crammed chairs in her desperation to reach her cousin. Venus followed with more grace. Jennifer trailed her like a shadow, eyes bigger than char siu baos.

  “Grandma!” Trish squealed with false cheer.

  Grandma scowled at Trish. “What?”

  Stumped, Trish’s exuberance flash-froze. “Uh . . .”

  Uh oh. Apparently Grandma still hadn’t forgiven Trish for bringing that punk rocker to their cousin’s baby shower last month and letting a two-year-old play with his belly button ring.

  “Hi, Grandma.” Venus inserted herself between Trish and Grandma’s annoyed glare. “We need to talk with Lex.”

  “No, I’m talking to her first. You’re so impatient. Come on, Lex, we’re going to see Mr. Fang.”

  “Grandma, I don’t want breast implants.” Lex had a hard time hissing through clenched teeth.

  Trish’s eyes went from concerned to DEFCON 5. Venus rolled hers. Jennifer’s face paled.

  Grandma’s eyes grew steely like her Chinese cleaver. “That’s ridiculous. No man wants a woman as flat as an ironing board.”

  “Grandma!” Trish’s squeak cut through the noise of the people eating.

  “Grandma, I need your help.” Jennifer’s soft voice cooled the tension like a fire blanket. “Mom’s trying to pick out new kitchen curtains. Could you look at some color swatches I have in my car?”

  Grandma’s bulldog expression melted into her sweet Miss Marple facade. “Oh, certainly, dear.”

  Lex watched in disbelief as Jennifer led Grandma through the crowd toward the door. Grandma limped a little — Lex remembered she’d been favoring her right hip earlier.

  “Close your mouth.” Venus nudged Lex’s shoulder as she turned to follow. “And don’t even think of abandoning us to face Grandma in the parking lot.”

  “Yeah, she hasn’t forgotten about you.” Trish grabbed Lex’s arm in a manacle grip and tugged her after Venus.

  Lex felt like Marie Antoinette as she wove between the tables, past the stares of her relatives and family friends. The guillotine had many similarities to Grandma in a completely illogical mood.

  She joined the cousins at Jennifer’s car.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Grandma.” Jenn straightened from rummaging in her car trunk. “I guess I forgot the swatches at work. I had to hurry to get to the party on time.”

  Oops, wrong thing for Jenn to say. Grandma flicked a sharp look at Lex through narrowed eyes and patted Jennifer’s hand. “At least you were on time.”

  Oh, good gravy. “I’m sorry, Grandma. I already told you I was playing volleyball — ”

  “You spend too much time playing. Aunty May says you can’t find a boyfriend because you’ve been whacked in the head with a volleyball too many times.”

  Reminder to self: Get Aunty May a muzzle.

  “And your father says you’re home every night. Why aren’t you dating?”

  Greeeat. Grandma even used Lex’s dad to spy on her. Lex only needed to save a little more for a down payment on a condo, and then she’d be out of Dad’s house, pronto. “I’m not home every night. I have practice with my girls’ volleyball team every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” Grandma didn’t need to know that practice ended in the late afternoon and that she playe
d adult leagues three nights a week too.

  “That girls’ team is taking up too much of your time.”

  “I just don’t like dating. What’s so wrong with that?”

  “Are you lesbian?”

  “Graaandmaaa! ” Screeched in unison by Trish, Venus, and Jennifer, the word had twelve syllables.

  “No, Grandma. I’m Christian.” Have been the last twenty times you complained that I wasn’t at Buddhist temple.

  Grandma shrugged. “What’s wrong? Half my friends have homosexual children.”

  Trish bit her lip. “Well, Lex, this is the San Francisco Bay Area . . .”

  “See?” Grandma drew herself up. “You can’t blame me for wondering. Now, what’s so bad about getting more bosom?”

  “The subject of my bra size is closed. Closed, Grandma!”

  Grandma pinched her mouth closed and flared her nostrils. Her brown eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re missing my point. You never bring anyone with you to family functions.”

  “Fine. I’ll bring a guy to the next family thing.”

  Grandma’s eyes narrowed. “No, that’s too easy. You’ll just ask one of your volleyball friends.”

  Lex couldn’t win. “Well, then, what do you want?”

  As soon as the words came out, she knew they were the wrong thing to say. Grandma smiled a Maneki welcoming-cat grin. “I want you to have a boyfriend by Mariko’s wedding.”

  “The end of May? That’s only four months away.”

  Trish leaned in close to hum in Lex’s ear. “You can’t hurry love . . . ” Lex jabbed an elbow in Trish’s squishy side and elicited a soft squeal.

  Grandma heard her. “Who’s hurrying? You four are already thirty — ”

  “Not all of us.” Venus’s cheeks burned Hello-Kitty pink.

  Grandma shrugged. “You and Jennifer are only a few months behind these two. Close enough.”

  Lex crossed her arms. “You can’t make me get a boyfriend in four months.”

  Grandma’s expression sharpened. “I’ll cut funding to your girls’ club volleyball team if you don’t.”

  The air sucked out of Lex’s lungs like a vacuum cleaner had attached itself to her gaping mouth. She gasped in a sharp breath that stung her throat. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Now you’re taking me seriously, aren’t you?”

  “You agreed to fund them throughout playoffs this summer.”

  “I didn’t sign a contract.”

  Ruthless. Cruella de Sakai. “Grandma, they’re only junior high girls.”

  “Well then, you’d better make sure they don’t lose funding.”

  “A boyfriend? You’d pull funding just for a boyfriend?” Lex’s voice started to take on a screeching edge.

  “If that’s the only way I can make you listen to me.” Grandma turned to walk back into the restaurant, but then she turned on an Italian leather sole to peer at Lex, one eyebrow raised. “And he better be a boyfriend, not a casual friend or a one-time date. None of your chummy volleyball buddies.” The back of her silk suit fell arrow-straight as she marched away.

  Lex sagged against the car. Trish collapsed next to her. Jennifer stood wringing her hands, while Venus shifted onto one foot and shoved a hand onto her hip.

  Suddenly, the door opened from the car next to Jennifer’s Toyota.

  Their cousin Mimi popped her head over the top of the car, eyes wide, swinging her signature calf-length ponytail.

  “Whoa! Was she serious?”

  THREE

  Trish bristled. Lex slammed her arm across Trish’s ribcage to keep her in place. Mimi wasn’t exactly Lex’s favorite person either, but she didn’t feel like breaking up another catfight between the two of them.

  “You were there the entire time?” Trish’s voice came out only a decimal softer than a roar.

  Mimi lifted a delicate shoulder in a careless gesture. “It’s not as if I had time to announce my presence when you dragged Grandma out here.”

  “More like you’d rather avoid Grandma entirely.” Venus’s lip curled in a faint sneer.

  “Sure, if she’s going to go loco and issue ultimatums like that.” Mimi fluttered a tiny hand in the direction of the restaurant. She paused, eyes narrowing as she stared at the ornately carved doors. “I better go protect myself.”

  For some reason, that sounded ominous.

  Mimi sashayed away, her teeny four-foot-eight-and-three-quarter-inch body swaying with all the enviable perkiness of a twenty-two-year-old.

  Stop it. Lex mentally slapped herself. “Thirty isn’t old, no matter what Grandma says.”

  Venus arched a delicate eyebrow at her. “It doesn’t matter. When Mariko gets married, you’ll be the next Oldest Single Female Cousin.”

  The OSFC, unofficial family title. Rah, rah. “Why now? I mean, she’s always nagged, but never like this.”

  Trish threw up her hands. “Because Mariko’s been OSFC for seven years. Grandma had her to nag until she got engaged.”

  Venus snorted. “Why do you think the wedding is so fast?”

  Lex scratched her head. “I thought she was prego.”

  Trish and Venus groaned. Jennifer bit her lip, turning her smile into a V-shape.

  Venus stared at Lex with a thoughtful gleam in those disgustingly elegant eyes. “Why don’t you agree to get implants? Maybe then Grandma will forget about the ultimatum.”

  “No way! She’ll tell everyone.”

  Jennifer’s brow wrinkled. “But . . . you’ve never cared before what people thought about you.”

  “I’ve never had them staring at my chest before.”

  Venus lifted a slim shoulder. “Is it really that bad to add a little padding?”

  Lex glared at her. “Get behind thee, 34-C.”

  She sniffed. “I wasn’t always a 34-C.”

  “Yeah, and your sudden blossoming into gorgeous womanhood didn’t make you a more pleasant person.”

  Jennifer gasped, but Venus and Trish just laughed.

  “So then, why don’t you listen to me?” Venus’s perfect oval face radiated calm reasonability. “I was so fat, I didn’t even care about my chest size. That stomach virus was the best thing that happened to me. I found I had womanly curves under all that weight. I didn’t have to shop for special-sized bras anymore. And when I could finally fit into a 34-C, I felt better about myself.”

  That really wasn’t helping, considering the fact Lex still hadn’t moved out of training bras. “Yeah, well, your losing weight at twenty-five is not the same as my undergoing surgery at thirty.” She crossed her arms. “Besides, getting implants would violate our Pact.”

  Venus also crossed her arms. “No, it wouldn’t.”

  “We vowed that when we fell under the OSFC title, we wouldn’t act as desperate as Mariko did. Implants are desperate, don’t you think?”

  “Wait a minute.” Jennifer glanced at each of them. “I thought we vowed to give our dating lives up to God.”

  Lex thought a second. “Uh . . . that too.” Wasn’t she already doing that? She had no problem waiting around for God to bring the perfect man into her life. The thought of intimacy with any guy still freaked her out a little, even after eight years. She’d get over it eventually, right? And until then, she didn’t have to date.

  Well, until today. . .

  “I thought we wanted to make the point that we’re not ashamed to be single.” Jennifer took a deep breath and stiffened her spine. “We have a higher priority than marriage and children.”

  “Well, then . . .” Lex frowned. “Grandma’s ultimatum violates the Pact. I can’t fail my girls’ volleyball team — they have a good chance at playoffs. I can’t exactly wait around and leave my dating life up to God if I have to be non-single in four months.”

  Jennifer’s brow furrowed and she opened her mouth, but Venus jumped in. “Oh, come on. We all know you. You’re not going to just cave into Grandma’s demands.”

  “Well . . .” Lex kicked at a rock. “I have been thinki
ng I might be able to find someone else to sponsor the team — ”

  “See? You’ll find some way to work around Grandma’s ultimatum.”

  “And it’s not just Lex.” Jenn glanced around at all of them. “We should reestablish our Pact, especially now with Grandma being so insistent.”

  Lex nodded. “We are not Barbie dolls for Grandma to play around with.”

  Jenn’s eyes shone with firm resolve. “We’ll give our dating lives up to God.”

  “And we’ll promise not to date desperately just because we come under the OSFC label and Grandma’s fire.” Venus propped a hand on her slender hip.

  Lex could do that — she wouldn’t date desperately anyway. She’d have to get up the courage to date at all.

  “Pact?” Venus stuck out her hand, palm up.

  “Pact.” Lex slapped her hand down. Jennifer laid hers on top.

  “Trish?” Venus lifted an eyebrow.

  “Yeah, yeah.” Trish joined them.

  They broke.

  Trish turned away quickly, but Jenn had kilowatts of righteous purity shining from her gentle smile.

  Lex flicked her glance away. Jenn always made her feel like such a bad Christian.

  “I’m going home. I’ve got to clean up — oh, no. I forgot my purse inside.” She pressed her lips together. She inwardly cringed at the thought of walking back inside the restaurant to face the stares from everyone who’d heard Grandma lambasting her lack of cleavage.

  “I left my things too. I’ll walk inside with you.” Trish’s expression radiated sympathy.

  “No need. I grabbed them.” Jennifer reached down where she’d laid Trish’s bulky hobo, Venus’s Prada, and Lex’s backpack.

  “Thanks, Jenn.” Thank goodness for Jenn’s usual foresight. Lex felt a twinge of guilt for being resentful of Jenn’s spiritual maturity earlier.

  “See you guys.” Jennifer got into her own car, while Venus left to find hers.

  Trish walked with Lex toward her aging Honda.

  “Bye.” Trish gave a little wave.

  Lex paused before climbing in. “See you at church?” Trish had been missing church a lot lately.

  “Uh . . . sure. See ya.” Trish nipped into her sporty RAV4 that was parked next to Lex’s car.