And whatever that kind of comfort was, it had eluded her.
It was true—she'd never desired marriage—but who didn't want to experience real love at some time in their life if given the chance? Like anyone, she enjoyed a good romance movie from time to time. Thought the idea old-fashioned and idealistic; but nevertheless, something worth enjoying if one was lucky enough to get it. Perhaps she'd never sought it because she was afraid to find it didn't exist at all.
When she was young, she'd tried to get her father to love her—to show her some affection, spend time with her—any kind of indication that he cared about her. But he'd been too wrapped up with his own life, full of bitterness toward his wife. So when puberty and hormones kicked in, she realized she could seek a different kind of affection from other men instead. And as time passed, she determined to live her life independently—using men as they used her—so that she'd never end up with the short end of the stick.
But broken hearts come in many different forms. She knew that now.
Her heart was broken.
And it wasn't because of any man.
With another wave of nausea, Dakota pulled herself up and retrieved bath towel hanging on the back of the door, wrapping it around her body clumsily. She switched off the lamp on her nightstand and collapsed on the bed, pulling the duvet up over her body without bothering to remove the terrycloth towel from beneath.
She was asleep a moment later.
An exhausted slumber devoid of dreams.
***
Dakota reached the funeral home at nine-thirty.
Clarice, dressed in a prim black dress, was waiting for her at the front doors.
They entered the formal building arm in arm and spent the morning politely receiving the various guests who came by to pay their respects. Mona did not seem to have had many friends. Most of the visitors were casino buddies and nosy neighbors. Dakota recognized a couple of her mother's past boyfriends, including the latest one with the beard, but she made no attempt to converse with anyone. A nod and a faint smile were all she was willing to give. Most of the people avoided her anyway; likely not knowing who she was. They spoke in undertones amongst themselves, peered down at Mona for a minute or two, and left.
The room was rectangular with the casket against the long wall and a floral-patterned sofa against the far end of the room. An oval coffee table held a bouquet of flowers, a box of tissue and a candy dish of individually-wrapped mints. Dakota and Clarice sat side by side on the couch whenever the room was empty; Clarice being unable to stand for long periods of time. Dakota preferred to sit anyway. If she positioned herself just right behind the blooming bouquet on the table, she couldn't see her mother's hollow face.
Later, mid-evening, Dakota was pacing back and forth when a shuffle of footsteps sounded behind her. She turned to find Jason and Jaelynn standing just inside the entranceway, both of them dressed in formal attire. She blinked twice to focus and smoothed her skirt before approaching them.
“Hi.” She swallowed first and smiled.
Jaelynn stretched out a hand, touching Dakota's forearm. “I'm so sorry about your mother.”
She nodded and turned toward Jason, seeking the inner strength of his eyes. He gazed down at her quietly.
“Would you like to meet my mother?” she asked them, pursing her lips and nodding toward the casket. “Don't worry, you can't see anything.”
Mona's Cher-like hair, black and pin-straight, was combed down past her shoulders, looking like a wig against the aged skin of her cheeks and shoulders. Her face was bleached, eyes closed. At Dakota's request, they had applied only a faint lipstick and necessary foundation where needed to even-out blemishes. Though Mona normally wore gaudy makeup, Dakota didn't want her mother to be buried looking like a pantomime. Her hands were crossed over her midsection; the wounds on her inner forearms not even remotely visible. Several golden bracelets covered one wrist and the other a corsage. Her long nails, formerly magenta, had been painted a flesh tone.
Neither Jason or Jaelynn spoke and Dakota was grateful.
“It was kind of you to stop by,” she said as they stepped away from the coffin. “You didn't have to do that.”
Jaelynn tilted her head, smiling gently, searching Dakota's face. “But of course we did. That's what friends are for.”
Friends?
Did they really consider her to be a friend?
She looked at Jason as he nodded a greeting toward Clarice, still seated on the sofa.
They left a few minutes later and she returned to the couch, completely exhausted but touched that Jason and Jaelynn had cared enough to visit.
Chapter 19
The funeral came and went and Dakota was eager to have a semblance of normalcy back in her life. Jaelynn was to come to the flower shop Thursday morning for her first day of training. Dakota was surprised to find she was actually looking forward to it. She liked Jaelynn and wanted to get to know her.
The rest of the week passed quickly and Jaelynn proved to be both a fast and eager learner. Dakota enjoyed her company, despite their differences in philosophy. Tiffany, on the other hand, agreed with everything she had to say. They'd been friends for several years now but knew next to nothing about each other. When they talked, they didn't talk about anything overly personal either: their conversations centered around men, clothes, careers, and the like. But with Jaelynn, such topics seemed almost asinine.
Jason was a lot like Jaelynn but much more reserved, though possibly only in the attempt to keep Dakota at arm's length. He'd verbally expressed that he didn't want to date her, so she supposed it made sense that he'd keep his distance. The few times he had opened up, she'd found herself impressed with the depth of his person and wished he'd let her get to know him.
***
On Saturday, Jason finished the living room mural.
Dakota had hoped he would need another week or two, but come noon, she found the painting completely finished. It was beautiful and breathtaking but all she could think about was never seeing Jason again.
After tucking his things into the trunk of his Kia station wagon, Jason returned to the front entrance where she waited, watching, a hand on her jutting hip. She was about to launch into an eloquent speech of thanks and gratitude for a job well done, when he spoke first.
“Do you have any plans tonight?” he asked, a smile lighting his eyes.
“Plans?” She gave him a quizzical look, folding her arms and straightening her posture.
He grinned. “Yeah—as in, are you doing anything tonight or are you free?”
She slid her fingertips into the front pockets of her jeans. “No—no plans really. Nothing set in stone, anyway… ”
He rubbed the back of his neck, sunlight glinting in the gold of his hair. He dropped his hand to his side. “I'm having Mom and Jaelynn over for a barbecue tonight, and thought maybe you'd like to join us.”
She wanted to laugh out loud. At this point, he could've asked her to marry him and she would've said yes. She smiled and spoke in a soft tone, containing her excitement with well-practiced precision. “That sounds really nice. I'd love to.”
He jotted down some directions and was soon on his way. Dakota went inside sat staring at the mural for a very long time.
She couldn't believe he'd invited her to dinner. Of course, his mother and sister were going to be there, but this was something! Up until now, he'd been completely resistant to establishing any sort of relationship, even an innocuous friendship. Then again, he was smart enough to know that her definition of friendship was merely a means to an end.
***
Dakota pulled into Jason's driveway shortly after five o'clock. It had been easy to find.
Tall trees encasing the length of the driveway created a mosaic pattern of leaf shadows over the smooth earth of the driveway. Her breath caught in her throat as his house came into view. Unreal. It was a two-story pioneer home with a red tin roof, shiny in the afternoon sunlight, and matching red shutters o
n each of the symmetrical windows. A modern porch, its wood yet unweathered, filled the front expanse of the house. In the shadows of the roofed porch was a red door to the left of two windows.
Another car was parked behind Jason's. His family must've already arrived. With a breath of delight over the quaintness of his home and property, she climbed the wide steps up onto the porch and rapped on the door.
Earlier, she'd offered to bring a bottle of wine but he'd laughingly insisted that his family would be much happier downing cola or fruit juice. After an awkward pause, he'd suggested she bring along a “gourmet” bag of marshmallows instead. She'd laughed at that and something twinged within her heart; some emotion that she didn't recognize. Whatever it was though, it sure felt good.
A moment after knocking, there came a sound from within like a rhino galloping toward the door.
The door swung open and she let out a yelp as a giant mass of fur leaped through the opening; huge body quivering as it danced about her, snuffling frantically at her pant legs and shoes. She dropped the bag of marshmallows and stood frozen in place with her hands raised.
Jason was watching and laughing just inside the doorway, his hands on his hips.
Realizing she was holding her breath, she let out a quick exhale and tried to get out of the way of the massive creature. Aah—it was a dog. An enormous black dog. She laughed in spite of herself and tried to pat the animal; each attempt resulting in a sloppy kiss to her fingers.
Jason stepped out onto the porch. “Bear—Calm down, Bear,” he soothed. The dog settled a bit and sat down, his plumy tail whipping back and forth.
Dakota bent down to retrieve the marshmallows, relieved to find they hadn't been trampled. “That's gotta be the most enthusiastic greeting I've received in my entire life,” she said.
He chuckled, scooting Bear into the house. “Sorry about that. I should've warned you ahead of time.”
She smiled and told him not to worry about it. He led her inside, eyes merry with amusement as he closed the door behind them.
“Mom and Jaelynn are out back,” he explained, leading her down the hall and into the kitchen area. He was wearing fashionable jeans and a brown crew-neck sweater; quite a contrast from his usual painting attire. She set the bag of marshmallows on the table and glanced around the room, her breath catching at the sight of a cast iron cook stove and gray-beamed walls.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked. “I have Coke, Sprite and iced tea. Or if you'd prefer a hot drink, there's tea and coffee.”
“Oh, I would love an iced tea,” she said, giving him a charming smile. Through the kitchen window, Jaelynn and an older woman were sitting on deck chairs and chatting. If it weren't for their presence, she'd be tempted to sidle up to Jason and try for some accidental touching—a brush of the arm here, a bump of the shoulder there. Physical flirting helped to speed the process. And how she'd love to be held in this man's arms tonight!
After pouring her a drink, Jason took her outside and introduced her to his mother.
Dakota liked Bonnie Sinclair right away; she was gentle and soft-spoken. Sitting down in an oak chair next to Jaelynn, she sipped her iced tea and got to chatting with Bonnie about the flower shop and greenhouses. Jason put Bear in the outdoor kennel and resumed his work at the BBQ. A row of burgers was already cooking—filling the air around them with the smoky, mouth-watering scent of grilled beef.
After a while, they moved down the deck running the length of the house and ate dinner at a picnic table. When the sun set and the air grew chilly, they went inside and sat in the living room, drinking coffee and indulging in the creamy lemon squares Bonnie had baked. Conversation came easily as Bonnie presented a number of gardening questions. Dakota was more than happy to offer tips and suggestions. When she first arrived, she'd expected Bonnie and Jaelynn to be a bit of a drag; she would've preferred to be alone with Jason. But now she had to admit she was glad they were here.
Jason excused himself once it was completely dark out. He returned several minutes later to inform them that a bonfire was ready and waiting in the backyard. She'd forgotten about the marshmallows. “Oh!” she said, “I didn't even think to bring a jacket—”
“Not a problem,” he said with a smile, leaving the room. He returned with a sporty fleece sweater in his hands. “It'll probably be a tent on you, but it'll keep you warm.”
She took it from him with a gush of thanks, slipped it over her head and straightened her mussed hair back into order. He was right, the sweater reached halfway down her thighs. She laughed. “It's cozy.”
They went out to the back deck where Jason unlatched a wooden child's gate at the steps which kept Bear from getting loose. They walked together across the yard to where a fire pit pierced the blackness of night and suffused the Adirondack chairs surrounding it. Dakota trailed behind the others, taking a moment to gather the zippered neckline of the sweater, drawing in a hungry breath of Jason's scent. The fleece smelled faintly of his spicy cologne. She could almost imagine she was wrapped in his arms rather than just his sweater.
Jason handed out skewers and passed around the bag of marshmallows. Dakota took a moment to observe them all while they focused on browning their marshmallows. She'd never roasted a marshmallow before and had no clue how to do it right. Come to think of it, she'd never sat around a bonfire before either. Her parents hadn't done such things when she was a kid. Even as a teenager there'd been no opportunities for camping trips or the like.
Try as she might, she couldn't stop her marshmallow from catching fire and bubbling up into gooey black oblivion. Noticing her dilemma, Jason turned his full attention toward her and offered to help. While Jaelynn and Bonnie continued to talk to one another in familiar undertones, Dakota admitted with that she'd never roasted a marshmallow before.
Jason's eyes widened in surprise. He leaned forward on the edge of his chair until they were only a few feet apart from one another. “Really? Not even once?”
“Nada.” A rueful smile. “Basically, you're looking at a woman with no outdoor experience whatsoever. Sure I can plant a garden and till the earth, but if I ever got lost in the woods, I'd be dead in a day. Make that half a day.” She laughed.
“How about fishing?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“Canoeing?”
“Nope.”
“Tubing?”
“Uh-uh.”
“Hiking?… Snowshoeing?”
She continued to shake her head. “ 'Fraid not.”
He passed her an evenly browned marshmallow.
She took a small, tentative bite. “Mmm—wow. This is so good!”
He grinned and she popped the rest of the marshmallow into her mouth. It melted on her tongue like dissolving whip cream. A little piece of heaven.
“I can't believe you've never done any of these things,” he said, his expression sobering. “I would've taken you for an outdoorsy girl all the way. Did your family ever go on vacations together?”
She shook her head. “When I was really little, my parents took me to the beach once in a while. But that's about the sum of it.”
His gaze was intense; captivating. The reflection of the fire flickered in the corner of his eye as he watched her. What was he thinking?
“So, what kind of things do you do for fun—?” he asked, tone relaxed.
Inwardly, she grimaced. What could she possibly tell someone like Jason? Oh, I spend my weekends drinking and scoping bars for one-night-stands. I buy designer clothes for social stamina and shoot the breeze with other women whose lifestyles are exactly like mine. Sometimes I smoke pot while meditating, and during the week I isolate myself to my greenhouses and live like a hermit. Yeah, right. Like she'd ever tell him that.
“Well… ” She shrugged. “I mostly spend time with friends… ” A smile. “Work on my gardens… Things like that.” Another smile.
He nodded and clasped his fingers together loosely between his knees. He was still sitting on t
he edge of his chair, twisted toward her. His left side was illuminated by the glow of the fire, right side shadowed. She couldn't read his eyes so she looked away and stared at the crackling fire, breathing in the smoky air. It stung her eyes. Was he thinking the same thing as she? That they were worlds apart?
An unfamiliar sense of insecurity welled within her. Usually, she felt confident and desirable while with an attractive man; gregarious and happy-go-lucky. But the more time she spent talking with Jason, the more her confidence waned. Mere physical attraction wasn't enough to woo him. Besides her career, what did she have in life, other than looks, to be of interest to any man?
Her past stretched out behind her like a dry desert. Inside… nothing. Like a vacant seashell with echoing chambers.
“Jay—” Bonnie was saying, bringing Dakota back to attention. She realized Jason had been watching her while she was lost in thought. Now he turned away to face his mother. “Jaelynn and I need to get going now,” Bonnie said. “Thanks so much for a lovely evening, hon.”
The smile she gave Dakota did not light her eyes. It seemed forced. She wondered if the woman distrusted her somehow; then again maybe it was only the shadows cast by the fire obscuring her expression. “It was nice to meet you—” Bonnie went on, darting a glance at her son and looking back again with another smallish smile. “I'll have to come see the flower shop soon.”
Jaelynn rubbed her tummy. “Ugh. I ate too many marshmallows.” She groaned, reaching for her crutch. Jason helped her to her feet and used a flashlight to guide her steps through the grass to the back deck. Bonnie fell into step next to him and spoke something in his ear.
Dakota followed at a distance behind everyone, wondering what Bonnie had whispered to Jason. It was probably a snide remark of some sort. Oh well. She wasn't here to charm some middle-aged woman. Jason was a big boy.
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