by Nika Lucas
Not that he could ever love me.
The thought hurts and for a second, I find it hard to swallow.
Mack leans forward and grabs Ben's forearm. "I'm serious. Don't mess with him unless you can take it. He's a friend, and he's a bastard. He's a love 'em and leave 'em guy. I don't want to see you hurt."
Ben's eyes twinkle. "So you're saying there's a chance."
I force a laugh to go along with everyone else. Jenna and Frank are eyeing each other, the alcohol loosening them up. Those two will end up in bed together. Why can't they just come out and admit they're in love? They don't have all of the complications that alphas and omegas have, they're free to find love however they want. Not that we omegas can't either, but damn, our chemistry certainly influences who we find attractive.
The crowd is still worked up after the show, and the noise level is higher than usual. The bar plays music from the jukebox now, and it's a poor substitute to the live music. My watch says it's almost one.
And then, cutting through the crowd toward our table, I see him. It's Trey. He can’t take more than a couple of steps before somebody stops him, tells him how great he is, or how much they enjoyed the show. He's polite, shaking hands and bumping fists. His long and shaggy dark hair hangs just past his broad shoulders. He has a cocky grin, the kind that says that he knows just how cool he is, and he's at home in this crowd.
I can't take my eyes off him. Step by step, conversation by conversation, he makes his way toward our table.
Benjamin elbows me. He's noticed too. "You got my back?" he asks.
I nod. This is the problem with running with another omega, the competition. Ben's a slut, a real man-whore, and that's tough to compete with when he's lusting after every alpha he meets.
And Ben is handsome, too. I don't know if he's more attractive than I am, but I don't compete. No one would want me anyway, not anymore. No matter how much I want to believe, to fantasize. He's my friend, and if this gives his life meaning, then so be it.
Finally, there is nobody else between him and us. His eyes meet mine, and suddenly I can't move. I freeze in my chair, unable to breathe.
My god, why does he have to be so beautiful?
Am I blushing? I fear I am. I pray that the bar is dim enough that he won’t notice.
Ben stands up, drawing Trey's attention.
"You were amazing," he says, seizing Trey's hand, "Hello, I'm Ben, and I'm your new biggest fan."
"Trey," the alpha musician replies. Did he just glance at me again? I can't tell.
It takes Trey a little to disengage from Ben. My friend shows little inclination to let him go.
"Mack," Trey says, "Good to see you, my friend. I wasn't sure if you were ever going to catch my show."
"I said I would, didn't I? And damn, you've gotten a lot better. Pull up a chair."
Trey steals a chair from another table and pulls in between Ben and me. I force myself to breathe, but then I find myself breathing too heavily, drawing in his sweaty, musky scent. His scent mixes with the alcohol in my veins, and I'm totally buzzed, both on booze and on him. His scent is a freaking drug.
He looks at me, turning slightly away from Ben, who is very intent on maintaining all of Trey's attention.
"Hey," Trey says to me, "What's your name?"
"Umm..." Suddenly I can't think. Cuh... Sorry, I'm Cal. Caleb. I think I've had a little too much to drink." I giggle, cough, and clear my throat.
Did I really just fucking giggle? God, I want somebody to shoot me.
He tilts his head, that cocky smile never slipping from his face. If he were to take my hand, use me for one night, I wouldn't argue. I swear I can smell his sex, and if he were to look down, he'd see my pants are cramping a major boner. I'm so turned on, I feel the seat of my pants getting soaked.
"Nice to meet you, Caleb." He extends a hand to shake and I offer a fist bump at the same time.
He changes to a fist bump and I open my fist for a handshake.
"Geez, I'm sorry," I say. The heat in my cheeks threatens to set me on fire, likely igniting the very atmosphere around me. I am seriously incapable of interacting with this man.
He keeps his hand a fist as I compensate, and somehow, we manage to fist bump. Which is good. I would be as pathetic as Ben if we were to shake hands. I don't think I have the control to let go of him.
"So," Mack says, stealing Trey's attention back, "You've seriously improved. Last time I heard you play, you were playing chord progressions and singing cover songs."
"Yeah, it's been awhile. You've got quite a pack now."
"Yes, they're a good group. these two love birds are Frank and Jenna."
"Oh, we're not together," Jenna says, and Frank nods.
""So they say," Mack laughs, "But you, you ever consider getting a band?"
Trey leans back in his chair. "Oh, hell yeah. but I'm not looking for just anyone. I haven't been looking that hard either, honestly. I've got a couple of guys that have approached me, a drummer at least that I might try. But you know, I enjoy doing the solo thing. At least for now."
While this conversation is going on, I'm still breathing way too heavily through my nose. His scent is intoxicating. I seriously feel stoned, and all because of him. Ben leans around him and mouths, He's so sexy!
And me? I can only nod.
Ben doesn’t expect me to betray his trust. I'm his wingman, after all. I've always supported him. He's my best friend. I've never betrayed him.
The only person I've been interested in that he wasn't was Andrew.
There's no way Trey can love me. He's too perfect, even if I wasn’t broken. If he gets to know me, he'll see just how damaged I am, how dirty. I've been used in ways he can't comprehend, and I'm still haunted by my choices.
I take a deep breath and turn back to my alcohol. I have to disengage my feelings from this man, before I make a terrible mistake. Before I hurt Ben. Before this man learns the real me.
Before I repulse him.
CHAPTER 4 – TREY
It is difficult to make conversation with Mack with this omega sitting next to me. He acts so shy, and when our eyes meet he turns so red. But I can't take my eyes off of him. Though he's drowning his scent in alcohol, I swear I can smell his sweetly delicious honey-omega scent.
But the other omega, Ben or whatever, his scent also keeps getting in the way. It's confusing. I've never smelled such a mess of scents before.
It's their sweat. They've been dancing, and their scents are all over each other. That, combined with the alcohol, hides their scents.
There's something about both of them. I watched them dance. They're teases, flirts.
This Ben, he is an open book. He’s attractive, and he'd be a fun companion for a night. He might be a little clingy, but I'm sure he'd be more accepting of me walking away afterward.
But, I don't think I'm interested in him at all.
But this other guy, Caleb, he's a completely different story. His eyes hold such pain, perhaps a hint of passion, that I find myself drawn to in inexplicable ways. I think, if I could only breathe his scent, I might actually go against my own code.
The longer I stay in a relationship, the more pain I'll eventually cause, the worse the break-up will be.
But those eyes… I just want to hold him. I want to hold him tight and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
And that is not me. I'm the guy that wants to fulfill my needs with flesh and cum. I would seduce him with my words, with poetry, and then listen to him poor his heart out.
Yes, I'm a bastard. But I'm not capable of acting any other way. I know, in my heart, that I am incapable of truly loving anyone. Heartache and heartbreak, those are my drugs, my own pain. I crave it.
I'm becoming jaded to love.
"Well," Mack says, finishing his drink, "We're going to get out of here. It's been good seeing you again, Trey. Let's not go so long before we cross paths again."
He stands, Frank and Jenna stand, but both Ben an
d Caleb linger.
Ben grins like a fool. He stares at Caleb and I wonder what the two of them are up to. Am I being tag-teamed? It wouldn't be the first time.
Mack catches their eyes. "You two staying?" he asks. His eyes squint like he thinks this would be a bad decision.
Get out of here, Mack, don’t cock-block me.
Ben immediately nods. "Yeah, I’m going to keep partying."
Caleb doesn't say anything. He doesn't smile. He's lost in thought, as though he's not part of the conversation, as though he's not sure anymore of where he is.
Seriously, what's up with this guy? Maybe it's a recent break-up? That would be understandable. I could be the rebound.
"I've got to go too," I say. I shake Ben's hand. He's still hopeful, but he shows signs that he understands that he's not going home with me.
I'm on the hunt now. I know who I want.
I turn to Caleb. He looks unsure, like we're going to go through the same uncomfortable ritual again of trying to decipher whether a hand shake or fist bump is coming. I keep my hand ready for a handshake, not giving him any other option. He can't see the business card I have palmed. It has my number on it.
He takes my hand, feels the card within it, and stares at me strangely. I smile and give the slightest of nods. I'm not here to create waves between him and his friend. This is between us.
His hand lingers within mine, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to pull away, either. He blinks, and I swear I can feel myself sinking into those eyes. It's a feeling I don't understand.
Yes, this omega could easily break my heart. I look forward to the challenge.
Finally, it's he who pulls away, and I find that I've forgotten to breathe. Somehow, he's stolen my breath. I walk away, not looking back, despite how badly I want to. I don't want to give any of them a sign that I'm the hunter, and I especially don't want to give away who is the prey.
That Ben, he'll run interference. My friend, Mack, if he suspects, he'll interfere as well, probably to protect his pack.
Caleb is somebody who needs protecting. That pain, it's so sweet, like his honey scent. Oh, that scent – I want to bury my face between his legs. I want to take his body and use him in every possible way I can.
I want to be used.
I want to know his pain.
Mack will probably hate me afterward, but that's okay. It's not like we're that good of friends, anyway. It's been years. I wonder if he's got any intentions on either of those men. It didn't appear so. How could he resist that sweet Caleb? I'd always thought he had just as much interest in the same type of omegas as me.
The crowd no longer hinders me as I make my way back toward the stage, back toward my gear. I'm going home alone tonight, and I'm okay with that. Sometimes the hunt takes a few days.
He'll call me. They always do. He'll be mine.
CHAPTER 5 – CALEB
I leave with Mack, though Ben and I have to hurry to catch up. Ben wraps his arm in mine and says, "I think we clicked. What do you think?"
I don't mention the card in my hand. I slip it into my pocket carefully, so as not to draw his attention to it.
I should throw it away, but something makes me hang on to it. I swear to myself though, that there's no way I'm going to call him. There's no way I'd give in. I don't know if I can handle intimacy, I don't know if that part of my spirit will ever heal.
"Yes," I say, "But he looks like a player. Like what Mack said."
" Oh yeah. I just want him to use me. I hear musicians are better lovers."
"No, man," Mack says, " Musicians are the only alphas with small dicks."
Ben roars with laughter. "No way. He has all the signs of a big cock. That fucker is a monster, and he's going to have a monster cock to go with him."
"I don't know," Mack says, "Remember, I used to know him. Really well."
"You're lying," Ben replies, "You better be lying."
I don't worry about the size of his dick, I worry about the chemistry. I worry that it might be something else besides the alcohol giving me interest. Mack hasn't told us much about this musical alpha, except that they used to be friends, and I can't help but wonder if there might have been some competition between the two of them.
Frank turns to Mack and says, "Hey, we're going to get out of here. We'll catch up with you guys later tomorrow."
Jenna waves, and the two of them disappear, back toward their homes, or maybe, just Frank's.
Chemistry – it couldn't have really been there. It's his sex appeal, it's watching him move around on the stage. It's from sitting next to him and smelling his musky sweat, and imagining...
I have got to stop thinking about him.
But the card in my pocket hints at other possibilities.
I can’t have another relationship. I carry the emotional and physical scars from Andrew that will never heal. I can hardly stand the thought of someone being intimate with me, not without being afraid.
And I can never hide his marks.
Suddenly the night seems so much darker, and I press closer to Ben and Mack.
As though they can protect me from the shadows.
Ben doesn't notice. He's still prattling on about Trey. Mack ignores him and puts his arm around my waist.
"You okay?" he asks.
I shiver, and not from the chilly Portland night. "Yeah, I'm good," I reply.
"Do you need anything? You want to crash at my place?"
I almost say yes. I’m sure he can tell that I really want to, that I need to.
But I'm a wolf shifter, and though I may be an omega, I can take care of myself. I can stand up to my nightmares.
Because I have to.
We separate, all going our own way.
Though we're a pack, we don't live together, unlike some shifters. We don't even live that close. We all have our own places, separate jobs... it's after all of the responsibilities of life that we get together. We're tight, like a close group of friends, and we have each other's backs. We have enough in common that we can all go out and have a good time.
I met Mack in college, four years ago, at PSU, where I was studying nursing. We never started out to be a pack, but one thing led to another, weekends in the Tillamook or Mt Hood National Forest, weekdays spending hours in coffee shops and book stores, and sometimes bars. He was already friends with Frank and Ben. Jenna joined only a few months ago.
I return to my small apartment, wishing not for the first time that we lived like some packs do, together, or having a lodge.
The shadows filling the long dark hallway leading to my home make me shiver, as though they have cold fingers capable of running along my flesh. I open my apartment door to more darkness, thicker and clingier.
I turn on every light. I chase the shadows away.
I didn’t nearly drink enough. Just talking to the musician reminds me of being in a relationship, and I know I'm not ready to launch into another anytime soon. I could have gone home with Mack, he would never try anything. He's supportive of our relationships, though he's never shown any interest in Ben or me, though there was a time when I could've seen us together.
I sit down on the edge of my bed, sliding upward until my back hits the back of the headboard.
I can't close my eyes. I can't stop shivering. My nights are nightmares.
The worst part is, I can almost sense Andrew out there, as if just by thinking about him he'll magically show up again.
And the worst part?
A part of me wants him back. I want his attention. Despite the pain, despite the nightmares, I crave him. And that scares me just as much.
I reach in my pocket and pull out his card. I hesitate over the numbers, but I can't bring myself to dial.
I do eventually sleep, if restlessly. A lover can't save me. My pack alpha can't either. I will never come to terms with my darkness.
CHAPTER 6 – TREY
It takes two nights for Caleb to call. I honestly had begun to believe I was wrong, that he wa
sn't interested. The number on my cell isn't one I know, and I pause, not quite sure if I should answer. But you never know. It could be anyone, it could be a gig.
"Hello?"
""Umm, hi. This is Caleb. I was with Mack the other night?"
"Hey, Caleb, how are you?"
"Umm... good. I'm sorry, this is a little weird for me..."
"Really? How so?" I keep from laughing. He sounds so shy, so unsure of himself. One wrong word and he'll slip away.
"I don't know. I haven't really been looking for a date, lately. I really enjoyed your show. I thought, since you gave me your number, you might like to hang out or something?"
I smile. He's asking me out on a date. My parents are old fashioned, they believe the alpha should do the asking. But in this day and age, it goes both ways. Besides, I did make the first move, slipping him the card.
"I would love to see you again. Are you available to go out tonight?"
"You don't have plans?"
"I do not," I reply, "Would you be inclined to join me for dinner tonight?"
"Yes."
"Excellent!"
I get his address, and when we hang up, I crash on my couch with my acoustic guitar. I often play with the electric, but when I'm alone in the privacy of my home, I appreciate the rich and full sound of this instrument. I've been working on a song for Caleb, about him, really, and those sad eyes. I have a hook, pretty much, and this won't be the main song I want. This is all fantasy. I'll get to know him better. I'm pretty sure this omega is capable of breaking my heart.
CHAPTER 7 - CALEB
He shows up around five thirty in an old Camaro. Somehow, this car fits him. It's dark gray, almost black, and if it could howl, it would be a symbolic metaphor for him. It certainly growls like a wolf.
I'm standing out on the sidewalk when he pulls up, and he's so devilishly handsome I have to suck on my bottom lip to keep from smiling. After all, I don't want him to know I like him too much.