I hear someone suck in a sharp breath and snap my head up to find Matthew at my open door. Within a matter of seconds, I watch all the emotions flit across his face and I can’t turn away from it—surprise, hurt, anger, resignation, determination. Without a word to me, he turns on his heel and goes back the way he came.
Fuck.
The rest of my conversation with Jimmy is a blur; I’m more concerned about searching for Matthew than actually paying attention. As I end the call, I’m already halfway out of my bedroom, listening closely to everything for a hint of where he might be. The house sounds empty. Tom and Tyler are playing outside, and I’m coming to the conclusion that Matthew has decided to leave the house again. His temper tantrums clearly haven’t changed. I learned early on that when he’s upset he’s far more likely to disappear for a few hours than he is to face the problem head on. He needs a chance to clear his mind and find a way to deal with it that doesn’t involve biting off the heads of everybody around him. There is no doubt in my mind that this is what he’s doing now.
Suddenly, I’m the one who wants to bite off somebody’s head and my target is standing outside behind my son, pushing him on a swing. I stroll out into the backyard, feeling annoyance bubbling just below the surface. Both Tom and Tyler smile and beckon me over, and once I’m close enough, I see Tom’s face fall. He knows I’m pissed and I’d venture to guess that he knows why. When Tyler runs off to climb a tree, Tom turns towards me reluctantly.
“Why the hell did you call my brother?” I say quietly, trying to keep my voice even.
Tom shifts on his feet. “He’s been calling me all week, Samantha. I was supposed to help him with a shipment this weekend and I forgot to tell him I wouldn’t be there.”
“Okay,” I say with strained patience. “So why did you tell him we were with Matt? I know you’re fully aware of how Jimmy feels about him!” He opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off. “Do you not understand the trouble we’re in right now? The last thing I want to deal with is my brother getting protective and pissed off because I happen to be sharing a house with someone he despises.”
“I’m sorry,” Tom grits out. “I wasn’t aware I’m not allowed to communicate with friends. I didn’t tell him what’s going on, Samantha, but I’m not going to fucking lie to him.”
I roll my eyes. “Nothing changes with you, does it? You still take every opportunity to run Matt down to anyone who will commiserate with you. I know you and Matt will never be friends, but I thought you were starting to get what it is he’s trying to do for us. Now I’m wondering if you did at all or if you’re just pretending because you don’t want me angry.” I’m being unfair and I know it. Unfortunately for Tom, I can’t stop it right now.
“You’re right,” Tom snaps. “I don’t like him. I do appreciate what he’s doing for us, especially after what he told us a few nights ago, but I can’t help but think he’s trying to push his way between us again, trying to get close to you and get me out of the way. Is he who you want? The man that kicked his wife and son out and ceased all communication for five fucking years? I was there to pick you up off the ground once and get you back to something resembling normal function, but I don’t know if I can do that again. More than anything, I hate seeing you upset and I’ll admit I spent the last five years thinking about what I would do when and if I ever saw Young again. I might have agreed to his little truce for your sake, but I’m never going to stop hating him for what he put you through.”
All I can do is stare at him. His feelings towards Matthew are my fault. For five years, I let him believe the very worst about my ex-husband, knowing Tom was looking for any reason to hate him even more for taking me away from my home. “You need to get over it,” I tell him shakily. “He’s not trying to push us apart, Tom. Hell, if anything, he’s supportive of our relationship.” Grudgingly, my mind adds. “He knows our marriage ended, he knows what my future is, and he’s doing everything he can to make sure we can live quietly and peacefully without worrying. So just suck it up until this is over.” I actually glance over my shoulder to check whether Matthew is lingering at a door again. “After this, I don’t see any hope of him being in our lives again, so I think you’ll get your wish.”
For a moment, I think I’ve placated Tom; in the next, he’s searching my eyes and I see his own hardening, probably as he realizes I’m not as content with never seeing Matthew again as he. His expression hardening, he stands up straighter. “Am I always going to be second best? Your second choice?” he whispers, closing enough of the distance between us that we’re practically nose-to-nose. “I’m sick of this, Samantha. I need you to be all in with our relationship or it’s never going to work.” He turns away suddenly, heading for the front door.
“Where are you going?” I ask urgently, worried that he’s walking out of my life altogether.
He pauses, his hand lingering on the doorknob for a moment before gripping it tightly. “I just need to clear my head,” he tells me almost apologetically. Without another word, he’s out the door and I’m left feeling as though I’ve alienated two of the three most important men in my life.
-------------o-------------
The change in Tom after his excursion is shocking. Where before he was surly and brooding and snapping at anyone who looked in his direction, now he’s almost cheerful. I’m trying not to read too much into it, preferring to simply believe having time to himself is what made all the difference. He had time to work out all this thoughts and emotions in his own way.
It’s not until I hear something break upstairs in the area I know to be Matthew’s home office followed promptly by several loud curses and stomping footsteps heading towards the staircase that my unease returns. Glancing at Tom, I catch the widening of his eyes and the paling of his skin, and I get the impression he’s nervous about something. In the next second, however, his shoulders are squared and a look of defiance appears on his face.
Oh no, I groan inwardly. What happened?
A moment later, I’m about to find out when Matthew stalks into the room looking positively livid. And it’s all directed at Tom. I have a second to send Tyler, who’s looking at Tom in confusion at losing his playmate, out the door to play before Matthew’s temper explodes.
“What the fuck did you do?” he shouts at Tom. Only Leo’s arrival to the room in time to grab Matthew’s arm keeps him for attacking Tom.
I stand nervously from the floor where Tom and I had been playing with my son. “Matt, what’s going on?” I ask tentatively. Tom stands up beside me, possibly preparing himself for a battle.
Matthew keeps his glare trained on Tom, his face white with a fury I’ve only ever seen once. “It seems somebody can’t keep their fucking mouth shut,” he sneers. “One fucking scotch and he sings like a fucking canary. Do you have any idea what you did?”
I look up at Tom, expecting him to be just as confused as I currently am, but whatever happened, Tom knows exactly why Matthew is so angry. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tom lies in a mutter. I close my eyes in horror. Matthew could sense a liar five miles away, even if he didn’t have knowledge to prove a lie.
“Really?” Matthew says in a deceptively calm voice. That tone is one of his most dangerous. “So you didn’t go into a bar and start blabbing to the first sympathetic ear you came across? You didn’t tell that sympathetic ear you were in town because of your ‘fiancée’s’,” he even uses the sarcastic finger quotes, “ex-husband? I’m not exactly unknown around here, Saunders. People know exactly who I am, what I do, and how I do it. Most of them are good people who know how to keep a secret and don’t hesitate to warn others when people—specifically simple-minded farm boys and foreign terrorists start yapping their jaws at the local bar!”
My eyes widen and I stare at Tom in disbelief. Who the hell was he talking to? His face pales considerably at Matthew’s words.
“Yeah, that fucker who bought you a drink is one of the fuckers trying to get their hands
on Samantha and Tyler. And now you’ve told him exactly where to find them, your trouble just fucking tripled.”
Tom snaps. “Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?” he demands loudly.
“Oh, I don’t know!” Matthew begins sarcastically. “Maybe from the heavy foreign accent? That’s usually a dead giveaway!”
“Matt?” I whisper, unable to keep the fear out of my voice. If I wasn’t frozen where I stand, I’d be rushing to grab my son from outside. Or at least realize Leo had gone out to keep Tyler occupied.
Matthew apparently just now realized I’m still in the room and turns his gaze to me, his eyes softening slightly and apologetic. “We’re handling it,” he tells me in a wavering voice, “but I think the damage has been done.” He turns back to Tom in disgust. “Get out of my house. You’ve got a flight back to Omaha in two hours and you’d better be on that fucking plane. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“What about Samantha?” Tom asks immediately, trying not to seem intimidated by Matthew.
“Unlike you, I’m still willing to protect her. And Tyler. I knew you’d be a challenge, Saunders, but you’ve exceeded expectations.”
Tom’s jaw tenses as he turns to me. “Are you coming?” he demands.
I stare between the two men, knowing whatever I say or do next will impact the lives of me and my son from here on out. In the time it takes me to form a response, Tom comes to his own conclusion and I see his reaction clearly in his eyes. Without a word, he stomps off past Matthew towards the stairs and we can clearly hear him slamming doors. I look at Matthew who seems to deflate under my gaze. “How bad is it?” I whisper.
His jaw tenses. “Pretty bad,” he says quietly. “Saunders told that fucker everything I’ve said or shown him. And I’m sorry it’s ending this way, but I can’t have him here risking everything when I’m trying to keep you safe.”
I nod. “I understand,” I say. “I’m going to go talk to him.”
As I pass him, I expect Matthew to stop me, but he doesn’t; in fact, my confusion only peaks when he takes a step to the side to avoid coming into contact with me. I reach the guestroom trying to rein in my emotions, the inexplicable hurt I have at Matthew and the totally explicable anger and betrayal I have towards Tom. The man himself is standing over the bed, furiously stuffing his clothing into a duffel bag. His shoulders tense when I enter and close the door, but he doesn’t stop what he’s doing as I lean against it, watching him silently.
Finally, he turns towards me, his eyebrows rising as he waits for me to start yelling at him. I have no intention of raising my voice. “Did you?” I ask quietly.
He sighs, sitting down on the edge of the bed. That’s more than an answer than anything he could give me verbally.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I ask him desperately. “Matt and Leo have both told us over and over not to talk to anybody, that we don’t know how far this thing has reached, and you go into one bar and start blabbing about everything?”
“Samantha, don’t you realize what’s going on here?” he demands, running his hands through his hair as he stands. “Young is blowing this whole thing out of proportion. He’s doing it to get back into your life! Now he’s driving me away so he’s got a clear shot.”
I stare at Tom in disbelief, my feelings slightly hurt. “Fuck you, Tom,” I whisper, shaking my head. “You always believed the worst about Matt and you have no idea the lengths he’s gone to in order to keep us safe. And despite all the hostility between the two of you, when he could have easily left you in Omaha, he’s doing everything he can to keep you just as safe. Is this really how you repay him? By blabbing about what’s going on?”
Tom’s mouth twists in anger. “I want an answer,” he fumes. “Now.”
My brow furrows in confusion, until I realize what he’s referring to. I sigh. “I thought we agreed that we’d wait until this was over?” I ask warily.
“Well, it’s over for me,” he retorts. “So what is it, Samantha? Are you going to stay here with Young until he kicks you out again, or are you going to come home, marry me, and let us be a family?”
I shake my head at him. “Tom, don’t do this right now.”
“Which is it, Samantha?” he says stubbornly.
I know immediately what my answer is and I think Tom does as well. Without either of us saying a word, I know I’ve unintentionally broken his heart. He looks at me desperately, begging me to change my mind. Shaking, I cross the room, his eyes following my every move, and reach into a dresser drawer for the ring box I’ve been carrying with me since the night Tom proposed over a year ago. Resigned to what is about to happen, I hand the box to him, unable to look him in the eye. His breath catches in his chest and for a moment, I think he’s going to reject the ring, but with shaking fingers, he reaches out for it, the tips grazing my palm. I fight to feel something for him, digging deep. There’s nothing. He’ll always be my friend. I’ll always love him. But we both know I’ll never be in love with him and it’s not fair to pretend when it will only hurt us down the line.
Letting out a shuddering breath, Tom carefully places the ring box into his bag, making sure to keep it padded and safe during travel, then stands. With his bag zipped, and for what I know will be the last time, he turns to me, reaching out a hand to cup my cheek. Tears streaming down my face at the thought of losing him completely, I let him kiss me, our lips moving slowly as though he’s trying to engrain the feeling in his mind for the rest of his life.
“I should go,” he says quietly, pulling away from me, “before Young comes up to drag me out.”
I nod, allowing him to take my hand as we head down the stairs to the door. Neither Matthew nor Tyler is anywhere to be seen, so we head outside where Leo is waiting beside the car. “Be safe,” I tell Tom quietly, wrapping my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.
“You too,” he whispers into my hair. “Tell Tyler goodbye for me?” I nod into his chest. “I love you, Samantha. That will never change. Please know that.”
Again, I nod. “I do.”
With one final smile, Tom heads down the stairs to get into the passenger seat of Leo’s SUV, and I watch with mixed emotions as they leave the driveway. Of course I’m sad to see Tom go. He’s been a huge part of my life for five years. He provided for Tyler and me, kept us happy as we could be, and for the most part, we never wanted for anything if he could provide it. This, though, was something I never would have believed of Tom. For him to risk the safety of me and Tyler... It’s unforgivable, but at the same time, almost understandable. What he wanted from me seemed simple enough, but I couldn’t give him that, and I always knew it. I think deep down, he did too. I can’t help but think this was his way of trying to make me his, even if the way he went about it was far from intelligent.
I’m miserable as the evening goes on. Tyler sticks to my side like glue as we eat dinner together, then watch television until it’s his bedtime. Naturally I’m distracted by thoughts of Tom: what possessed him to do what he did; where he is currently; how he is feeling. Those thoughts lead to more selfish ones: what would happen to Tyler and me once the threat was lifted. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I wouldn’t be returning to Omaha, to Tom. I suppose I could take Tyler somewhere completely new to both of us. California has always held an appeal to me... I wonder briefly about staying in New York, somewhere close to Matthew so he could have easy access to his son whenever he wants it. I’m not certain whether I could stand being so close and yet so far to him, though. Things between us have changed, and not necessarily for the better. I’d have to be blind and stupid not to notice how tense things are between us. He’s closed himself off to me in a way I didn’t know was even possible.
As I’m getting ready to tell Tyler it’s bedtime, I look behind me to find Matthew standing at the bottom of the basement staircase, watching me with a cold, determined expression in his eyes. “We need to talk,” he says quietly, his tone giving away nothing of what he might be thinking
.
Hesitating, I try to force a smile on my face for Tyler’s benefit and leave him to continue watching his cartoons before joining Matthew at the stairs. Without a word, he turns and leads me through the house to his office, closing the door behind him.
“I need to know something,” he says abruptly. “And please, Samantha, don’t lie to me.”
I flinch at his use of my full name. It’s something he rarely called me, and I hate that he’s doing it now. “Okay,” I say in a small voice, my mind in a whirlwind to figure out what he might ask.
Taking a deep breath and looking as though this is the very last thing he wants to talk to me about—ever—he finally meets my gaze and I nearly buckle at the hurt and sadness in his eyes. “Did you tell Saunders that the reason we split up is because I kicked out you and Tyler?”
Oh. Fuck. I could feign not having heard him to give myself more time to come up with an answer or I could try to deny it altogether, but he asked me—begged me—not to lie to him. “I didn’t tell him that,” I say honestly, my entire body shaking.
“But you didn’t tell him that theory was wrong?” he asks. My lack of response is enough answer for him. His eyes widen. “What the fuck, Sam! You couldn’t tell him the truth, that I gave you a fucking choice and you made the decision to leave? No fucking wonder he hates me!’
“Matt, I’m sorry!” I say loudly, my voice cracking. “I didn’t know what else to do. Letting him believe that was easier on me than the truth.”
“Why’s that?” he challenges. “Because the truth makes it your fault that we broke up? Your fault that I haven’t seen my son in five years? Your fucking fault that I lost the two best things that ever happened to me?” He fists his hands in his hair. “Christ, Sam!” His own voice cracks. “I realize I gave you the choice to stay or go, but I honestly didn’t think, not even for a second, that you’d choose the one that involved leaving me! You fucking broke me by walking out the door and I thought that with time I could get over you. I knew the entire time you went to Saunders and I really hoped you were happy, that he was taking good care of you. Even hearing updates from Claire about you and how she tried skating over the details of how sad you seemed, I convinced myself that the best thing for you and Tyler was being with Tom Saunders in Omaha, Nebraska. And I hated him. More than anything, I hated him. Then I found out he’d proposed to you, but you hadn’t actually given him an answer. I felt something light up in me that I haven’t felt for years, but I never let myself even consider you were still mine or still in love with me.
Young Lies (Young Series) Page 12