by Dianne Drake
“Back spasm again?” Neil said, as he rushed to her side and helped her down into an upholstered chair.
“Something like that,” she mumbled. “Can I just go home?”
“I think you should give the chair a try first.”
“It’s been a long day, and I’m really tired.” True, but she also wanted time to think. Alone.
“Five minutes. It if doesn’t make you feel better in five minutes, I’ll take you home.”
This was the old Neil, the one she liked, the one she counted on. The one she wanted in ways she wasn’t willing to admit to herself. It scared her being with him, and she should have insisted on leaving, but so much of her did want five minutes more because who knew when she’d ever get another five minutes with him? “Five minutes then I’m gone.”
“Gabrielle, you look exhausted, and I’m worried about you. Right now, I’m the doctor. OK? And this doctor is prescribing some rest and relaxation before you do anything. Anything. So for once just cooperate.”
She wanted to, but she and Neil both knew that would be a mistake. “There’s nothing to worry about, Neil. I’m fine.”
“You sure couldn’t say that twenty minutes ago, could you?”
“Spasms are…spasms. In most cases they’re nothing.”
“Except an indication you’re pushing yourself too much.”
“So what are you going to do, fire me?”
“I probably should, but I still do believe that you’re the best judge of whether or not you’re able to work, and I’m not going to back away from that. At least, for now.”
“Just show me the chair, OK? That’s why you brought me here, so let’s get it over with. It’s supposed to rain tonight and I want to get back to my cabin before it starts.”
“Well, now that you’re being so cooperative…” he said facetiously.
He showed her to the den where his mother’s miracle chair was sitting, showed her the controls and left her alone. The room was nearly dark, and that was just fine with her. With the mood she was in, she really didn’t want any light shining on it.
Admittedly, the deep, warm massage from the chair, once it was adjusted to settings she liked, was wonderful. Maybe not as good as actual fingers…as Neil’s fingers…but she found herself drifting off, in part because she was relaxing even when she didn’t want to, and in part because the soothing hum was lulling her into another world. It was a peaceful world where she didn’t have so many problems. “We may have to get a chair like this,” she said to Bryce, as her eyelids drooped. Then she whispered, “Five minutes more,” and a contented sigh escaped her lips.
“Gabrielle?”
He had such a nice voice. The nicest voice she’d ever heard.
“Gabrielle, wake up.”
She didn’t want to. Not yet.
“The chair recommends thirty minutes only, so I’ve turned it off.”
But she didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to open her eyes.
“Gabrielle?”
She snuggled down more in the chair, and sighed contentedly. “Five more minutes,” she murmured.
“Five more minutes,” he said, putting a blanket over her. But this time he didn’t leave the room.
This time he sat down in an easy chair in a dark corner on the far side of the room and simply watched her for the next hour, after which she finally did wake up for real.
“Neil?” she whispered in the dark.
“Over here,” he said.
“How long was I asleep?
“About an hour and a half.”
“And you watched me the whole time?” That did make her feel odd. Not angry. Maybe a little flattered.
“Not the whole time. Just for a little while. You talk to him in your sleep…to Bryce. I heard you murmur his name a couple of times. I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I like the way you talk to him.”
“We’re connected. He’s part of me, and it would seem so odd not talking to him. To me he’s always been another person. Besides, studies show that babies in the womb do hear…you know, recognize their mother’s voice. It makes our connection even closer, I think.”
“I think he’s a lucky little boy, having you for his mother.”
The natural thing here would have been to ask Neil if he wanted to be involved in Bryce’s life. But she couldn’t do that, for she feared his answer would bring a screeching halt to a very nice evening, and a very nice moment between them. She wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t in a hurry to get back to where they’d been before this evening had started. “You know, your mother has good taste in massage chairs. I think I’m going to have to buy one of these myself.”
“And put it where, Gabrielle?”
His question caught her off guard. “What do you mean by that?”
“What I mean is, where will you put your chair? Here, in White Elk, or somewhere else?”
The former ache to her neck snapped right back as her muscles stiffened. “Where do you want me to put it, Neil?”
“To be honest, I don’t know. I’ve been sitting here thinking about that. Wondering if we could continue a relationship, given the circumstances. Wondering if it would work out if you stayed.”
The same things she’d been wondering for days, but hearing him say it hurt. Maybe somewhere, deep down, she’d hoped he would ask her to stay here. It didn’t even have to come with a commitment to be friends or anything else. Just hearing that he wanted her here would have been nice, and now that he’d finally voiced his skepticism, she realized she wasn’t prepared to hear it. Wasn’t prepared to deal with it.
“I need to leave,” she said stiffly, as she pushed herself out of the chair. “I hear the rain and I want to get back to my cabin before it starts to pour.”
“You’re welcome to use the guest room. There’s no reason for you to go outside and get soaked.”
“Sure there is. I don’t want to stay here.” She didn’t want to sound angry, didn’t want to sound hurt, but she could hear all of it slipping into her voice. And she could feel the untempered emotions slipping down, trying to suffocate her. It was time to get out of there, time to get away from Neil.
Time to figure out what she was going to do. No more putting it off.
“Before you leave, how about something to eat? I’ll go fix you something, as I’m assuming that you haven’t eaten yet.”
“What is it with you?” she snapped. “One minute you’re telling me you don’t want me here in White Elk, and the next you’re trying to feed me.”
“That’s not right, Gabrielle. I never said I didn’t want you here in White Elk.”
“But you never said you did.”
“Because I was trying to be honest. I don’t know what I want.”
“Did it ever occur to you, Neil, that the decision has nothing to do with you? You know I could stay here, open up my own obstetrics practice independent of your hospital. And I think I have a solid enough base already to have a chance at a good practice, because a lot of people do want me to stay. They’re asking. Did you know that? There are people here in White Elk who want me here.” Harsh words, and she hadn’t meant to say them because, ultimately, she wouldn’t hurt Neil. She cared for him too much to do that. But right now she wanted some support from him, and all he was giving her was…honesty.
Honesty. Dear heaven, what was she doing, faulting Neil for being honest, when that’s what she’d wanted from him all along? Maybe she was saying these things because she was hurt that what he said in honesty wasn’t the honesty she’d wanted to hear from him.
“Neil, look. I…I wanted to tell you that…”
He shook his head, held up a hand to stop her. “There’s nothing to say right now that’s going to make it any better. I’m sorry it is what it is, Gabrielle, but I’m as entitled to my feelings as you are yours.”
“I want you to be involved in my son’s life, Neil. I’ve known that for a while. Maybe even before I knew you were his uncle.”
“And that’s the big
chasm, isn’t it? What you want, and what I don’t know if I can do.”
“I’ll call a cab, Neil,” she said, heading out of the den. She wasn’t sure if she wanted him coming after her, wasn’t sure that he would. But by the time she’d made it to the front door, alone, she was sure that Neil had made his choice. A choice by which she would abide. So she called a cab, then waited outside for it under the portico so she wouldn’t get wet. But after mere moments, Neil joined her, put a raincoat over her shoulders, put his arm around her shoulders. Held her close. And didn’t speak until the cab pulled up.
“Give me some time, Gabrielle,” he said as he helped her in. “This isn’t about you, or Bryce. It’s about me, and I have to figure out how I’m going to work through it.”
“I’ll give you whatever you need, Neil,” she said, then pulled the door shut. As the cab pulled away, she turned to see if he was watching her, and he was. He was standing in the driveway, in the rain, watching. And it made her heart lurch. Caused a lump to form in her throat.
Her dad had always said that the big moments in life made indelible impressions, even when you didn’t know that what you were experiencing was a big moment. He said those moments, though, would stay perfectly in the mind and in the heart so they could be replayed for an eternity. This was one of those moments. She was sure of it. Because this was the moment she knew, for sure, what she’d been trying to deny.
It had been two days since she’d talked to Neil, since she’d seen him, except in passing. Two miserable days full of rain and gloom. On top of that, she was drastically cutting back her work because it was time to do that. “Does it always rain like this during the spring?” she asked Eric. He’d just finished an emergency appendectomy, and now he was sitting in the emergency room lounge, feet propped up on the admitting desk, involved in a serious relationship with a can of soft drink. Two, actually. The one he was drinking and the one he would drink when he’d finished the first one.
“This is unusual. Normally we get the spring runoff from the melting snow, but the rain is pretty uncommon.”
She plopped down on one of the emergency beds, raised the head, and was perfectly happy to stay that way the rest of the day, if she could get away with it. Finally, she was pregnant-tired. Her patients talked of it, she knew it existed, but now it was her reality. She was ready to have this baby, ready to get her body back to normal. “Why two cans of drink?” she asked him.
“I don’t allow soft drinks at home. Try to keep things more healthy for the twins, so when I’m here I—”
“Sneak the drinks,” she said, laughing.
“What’s good for the dad isn’t necessarily good for the twins.”
“They’re amazing little girls, Eric. I’ve spent a little time with them when I’m visiting Janice.”
“Thank you. I’m a little biased, but I think they’re pretty amazing, considering the life they lead. Dad away all the time, being shifted from Laura to Debbi, and a few other ladies in town when the need arises.”
“But it’s about the quality of time, not the quantity. And the quality shows on the girls.” The way she hoped it would show on Bryce.
“Well, it wasn’t what I planned, being a single father. It’s not easy, but it works out.”
“I hope so,” she whispered. “I really hope so.”
“You OK, Gabby?” he asked.
“Tired. Grumpy. All the usual end-of-pregnancy complaints. Nothing serious, though.”
“Neil’s the one who’s grumpy around here. Compared to him you’re a sweetheart.”
“Well, I appreciate the compliment, but I’m trying hard to stay on my good behavior right now.”
Eric chuckled. “Have you figured out whether or not you want to stay? I know there’s a lot of sentiment to keep you here.”
“Thanks to your sister. I think Janice’s leading the campaign. But since you have another obstetrician coming in shortly…”
“Plans change, Gabby. We only have a temp coming in, no firm commitments yet from anyone who wants to stay. So if you want the position…”
“How does Neil feel about that? I mean, does he want me to stay?”
Eric shrugged. “He’s not objecting.”
That was a surprise, actually. It was also a little bit hopeful, but she wasn’t going to read anything into Eric’s interpretation of Neil not objecting, because that might not be the case at all. Maybe he wasn’t objecting outright because he wasn’t yet ready to tell Eric the reason he didn’t want her here in White Elk. “Well, I’m thinking about it. But I haven’t decided anything for sure yet.”
“But you haven’t decided against us, have you?”
“No,” she said. “I haven’t.” In truth, the decision would be Neil’s. But it wasn’t her place to say that to Eric. A deep sigh of discontent escaped her, and she shut her eyes for a moment.
“Maybe I should have a look at you, Gabby. I know that Neil had Walt come in a few days ago to check you, but since you’re getting so close to your due date…” Before she answered, he stood, and grabbed a blood-pressure off the table next to the exam table.
Automatically, she extended her arm while he wrapped the cuff around it. “The first eight months went so fast, but the last few weeks…”
He chuckled. “Just like the twins and Christmas. They’re fine for fifty weeks of the year, but those last two weeks…Hell for them, worse for me. You’ll find out.”
Her blood pressure was normal. So was everything else. “Any contractions yet?” he asked, as he put away the blood-pressure cuff.
“A few. False labor. Nothing serious.” Which was very common. Many women lived with occasional contractions for weeks, sometimes even months before they delivered.
“And you’re sure you’re up to seeing patients? Because we can spread out your duty between all of us.”
“As it is, everybody’s already taken over my routine patient load. I’m only following a few patients on a regular basis right now, and I’m fine with that.”
“Neil and I can take over.”
“And I’ll ask you when I need that. But I want to continue working. Right now, it’s only a few hours a week, but it makes me feel…useful. And to be honest, I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have anything at all to do. I’m not exactly the type who can be idle.”
“That’s what Neil keeps telling me.”
“He does?”
“Honestly, I’ve wanted to put you on leave, but Neil keeps saying you should be the judge of when you do that.”
It was such a simple thing, having Neil stand up for her. But it warmed her heart. “I won’t put the baby at risk,” she said, as Eric started to hook up the fetal monitor. But he was interrupted by a phone call, one where he didn’t say a word. When he clicked off, the frown on his face told Gabby that the news wasn’t good.
“An emergency coming in?” she asked.
“Not exactly. At least, not right away. But the levee up at the mouth of the valley isn’t holding well. They’ve got engineers up there right now, who are saying that the compromise could endanger the whole area because the breach, coupled with all the rain, and the snow runoff, puts them in imminent danger of flooding. I think we’re about to have to evacuate, Gabby.”
“The hospital?”
Eric shook his head. “Probably not. It’s built high. But White Elk would be in the way of a flood if that’s what happens. And the engineers are pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen. So, I’ve got to get home, make sure the twins are safe with my sister. Then I’ll come right back and start mobilizing a medical team to stand by. I’ll call Neil and let him know, but if I don’t get through…”
“I’ll tell him,” she said, sitting up. “You just go.”
She didn’t have to tell him again. Eric turned and ran out of the emergency department like a man possessed. He was. He was a man going to protect his children, and she knew exactly how that felt because nothing, but nothing, would stop her from protec
ting Bryce.
“You need to get out of here, Gabrielle,” he said, his voice calm. But calm wasn’t what he was feeling, not with Gabrielle still here. She needed to be safer. He had to make sure she was taken care of.
“But we’re short-staffed, with Eric gone.”
“And you’re not approved for emergency duty any longer.”
“Do you really think I’m going to do something to put my baby in jeopardy? I wouldn’t do that, Neil. But you do need another doctor here for a little while.”
Another doctor, yes. Gabrielle, no. The need to protect her from the flood was becoming so urgent it surprised him. Right now, getting Gabrielle to safety was all that mattered. “Just leave here,” Neil ordered. He fished through his pocket for a set of keys, then held them out to her. “Go to my house. I won’t be there because I do have to stay here, but it’s the highest spot in White Elk.” With his responsibilities, that was all he could do.
“I’ll be fine at my cabin.”
“See, that’s just it. You might be fine at your cabin, but you’d be better off at my house, and you’re just too damned stubborn to listen to me. So let me put it to you in a way you’ll listen—my house will be safer for Bryce than your cabin. And depending on how bad the flooding gets, you might be holed up there several days. So you tell me, Gabrielle. How well protected, and accommodated, do you want your baby to be?”
“That’s not fair,” she snapped, grabbing the keys from his hand. “You know I’d be perfectly fine at the cabin.”
“But you’d be even better at my house. More amenities, if nothing else. And Lester’s going to drive you. I’ll call him, and by the time you get to the parking lot he’ll be there waiting for you.”
She started to walk away, angry. But ten steps later she had a change of heart. Neil was only trying to take care of her. He’d thought of her safety before anything else, and here she was resisting him. She didn’t want to. But she was so afraid of giving in, because if she kept doing that—and giving in to Neil was the easiest thing to do—eventually it would rip her heart in two. Putting up the barriers the way she did didn’t get her any closer to him, but it didn’t drive her any further away either. And that’s all she was allowing herself to hope for right now, not to be driven any further away. So she spun around and drew in a deep breath. “Thank you,” she said. Simple words. But they brought a smile to Neil’s face. A beautiful smile that would sustain her.