I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure if there’s anything to say. So we sit in quiet, gazing out to the dark water, my Callix starting to glow around my wrist. After a bit, Clarence inhales next to me.
“You’ll be back here before you know it, kid.”
I nod, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “What are they going to teach me?”
“Probably what I should’ve since I found you in Ruth’s house—about us, our world, our culture.”
“But Sampson’s already—”
“Shown you the first layer. Taught you the basics. There’s so much you don’t know, Fallon. So much about who we are, about yourself that you haven’t begun to discover yet. Yes you can hear us and as I’ve heard it, you’re pretty decent with a whip,” he glances at the scar on my arm, “surprisingly. But there’s so much more. And if they want to teach you, to train you… there must be a reason.” Clarence exhales, looking back to the water. “Sampson’s right. It is a great honor. Right now you don’t know what it means… but you will. And you’ll be grateful that you were chosen when no one is.”
I lower my head, resting my chin on my knee caps and exhale. He’s right—I know he’s right—but with the sun fully set, tomorrow will be here soon. And I’ll have to leave for three months. My stomach ties into knots again.
“Clarence…” I start, nibbling on my bottom lip as I search for the words I need. “What… what happened when you found me? I know I was murdered…” it’s strange to say the words aloud, “but, but…how did—”
“I don’t know,” he cuts me off, genuine guilt in his tone. “I got there and found you like that. Ruth was already…” he closes his eyes as he slowly shakes his head. “And you were on the edge. The very edge. If I’d gotten there any later…” he shakes his head again before looking up at me with sorrow. “I don’t know what happened.”
“Maybe it was a home invasion?”
“It could’ve been anything.”
I nod and let out a deep frustrated exhale. I guess I’ll never know. If Clarence arrived after it happened, then there’s no one left to tell me.
“We should probably head back,” Clarence rises. “I know some people will want to say goodbye.”
“No. I don’t want anyone knowing I’m going. I want to leave tomorrow before they find out,” I jump to a stand, dusting off my bottom. “I know that sounds mean but I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can tell them goodbye.”
“Alright. We’ll tell them once you’re gone. But I know someone you can’t avoid.”
I inhale, tremors running through me.
“He’s probably waiting for you,” Clarence holds out his hand and I take it. “Come on.”
He leads me back to the city and up toward Reid’s home. I’d been enjoying our new routing of lying in each other’s arms and drifting into the same peaceful sleep. But then the Lynzees showed up and it changed. Tonight would be the last time I’d sleep next to Reid for three months.
Three months.
After I’m dropped off, I stare at the red curtain for a long time. I probably won’t get any sleep. I’ll stay awake as long as possible, not wanting to waste a moment. But what will we say to each other? What will we do? Will I cry? Will he? Part of me wants to wait out here all night because I’m too craven to find out. But I can’t waste this time not being with him. Taking a deep breath, I steady myself and pull back the curtain.
At first I think the space is empty. No one is on the bed and everything is still. But then I spot him in the far corner, sitting on one of the red cushions with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. His face is down, shielding his expression. I take another step and the ground squeaks beneath my feet. His head pops up.
My chest tightens. “Hi.”
The corner of his mouth lifts a fraction, but he doesn’t smile.
“I was down at the beach…I,” I inhale, trying to steady my racing heart, “…needed some time.”
He nods, his eyes never wavering from mine. We look at each other for a long while—me standing by the curtain and Reid sitting on the opposite side, watching as an internal struggle plays across his face. Finally, when I can’t take it anymore, I move further into the space, just to the foot of his bed.
“So what’re you doing?”
He shrugs.
I step closer. “Are you okay?”
Reid sucks in a deep breath and sits back. He looks at me for a minute, just looking, like he’s trying to decide something. “I was thinking about what I could do. How I could make you stay. Maybe we could run away together or something,” he gestures past the red curtain, “but I don’t know where we’d go. And they’d catch up to us. We’d only prolong you leaving,” he inhales, sitting further back against the wall. “So I’ve just been thinking about tonight, about what I would say to you when I saw you.”
“And?”
He bites his lip. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I have—”
“I know you have to. Doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want you to.”
“It’ll be over before we know it,” I try making this easier for the both of us, thinking of that grain of sand in Clarence’s fingers. “And I’ll be back here with you.”
“Are you planning on telling the others?”
I shake my head. “Can you?”
He nods.
“Tell Pratt and Able I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. I know it makes me a coward but… I don’t think I can spend tonight saying goodbye. I don’t want that.”
“What do you want?” Reid asks.
My chest tightens again, a mixture of fire and knots filling me. “I want to spend it with you.”
He closes his eyes, as if that’s what he’s hoping to hear. I wait in silence before he looks at me again. “I want that too.”
Suddenly I feel like crying. Everything is happening so quickly and before I know it, I’ll be gone, away from Reid for longer than I’ve known him. “These last few days have been…”
“I know,” he nods, his words soft and gentle. “Me too.”
I choke on a sob just waiting to break free. Somehow I hold it down.
“I wanted them to last,” he says. “I’m not foolish—I know the war isn’t over but I was hoping there’d be time. We’d have time to ourselves. I could…” he inhales and closes his eyes.
“What?”
Reid shakes his head. “I just wanted more time with you.”
Unable to stop it, everything inside me comes bubbling to the surface, breaking through my armored shield. My eyes fill with moisture; I try to hold them back, but the tears appear before I can wipe them free. “I wanted more time with you too,” I sniffle, my chest tightening. “I love you.”
Reid looks up, his chest expanding. He watches me for a second, some great thought playing behind his eyes. It still stings that he hasn’t said it, but he doesn’t have to. I’m alright with that now. As long as he knows how I feel—that’s fine. That’s all I need.
“It’s okay,” I sniffle again. “You don’t have to say—”
“Fallon…” he whispers, his voice achingly tender. He lowers his head and takes a deep breath as an endless moment passes. I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to explain, that I don’t need to hear it, but he cuts me off with the same broken whisper. “Fallon…” it reverberates through me, “… I’ve loved you for a long time.”
My heart stops.
And then starts up again, taking off as it pounds hard against my chest, suffocating all air. I’m trying to breathe, trying to remember what it’s like, but all I can do is replay his words over and over again, drowning in them.
I’ve loved you for a long time.
“Always…” his voice shakes. He looks up, his heavy brown eyes burning. “I’ve always loved you. Since the moment I saw you,” he stands and walks toward me, “since the moment I touched you,” he’s here and I step back, giving myself the crisp air I need to
keep standing. But he moves closer, backing me to the wall, bringing the fire with him. “I knew I loved you. Nothing existed before you. Nothing.”
“Reid…”
“I’ll wait. Three months. Three years. Three decades—as long as I have to. You,” he holds my face, “are all that matters to me. You are my purpose.”
I’m shaking in his hands, holding them with mine. I’m so lost to him. To his touch, his scent, his eyes. God, I’m powerless around Reid. A complete pile of jellied limbs and a ticking time-bomb heart. He leans in, his focus dipping to my mouth. Closing his eyes, he presses his brow against mine. “I love you more than anything, Fallon.”
I’m about to collapse. But Reid has me pinned against one of the walls, his hands holding my face and his body pressed to mine.
“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it. You…” a lump rolls down his throat as he opens his eyes, “you deserve better. You deserve to be told every day. I—you don’t know how hard it’s been. I’ve wanted to tell you. Every day. It’s all I think about. You. How much I love you. How glad I am I found you.”
Oh God… how can I leave him for three months?
I think of Clarence and the grain of sand. And Anne. He’ll never get to see her again and all I have is three months away from Reid. That’s it. Then I can come back. And be with him. Be with the rest of them. Instead of telling him how much I want him to make me stay, I lean forward and capture his lips with mine.
A low groan escapes. He breathes me in, holding my face in his strong hands. But even with all his strength, he handles me with infinite tenderness. “God you’re beautiful,” he breaks away with a whisper, rolling his forehead on mine. “You’re not real.”
I look at him. My chest swells as some reverent force lights insides me. Throwing my arms around him, I squeeze as hard as possible, trying to hold onto him, trying to bring us together in one solid mass. He squeezes back, molding my body to his as he pulls me up, off the ground. We’re entangled in this hard, heavy hug and all I can feel is Reid’s heart. It pounds through his chest and into mine.
“I didn’t know it would feel like this,” I whisper.
He responds by squeezing even tighter. And suddenly my entire body is in the air, in his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist, gripping onto him with everything I have, hoping the pressure of our combined bodies might prevent me from leaving. He holds me like this for a second, the two of us standing and squeezing out the pain to make room for love. But then he walks me back and I’m up against the wall. Reid’s lips find their way to my neck.
I close my eyes and give in. His mouth is burning against my heated skin but it’s not enough. I need to feel more of him. I need to feel him against me. Gripping him with my legs, I push off from the wall long enough to rip my shirt over my head and toss it to the floor. He groans in approval, his lips moving down my throat and onto my chest. I slide my fingers into his hair, gripping it as his face lands near the dip in my breasts.
“Please…”
Just one word. That’s all it takes and I’m on my feet. Reid drops to his knees in front of me, unbuckling my jeans and sliding them down my legs. I’ve barely stepped out of them and my panties when he picks me back up and wraps my legs around his hips again. He’s at my mouth and we’re kissing, one hand around my waist and the other fiercely working his own button. I know when he’s opened it because I’m forced back to the wall with a sense of urgency.
His eyes shift between mine and I see him. Right into him. Right into his wants. His hopes. His desires. And his heart.
Then I feel him.
His mouth falls open as a softness exudes, a deep vulnerability erupting all over his body. It trembles and then he’s moving inside me. One arm is wrapped around my waist and the other is at my neck, holding it still so he can kiss me as he thrusts. Oh God I’m already unraveling. I’m already burning up, my body a slave to Reid’s, unable to do anything other than to submit to his will. And he, he moves inside me like he can’t believe he’s doing it, like he wants to take this moment and make it last for eternity. And I want that too.
Reid breaks away from my mouth and presses his forehead against mine. Focused on my lips, he starts panting, his hips driving into me with hard, deep thrusts. A lump rolls down his throat just as his brows pinch together in pleasurable exhaustion. I grip him tighter, squeezing tufts of his hair between my fingers.
“I love you,” he croaks.
“I…”
“I love you so fucking much,” he grinds into me, cementing me even further against the wall. He swings his hips into mine with a gentle hardness that unravels me. A deep growl emits and that’s it.
I explode in a way I never have before. My body quivers beneath his as euphoric blindness takes over, paralyzing me. Closing my eyes, I give myself over to the hard rumblings that ripple through me, sparking every nerve in this oversensitive body. I’m too focused on this, on the way I’m unraveling for him, that I don’t even realize I’m no longer against the wall. My body is still glowing when soft linen brushes my back. I open my eyes and find Reid on top of me, on the bed. He’s still thrusting, still moving inside me with the same gentle aggression as before. One hand remains around my waist and the other is pinned to the wooden wall above my head.
“Reid…”
He’s groaning from deep in his throat, his eyes shut as a fine sheen of sweat covers his face. Lifting my leg, he wraps it around his waist and pumps into me harder. Harder. I arch under him as his lips find the peaks of my bra. He kisses one and cups the other. I start shaking as he peels back the material and takes my nipple between his lips. I cry out, my head all the way back as I feel his tongue sweep my sensitive skin. My heart is beating a thousand miles a minute, pumping relentlessly to keep up with Reid’s loving assault. But I can’t hold on much longer. I’m building again, nearly lost to the vibrations rumbling through my boiling body.
“I’m…” I’m panting. Shaking.
He sucks in my nipple and I lose it.
I scream his name and shatter into a million pieces all over again, the universe and everything in it disappearing. I’m not here. I’m not anywhere other than the left over explosion of who I use to be, shimmering through all of time and space. My heart is racing, thumping hard and fierce in my chest as air tries to circulate in my lungs again. I’m barely falling back to earth, to my familiar skin—
Reid curses and withdraws, his body falling onto mine in one heavy heap. Eyes shut, he’s quaking with violent aftershocks and I throw my arms around him, holding him to me. I’m still panting from my own breathlessness when he finally slows, his focus dropping to my face. A lump rolls down his throat before his tongue runs the course of his lower lip, wetting it. For a moment we just stare at each other, catching our breath. My chest rises and falls and it takes a moment before I realize my right breast is still exposed.
Reid puts the material back in place and kisses the black peak. He rests his chin on it with a smile. An enamored expression passes his features as we gaze at each for a long moment. “I’m so in love with you.”
A warmth blossoms deep in my chest, illuminating me with the same reverent force. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know if I’m even capable of words. How can I do this? How can I leave him? It hurts—the love I have for Reid. Like living in ignorance, not knowing what this feels like might be better, because it’s too much to lose. I love Reid to the point that I’m terrified of a life without him. And then that familiar knot is growing, the panicked, achy feel returning again.
“I don’t want to go.”
“I know,” his smile is gone. “I don’t want you to go either.”
“I wish we could stay here,” I whisper. I touch his bottom lip and he closes his eyes. “Forever. I wish we could live in this moment right now… I wish this was our future.”
“Me too,” his opens his eyes. They flicker between mine. “If I could, I’d find a way. I’d do anything to keep you from leaving.”
“But I’m going to be right here the second you get back. I’ll be waiting from the moment you leave.”
“It’s three months.”
“And I’ll think of you every day…” he shrugs, “…same as now.”
A tear escapes.
He catches it with his thumb and wipes it clean. “I told you I’d wait as long as I need to. I’m not going anywhere. You go and do what you have to. Learn what they want you to know. And then you’ll come back. I’ll be right here waiting.”
I want to tell him how much I love him, but I can’t muster the words. I can’t summon the energy to do anything other than look at him. I just want to see him, to hold his image as long as I can. Because I know there’s only a limited number of hours, minutes, seconds, that I’ll be able to do this. And I want to spend every available moment breathing him in.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been lying here when my eyelids grow heavy with fatigue. I try my hardest, forcing myself to stay awake, to spend every last second with him. But the stinging starts. I ignore it, focusing on his eyes, his lips. Sleep is nothing compared to Reid. But then a deep heaviness descends and I know the battle is lost.
***
“Fallon.”
I open my eyes.
I’m on Reid’s chest. His heartbeat thumps below my ear, under the steady rise and fall of his torso. I have one arm curled up next to my face and the other is tucked beneath me. He’s got one arm locked over my waist, keeping me pinned to him while his other hand is inches from mine. There is a red blanket pulled up to my chin and I wonder briefly when he put that on us.
“Fallon,” Clarence whispers again and I turn to the curtain. He gestures over his shoulder. “Come on… it’s time to go.”
In a minute, I send through my thoughts.
He nods and heads out.
I gaze up at Reid. He’s still asleep, his lips parted, his breathing even. He’s in a deep, peaceful coma, far from the struggles and anguish of the last few days—it’s the most serene I’ve ever seen him. I’m going to take this image with me. This one right here. This is what will get me through these next three months—this picture of Reid asleep. When I’m lonely or scared or just missing him so much that it hurts, I’ll keep coming back to it.
Discovery at Nerwolix Page 37