There’s still no sign of Samantha. I’m desperate to know where she is. Why isn’t she here with Claire and Leo? Has something happened to her? Is she just so heartbroken that she couldn’t face all of this?
At the end of the service, I prepare to make my escape, but something keeps me rooted on the spot. Leo lingers at my photo and changing my vantage point slightly, I see there’s a small plaque in the ground, and I wonder what it says. An expression I can’t quite identify passes his face before he turns away and joins my family leaving the grounds.
Again, for some reason I can’t define, my body is telling me to stay exactly where I am and this suddenly seems to have been a very bad idea. All I’ve accomplished is watching my family’s heart breaking and a bunch of ass-kissing douchebags pretending to mourn my loss. My death will have made a lot of people very rich and the contracts my company has in their possession will be sold off to the highest bidder. That’s how this business works. You get one day to be remembered, then your entire legacy blows away in the wind like you never existed. I’ve seen it happen. And despite knowing none of this is real, that it’s all for show, it’s not going to stop the vultures from trying to take over.
All my thoughts come to a sudden and complete halt when I see a familiar shape crossing the grass. My heart leaps at the first sight of Samantha in days. She’s wearing a black dress and—I smile slightly—my jacket. Reaching my photo and the plaque, she glances over her shoulder nervously as though she’s worried about being followed or watched. Well, she is being watched, but her gaze is in the wrong direction. Every muscle in my body tenses, wanting to burst out of the trees and run towards her, and wipe away the tears that I know are streaming down her face. It takes a herculean effort, but I manage to stay where I am.
In a lucky break, the wind changes direction as she begins to speak.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I hear faintly. “You were supposed to come back and we were supposed to talk and decide what we wanted from each other. I was supposed to tell you you’re everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I’ll ever want from here on out. You were supposed to tell me the same, then we were supposed to fall into bed and not surface for two days. It was supposed to be every single romantic cliché from beginning to end.” Her breath catches and I hate knowing she’s hurting. “You fucked that up, though, didn’t you? Because you’re too Goddamn stubborn to just let something go. Because everything has to be done on your terms or not at all.”
I move out of the trees slightly, needing to be closer to her without revealing myself. Glancing all around, it seems the cemetery grounds have been abandoned completely, so I head out and take cover behind a shrub. From here, I can clearly see the stress and exhaustion on her face, the bloodshot eyes, the stains of tear streaks down her cheeks. I take back what I said about how I most regret hurting Leo in all this; seeing Samantha in this state... I deserve to die in a fiery crash.
She takes a shaky sigh and sits on the grass, wrapping my jacket more tightly around her as though she wishes my arms would take its place. Me too, baby...
“You know, when I first met you, I hated you with every fiber of my being,” she says quietly. I chuckle to myself; that much had been obvious. She smiles, shaking her head in memory. “You were arrogant and pretentious and entitled, and you seemed to think you could get whatever you wanted. And I had no idea how you could have possibly been interested in me when there were droves of women all over the world that wanted you and were probably more right for you.”
I scowl at her words. Nobody has ever been more right for me than Samantha Everett.
“You and Leo with your flashy sports car and expensive clothes and smug attitudes. I probably should have gotten you with the pepper spray that first night.” We share a chuckle and I watch as her smile slips from her face. “You were such a distraction to me after I met you. Everything I did, no matter who I was with, my thoughts drifted towards you. The day you came back to the diner... Part of me was pissed off and annoyed that you were so full of yourself that you thought I would just fall for you. Then I really was pissed off and annoyed when it actually worked,” she grumbles, wiping at her face. “I fell for you so hard so fast. You changed my entire world, Matt. You encouraged me to do things I’d given up on, like going to college and seeing the world. And the night you proposed...” Her breath comes out in a rush along with renewed tears, even though she’s still smiling. “I’d never been happier at that point. Our wedding. Finding out I was pregnant with Tyler and how incredibly happy you were despite all our discussions to wait a few years until I finished school and work calmed down for you.
“And you were such an incredible father. All the nights he kept us awake and you went and took care of him, knowing you had a full day of work ahead of you. I imagined us having this entire little army of kids, boys and girls, and I’d never imagined that sort of thing before you. I don’t want it with anyone else.
“Claire told me Tyler knows you’re his father. I should have told him myself and I’m so sorry I didn’t. I’ll never forgive myself for that. He should have known who you were from the moment you met. But I will tell him everything. I will never forget you and everything you did for me, Matt. And I will always cherish our last night together. It was supposed to be a new beginning for us. And I suppose I’ll be living with the supposed to have beens for a while.”
After another deep, shuddering breath, she stands in preparation to leave. The last thing I want is to watch her leave me again, but there’s no other option. At least not yet. She turns to the photo of me, shaking her head. “I probably should have been around to veto that,” she says wryly. “One of you lounging around on the couch would have been better.” Regardless she touches the photo as though it’s actually me standing in front of her. “I love you, Matthew. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that before you left. I hope you knew.”
I nod at her. “I do know, Sam,” I whisper, watching her retreat from me. “And I love you too. I’ll see you soon.” As soon as she disappears from my view, I head towards the back of the cemetery and hop the fence to get to my car. Before I return to my life, I have some very important business to take care of.
-------------o-------------
Sitting on one of the two full-size beds in this motel room, watching something on the cartoon channel that has less than no plot, but has captured Tyler’s attention completely, I’m barely aware of my surroundings. The decision to attend Matthew’s memorial had been spur of the moment. Not that I hadn’t wanted to go; just I hadn’t wanted to face Matthew’s family after the way I took off the other night. I couldn’t stay in Claire’s house, not knowing what everyone thought of me. Claire may have fiercely defended me, but that won’t change their opinions of my being a poor, small town, manipulating, gold-digging bitch who broke their brother’s heart and took his son away from him.
I stood on the edge of the cemetery grounds and kept my distance, watching the proceedings closely. I wanted to be with Claire and Leo, but I was terrified that Matthew’s sisters or father might start something and take the focus on the reason for us being there in the first place. Matthew deserved to at least have his memorial service be drama-free.
I’d waited until everyone had left before making my approach. The photo that had been chosen wouldn’t have been my first choice and I know if Matthew had been there, he would have groaned at the sight of it. At first I didn’t know what to say, only that I had to say something, so I did what I’d done whenever I visited my mother’s grave. I sat down and started talking, not bothering to filter my thoughts. I told him things I should have been saying to him since we were first reunited. Much to my surprise, it turned out to be incredibly therapeutic.
After getting out all my tears, bitterness, regret, and sadness, I returned to the motel where my sister Lily was with Tyler. She’d been out here visiting a friend I never knew existed and called me while I was still debating whether to attend the memorial. I’d told her w
hat happened, that Matthew had died and that I had no one to watch Tyler long enough for me to go pay my final respects. Within an hour she was knocking on the door and I had a babysitter. I never could have gone otherwise; there was no way I was subjecting Tyler to that. He is still trying to wrap his mind around the idea of death as a finality to life and that he’d never see Matthew again. I finally came clean about Matthew being his father, which of course he already knew, but I think it helped both of us a little to hear it out loud and in the open.
Tyler may only be six years old, but he’s much more aware of his surroundings than any little boy should ever be, and I’ve made it my goal to make sure he knows how much Matthew loved him, even if Matthew didn’t know him. And the fact that Tyler is still wearing that broken toy wristwatch tells me he understands much more than I want him to.
Every time I look at that damn thing I want to take it from him, throw it against the wall, and stomp on it until it’s in pieces and unrecognizable to anybody. After that phone call I got from Leo the day before the plane crash and the conversation we had in Claire’s kitchen, I know exactly why my son’s watch is broken. Part of me is pissed off at Matthew to the point of his actions being unforgivable while another part me knows his decision to do what he did couldn’t have been easy and I have to grudgingly admit it was a brilliant move. Because really, who would suspect something so important to be hidden in a child’s toy?
Still, if Matthew were here, I’d probably slap him for doing what he did, for putting our son in such danger.
As for what Tyler and I are going to do when we leave this motel, I’ve yet to decide. Tom sent me a text message this morning telling me that he heard about Matthew and he was sorry, and if I needed a place to stay until I figured out my next move, he had a couple guest bedrooms that were empty. I haven’t replied, though I don’t think he expected me to, and I know it wasn’t his intention to make me feel guilty, but I do. Even after hurting him the way I did by admitting I could never love him the way I loved Matthew, he’s still willing to help me when I need it. Not that I believe I could ever face him again.
There’s a knock on the motel room door and I blink back into reality. I glance at the clock, then at Tyler. “Pizza’s here,” I tell him, standing and grabbing the payment for our dinner. It’s arrived a little quicker than I expected, but I’m not going to complain; I’m starving. Though apparently I’m not moving quickly enough as the delivery person knocks again, this time a little more impatiently.
“I’m coming,” I call out, rolling my eyes as I wonder whether this person is trying to annoy me into giving him a smaller tip than I’d intended. I pull open the door. “HI, sorry. How much was it again?” I look up, expecting to see a pimple-faced teenager and instead feel my heart stop at the sight of Claire standing outside the door looking positively furious. “Claire.”
She raises an eyebrow in acknowledgment, but doesn’t reply.
“How’d you find me?” I ask in a whisper. Glancing over my shoulder, I find Tyler still captivated by his cartoons.
Claire snorts in disgust. “My big brother had a part in developing some very impressive tracking technology and my father made a career in military intelligence. Do you really think I wouldn’t have picked up a couple tricks from them?” she hisses, her own eyes darting into the room. “Unless you want your son to hear words no one under the age of eighteen should hear, you might want to step outside.”
It’s no surprise that I’m hesitant to close the door against my one witness that can testify against the woman who undoubtedly wants to murder me right now, but I pull the door shut, propping it open with my keycard. “I know you’re upset with me,” I begin quietly.
“Upset?” Claire says incredulously. “Sam, upset doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now. What the fuck were you thinking? Seriously! None of us knew what happened to you and Tyler. The only thing that kept me from calling the police and reporting you missing was Leo telling us he’d seen you on his way to dinner.”
I slump against the wall at her words. Lost in my determination to just get out that night, I hadn’t even considered the ramifications of my actions. I knew Claire would be concerned, but I thought she’d realize I just needed to be alone and know I’d call her when I could. “Claire, I am so sorry,” I tell her sincerely, shaking my head. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“Obviously,” she mutters under her breath before her expression softens considerably. “Sweetie, I know you’re hurting and I know this has to be devastating, but you need people around you to give you support. I can’t give you that if you keep running when things get to be too much.”
I shake my head again, this time straightening up. I need to explain. “That’s not why I left,” I say quietly. “Or at least not the only reason I left.” Claire’s brow furrowed in question and confusion. “Claire, I overheard you talking to Elizabeth and Holly. I was right outside the door and I heard everything they said about me. Call it selfish if you want, but I couldn’t come to dinner and face the accusatory glances. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t. And I didn’t want to expose Tyler to that either.”
Claire pales and backs up until she hits the railing. “You heard that?” she asks in horror and sympathy. “Fuck, Sam. I am so sorry. I had no idea you heard that. Those two are just bitter and resentful and jealous that you managed to find true love while they’re more interested in seeing their husbands climb the corporate ladder. I know it’s bullshit.”
I sigh, suddenly exhausted. “It’s not all bullshit, Claire,” I tell her. She freezes as though she didn’t quite hear my words clearly enough. “The part about your dad offering me a small fortune to leave Matt is true. But Claire, I didn’t accept it. I never would have done something like that.”
“When?” she whispers to me. “When did he do this?”
For five years I’ve kept this to myself, not wanting it to get back to Matthew and leave him thinking I accepted a bribe to end our marriage. Perhaps he wouldn’t have believed it at first, but at some point, he would start to wonder, and his memory of me would be forever tainted. “After the accident at Young Technologies,” I say, unable to look Claire in the eye. “When Matt was in the hospital fighting for his life. I hadn’t slept for days. You and Danny were watching Tyler for me while I waited for news. Your dad came into the waiting room and started telling me how it was my fault his son nearly died. If it hadn’t been for me, he’d have put all his focus into security and the bombers wouldn’t have gotten past the gate, let alone into the building. He told me for what had to be the hundredth time how wrong I was for Matt and that if I had any decency in me, I’d leave. He even tried to convince me to leave Tyler in Matt’s care, that Matt could give our son a better life than I ever could. That’s when he offered me the money and the promise that Tyler and I would never want for anything if I just let Matt live his life the way it was meant to be lived, with someone who deserves him. I told him to go fuck himself and shove his money up his ass, then went to see my husband.
“I never considered even for a second taking that money, Claire, no matter what your sisters think. I was with Matt because I loved him and he was my world, not because of what he could buy me.”
“I know, sweetie,” Claire says quietly. I look up and find her face a mixture of sadness and anger. “I know you wouldn’t have taken it. And I can’t tell you how proud I am you said all that to my dad. I probably would have said worse, gotten myself removed from his will.” We both crack small smiles that fade within seconds.
Letting out a shuddering breath, I stand to face my friend. “Even though I loved Matt and will continue to love him until my last, dying breath, I started to believe everything your dad was telling me about being undeserving of him. He said out loud every horrible thought I’ve had about my relationship with Matt and it took a toll on me. When Matt gave me the choice to leave with Tyler and be safe, I took that as a hint that he felt the same, even though I know he would never think
of me in that way.”
“Damn fucking right he’d never think of you that way,” Claire says fiercely. “Sam, that man fucking worshipped the ground you walk on and the air that you breathed. We’ve discussed this. You have to know that.”
“I know it now,” I tell her bitterly. “When it’s too fucking late to do anything about it.”
In one move, Claire closes the distance between us to embrace me. “I never would have thought you shallow enough to take a bribe to leave Matt, not even for a second. And I’ve told my sisters in no uncertain terms that if I ever hear them spewing that bullshit again, they’d have me to deal with.”
I crack a smile as she pulls away from me.
“Excuse me,” says a voice to my left. We look over and I almost laugh at the sight of the pizza delivery boy. “Did someone order pizza?”
“Yeah, that was me,” I say, reaching into my pocket for the money and handing it over to him. “All yours. Have a good night.”
He hands me the pizza, beams at the probably too high tip I’ve just given him, and heads back to his car. I turn back to Claire. “Hungry?” I ask.
She smirks. “Starving,” she answers. “Besides we’ve still got some talking to do.”
-------------o-------------
As we devour an extra large pizza, Claire and I manage to keep things light for my son’s benefit, though I know the moment he falls asleep, she and I will return to our conversation and further depress ourselves. Though I’m hoping she’ll drop the topic of her father and his blackmail attempt, I know my luck won’t stretch that far, so I try to drag out Tyler’s bedtime routine as long as possible while ignoring the look on Claire’s face that suggests she knows exactly what I’m up to and why.
“You think I haven’t realized Tyler resembles Matt in more than just looks?” she shoots at me as we watch Tyler fall asleep almost the moment his head is against the pillow and the blankets are tucked around him. “He used to fall asleep the same way when he was little. I could never do that and I was always a little jealous of him because of it.”
Young Lies (Young Series) Page 24